Family Reunion - Anxious

[Wolfhound]

Hello I’m so happy to have found this forum.

Here’s my situation in a nutshell... .my sibling has all the traits of undiagnosed High functioning BPD and my father and I are the usual receivers of their rages/blame/anger/discards/guilt trips although I have also seen them hit and rage at their mate and crybully my mother and rage at random people who happened to get in their way on a bad day.

I have been taking baby steps toward putting boundaries in place.  Over the course of the last year I’ve been able to emotionally dis-enmesh from feeling responsible, guilty or sad about the way things are between us.  Now I’m just focusing on protecting myself emotionally and setting calm and assertive boundaries - with the same determination as I would act to protect an innocent child from abuse.  I owe myself that now.

Setting boundaries by email (not responding to FOG or answering back in a short, professional tone) has got me blocked from all their social media sites, which I am fine with.

The challenge is now that we’ll be interacting at this family reunion I don’t want a big scene, which they are very capable of.  I need as many tips as I can get.

There’s going to be enablers, those who’ve bought into my siblings  koolaid and who think I’m to blame for all their feelings, and others who merely think they’re “emotional” and don’t realize the harm they cause.

I’ve accepted that not everyone is going to understand my ”grey rock” behaviour, and I’m even expected ting some to say “you guys need to talk”. Any tips on sidestepping all of that?

[LeneLu]

Wolfhound,

I am in the same boat.  I have avoided seeing my uBPDsis, but with family weddings, etc. coming up, it can't last forever.  In my correspondence, my sis has told me that she has protected me from her anger by controlling her emotions.  So, I can only imagine what her behavior will be like when I do eventually see her. 

I will be curious to read others' advice.

LeenLou

[Mutt]

Hi Wolfhound,



I’d like to join leenlou and welcome you to bpdfamily. I can see how there would anxiety building up as the family reunion draws closer. I can relate with your post I’m the scapegoat of the family some family members of people don’t manage their feelings so they project it.

Does your sibling act out behind closed doors or publicly? You could let their actions speak for itself when you dont engage if someone is screaming at someone else in public the attention is drawn towards the person acting out you think what’s wrong with them? I’d set a boundary on yourself that if you feeel uncomfortable, abusive behaviour is directed at you and you won’t tolerate then leave the family reunion. Thoughts?

[cedarview]

Hi Wolfhound,

I agree with Mutt. The best thing you can do is to become comfortable ahead of time with your option to just leave if your BPD sibling begins to act out against you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Run it over in your mind that if they start up with you, you will politely ask to change the subject or just say "I don't like this conversation or how you are talking to me." If they persist, you politely get up and say your goodbyes. My wife and I have psyched ourselves up to do just that when we have anticipated trouble from my uBPD parents but we have not had to do it yet.

[sklamath]

Welcome, fellow newbie!

It sounds like you know how to set boundaries with your BPD sibling. What might some good boundaries look like with your extended family? I suspect you wouldn't be the one to bring up BPD sibling in conversation; so how might you redirect the conversation with other relatives if it goes there? Or if it comes out of nowhere? Are there some conversational topics you could be prepared to shift to if necessary?

My extended family LOVES to get all mixed up in one another's business, so I've had some practice at this. I treat it the same way I would gossip about someone else... .and I think "don't JADE" is totally applicable here as well. For example, if I got told directly, "You guys need to talk," I would likely respond with an, "Uh-huh/Hmmm. [completely different topic]." If pressed, "This conversation isn't appropriate." No need to reward their awkward & out-of-bounds question. If I saw the conversation heading more gradually into interpersonal relationships with other relatives (i.e. gossip and meddling), I might redirect by asking about my relative's special interest (who doesn't like permission to talk about they love?), talk about a class/project/trip I just finished, or break out a fun group game.

My BPD mom has been known to pout when she sees me having positive interactions with other relatives; does your sibling have a tendency to react to this as well? If that does happen, or if your sibling otherwise acts out, I concur with what others have said: act with integrity, own your own actions, and let your sibling's behavior speak for itself.

[Lien]

Hi Wolfhound,

Welcome here! I'm relatively new around here, but have found it to be really helpful and a safe place to explore the ins and outs of navigating a relationship with a sibling (in-law, in my case) with uBPD.

I definitely cannot call myself an expert, but I want to congratulate you first on realizing the care you need to give yourself. It's not easy! We started enforcing boundaries right before Christmas and actually decided to talk to my uBPD SIL back in January about how her behaviour was affecting us and clearly laid out our boundaries and why we were setting them up. Since then she's been giving us the silent treatment until last week (my story of that is in another thread), but we get together as a family once a month, so I definitely can understand all the emotions that go into seeing your pwBPD in that setting.

The challenge is now that we’ll be interacting at this family reunion I don’t want a big scene, which they are very capable of.  I need as many tips as I can get.

There’s going to be enablers, those who’ve bought into my siblings  koolaid and who think I’m to blame for all their feelings, and others who merely think they’re “emotional” and don’t realize the harm they cause.

One of the biggest things that I'm learning has nothing to do with my uBPD SIL, but more to do with all the relationships affected by it. I realized that a lot of the FOG that I experienced was put on me by myself and by family members and friends, however well meaning they were. Remember that you know your truth, and when they approach you, take time to remind yourself of that truth. Then, for example, you can even graciously thank them for their concern, but state clearly that it is between you and your pwBPD. Then merrily go on your way. Basically what it boils down to in my mind is that the same methods with which you would treat the BPD's behaviour directly from the pwBPD is how you would treat the secondhand drama brought to you by the pwBPD's "allies", if that makes sense? Ultimately, like you said, just like you can't control how your pwBPD acts, you cannot control anyone else and their decisions either, you just get to choose how to respond to them. If you respond with humble confidence, not anger or defiance or insecurity or slander etc., then people will eventually get the hint that though they may question your motives, you are at peace.

I second this, well put sklamath!:

act with integrity, own your own actions, and let your sibling's behavior speak for itself.

A few resources that have been helpful for me:

• www.outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
• https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
• Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend
• Stop Walking on Eggshells, by Mason and Kreger

[Turkish]

For example, if I got told directly, "You guys need to talk," I would likely respond with an, "Uh-huh/Hmmm. [completely different topic]." If pressed, "This conversation isn't appropriate." No need to reward their awkward & out-of-bounds question. If I saw the conversation heading more gradually into interpersonal relationships with other relatives (i.e. gossip and meddling), I might redirect  by asking about my relative's special interest (who doesn't like permission to talk about they love?), talk about a class/project/trip I just finished, or break out a fun group game.

This is a good suggestion sklamath. It's hard not to rise to the bait,  or unload in a cent, but redirecting can help shift a conversation.