My uBPD Mother is SO manipulative...

[MiserableDaughter]

I already know this and have known this for years, but my mother is soo manipulative. This is part of the reason I had to move far away from her to raise my family. But it still bothers me so much sometimes. She has basically kept my dad away from his family because of her jealousy issues, and she tries to keep me away from my inlaws and my brother away from his inlaws due to her issues... .

Basically, in these relationships, she can ONLY compliment herself. She will NEVER give anyone credit for doing anything nice or saying anything nice. If we point out that someone is nice, (for example, if I say something my brother's wife did was very nice) my mother will immediately say, "It's because I am nice to her and do soo much for her, so she has to be nice." Like no one can be a good person. It's all because of HER. She misinterprets even the nicest gestures to make herself look like a victim ALWAYS. But only in these competitive inlaw relationships, not with her friends.

So anyways, as I said, I live 700 miles away from my parents now, THANK GOD. My inlaws are in India. My mother in law and mother have had major issues through the years, mostly because my mother has been obnoxious, complained about my husband to her etc. They used to chat a lot but my mother in law stopped callling her cause she got sick of her. But this summer, we are expecting a second baby, and my inlaws will visit as well. I know my parents will want to come and meet them, and I just generally was talking to my husband saying that I will talk to his mom before the visit, to just et oold stuff go and be nice for the two days they visit so its not awkward... .

So my husband, bless his heart, talks to his mom and tells her she should call my mom and break the ice. My mother in law firstly vented lots of issues with my mom to my husband, but then agreed that she would break the ice. So she called my mom... .My mother told me she called her and talked for half an hour and it was very nice... .My very manipulative mother never told me my mother in law called her because she LOVES telling me that my mother in law NEVERRRRR calls her, after she makes effort blah blah... .Then apparently, my mother in law called my mom AGAIN yesterday to chat about my baby shower that I had this past weekend for some reason... .Lol. I didn't need my mother in law to call my mom every other day! I just wanted it to not be awkward when they met! In fact nothing good can come out of talking to my mom often because my mom will only find things wrong. But even so, my mother has mentioned NOTHING to me.

So what pisses me off is my mom's sheer manipulation of only conveying info that makes her appear as a victim... .And also assuming everyone else is SO dumb that they never speak with each other and would never know who talks to who etc. My mother is a queen, narcissist yet still plays martyr and victim. She would prefer to say she has a BAD relationship due to the other person being so awful, then genuinely trying to have a good relationship with relatives. Anywhere there is slight competition for her in her mind,  she will make herself look like the victim. I feel bad now, cause my mother in law is genuinely trying... .

Why cant i just have a normal mom who would look out for my best interest? Forever, she has only looked out for HERSELF and how to make HERSELF look like the only great person in the world. I wish I could like my mother... .But I just don't. She's even competed with me for my own child... .Which is one of the big reasons I moved away.

I truly hope my mom makes a bit of effort with my MIL now too, since she is trying. But knowing her... .she is a chronic liar as well, and will find a way to make my MIL look bad.

[Harri]

Do your parents have to visit while your in-laws are there?  It sounds like a bad situation for everyone, especially your MIL.  Can't you just say to your mom that you do not want everyone there at once?  That it would be too much for you?

[MiserableDaughter]

MY other in law will be here for a good 2-3 months since visiting from India, and are visiting after 4 years, so I know my parents will want to come and meet them. I guess for us, also considered culturally rude for them to not come, even if it’s uncomfortable. Crazy stuff... .I wish they wouldn’t but they will. Whether or not they like each other. Even my mother in law would consider it rude if my parents didn’t come. Weird culture right? I know... .

[Turkish]

It sounds like your mother and mother in law are getting along,  at least by phone. How would you feel about detaching from that and letting their r/s develop (or not), apart from you? They ate both grown women, adults, able to make their own decisions.

[MiserableDaughter]

They aren’t getting along. My mother in law called my mom cause my husband asked her to in order to break the ice. My point was that my mother will always play victim and complain to me that my mother in law never calls her, even thoigh she herself doesn’t speak with her. But now that my mother in law is making an effort, my mother will never tell me she called her! I was saying that it hurts me that my mom is so manipulative she would never say anything nice about anyone else and would rather keep herself in the victim role.

[Turkish]

I was just reading a facebook post by Dr.  Craig Childress about BPD/NPD and lying, a dysfunctional coping mechanism to deal written negative emotions. I experienced numerous instances of both my ex and my mother denying certain things that happened.  These were big things that could be easily provable.  It's easy to prove your MIL called, but unlike to yield anything positive trying to do so. 

[MiserableDaughter]

Exactly. It just infuriates me all over again that my mother would rather lie and always say she's a victim, then ever appreciate anyone else. And over that, she truly thinks she is smarter than the rest of us, and can mess with our minds to turn us against someone. Also, she assumes no one of us ever talk to each other and know that she is lying... .I guess I am not surprised. Like I said, that is why I moved in the first place... .I could never co-exist with her in the same physical territory. But it still bothers me all over again... .Wish I truly had a genuine, well- meaning mom instead of a "poor me... .I DO SO MUCH, but these HORRIBLE PEOPLE just victimize me!" I guess it's hitting me more, because I am having a baby girl in 8 weeks. I can't imagine ever being like her with my child... .