Do they cheat with someone they find exciting but commit to someone safe?

[Gunit1]

Just wanted to know if there is something BPD look for in a partner that's maybe more safe then others? Like mine used me for year and half as an affair but never wanted to commit. Then meets old guy and leaves her 11 year rel within 2 months knowing this new guy.

Do they sometimes just cheat with someone they find exciting but prefer to commit to people they feel are safer and less likely to cheat and dump them?

[ConcernedMan92]

I'm incredibly sorry to hear what you've been through.
Honestly, everyone is different. everyone is unique and thinks differently

But, in BPD and from all the stories i've read, it always results in cheating, most times its the person who has BPD other times its the nons. Well we can't really know for sure if a person will ever be loyal but we just have to take a chance I guess.

The best thing to do is to concentrate on yourself and just move with the flow of things and make you your only priority. This way you never get hurt as much.

I wish you all the best on your healing.
Peace 

[Cromwell]

they never commit, Gunit1, not when it comes to emotional intamacy, they are commitment-phobes, this is the nature of push pull, when engulfment feelings start.

Many with BPD dont seem to care about large age gaps, but this can be explained by a few things; more resources to exploit, more likely to be able to control - the older guy feels somewhat in disbelief to have such a "loving" young beautiful woman. Except, its all just an act. They cant get to the level of emotional intamicy requiring to commit properly. What you said is also true I believe, that there is less chance of being abandoned. I was shocked by the quality of guys that my Ex had prior to me, when she got drunk and started to rage about the one I was replacing, she was attacking his physical characteristics for all the things that I felt he was lacking too, but never said. It made me wonder... .how was this the recent "love of your life" and that "this person meant so much" and now your making really vile derogatory remarks about him. Well it answers a bit your question, either they are on drugs when they first meet these guys or they know they are ugly but prefer that as they will be less likely to leave them. I think its all about control, as my ex once said to me "i like my men well-whipped". It must be a kick to "build up" a guys hopes, infactuate them, make them love you, then go and ruin it all and devastate them. Do they feel bad about it? No, they lack empathy and didnt love in the first place, just a very plausable charade. They are so good at this scam that there will still be victims who will long after the R/S believe that they must still have been loved by their BPDx, understandable, but just a comforting denial.

hope your doing well Gunit.

[gotbushels]

Hi Gunit1   

Do they sometimes just cheat with someone they find exciting but prefer to commit to people they feel are safer ... .

Some BPs go toward excitement, some BPs go toward attention--and on the other side; people in "safer" positions may give a bit of both. There's a neat survey here that I encourage you to have a look at:
SURVEY | Did your BPD partner cheat on you?



Where are you at right now in your recovery Gunit1?

[Turkish]

PwBPD are impulsive,  driven by emotional highs (and lows) more severe than the average bear, so to speak. 

Mine left me for a college senior football jock. She was 31, me 41, he 21. It provided to her what she missed: star-crossed lovers romance. The responsibilities of two adult careers, a house, a baby and a toddler didn't meet her needs.  She told me,  "I have everything I ever wanted but I still feel empty!" I wasn't the best validator of such feelings... .it was definitely exciting for her,  until they married and cohabitated and the adulting realities set in... .within 2-3 months then she started regretting. She committed to him... .which was easier since she got surgery after our daughter never to get pregnant again. But the I intimacy of real life was her beté-noir as it was with me. 

On the surface, it seems like she may have finally learned something.  Deep down emotionally I'm not sure.  While in the affair,  still living with me,  she referred to it as her "sickness" and it wasn't her diagnosed depression or anxiety. I vacilate between still being angry at her (and this isn't productive or helpful after 4.5 years) and empathetic/sad.

[SlyQQ]

Commit is an interesting choice of words,


So no , but you might want to clarify.

[MyBPD_friend]

Just wanted to know if there is something BPD look for in a partner that's maybe more safe then others? Like mine used me for year and half as an affair but never wanted to commit. Then meets old guy and leaves her 11 year rel within 2 months knowing this new guy.

Do they sometimes just cheat with someone they find exciting but prefer to commit to people they feel are safer and less likely to cheat and dump them?

Yes, that's my experience with my ex BPD friend (no affair!).
She does that to her long time bf (18 years together, she is 34, he is 45).
That woman takes any chance to cheat on him, even with strangers, especially when she drunk too much.

[once removed]

hi Gunit1,

ive followed your story, and i want to offer a couple pieces of advice:

1. remember, you posted the other day asking about whether reading about BPD is counter productive? i think it will help to focus in terms of your relationship, and the dynamics that played out for you. asking about/applying these generalizations is not going to help you break down or sort out what happened. it is really akin to asking the same question about blondes, brunettes, or redheads, or... .

2. it will help to engage the thoughts and questions members have chimed in with. reflect. break it down.

3. affairs have complex dynamics and are rarely built to last. they tend to have very similar dynamics in common whether BPD is involved or not. the foundation of affairs tends to be built on escapism and/or fantasy, and both parties are rarely on the same page in terms of how the relationship is playing out. importantly, what breaks most of them down is that both parties begin to have doubts and to lose trust in the other. i think it will take you far to focus your reading and questions on this subject.

i hear that you loved this woman, and really wanted it to work, put a great deal of effort in, and ultimately it did not play out. at the heart of your question, are you wondering why the other guy and not you?

[Gunit1]

hi Gunit1,

ive followed your story, and i want to offer a couple pieces of advice:

1. remember, you posted the other day asking about whether reading about BPD is counter productive? i think it will help to focus in terms of your relationship, and the dynamics that played out for you. asking about/applying these generalizations is not going to help you break down or sort out what happened. it is really akin to asking the same question about blondes, brunettes, or redheads, or... .

2. it will help to engage the thoughts and questions members have chimed in with. reflect. break it down.

3. affairs have complex dynamics and are rarely built to last. they tend to have very similar dynamics in common whether BPD is involved or not. the foundation of affairs tends to be built on escapism and/or fantasy, and both parties are rarely on the same page in terms of how the relationship is playing out. importantly, what breaks most of them down is that both parties begin to have doubts and to lose trust in the other. i think it will take you far to focus your reading and questions on this subject.

i hear that you loved this woman, and really wanted it to work, put a great deal of effort in, and ultimately it did not play out. at the heart of your question, are you wondering why the other guy and not you?

I guess earlier I did think why him and not me. But again though affairs mess things up, she started as an affair with this guy as well. Just not as long before she pulled the plug. But I think it was also due to her knowing she was way over her head. She couldn't juggle 3 guys without someone finding out and I was onto her within days as I could see her attutide changed and her stare. She went from infatuated with me to almost feeling notbing overnight. She continued to lie but cheating with us both for month and half before she left bf and gave me boot like I was yesterday's garbage. Never heard from her again. Been 5 months now. I don't expect to ever hear from her again though see her at work but she's played victim role very well.

[Jeffree]

Personally, I suspect they are all impulse and no control.

Whomever is conveniently available to them they will do to the replacement whatever he or she will tolerate. 

Exciting or safe, they will do whatever the person allows.

I really don't think there's as much premeditation as we give them credit for. That's just our way of giving their treatment of us some logistical context.

J

[Forearmed]

Personally, I suspect they are all impulse and no control.

Whomever is conveniently available to them they will do to the replacement whatever he or she will tolerate. 

Exciting or safe, they will do whatever the person allows.

I really don't think there's as much premeditation as we give them credit for. That's just our way of giving their treatment of us some logistical context.

J

Excellent comment, Jeffree.  It's all about how much they can manipulate the individual. The more you have about you as a person, the more you're able to sustain their personal honeymoon period 'checklist' (and thus their good behaviour!) The relationship is still going to be affected by their core behaviours and the level of break -up 'fallout' will simply be down to the type of person they ended up with.

[Husband321]

Excellent comment, Jeffree.  It's all about how much they can manipulate the individual. The more you have about you as a person, the more you're able to sustain their personal honeymoon period 'checklist' (and thus their good behaviour!) The relationship is still going to be affected by their core behaviours and the level of break -up 'fallout' will simply be down to the type of person they ended up with.

I feel it is just proximity and whomever is around. Younger, older, bi, rich, poor... .

There is no rhyme or reason

[Forearmed]

I feel it is just proximity and whomever is around. Younger, older, bi, rich, poor... .

There is no rhyme or reason

The thing is this was a specific question. Unless the BPD is totally 'out there' (perhaps some are?) the high- functioners among them are still going to have a criteria for cheating (if they already have in a decent source of relationship 'supply' They're disordered, not totally unhinged sexual hedonists.

[gotbushels]

Forearmed   

The more you have about you as a person, the more you're able to sustain their personal honeymoon period 'checklist' (and thus their good behaviour!)

Nice point. If you have more gas to fuel the rewarding part image then you'll probably have more of this aspect of them to handle. At the same time the withdrawing part, impaired self, etc., will probably be there too.

The relationship is still going to be affected by their core behaviours and the level of break -up 'fallout' will simply be down to the type of person they ended up with.

Yes their core behaviours will probably have an effect on the relationship and at the same time these behaviours may have nothing to do with the type of person they're with. A lot of the conditions around the BPD and the BPD itself preexisted the intimate relationship.

It's all about how much they can manipulate the individual.

Yes some of it shows up as manipulations to nons. Some of what they do in their relationship is not conscious how a non would probably perceive it. When a person does something without skill and consciousness--I don't think that's close to manipulation from their side.

[Forearmed]

Hi Bushels : )

We  largely agree. I will add the assertion that the longer the honeymoon period can be sustained the more the BPD will typically subconsciously override their fears with pure infatuation. In some ways that can be worse as when the serious dysregulation comes, the shock for a non [now in love for e.g. a year or so] who feels things have been good enough will be totally confused/ devastated! N.B. No doubt some red flags would have appeared but if he's very codependent he'll have been going out of his way to please his princess!

The other thing is you are still dealing with a human being, so when they aren't being triggered in a relationship  by their heightened emotions / instinctive responses they are still capable of active manipulation. I'm sure much of it is innate. I can certainly see how 'high -functioners' (holding down good jobs, etc.) could easily be capable of more conscious manipulation - even with their condition.

[Husband321]

The thing is this was a specific question. Unless the BPD is totally 'out there' (perhaps some are?) the high- functioners among them are still going to have a criteria for cheating (if they already have in a decent source of relationship 'supply' They're disordered, not totally unhinged sexual hedonists.

I feel they are not actively seeking a particular type of individual to cheat with. Much of it comes down to opportunity and proximity... They tend to be highly impulsive.

Similar to young single men, many young men might be drunk and end up taking home the last girl at the bar. That girl isn't exactly their first choice, she just happens to be there. I find when a BPD woman wants to cheat, she will, and it is more based on opportunity rather than some sort of  pickiness.

I also KNOW they are fully capable of manipulation, and often times they even tell tales of past manipulations or future ones they would like to undertake.

[Forearmed]

I feel they are not actively seeking a particular type of individual to cheat with. Much of it comes down to opportunity and proximity... They tend to be highly impulsive.

Similar to young single men, many young men might be drunk and end up taking home the last girl at the bar. That girl isn't exactly their first choice, she just happens to be there. I find when a BPD woman wants to cheat, she will, and it is more based on opportunity rather than some sort of  pickiness.

I also KNOW they are fully capable of manipulation, and often times they even tell tales of past manipulations or future ones they would like to undertake.

Note, i happily allowed for some BPD's being really 'out there' : ) I maintain the easily attractive high- functioners are more likely to come with higher overall standards (simply due to their awareness of their wide male appeal). Outside of that premise, i've known of women you describe (but it's been an instant turn- off for me for a long while) so yes, i can see your point there. I guess that turn -off factor hasn't allowed me to recognise how bad it can get amongst many. Jeez... . 

[gotbushels]

I will add the assertion that the longer the honeymoon period ... .
In some ways that can be worse as when the serious dysregulation comes, the shock for a non [now in love for e.g. a year or so] who feels things have been good enough will be totally confused/ devastated!

Yes, certainly. The longer the honeymoon before a big dysregulation shows up, the more disconcerting it will probably be for the non. I think that's similar to those people on the board whom have those 10, 20, 30, year relationships. Getting some sense of separation of identity after such a long enmeshment--I admire that.

The other thing is you are still dealing with a human being, so when they aren't being triggered in a relationship  by their heightened emotions / instinctive responses they are still capable of active manipulation.

Yes, for sure.   



Where are you at right now in your recovery Gunit1?

[blooming]

I think with my ex it was just about who was available and who showed interest. It was hard for him to resist interest I think. That's what happened when he cheated on me with a random girl at a party. Forgive me for saying this, but when I showed a picture of her to my friends they all said she wasn't very good-looking and normally my ex 'picks' very pretty girls because he himself is very attractive and he can get pretty much anyone he wants. So I really think it was just that she showed interest and he wasn't feeling well (he was very stressed) and he needed the attention. This is a behaviour I see returning in him.

Also, I think the idea of cheating on his current girlfriend with one of his exes is somehow something that attracts him? It's something that he's done once for quite a long period of time and it's something that he's tried on other occasions (but the exes held of the boat). He told the ex he cheated on his girlfriend with that he and that girlfriend had only been together for half a year and lied about still being with her. It's really unsettling how someone can lie so easily and can seem to believe his own lies sometimes. He makes me believe his lies even though I know better. Crazy stuff. He's just so convincing it's scary.

[Husband321]

Note, i happily allowed for some BPD's being really 'out there' : ) I maintain the easily attractive high- functioners are more likely to come with higher overall standards (simply due to their awareness of their wide male appeal). Outside of that premise, i've known of women you describe (but it's been an instant turn- off for me for a long while) so yes, i can see your point there. I guess that turn -off factor hasn't allowed me to recognise how bad it can get amongst many. Jeez... . 

What I have found is many men who catch their BPD gf cheating are dumbfounded by who they have been cheating with.

No matter how sexy or attractive she is, most often you hear of the girl cheating with someone far less attractive, much older, much younger etc.

The reason is their overall impulsiveness and need for attention. When they have that need, they act on it.  And most times they don't methodically wait, look around, date, and then find someone they really like to cheat with.

Logically speaking, in most cases time doesn't even allow for that if they are married or living together with someone. Many times it is just a craigslist hook up, tinder, etc. or anyone that shows them attention AT THE RIGHT time.

Timing is more important than who the person they cheat with. When the partner is painted white, they would never cheat.  When the partner is painted black they will typically go with anyone that shows them attention.

If the woman in question is "high functioning, very attractive, and very selective" she may not even be BPD.

[Forearmed]

I'll maintain my experience with high -functioners -esp those with solid partners. I have been in the type of circles where they are 24 carat BPD candidates... .and, sorry, those typically 'select' at a level. They are simply not considering e.g. a street cleaner / janitor / supermarket worker just because they are naturally impulsive.  

There are levels to anything in life and that will also apply to infidelity amongst BPDs.

[Husband321]

I'll maintain my experience with high -functioners -esp those with solid partners. I have been in the type of circles where they are 24 carat BPD candidates... .and, sorry, those typically 'select' at a level. They are simply not considering e.g. a street cleaner / janitor / supermarket worker just because they are naturally impulsive.  

There are levels to anything in life and that will also apply to infidelity amongst BPDs.

How would you know everything about their sexual lives?  often times cheating for them is "just sex" and they really don't care what the person does for work if they ever even find out.

[Forearmed]

How could you know everything to argue otherwise? ; ) I am stating what I have observed at high - functioning levels (where they aren't just running around with uncontrollable basic emotions and have targets that must meet certain standards... .then they're off, ).

I simply fundamentally disagree with your over -generalisation of 'all' BPD. They are all attention -seekers (or attention lovers) and can certainly flirt beyond the norm, but that doesn't automatically mean they'll all jump into bed with anyone. Sorry.

[Gunit1]

hi Gunit1,

ive followed your story, and i want to offer a couple pieces of advice:

1. remember, you posted the other day asking about whether reading about BPD is counter productive? i think it will help to focus in terms of your relationship, and the dynamics that played out for you. asking about/applying these generalizations is not going to help you break down or sort out what happened. it is really akin to asking the same question about blondes, brunettes, or redheads, or... .

2. it will help to engage the thoughts and questions members have chimed in with. reflect. break it down.

3. affairs have complex dynamics and are rarely built to last. they tend to have very similar dynamics in common whether BPD is involved or not. the foundation of affairs tends to be built on escapism and/or fantasy, and both parties are rarely on the same page in terms of how the relationship is playing out. importantly, what breaks most of them down is that both parties begin to have doubts and to lose trust in the other. i think it will take you far to focus your reading and questions on this subject.

i hear that you loved this woman, and really wanted it to work, put a great deal of effort in, and ultimately it did not play out. at the heart of your question, are you wondering why the other guy and not you?

I was thinking this at first but not now. She already had a long term bf and this was her 3rd affair at the same time. She chose to leave for this one probably for few reasons but because it was so close to home with both us working in same area she couldn't hide both and prob thought now have to leave for this one or will get messy. When things got ugly and knew she was lying she was worried I'd out her to her long term bf who I'm sure she would like to keep as back up option but yes I did speak to him and find out truth and so did he through me so I blew that chance for her.

[once removed]

longtime no see Gunit1!

so how are things going for you?