Time to stop playing pong with myself

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Oh god no there won’t be effort on my part to be in that 1% ,you know how well I’ve been sleeping knowing I only see her as a friend now? God so much  better it’s like I’m normal again! Yeah no there won’t be any actually real relationship between us.She took Wednesday off because her neck/ back are killing her cuz she only sleeps 3 hrs a night.So to be comforting on Thursday I told her “hey if your feeling down we can talk, use me if you need k?

All I got was , B.B. I know we haven’t seen each other and I miss you ,I wish I could make us a priority soon.?  Old Shawn’s reaction would have been “Christ why is she in a relationship I’m tired of this”. New Shawn “thank dear god I’m out of this relationship,and thank god she has no clue I checked out,but she’s happy cuz I’m giving her attention so she doesn’t feel alone”. Could I attempt to have a discussion and bring it to her attention? Been there done that don’t care to relive the complications.That evening as I was putting my motorcycle helmet on I couldn’t be happier and I slept like a baby ! Old Shawn is still be upset with no sleep ... .good luck to the 1% not me.Ill need help on here just to be friends with her ,that’s the maximum involvement I’m giving her.Working out so far

[Shawnlam]

Oh god no there won’t be effort on my part to be in that 1% ,you know how well I’ve been sleeping knowing I only see her as a friend now? God so much  better it’s like I’m normal again! Yeah no there won’t be any actually real relationship between us.She took Wednesday off because her neck/ back are killing her cuz she only sleeps 3 hrs a night.So to be comforting on Thursday I told her “hey if your feeling down we can talk, use me if you need k?

All I got was , B.B. I know we haven’t seen each other and I miss you ,I wish I could make us a priority soon.?  Old Shawn’s reaction would have been “Christ why is she in a relationship I’m tired of this”. New Shawn “thank dear god I’m out of this relationship,and thank god she has no clue I checked out,but she’s happy cuz I’m giving her attention so she doesn’t feel alone”. Could I attempt to have a discussion and bring it to her attention? Been there done that don’t care to relive the complications.That evening as I was putting my motorcycle helmet on I couldn’t be happier and I slept like a baby ! Old Shawn is still be upset with no sleep ... .good luck to the 1% not me.Ill need help on here just to be friends with her ,that’s the maximum involvement I’m giving her.Working out so far

[Skip]

thank dear god I’m out of this relationship, and thank god she has no clue I checked out, but she’s happy cuz I’m giving her attention... .

This "in, but not full in" is hard on you, no doubt. It would trouble me too. I have a very independent partner and I fall to second and third priority from time to time - she has a lot of family in town. My family is far away.

We work through it. I accept that her social calendar is more demanding than mine. She accepts that I like more of a day-to-day relationship. We find ways to do that.  

In the beginning, she only had a day a week to see me and I considered to stop calling and just drift on (no drama). I'm a social person so I could find a more attentive situation. I also considered to up my game with her - attract her more (not ask for more). I tried the latter and we really connected.

This is a more common problem than you think. Sometimes we can find/want to ways to solve it and sometimes it's just better to let it go. It may work, it may not. It's a fine line, and a very personal choice.

Old Shawn’s reaction would have been “Christ why is she in a relationship I’m tired of this”.

What did you say?

I wish I could make us a priority soon.

From her perspective (what she says), why is it hard for her to dedicate more time to the relationship? How far away does she live? What is her custody arrangement? How old are the children? Does she have family nearby? Does she work late?

[Shawnlam]

To answer your two questions SKip the old Shawn was always anxious and annoyed because like you I enjoy actually being with my partner so it really made me upset seeing her not even 48 hrs every two weeks maybe.Thats what I used to be ... .now I couldn’t care a less to be honest what or who she does and if or if I don’t see her anymore in person.

To answer your second question she lives 21 minutes away by Ford F-150 and 8 minutes away by Honda CBR1000RR motorcycle

[Shawnlam]

Oddly I answered the second question but it didn’t post ?

[Skip]

To answer your two questions... .

Not sure you answered my questions, but that's ok.

Glad you "couldn’t be happier", "slept like a baby", and "couldn’t care a less to be honest what or who she does and if or if I don’t see her anymore in person".  

[Shawnlam]

Yeah to answer the questions lets hope this posts ummm I always felt she didn’t really care after the honeymoon period to see me as much.She spent more of her little free time with her gf almost always ,plus not having introduced me to her family etc etc.Yet she’s talk about moving in together and marriage etc yet after the 4th mont maybe 5th spending time with her was like pulling teeth.Id almost have to be a pain about it and when she did it felt like there yeah go done ,off to my life if that makes sense.I now know she just needs me at a phones reach not to feel alone I guess but it sure wasn’t a relationship.

Now fast forward to her life  now she’s just back to doing the same things it just doesn’t bother me anymore because i don’t and can’t take her seriously.With that said I believe she just said the whole “making us a priority thing” as a form  of manipulation or grasp for time that will go nowhere anyways .I couldn’t tell you more on why because it doesn’t make much more sense to me either ?

[Skip]

I always felt she didn’t really care after the honeymoon period to see me as much.

Do you think the first 120 days was mostly a rebound from her breakup and selling the house? She was at a low point back then. Did the rebound maybe get too hot and crash when the two of you couldn't get on the same page (resolve conflict) over meeting families and the holidays?

The second 120 days has been a very different story. Pregnancy trauma. Unmet expectations/conflict. Two breakups. Communication breakdown. Resentments. Distrust.

[Shawnlam]

No I wasn’t the rebound guy because she’d been away from her ex about 6 months and she had a few (men) in between from what I was told.Besides that I really don’t know what happened and now even less .If I was a rebound guy then what’s with the clinging on now ? Kinda doesn’t make sense unless she’s playing games as revenge? But from what I’ve read BPD’s don’t usually waste their time too much when it’s over they just move on especially when they paint someone black(in my case no which makes even less sense).All in all its too much to try and make sense with her and her tactics or ways of doing things.Its almost laughable to try and follow her decisions one day she’s like let’s go to dinner with the kids then no ,then let’s reschedule then no... .it’s almost like she is living a life with numerous men in it playing them all like puppets ( just an analogy).Very tiring to understand and to any sane person not really worth it if you know what I mean ? To any sane person it’s actually very insulting, she’s not the president of the United States here so just stop with the flip flopping and control if you know what I mean?
Could be her form of revenge for me leaving her ,so now she’s playing games while getting comfortable with her plan B guy that’s now her plan A but what’s really the point yeah know? Just drives people away

[once removed]

shawn, before you came to the Bettering board, you were missing her, still loved her, and badly wanted to send a closure letter. you met for breakfast, kissed, and got back together.

then you moved to the Bettering board, and started offering complex, if unrealistic theories for simple things (the feedback youve received suggests this will not help), and you are wringing your hands, somewhere between being "totally at peace" and maddeningly frustrated. you dont want to elaborate/work through the problems in the relationship, and i see no plan for going forward.

i guess my quesion would be what happened in between moving from Detaching to Bettering?

are things moving too quickly? are you nervous?

[Shawnlam]

A good answer would be that when I was in the detaching board and away from her for I believe 3 weeks the missing her amplified and the love never really went away .The yes I wrote the letter met her and emotions kicked back in .The literally within less than a week her stupidity started again with booking and cancelling things and it kick started why I left in the first place and the annoyance of her as a human being came right back with a vengeance! So now I’m just like “god what am I doing here after all the books,videos online of victims telling their story and how happy they are it’s over and how they moved on”  why did I go back? Even after reading codependency why can’t this sink in that it’s futile to be with this person,stop pitying her,stop caring for her,she sure doesn’t for you, and WALK AWAY NO CONTACT... .but here I am typing again like a fool.Here was this weeks crazy in a nut shell

Wednesday we were supposed to go eat but she had a bad neck and back which I saw on Sunday so no big deal.She said let’s go Friday I have no plans .Here is Friday and I text her after work asking “ hey I gott figure out out what I’m gonna eat”.What do I get ?instead of just a simple no or whatever I get a one sec text “I know she’s on the phone with her only friend” and the I get a screenshot of movie times and she says “ I’m taking the boys to a movie if you look at the times I don’t kiw where I can fit dinner in”?  Now any normal person would have invited their supposed to be bf to a movie with her sons and dinner but as usual she’s with her friend .So I return I just said ok have a good weekend rest that neck and back up . Boom nothing no more texts ... .Now I know I said I see her only as a friend but even my friends don’t lie or literally plan something with someone else while on the phone with me... .nobody I know and respect would do that to me or me to them it’s just not done .With that said I’m going to simply back totally off at this point and dear god I hope she gets the point and moves on.That way I can heal ,move on,and stop looking like a basket case on this forum and simply move totally on in life.( and restart one from scratch with what’s left of my dignity).

[once removed]

im going to be a little blunt here, and i say it to help and hopefully break through:

none of this has anything to do with anyone elses story, or victims. you are wildly overreacting to perceived slights.

i dont read any "crazy", shawn. you told her you were hungry and asked her what youre supposed to eat, and you seem to have expected her to read your mind, drop her plans, and accommodate yours; and you perceive anything else as some carefully calculated, conniving disrespect designed to ruin you.

im not saying this to help the trajectory of this relationship. i dont sense any interest in doing that. i say it because shawn, this is not a winning strategy in any relationship. if your goal is to move on and find a healthy partner, she will balk at all of it.

[Shawnlam]

She booked this Friday ,she didn’t have to drop her plans she made new ones like usual and dumped me on the side ! She does this all the time , we make plans she breaks them  huge disrespect.She just wants to do what she wants to do when she wants how she wants ... .this isn’t how a relationship goes sorry but you are highly incorrect

[once removed]

 well shawn, it looks like i completely misread your post. i apologize for that, and responding to you based on my misreading.

the only part i would reiterate is what i said earlier: i dont sense that she breaks plans to punish you or out of revenge. shes flaky. its really rude, and id be immensely frustrated too.

With that said I’m going to simply back totally off at this point and dear god I hope she gets the point and moves on.

what if she doesnt?

Thanks again guys/girls time to go fix myself

i dont know how this relationship will turn out (it sounds like youve abandoned hope) but we have an entire board to do this kind of work. stick around, and if things go south, after some of the pain has tapered off, id encourage you to work with us on the Learning board. this happens to a lot of us again. there is work to do and lessons to learn.

[once removed]

The way she handled cancelling dinner plans is wrong on many levels.

what am I doing here after all the books,videos online of victims telling their story and how happy they are it’s over and how they moved on”  why did I go back? Even after reading codependency why can’t this sink in that it’s futile to be with this person,stop pitying her,stop caring for her,she sure doesn’t for you, and WALK AWAY NO CONTACT... .but here I am typing again like a fool.Here was this weeks crazy in a nut shell

No one get's tossed to the curb by someone they love and then feels happy because they responded by going no contact. You have to read what people say carefully. Yesterday you said "you couldn't be happier". You didn't really mean this. They don't really mean it.

You simply want this relationship to return to the positive and intense level of the first 120 days. That was great. You deeply resent the way she has backed off during the second 120 days (which has been handled badly on her part, no question). You are in the classic "too good to leave, too bad to stay" situation.

I think you are throwing tactics at this problem that are making things worse, not better. You have dismissed most of the advice and observations members have given you, rather than mine the ideas with them for how they might best fit your situation. Most members that were trying to help have moved on to help others because you are not engaging them.

Do you want to abandon the idea to make things better and move on to mostlty vent your frustrations at this point? Get support that the situation sucks (it does)? Are you basically in Stage Four (click the link to see Stage Three)?

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

 

[Shawnlam]

Well it is what it is at this point then I guess .I won’t be writing any farewell posts but I will thank everyone here for all the help and information they gave me.Im at a point where call it stage 4/5 whatever  I’m tired of looking and feeling like a jerkoff to be honest with her.Ive lost enough dignity,pride,self respect for one person who couldn’t give a damn about me and is statistically unable to change in any significant way regardless of therapies ,the percentile is so small I equate it to playing the loto.Ill have to side with the far left side of the internets view on BPD’s,like Paul erm and so many others... .once there is abuse move on fast and abandon hope either physical or mental .I luckily only felt the mental but more than enough to last a lifetime.Thanks again guys/girls time to go fix myself ... .all the best in your endeavors