Seeing someone new

[caughtnreleased]

I've recently started seeing someone. He's kind, considerate, smart, stable, generous, has his life together. He has a whole load of wonderful qualities. Physical Intimacy is good. It's been a few months and I'm a little troubled because the BPDex has been on my mind alot. I've dreamt about him, very vivid dreams. They aren't necessarily bad dreams, there's often a bit of resolution going on but I long for him. I am still sustaining some kind of fantasy around him. I am disappointed because I thought that moving on would rid me of these thoughts. I was thinking hard about it the other night, and I came to the conclusion that the BPDex and I revealed a great deal of ourselves to eachother. While the relationship was never "stable" we somehow managed to have really intimate discussions with eachother when we were together. For the first time in my life I felt "seen" by someone. It had profound effects on me because I had to come to terms with seeing myself as well, and realizing I'd never been "seen" before. I discovered so many things about myself. Came to see myself in a new light. We shared some very deeply intimate moments together.

The new guy almost never discusses anything personal. We talk a lot. We share alot. But it tends not to be very intimate or personal discussions. He rarely ever asks me about anything personal. There's been no chance for me to discuss any past relationships with him. He has mentioned in passing his past relationships. It seems he was with the same person for a really long time but we've never really discussed these things openly. While it's still early days and we are just becoming comfortable with eachother the lack of personal discussion is starting to bother me because it's almost as though he's afraid to discover who I really am. It's only been a couple months but still this isn't sitting right with me. This also makes me think about something my BPDex told me every time he replaced me: that the replacement didn't know the things about himself he had revealed to me. I took what he said as manipulation at the time... .to rope me back in by trying to make me feel special.

He told me that his latest replacement openly told him she didn't want to know about his past. I would be horrified if someone I was intimate with told me this. How strange that I now am in a situation that has similarities and am able to empathize with the BPDex own situation. Being in a relationship with someone who seems to lack curiosity about my personal side, or perhaps the skills to ask questions about it - we talk a lot about work related issues since we have a lot of that in common - is making me miss the sporadic but seemingly deep relationship that I had with the BPDex. Anyone have insights?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey c&r, I'm sure you know this already, and since I'm a guy I can say this: most guys are terrible about sharing their feelings or having intimate conversations, whereas most women excel in this area.  With guys, it's often, hey, did you see what the Red Sox did last night?  It's not necessarily a bad sign or red flag, in my view.  My suggestion is to take a proactive approach and broach the issue in a low key way.  In other words, give the new guy a chance to open up.  He might surprise you!

LuckyJim

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks LuckyJim. I didn't really see it as a red flag... .simply that I don't want to be pining over my BPDex and it might happen if the connection with new guy doesn't get any deeper... .I think you're right though, some men aren't good with these discussions, but honestly I'm not the greatest at them either... .It's a form of work to broach sensitive and more personal topics, and a person makes themselves vulnerable when they do it. I think it will take efforts on both sides so I am making a note to myself that I may have to put myself in a place that is probably going to be outside of my typical comfort zone... .typically I have fallen for men who broach intimate/personal topics before I do but it's clear now that they were doing so inappropriately and being manipulative about it... .I'm pretty sure new guy is emotionally healthy but that doesn't mean he's perfect either... . 

[Lucky Jim]

It's a form of work to broach sensitive and more personal topics, and a person makes themselves vulnerable when they do it. I think it will take efforts on both sides so I am making a note to myself that I may have to put myself in a place that is probably going to be outside of my typical comfort zone.

Hey c&r, Exactly!  It involves exposing one's vulnerabilities, which at first seems sort of risky.  No, the new guy isn't perfect; the question is whether he is right for you, despite his imperfections.  Only you can figure out the answer, which might take time.  In the meantime, it seems normal to pine for the connection one had with one's BPDex, even though that connection was presumably unhealthy for you.

LJ

[Insom]

Hi, caughtnreleased.     Congrats on your new relationship venture.

If you're used to being in an emotionally intense relationship where bonding happened very quickly it can feel strange to get to know someone at a slower pace.  It sounds like you're doing a good job paying attention to how you feel and thinking things through. 

Being in a relationship with someone who seems to lack curiosity about my personal side, or perhaps the skills to ask questions about it - we talk a lot about work related issues since we have a lot of that in common - is making me miss the sporadic but seemingly deep relationship that I had with the BPDex. Anyone have insights?

I hear that you're ready to try for a deeper connection with this guy but aren't sure how to broach that and that it's important for you to feel he is interested in you.  Are you willing to give this some time?  How much do you think is the right amount? 

[Jeffree]

I don't know. I recently had thrown up in my face by my STBx that in the beginning all I did was complain about my ex wife. Of course, that's not how I remember it, and I remember usually saying we never argued and one day she up and left to have an affair with her boss, which my STBx found very dubious (and was jealous of the more and more she argued with me and I didn't respond to her). There would have been no reason for me to dwell on the bad, given how over the moon I was with my STBx, but whatever.

This brings up my point as to why your new beau might not be engaging you on the the subject of dating pasts. It has been drilled in our heads not to complain about our exes and not to discuss them. Period. Likewise, we've been told not to bash, complain about, or talk negatively about previous employers during job interviews.

For some reason we've become averse to this negative talk as a society, so maybe that's why your guy isn't discussing it or asking about it... .at least not yet.

J

[caughtnreleased]

I hear that you're ready to try for a deeper connection with this guy but aren't sure how to broach that and that it's important for you to feel he is interested in you.  Are you willing to give this some time?  How much do you think is the right amount? 

I guess that I'm not really into relationships that don't go deep. The longer it goes on the longer I will feel uncomfortable and alone "with" someone. I've found that not only am I craving the ex (which also is a first for me in dating - once I start dating someone new I tend to really move on from the past) but I am craving spending time with very close friends, I am feeling homesick as well (this also has never happened... .not ever). There's a lot of emotional unfamiliarity for me at the moment. I think I want to find someone with whom I feel as though I am "home". And somehow I am not getting it - yet. Being with him is making me crave it from others. Even though there are a lot of good things going on with this guy. It's a comfort thing for sure. Being with the BPDex certainly gave me that feeling of comfort. There was a strong connection but the flip side was always that dread that the rug would be pulled from underneath ... .and that inevitably always happened.

There is also a difference between complaining about an ex and being able to discuss past relationships with a certain level of maturity. At the moment he has given me a brief idea of what has happened to his past relationship and it seems as though he simply grew out of his last relationship from passing comments he has made. No real discussion, no "what about you?"... .Perhaps I am asking for too much too soon. I know I am not helping because I'm not good at broaching these topics... .something I need to work on for myself.

[Lucky Jim]

I think I want to find someone with whom I feel as though I am "home". And somehow I am not getting it - yet. Being with him is making me crave it from others. Even though there are a lot of good things going on with this guy. It's a comfort thing for sure.

Hello again, c&r, Maybe your new r/s lacks "chemistry," despite the new guy's good qualities?  LJ

[caughtnreleased]

It certainly doesn't have the sizzling hot chemistry that I had with the BPDex... .however there is some chemistry there. It's very different chemistry. And I really enjoy spending time with him. I think I need to just let this happen for the moment and see how (if) it evolves. Probably just need to relax while staying in touch with myself on this.