BPD and etiquette

[LeneLu]

So, I am looking for opinions here.  I have a cousin getting married next winter.  His sister was married  last year.  In the lead up to that, I threw a family engagement party for her and invited all family members, near and far.

I feel like I should do the same thing for my cousin and his fiancé.  However, I am currently no-contact with my BPDsis.  We all are invited to the wedding.  If I have a "family party" I assume that I would have to invite her because she is on their list and not inviting her would make them uncomfortable.  Obviously, I don't want to invite her, host her, extend hospitality she doesn't deserve, not to mention the stress it would cause me. How do I protect myself and do the right thing (celebrate the marriage) at the same time?

[Learning2Thrive]

Just because you *feel* like you should do the same for this cousin does not mean you should. Circumstances change over time and you aren’t obligated to do “the same” as you did for your cousin’s sister last year.

It sounds to me like you are feeling a bit of F.O.G. What about doing something special and different for this cousin?

[Harri]

I like Learning2thrive's suggestion to plan something else.  How about a small more intimate dinner and maybe see a play or something? 

[Woolspinner2000]

Another thought that came to my mind is I wondered if there is another family member that could run and host the party? You can offer to help but perhaps skirt around the drama and obligation you are feeling.

What do you think?

Wools

[Turkish]

Do you think there would be any fallout of you don't throw a party? Think, not feel... .Sometimes it's hard to separate the two. 

[LeneLu]

There wouldn't be fallout from not hosting and no one has mentioned it to me.  This is just my rumination.

The other person that *could* host it is my BPDsis.  But she never would.  She expects that I will do it because I have a house (she has a condo, but the building does have a nice party room.)

She is constantly complaining that I don't "appreciate" her.  But, she doesn't recognize that she doesn't appreciate the things that I do because for me it is expected. And, if I don't, I am "lazy"--yup, she has called me that to my face--despite the fact that I have a full-time job, a kid, a husband, in-laws, friends, volunteer work and yes, a house.  She has every excuse in the book not to do it.

I just hate that if this weren't the situation, I would do it. But because I am, my cousin won't get what I would actually like to provide him.

[Turkish]

So it sounds like you are struggling with how BPD sis, with whom you are currently NC, might view you rather than your other relatives.  :)o you think throwing the party would change her thoughts of you? And are you leaning towards hosting the party more because of this?

[LeneLu]

No... .I am concerned about my other family members would think/feel if I had a party and didn't invite her.  For her part, I hope that it reinforces my boundaries.  I have told her that I can't have her in my life if she isn't nice to me.  I can't take it anymore.

[GaGrl]

Just a thought...

Can you host on "neutral ground"? A community clubhouse, an event facility, a church reception hall? That way, you can set it up for your cousin, and perhaps have another relative invite your BPD sis... .maintaining several degrees of separation.