Feels like I'm stuck in molasses

[Angie59]

Hi everyone,

I feel so stuck right now and yes, I have written of this before; however, something very sad is happening in my life right now.  I don't know how many people can relate to the relationship some people have with their dogs.  Mine is very therapeutic to me.  I've held him while I cried and he licked my tears; just having him close has been a comforting thing.  Overall, he is my little buddy.

He was acting a little strange at the beginning of the weekend.  He sleeps with us and we woke up to find him without the use of his back legs.  It was so startling and heartbreaking.  We took him to the vet and to make a long story short, his prognosis is poor. 

How does this feed into my son's uBPD fiancee and my son?  I am so brokenhearted over my dog right now and I cannot seem to do any of the things that are on the links, etc... .

What I do understand:  I do not have control over what goes on in their relationship.  I can only control me and my reactions and attitude.  My reactions right now are literally hatred toward her and disgust toward my son.  Even though I have stated the things I really do logically understand, I am still feeling this way.  It seems too much to handle and show any validation, empathy, etc... .to either my son or her.  My dog is causing so much sadness in my heart right now and anxiety that I simply don't have any energy for doing any work towards them. 

My husband and I decided not to go over there this Thursday and Friday because of the dog.  We will not take him over there because my GS2 would not be safe around him.  Even though I will miss my grandson terribly, I don't have what it takes right now to give any effort toward them - not one drop. 

I wish I didn't sound so harsh, but I am trying to be honest, which I feel free to do on this board.

Thanks for listening,
Angie59

[Turkish]

I'm sorry about your poor puppy 

I agree with you and it's good to focus upon that which is at home and within your sphere of influence. That is,  to deal with tough emotions related to and taking care of your dog.

T

[No-One]

Angie59:
I'm so very sorry to hear about your dog. Dogs are great companions and can be a wonderful source of comfort.  Did your doctor give you any indication of what the problem is or are you going to have some tests done? 

My prior dog weighed around 90 lbs. and she developed a problem with her rear legs at around age 11.  I took her to a veterinary neurologist and was told she had something called degenerative myelopathy (problem with signals going from the brain to the legs).  There was no treatment offered.

There are various assistance devices for handicapped animals.  I used to have to use something as a sling around her midsection to lift her up and assist her to go out for bathroom duties. 

I hope there is some treatment available for your dog.  Pets are indeed part of the family and it's hard when we have to part ways.  I wish our pets had a longer life span.  It's hard for me to think of the eventual loss of my current large 11-year old dog.  I know she is at the end of her life span. 

Take care of yourself. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Angie... .

First, I’m so sorry to hear about the troubles with your sweet fur-buddy. I’m very attached to my furkid too. He calms me like nothing and no one else can. I understand how upset you must be.

I think it’s very good that you identified and prioritized a boundary about how much you need to focus your energies on your sweet pup right now. This is what you need for you and your little buddy right now.

Later, when you are feeling a bit better, perhaps it would be helpful to read this article on conflict and ending the nasty cycle. While the article is written from the perspective of a romantic relationship, it’s not difficult to see how adaptable the techniques are for any type of relationship facing conflict.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Another thought... .There’s no shame in having any of the feelings you are having. Feelings just *are*.  Both you and they are real and valid and it is perfectly ok to feel them, recognize them, spend time processing them. Our responsibility lies in our “reaction” to our feelings.

It took me quite a while to really understand I’m not required to provide any “shared with the other party” reaction to a conflict situation or my feelings that result from it.

It took me a while to understand that no reaction and no response (or at least not an immediate one) is often much more powerful than engaging in the nonsensical conflict and trying to make sense out of it.

All this to say, be patient and kind with yourself. You are grieving a very real loss. The loss of what you dreamed for the future... .for your son, your grandchildren and yourself.

Sending you lots of love, Angie.