i don't want my mom to visit me, but can't tell her real reason

[morkovka]

I am scared to set limits with my mom, I'm scared of rage and unpredictability of what will go next. I know for sure it will be 'offense for life'.

My mom lives overseas and I don't want her to come visit me for longer than 2 weeks. Even though last time I asked her to come myself, to care for my new baby, and she was eagerly offering her help. Being with her face to face for ~4 months created tremendous stress for me. I felt like I can't refuse her help, but I can't stand her behavior without compromising my sanity and self esteem.

I told her I plan to start daycare soon so she (or anyone else) doesn't need to come anymore to care for baby, but didn't tell her the real reason. She raged because she thought she's coming, and it took me 4 days to recover and get back to normal self. I fear that if I tell her that her presence stresses me out and I don't want her to come, the world will collapse. On the other hand, I want other family members to come, just not her. Honestly, I don't want to put my baby in daycare just yet, there are other family members who are happy to come to watch the baby. But singling out my mom will get her suuuuper mad and be unforgettable offense.

Advice? Please? How to balance what I want versus what she wants me to do?

[stellaris]

It's your house, your baby, your life, your decision.  You owe her absolutely nothing.

Family dynamics get dysfunctional when fear enters the picture.  By raging out over your decisions, your mother is essentially asking you to lie to her.  Then she can back you into a corner at some point where you either have to tell her the truth or give in.  There is no balance to be found between what you want and what she wants you to do, because YOU want her to treat you with support and respect, and she wants you to be a total doormat in front of her abuse.  Everything she does is predicated on putting her in the drivers seat of your life.   You tiptoeing around and suffering her insanity is EXACTLY THE POINT of the insanity. 

The only answer is - don't play her game.  She only has the power you give her, no more.  And the source of that power is your fevered hope that there is something, anything *you* can do that will make *her* act differently.

There is not.  

So try this.

"I want to come look after the baby."

"I'm sorry, you can't."

"Why not?"

"Last time you were here you gave me a lot of stress with your behaviour, and I'm not having that again.  You can come once you've shown me you can treat myself and my child properly."

Saying this will 100% upset the applecart, because you are putting yourself and your child ahead of her.  She'll find that unacceptable.  She'll rage. At which point, give her once chance to stop, and hang up.  :)on't answer the phone when she calls back.  Send her an email that says.  "I don't want to hang up on you, but I do not accept that kind of behaviour.  Please feel free to call when you're calmer, as I love you and would like to have a better relationship."

I did this to my mom a loong time ago.  Guess what, she never called.  Once I stopped playing her game, turns out she had no interest in building a relationship built on respect or support or anything else maternal.  It was her in control, or nothing.

Nothing is hard to take, coming from your mom.  But it's way better than abuse and enmeshment.

[Harri]

Hi morkovka! 

I hear that you are afraid to set limits with your mother given past instances of rage fear of her reactions to being told no.  Those fears are entirely understandable.  It is hard to say no, set limits and stand up to a raging family member, especially a parent.  There are many people here who have been or still are in a similar situation so you are not alone.  We can help by giving you support and encouragement as you decide how you want to deal with this situation.

I agree with Stellaris when he says to not play her game.  She will continue to rage and make things all about her and try to control just like she always has until you begin to make changes at your end.  Getting to the point where you can disengage from her and cope with your own reactions is an entirely different matter though.  It takes time but it can be done!   

The fact that you told your mother you did not want her to visit took a lot of strength and courage!  That was a huge step in terms of not playing her game.  As for telling her she stresses you out, you do not need to tell her that if you do not want to.  For some people that can be cathartic and for others it only adds to the stress.  You can say, instead, things like I am just not up for a long visit (or a visit).  There are other options.  It is not lying or even avoiding.  It is self-care and that sometimes involves keeping personal things personal.  You do not need to share everything if you do not want to.

Are you in therapy?  I ask because if you can do so, it will help a great deal in terms of giving you coping skills to manage your own responses and fears about upsetting your mom.  If you can't or don't want to do therapy, you can still chat with us here.  I think almost all of us have struggled with setting limits and learning new ways to communicate with our pwBPD (person with BPD).  We can certainly support you and listen as you navigate your way through this situation and even beyond.

Hope to see more of you on the boards.  Read, ask questions, and post as you feel the need or desire.

[Fie]

Hello Morkovka  


That is a very stressy situation you are finding yourself in.  You sound like you can use a hug  

Let me also congratulate you with your new baby. That is really good news.

It is wonderful that you understand the family dynamics of your FOO (family of origin), and that you know your mother is BPD. I had no idea of this when my daughter was still a baby (my mum is BPD too). This knowledge will be of great benefit for your child, since you will raise it with awareness of the family problems.

I agree with the others that you can and even should set limits. Even without BPD in the mix, who wants his parents living with them again ? I'm sure most people wouldn't. A day maybe, or two, but I know a lot of people who would get nervous if it's more .

I also agree with what Harri said here

As for telling her she stresses you out, you do not need to tell her that if you do not want to.  For some people that can be cathartic and for others it only adds to the stress.

What I have seen helps a *lot* with BPD, and just with difficult people in general, is repetition. Say, you tell your mum you don't want her to visit. She asks you why. You tell her 'because I am not up for a lot of company' (or something). She doesn't agree, again, asks you why (louder, etc), you keep saying 'because I am not up for a lot of company'.
This might sound counterintuïtive - I know it did for me. But it works like a charm !

Thing is also, the more you explain to BPD, the more they will fight and disagree. Also this is very counterintuitive I think. When 'normal' people ask me something, I know that when I explain, they will understand my motives more, so they will accept what I'm saying. With BPD it's the exact opposite. All they here is 'No, you are wrong' and 'I don't love you'. In my opinion BPD always finds a new thing they can argue about in the explanation you are giving. So better to stick to one explanation so they stop digging into your argumentations.

[pbnjsandwich]

I am scared to set limits with my mom, I'm scared of rage and unpredictability of what will go next. I know for sure it will be 'offense for life'.

My mom lives overseas and I don't want her to come visit me for longer than 2 weeks. Even though last time I asked her to come myself, to care for my new baby, and she was eagerly offering her help. Being with her face to face for ~4 months created tremendous stress for me. I felt like I can't refuse her help, but I can't stand her behavior without compromising my sanity and self esteem.

I told her I plan to start daycare soon so she (or anyone else) doesn't need to come anymore to care for baby, but didn't tell her the real reason. She raged because she thought she's coming, and it took me 4 days to recover and get back to normal self. I fear that if I tell her that her presence stresses me out and I don't want her to come, the world will collapse. On the other hand, I want other family members to come, just not her. Honestly, I don't want to put my baby in daycare just yet, there are other family members who are happy to come to watch the baby. But singling out my mom will get her suuuuper mad and be unforgettable offense.

Advice? Please? How to balance what I want versus what she wants me to do?

This is how I feel, only because I've been there to some degree. Once we get married and have kids, our life has changed in the priority department. We have an obligation to ourselves, our spouse, and then to our children. That means that our parents, as much as we love them are not our first priority. So, taking that kind of stand will help your mother know where your priorities are and that bad behavior or inappropriate behavior is not tolerated. You can make a simple rule like, "Mom, I love you but I have a child now and raging in front of me or my family is not permissible. If you do this, it will greatly effect the time I spend with you."
This is a reasonable request. I would read up on boundaries and start setting them.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Morkovka 

You gotten some wonderful replies from everyone so far.  I wanted to share a link with you that explains the term Extinction Bursts which is a lot of what it sounds like your mom is doing. What do you think after reading the article? The others are right that it will be hard but hold steady once you've set a boundary.

 
Wools