Accepting the break up (for now), saving our friendship

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello BPD Family!

I hope this is the right board, cause I still don't feel like really moving on - just accepting things I can't change the way they are for now.
The reason why I'm opening a new thread is because now that my ex has found someone new, the whole situation is differently and I think I must adjust my goals and my behaviour towards him.

(You might know it from my last thread, but it'll surely make it easier for you to follow and it's a helpful thing for me to talk about it -
So, let me sum my story up another time:

My fiancé (long distance, 1 year) broke up with me 8 months ago, saying "maybe we can work things out" as he still has feelings for me - just doesn't trust me anymore cause I made him feel put second on a special day. Over time he got colder and colder to me, seems like he has lost respect for me because I was begging and crying for him to come back (for 6 months!). He said my behaviour was too much pressure for him... .
I barely knew anything about BPD back then... .

He surprised me with having a new girlfriend and he reduced contact to me to a minimum because he was "busy looking after her child"... .Cancelled our plans because suddenly he "didn't get the time off"... .When she broke up with him after only a week, we met again and spent kind of a "couple-day" together - unfortunately that was not the start of a new r/s - he went back to the state of "maybe we can work this out"... .

The past 2 months I pulled myself together as much as I could. We were rather talking in a friendship way but were planning to spend holidays together next month to figure out if we had another chance - still he was being cold to me, often let me wait for his anwers - for hours. Although it was hard for me, I tried to do the same and take pressure away from him.
 
Then 3 weeks ago he told me that he had a date. My reaction was telling him I still wanna see him next month, but will need some space for now to get over our relationship - I wanted to gain control back after all the pushing, get back on eye-level with him.
First he "understood", but a few hours later, when he saw me using social media he got angry, called me immature. I didn't react cause I wanted to stick to my word. The next day he said I was "selfish like always, ignoring him while he could use someone to talk to". I tried to stay strong, to not contact him. But I felt selfish, didn't want him to feel abandoned and told him again I needed some space right now and will be back in touch when I'm ready.
He said that we don't work out as friends if I always react that way when he tries to be happy. He blocked me... .
I waited a few days, then I sent him a sweet message, thanking him for giving me time, saying there's a letter on its way. I've been unblocked before the letter arrived, but he is not talking to me.
I don't know if he got the letter. It said that I am sorry if I hurt him by not replying, that this is not what I wanted, that I needed time to finally accept that our relationship is over, that our friendship is important to me and that I still think we should spend our holidays together.

Since then I didn't hear from him. I found out that since last week he's back to his 1-week-ex (he doesn't know that I know about that). I seem to be forgotten - or maybe he's still giving me space?)


What I'm reading in this forum a lot is that radical acceptance is important and that staying no contact until they reach out often is the best thing to do so they get back in touch in their time - and the best thing you can do for yourself.

Now I'm standing here, thinking, yes, it's time for radical acceptance. I need to stop hoping that they will break up soon and he'll get back to me. I gotta cope with the situation how it is... .That's a big step for someone co-dependant like me, but... .
There is still one thing I am not able to accept and that is him breaking his promise of staying friends. That's the hardest for me, being out of touch, not knowing if it's forever. We've always promised this to each other and I counted on it, especially as he repeated it before I left. He always said he doesn't trust me as his girlfriend cause I once made him feel put second and it hurt him too much - but as a good friend he does trust me.

He's distracted now, it must be so easy for him to stay out of touch when he is with her, thinking I am a bad person, I am happy and don't care about him anyway. I don't expect a reaction to my letter anymore.
How does he know I care when I've been acting and didn't show it for months.

I think since I've stopped trying to talk to him as desperately as I used to and especially when I said I needed time for myself and then went away, he felt abandoned and unimportant, cause he's not used to me acting this way. Before I left he told me that I have changed a few times, asked me if I was okay.
I just stopped that begging, pleading, crying, fighting behaviour because I've seen it doesn't bring us any further and how he's been treating me was killing me on the inside. My answer was yes, I'm okay, I am just focosing on myself a lot after he has seen how shattered I was recently - avoiding the pressure on him.

For the sake of saving the friendship which is so important to me, I still think I should be the one who gets back in touch with him, shouldn't I? Since day one of our r/s he told me he wants to be with someone who really fights for him, shows that she cares about him always. I don't think the letter would be enough for a person like him.
I'd love to hear your opinion when you read about the whole situation!

With reaching out I'm not talking about anything big - just giving a little sign that he's still cared about, that I'm finished with taking my time out, like asking him if the letter has arrived, following him on his Social Media Account again, or sending him something positive he can react on... .I think I could use some clarity... .not talking at all won't help. How to solve a problem without communication?
I keep thinking that it's my fault and that if I only had reached out, maybe things would be all good between us again.

If I was the one who asked for space and he is the one getting hurt because of it, shouldn't I be the one making the effort, proving that being in touch, being friends still really means a lot to me? That he means enough to me to not just give up so fast? Maybe he's even scared of telling me about her after how much I've been freaking out the last time - and it's clear I must cancel our hotel as this is not okay towards her... .how does he tell me?

A big sorry for my long text - rather discussing my thoughts with you than destroying things by talking them out with him!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

I gotta cope with the situation how it is... .That's a big step for someone co-dependant like me, but... .
There is still one thing I am not able to accept and that is him breaking his promise of staying friends. That's the hardest for me, being out of touch, not knowing if it's forever. We've always promised this to each other and I counted on it, especially as he repeated it before I left.




For the sake of saving the friendship which is so important to me, I still think I should be the one who gets back in touch with him, shouldn't I? Since day one of our r/s he told me he wants to be with someone who really fights for him, shows that she cares about him always. I don't think the letter would be enough for a person like him.
I'd love to hear your opinion when you read about the whole situation!

With reaching out I'm not talking about anything big - just giving a little sign that he's still cared about, that I'm finished with taking my time out, like asking him if the letter has arrived, following him on his Social Media Account again, or sending him something positive he can react on... .I think I could use some clarity... .not talking at all won't help. How to solve a problem without communication?
I keep thinking that it's my fault and that if I only had reached out, maybe things would be all good between us again.

If I was the one who asked for space and he is the one getting hurt because of it, shouldn't I be the one making the effort, proving that being in touch, being friends still really means a lot to me? That he means enough to me to not just give up so fast? Maybe he's even scared of telling me about her after how much I've been freaking out the last time - and it's clear I must cancel our hotel as this is not okay towards her... .how does he tell me?

A good step forward is admitting your co-dependency issues! I say we should focus on this more and a little less on him? You come first, and becoming the best version of yourself is something that should be a priority over anyone else. Of course, this is difficult. But hopefully working on this would keep your mind off him a bit less and less each time.

I know how hurt you are and holding on to promises, but sadly promises get broken. Words get tossed away, its the sad truth and something we all dont want to accept. My ex held me and told me "i promise i will never leave you" or "i promise i will always love you". We promised to stay friends if we ever did break up, but I couldnt do it. This hurt her. We hold to promises from those we love the most, because those words are security to us. But when it gets broken or jeopardized we get anxious.

My ex also wanted someone to fight for her, she even told me she doesnt like space, or being left alone. Yet when i gave her space she came rushing like hell froze over. But when i chase she pulls away. People are like this, not just pBPD. You did plenty enough to show you care and make this work. I know how you feel about feeling at fault, but its not your fault. "You did the best you could with the tools you had at the moment" and you are inclined to your feelings and if you needed space you shouldnt be punished for it. I know you jsut want to talk about it and resolve it but sometimes its best to not. No response is a response, and absence is also a response. It takes a lot of mental strength and perseverance to not reach out, when every fiber in your body says the opposite.

You did ask for space, but you went back to him. You tried reaching out, writing a letter, messaging him. Heck he could have at least mentioned the trip that you spent money on and give you some response about that. This is my biased opinion of course, but I think you deserve more than being second best to anyone.

I feel your pain for what youre going through. I know it sucks not having answers, having promises broken, having words and moments replaying, and wondering what this or that meant. If only u did xyz differently. It a terrible feeling. And I can tell you it gets better but it will be a slow agonizing process in which you will learn so much. He may come back. he may realize you were a great person, but it will happen with your absence. People dont appreciate what they have until its gone. So the best gift you can give him is just that.

I want whats best for you, as does everyone else in this group. Please continue to grow for yourself and no one else. Embrace the pain and the hurt. The questions will flow and flow, and you can post and post. Dont apologize for how you feel. 

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you so much, CryWolf for answering!

Let me share my thoughts on all this.

I do understand your situation, CryWolf and I think what you are doing - being patient and out of touch - is absolutely the right thing to do.   You wrote that email to her, you know that she got it, you never told her that you need time for yourself so she knows she can reach out anytime and you won't reject her. She doesn't have someone new. You know that she knows that the ball is in her court and you know you just want her back as your girlfriend and that you don't wanna be friends.

Things are different with me: I feel like I messed up the friendship we already had because I let him down in the moment he told me he had a date. He really told me this in a respectful way - we broke up 8 months ago and he never promised me that we can work things out for sure. That I was still hoping for a relationship really was my fault.
Me leaving when he sais he's meeting another girl must look like I'm completely overreacting when he considers us being friends... .and he is right that a friendship won't work out if I'm always reacting that way when he tries to be happy - even someone without BPD would say that, right? 
A person without BPD could understand it maybe when I'm asking for space and would not overreact on being ignored for some time when I've been giving a reason - but he has BPD and when I think of his abandonment issues and the pain inside of him and that THIS was the reason for him leaving me in the first place... .That makes his reaction understandable for me.


"He may come back. he may realize you were a great person, but it will happen with your absence. People dont appreciate what they have until its gone."

He is so distracted at the moment, I am scared he gets used to a life without me. He is living a new life now with that new girl - but I want to stay part of that life - as a friend.

"but I think you deserve more than being second best to anyone."

Thank you... .
He always felt put second in our relationship - that's what he said - and of course his new girlfriend comes first now. That is something I need to respect. I wanna keep him in my life right now and forever, no matter what place I'm on. I can't expect being put first when he broke up with me.

When I put myself into his shoes: He has found someone who he doesn't wanna lose again. Why should he reach out now? He could destroy what he has when she finds out - and he's probably really scared of my reaction as well as I really didn't stay calm the last time all this happened... .
And the longer we don't talk, the more awkward it is for him to get back, right? I'd love to make things easier for him... .because it is important to ME.
Unblocking me was a good step from into the right direction - but that was BEFORE they were back together... .Unblocking actually tells me he's expecting me to be the one showing that I really care... .that I wanna communicate again.
How does he know I had enough space?

If I was him and had someone new and was scared of his reaction and of what my boyfriends thinks, I guess I would do the same as him - NOTHING... .out of fear.

Last thing I texted him was "Thank you for giving me space, there is a letter on it's way" - maybe he thinks space is still what I want, that I'll text him when I'm ready - he doesn't want to feel abandoned again, is scared of being ignored maybe after I did not react on his messages before.
We have NEVER been out of touch for so long and he doesn't know me like this.

Wouldn't some clarity be a good thing for me, too? All the time I'm wondering if he'd still talk to me when I reached out. Still being in touch would mean much more to me than a relationship or forcing our holidays to happen... .


Would be thankful for your opinion! 

[FaithfulInLove]

I've been thinking about everything a lot while I know actually I should just keep the focus on myself and how I'm feeling... .

That person, our friendship, it means the world to me and that's why I think that I should take a small steps towards him after a few weeks of no contact and acting as if I was okay with that.
If I was him, I would be scared of telling me about the new girl as well, scared of my reaction, so... .

The plan is giving it a few more days, then hitting his Following-Button on Twitter again and see how he's reacting, if he reacts at all. When he blocks me again, I see there is no way for me to do anything more. Then he doesn't want this and I'll know it's time to really stop trying for now... .
If nothing happens, I will give it a few more days and think about taking another little step to get back in touch with him. If he even follows back, I'll do the same, giving it time, staying careful.

No big apology letters, no more telling him how much I'd love to see him soon. No pressure on him. Just showing him I actually care and that I can handle his responses.

I think I'll be able to sleep better again when I really know where he's standing... .even if it can huer me. Since he has unblocked me the thoughts in my head, the assumtions run crazy. I don't wanna assume anymore.
There is nothing worse for me than not being in touch and I'd love to know if I really gotta accept it finally or if there is any chance of a friendship, if I still mean anything at all.

Can a follow DESTROY things? What do you think... ? I don't think it will make things worse if I don't start JADEing. Judging him now or trying to explain my side again might be the worst I could do... .

[CryWolf]

Hm, maybe you could reach out indirectly, and bring up a random topic that’s lighthearted. Like bring up if he’s been watching one of the shows you guys both like. Not sure, but don’t expect a response if he’s with the new partner and wants to respect her by not engaging with you. I know you want to reach out, and maybe this approach could work or it couldn’t. You can never know, to be honest. The choice is yours 

[FaithfulInLove]

Thank you for your opinion and your support! Yes, that's exactly what I've thought about. I've been in a shop lately with loads of stuff he would've loved, no matter where l looked, it was filled with everything his heart is beating for and l took some photos. If he doesn't react negatively on a follow, I'd probably try and reach out with the pictures I've taken there a few days later. But one step at a time.
I'm not gonna push him to the holidays. If he's in a relationship he can't do this anyway, at least not the way we planned with spending several days together and sharing a room. That's something l know l have to accept unfortunately.

[FaithfulInLove]

Okay, l did it and followed him this morning. He might be asleep still. I'm super scared of his reaction.

[FaithfulInLove]

I've seen he was online and doesn't react at all... .
I'm thinking about his reasons a lot. 
If he hopes that it hurts me after l was the one asking for space, showing that now l have it? That he's scared about talking to me about what's going on in his life? If he scared about his girlfriend finding out? Oh, I'd love to just communicate openly but l know it would only push him away.

I'll give it some time. A day or two, maybe even more if l can. Maybe his postings will get more aggressive again now... .Maybe he just won't react at all... .( - because l just don't matter?) I gotta stop thinking!
I'm not even shocked about his reaction... .As l said, I've been prepared - now hoping l won't be completely blocked out soon... .

If things stay the way they are next step would be sending the pictures I've been talking about - if nothing happens... .or would anyone say a "Thanks that you've been giving me the space I've asked for. Please reach out to me when YOU are ready" message would be more helpful? That would completely kick the ball into his court and l would HAVE to wait l guess.
Being out of control scares me. I'm feeling my codependancy issues.

I'm not sure if I'm invalidating him when l act now as if nothing has ever happened and I'm not sure if I make things worse if I keep talking about the whole space story...

Any opinions on the whole story? I'd be thankful. I'm feeling quite lost.

[CryWolf]

I dont think you should send the pictures. You are forcing a reaction out of him, and thats not organic. Typically when we force something to soothe our anxiety, its never what we hoped for and it makes matters worse.

You've done a lot already. Silence is a response unfortunately. Its not the one we hope for nor want. But no response is a response. Him not replying to your messages, has the ball in his court. He's had the ball for a while now, but he's choosing not to play. There could be many reasons to why he doesnt want to play "ball". His new partner. Being respective to her. Not wanting you in his life. Not ready to have you in his life. Having strong feelings for you that he cant manage so he got a rebound r/s. Each scenario, leads to many more scenarios and then to many more. And it all snowballs. And then you ask "why". And frankly, you wont know because he wont tell you and he probably doesnt know why either. You also have to understand he is human as well, and has feelings and emotions too. It would be nice for him to give you closure or make the break up easy but thats not his responsibility. Your feelings arent his responsibility. And you need to stop seeking validation from him, because right now he wont give you any.

So you need to ask yourself
"am i going to wait?"
"do i keep messaging him/blowing him up for a response?"
"do i slowly detach, and accept how things are right now"

We as humans, dont want to accept change but everything changes. Nothing is a gaurantee. My ex told me before we got together she didnt see me romantically. Then she fell in love with me and we had a beautiful r/s for 3 years. People say a certain team wont win the championship, then they do. The beautiful yet sad thing is, nothing is promised and nothing is a gaurantee.

The best strategy i can give you right now, is to focus on yourself. Its hard when all you want to do is think about them and want them back. They will be on your mind for a long time, but slowly it gets better. You have to just "let it go" and hope itll come back when its ready. In the meantime, become a better you so when/if he does come back things will be better.

I know this isnt what you want to hear right now, and I wish i could give you a clear concise plan of action to do this or that to get him back. but it doesnt work like that. Space and time are your bestfriends when a falling out occurs.

Let me give you an example:

I had very close bestfriends, like family. We were so close. They let me visit them in the state they lived. We spent holidays, vacations, traveled together. Then we had a falling out. They became tired of me, due to them because way older than me and me being very young. I became angry they kicked me out of their friend group and went to travel without me. I tried talking and pleading but nothing. I was angry. But i let it go. my bday came, they all texted me. then i rpelied back but left it at that. I stopped caring. I put them on a pedestal because I became so close to them. months past. I stopped thinking of them completely. Keep in mind they were my best friends for 5+ years. I get a text out of the blue, then a call later. We slowly started getting closer again. But this time, I distanced myself. They even sent me a package to my home with a present and told me they were proud of me, etc.

What im getting to is, space and time are very powerfool tools.

[FaithfulInLove]

I tried to listen to you, CryWolf and l made it for two more days... .but today l texted him as l wanted to keep my promise of "getting back to him when I'm ready"... .

So l thanked him that he's given me the time l needed away, asked if my letter has arrived... .no reaction... .

On one of his social media posts of "horrible people" and "why things can't be easy" l replied that this is true and that l want our friendship to be easy, that I'm back for support like l promised... .

Well, l do have my answers now: He ignores me... .

And then a post about the 2 days he will spend in "city we wanted to meet in" and that he's sad his "family" can't come with him... .the plane was going there for 5 days and he staying 2 days longer for his own plans - that means our days together are cancelled for him - without even telling me.

I'd love to hear your opinion on this, bpdfamily... .
His mom posted on Facebook they all had a barbecue party together yesterday with his new girl and baby... .it seems to get serious between them... .

I'm happy he posted this - that I'm still important enough for him to hurt me... .that he's not blocking me out... .

I really want to hear your opinion... .is it still possible that he'll ever talk to me again? I don't care if we're just friends or whatever - l just don't wanna have to spend this life without him... .Was talking space such a crime for him to leave forever? I'm so scared I've lost him forever... .

I see l really gotta move on for now... .he's happy... .I'm in pain.