totally lost

[sadmom 77]

  Hi all,
    I have a daughter who is married.  It seems that she recently had a revelation that her parents (us) were the reason for
her suicide tendency and eating disorder. When she was a teenager she was depressed and we sought immediate help through professional counseling. We adhered to all advice that was given to us by her therapist as well as her school psychologist . Her father and I also had sessions with the therapist to see what we could do to help her.  After over a year of love and support, we thought we had beat this.  Apparently not. She has decided to not only blame us , but has been telling lies to other family members making us look like horrible parents.  We are in shock... .We have always been there for her throughout her whole life. Whatever she asked of us, we obliged.  We are so horribly hurt, and whats really bad is that she will not talk to us about it. No matter how many times we try to contact her, she does not respond. We are being blamed for something we have no clue what. We have offered to go to counseling with her, but to no avail.  She doesn't even want to go to therapy about this herself.  She presently is battling her eating disorder herself, but we are so afraid that something awful is going to happen.  We love her no matter what.  We've told her this her whole life and continue to do so.  She seems to have no empathy or feelings to what she is doing to us emotionally.  We are at a standstill.  Any advice would be helpful... .thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Faith Spring]

Hey sadmom, just wanted to let you know I read your post and feel terrible you're going through this.  Your nerves must be shot.  Bad enough worrying about her eating disorder but to have her lie about you and refuse to talk is really too much. 

I'm new here too.  I haven't looked at the tools on the right but it's probably what you should do.  I'm still reeling with grief over the relationship I'll never have with my daughter. 

It's only been a few months for me but what's helped is me doing yoga, taking walks and writing here.  Just knowing you're not alone is so healing. 

Please let me know how you're doing. 

[Mutt]

Hi sadmom77,



I’d like to join Faith Spring and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, I can understand how deeply hurt you are after everything that you have done for your d.

Im glad that you decided to join us, I’d like to echo Faith Spring you’re not alone, you’ll se that you’ll fit right in here, you’ll see your experience in other people’s stories.

Read as much as you can about BPD you’ll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

You said that she’s married, is her spouse trying to help her?

[Huat]

Hello SadMom77.  I join Mutt and Faith Spring in welcoming you to our community.

I have been through (am going through!) much of what you write.  It is unfathomable how one's heart can hurt so much, caused by the child we love so much.  I wallowed in that hurt... .hurt that was compounded because we lost contact with our grandchildren, too.  We were surrogate parents to them as their mother (our daughter) went through divorces, custody battles... .loved us one minute... .hated us the next... .most of the time trying to figure our what happened to cause the reversal.  Yep, the words "roller coaster ride" are used so much in this forum but they describe our situations so well.

It took me so long to realize that I could not change my daughter... .but I could change myself.  That really is the secret to success, SadMom77. 

I agree that it is not easy to hear that lies are being told about you.  How do you defend yourself?  It turns out to be a "he-said-she-said" scenario and you are left to wonder who is being believed.

We, too, have offered to go to counselling with our daughter but to no avail.  We, too, always tell our daughter that she is loved.  Actually, hearing that has at times made her even madder. 

As her verbal abuse towards us (well... .towards me, her Mom) was escalating, it became apparent that we could no longer "offer" but instead "insist" on counselling. 

My advice to you would be to back off... .for now.  You've told her you love her.  You haven't cut her out of your lives and she knows where you are.  You write that you know your daughter is battling her eating disorder ( a battle in itself!) and you are "so afraid that something awful is going to happen."   As hard as it is to accept, the reality is that you have no power to stop whatever it is that could/might happen.   Take comfort in knowing that she is an adult and she is not on her own.  There is someone (her husband) who is aware of her situation and able to help when help is needed.

Hope you keep using us as your sounding board, Sadmom77.  Wishing you better days.

Huat 

[Speck]

Welcome, sadmom 77!



I wanted to take a moment to join the others in welcoming you to the discussion forums. I'm so sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. From what you have written, it seems clear you will get good ideas and support here if you continue to read and post. In short, you have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion, and education as it relates to coping with loved ones who have personality disorders.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

We are so horribly hurt, and whats really bad is that she will not talk to us about it. No matter how many times we try to contact her, she does not respond. We are being blamed for something we have no clue what. We have offered to go to counseling with her, but to no avail.

I am so sorry you are faced with this. Even so, I just have to applaud you for being willing to continue to put forth effort into understanding your troubled daughter. In my opinion, that's true love. This site is rather HUGE, however, there are many, many articles related to bettering your relationship with the angle of using healthy communication techniques, setting needed boundaries, and validating what is valid. You will find these articles in the right-handed panel on this board. We can help you with questions, point you in the direction of additional resources, or just be a sounding board.

Tell us more about yourself and your story. It helps you to get it out, and it helps others when they see that they are not the only ones suffering. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Daisy123]

Hello Sadmom,
I am truly sorry to hear about your situation. It’s got to be maddening and so hurtful.

I am currently enrolled in in Family Connections, a 12 week education program addressing BPD. It is a support network that offers classes around the nation.

Nearly all of the parents in the Family Connections class have had very similar situations.

What the leaders have shared is that sadly, this is an excruciating and common symptom ( for the families being accused) of BPD. All of the parents have said that their loved ones actually believe their own lies. It is, for persons with BPD, their reality.

What seems to add salt to their wounds is the fact that friends and other family members believe the loved one with BPD.

I’m new to this site and have finally found a place where others understand. My DD20 was just diagnosed last November so I’m catching up on learning as much as I can about this disease.

Again, I’m so sorry your D is putting you and your husband through this.