My girlfriend left me for her ex after 6 months - update

[whiteknight4152]

So update,

 I emailed her a positive message earlier sending her some good vibes and wishing her luck for finals week.I also told her that i pray for her health and success every night. I also stated that life is too short and unpredictable so i just wanted to tell her that i love her.  I hope this lets her know that i still care for her and no matter her actions, I forgive her. If she ever gets to the point where she wants to talk to me again or reconnect, hopefully this email will have made her more inclined to do so.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[whiteknight4152]

I just found out that she was already talking to her ex before we had broken up.

I can’t believe she cheated on me. I find this out the day after I sent her the positive message over email. Here I am telling her how great she is in this message, when she cheated on me before we had broken up. Then continued to string me along for weeks after.

I don’t know what to feel. I’m so hurt and disgusted. Yet part of me still longs for her. Cheating was always one thing that neither of us could fathom. Yet, she has done it to me. I don’t know what to think anymore.

[Radcliff]

whiteknight,

I'm sorry for the rough news.  All of your feelings are completely natural.  It can be especially unsettling to have a swirl of many emotions going on at once.  Just observe those emotions to yourself.  It's OK to experience them.  Your feelings and thoughts will evolve over time.  You may feel better, then take a step back, then start to feel better again.  She knows you care for her.  Now keep caring for yourself.

How are you doing with the anxiety?

WW

[whiteknight4152]

whiteknight,

I'm sorry for the rough news.  All of your feelings are completely natural.  It can be especially unsettling to have a swirl of many emotions going on at once.  Just observe those emotions to yourself.  It's OK to experience them.  Your feelings and thoughts will evolve over time.  You may feel better, then take a step back, then start to feel better again.  She knows you care for her.  Now keep caring for yourself.

How are you doing with the anxiety?

WW

I just don't understand. so were her original reasons for breaking up with me a lie? Because i found out due to social media that they were together before we broke up. Why did she lie to me and not give me the truth? then painted me out to be the bad guy. I wonder if my email sparked anything inside her. I hope that one day she comes back to me to reconcile even after everything she has done. I honestly still think that i was her fairytale of a guy and everything she ever wanted in a partner, and she was scared that i would get tired of her (because of her moods and BPD) so in her head, before i could leave her, she had to self destruct and leave me, then go back to what she knew was familiar and comfortable (the ex). still working through anxiety and depression. Trying to reconnect with friends more and do more things socially, it's just tough cause she's racing through my mind non-stop. I'm having trouble finding interest in things i used to love. It makes me scared for future relationships. I've never been one to be in a relationship unless i saw a future with that person. so when i invest myself in someone, i give my everything to them. how am i supposed to trust anyone after this? we were both convinced that we were going to be together forever, loved each other deeply, and i find out she's reconnecting with her toxic ex before we breakup probably because of the "fairytale" scenario. I don't want to go through this pain and turmoil again, it has drained everything from me. Yet, i still have enough energy in my body to long for her.

[whiteknight4152]

So update,

 I emailed her a positive message earlier sending her some good vibes and wishing her luck for finals week.I also told her that i pray for her health and success every night. I also stated that life is too short and unpredictable so i just wanted to tell her that i love her.  I hope this lets her know that i still care for her and no matter her actions, I forgive her. If she ever gets to the point where she wants to talk to me again or reconnect, hopefully this email will have made her more inclined to do so.

UPDATE:

I received an email response from her this morning. All she said was "Good luck on finals. and thanks." I emailed her monday and she replied this friday morning. Where do I go from here? I knew she had to see the email on monday. Does it mean anything that she decided to message back after 5 days?

[Radcliff]

UPDATE:

I received an email response from her this morning. All she said was "Good luck on finals. and thanks." I emailed her monday and she replied this friday morning. Where do I go from here? I knew she had to see the email on monday. Does it mean anything that she decided to message back after 5 days?

I'm no expert, but I'd read this as her acting to cool things down and not encourage you, yet giving you respect and courtesy.  It beats being ignored!  Remember, the one who's being chased in a relationship has the power.  You probably want to wait at least double that interval, two weeks, before e-mailing her (I just made time interval up, there's nothing precise about it).

Yes, it is very frustrating and sad when we feel like we have everything our pwBPD needs, yet it seems that they can't see it!

I know you are still hoping to reconnect with her, but there is a ton of good information that I think might help you on this bpdfamily page on coping with a breakup.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

I'm no expert, but I'd read this as her acting to cool things down and not encourage you, yet giving you respect and courtesy.  It beats being ignored!  Remember, the one who's being chased in a relationship has the power.  You probably want to wait at least double that interval, two weeks, before e-mailing her (I just made time interval up, there's nothing precise about it).

Yes, it is very frustrating and sad when we feel like we have everything our pwBPD needs, yet it seems that they can't see it!

I know you are still hoping to reconnect with her, but there is a ton of good information that I think might help you on this bpdfamily page on coping with a breakup.

WW

Where do I go from heRe? I don’t want to leave off like this... so if I wait two weeks to respond, what do I say? I’ll read up on that...

[ML211]

Hey White Knight, read through your post.  I just wanted to offer you some encouragement. 

About 7 months ago, my UexBPDgf broke up with me out of the blue.  We had been together for a year, and moved in together for the last 3 months of the relationship.  To make matters worse, I was about 2 weeks away from proposing (had the ring, met the family, etc... .) and she also had a daughter from a previous marriage that started taking to me like a father figure... .so needless to say, I was crushed.  2 weeks later she was back to online dating (how we actually met in the first place) and had a new BF within a week after that.

Only months later after talking with a therapist to get help getting better from the breakup, did I learn about BPD... .and everything was so spot on.

I say all this because I too had a lot of the same feelings you are describing when all of this finally came to light.  I was so distraught when she started dating someone new, and how she completely painted me "black" as if she basically was describing me as though I was the worse BF in the world to her, and completely messed with my reputation among our mutual friends, I honestly didn't know how to cope.

For several months, she was all I could think about, how she was with a new guy, and how much I was just hoping for the day she'd flip on him and see me again as the "white" BF of old and leave him to be back with me... .but then, one day, I just realized, I didn't want to be someone's 2nd option or their recycled goods.

I know right now that you might be hoping to one day get her back, but encourage you to really take this time to take a moment to really think about things and find that you really are worth more than this girl and deserve better.  I know it's easy for me, a complete stranger, to say, but honestly, it will get better man, I promise.  Being cheated on is difficult enough, but on top of everything else, I can only empathize with how you must feel.

At the end of the day, the one thing that helped me the most was when I finally realized that no relationship worth its value should ever cause you to endure so much heartbreak and pain.  You're young, and you'll bounce back.  I too suffer from bad anxiety, and was a mess for several months, but honestly, now, I am so much stronger of a person from having pulled myself back up from such a horrible breakup, that even things that used to make me anxious for no reason, now don't bother me as much anymore.  I just encourage you to use this time to refocus and reflect on who you are and what you have to give to this world, and take this situation as a blessing in disguise... .as when you find the right person who values you the right way, you might actually be able to take a moment and smile... .knowing that you're better off without her... .and how glad you are that you're not the poor guy she went back to, who has no idea what he just got himself back into. 

[Radcliff]

Where do I go from heRe? I don’t want to leave off like this... so if I wait two weeks to respond, what do I say? I’ll read up on that...

You don't have to go exactly by what I said -- the main point is just not to make her feel you are chasing her.

The truth is that you can only control half of this equation -- you.  You can be kind to her and signal that you are still open to seeing her.  But she is going to do what she is going to do.  Things depend on the state of her relationship with her ex, and how she feels inside.  Don't burden yourself with thinking that if you were brilliant enough you could save things singlehandedly.

What do you say?  That's up to you.  Don't talk about anything that puts pressure on her, and don't ask any questions.  Observe something positive.  "Hi, hope you are well, it was a sunny day today and it made me think of the time we did XYZ.  Take care!"  Something like that, perhaps.  I am absolutely not a pro at this, so think about it and I bet you could come up with some even better ideas.

WW

[Skip]

Where do I go from heRe? I don’t want to leave off like this... so if I wait two weeks to respond, what do I say? I’ll read up on that...

We certainly don't know what is going on in her mind, but this is what it all sounds like... .

When you met her, she was recovering from a breakup that really hurt her. When a 20-something says they think they are going to be single for life, that means their heart is deepy wounded and closed down.

You, however, broke through that. However, she had not fully grieved her loss. So while it was unlimited love on your side, she was dealing with two things - the positive side of what you two were doing and the deep hurt that still haunted her soul and that she handn't grieved . You gave her a chance to bob above the water line of the hurt... .but it was still there.

For whatever reason, she and her ex talked again and decided to give it another shot. As I said, she was not completely over him and there is a lot of history there... .This is the dark side to romance... .this stuff happens all the time.

Most likely all the negative stuff you heard about you was not about you at all. It was her struggling to deal with betraying you. She didn't know how to tell you, how to handle it. The feeling unsafe most likely is about her not wanting you to cross paths with her ex. You don't know what she has said to him - she may have said she wasn't dating as part of her effort to open the door backs up.  You are collateral damage to the primary story of her breaking up, being wounded, and the two of them uniting.

I'm sure this is hard to hear. It will however help you process this thing and make sense of what has happened... .and guide your follow-up moves.

So, to go to your question... .

Where do I go from heRe?

Two things. One, she is back in a relationship with the other guy. Two, despite all the harsh things she said, her email indicates that she respect you and realizes you got the raw end of the deal and she knows that you are a good guy.

You really only have one good choice. Back off with dignity and grace (be the best man you can be) and play the long game (as they say in golf).

Why is the long game? Well, whatever blew up their relationship before has a better than 50% chance to blow it up again. How long? Hard to say, but more like 60-180 days than a week. Trying to reconnect the relationship before things go bad with them is destructive. It has to play out with them.

What is the long game? Make yourself the best you can be. Do things to make yourself strong and attractive.  Attractive to her, should be decide after dealing with this guy that you are the better man. Attractive to others, should be decide you waited long enough (or you feel she is not that type of person you want).

What do I say to here? Lightly keep the lines of communication open. She responded to this last email in 5 days. That's a clear signal to not flood her email box with more of the same. She got the message that despite what went down, you still love her. Don't say it again. It's done. Delivered. The worst thing you can do is "over-pursue" her.

I'd do as Wentworth suggests. Wait two weeks and said her something "light/whimsical". Something that will remind her of what she likes about you but doesn't pressure her or seem weak/needy/doormat-ish.

Any ideas?

[whiteknight4152]

I know right now that you might be hoping to one day get her back, but encourage you to really take this time to take a moment to really think about things and find that you really are worth more than this girl and deserve better.  I know it's easy for me, a complete stranger, to say, but honestly, it will get better man, I promise.  Being cheated on is difficult enough, but on top of everything else, I can only empathize with how you must feel.

At the end of the day, the one thing that helped me the most was when I finally realized that no relationship worth its value should ever cause you to endure so much heartbreak and pain.  You're young, and you'll bounce back.  I too suffer from bad anxiety, and was a mess for several months, but honestly, now, I am so much stronger of a person from having pulled myself back up from such a horrible breakup, that even things that used to make me anxious for no reason, now don't bother me as much anymore.  I just encourage you to use this time to refocus and reflect on who you are and what you have to give to this world, and take this situation as a blessing in disguise... .as when you find the right person who values you the right way, you might actually be able to take a moment and smile... .knowing that you're better off without her... .and how glad you are that you're not the poor guy she went back to, who has no idea what he just got himself back into. 

Thanks so much man. This post just made my day a little better. It's nice to know i'm not alone in all of this. I actually have made an appointment to speak to a therapist as well. It hurts me to think that i've been knocked down so low, i'm having to resort to medication and therapy. I've never had this much pain from a breakup. It feels great knowing this community has my back.

[whiteknight4152]

We certainly don't know what is going on in her mind, but this is what it all sounds like... .

Thank you so much for this great insight. All of my friends and family are pretty much tired of hearing me grieve over this as it has been nearly 2 months. Everyone thinks i'm insane for entertaining the thought of wanting to be back with her. It hurts me that everything went down the way it did, when we loved each other so much. However, i lost myself and my identity in the process. I'm currently a broken man, and am in no position to love someone as of right now. I have to work on myself for my sake. I've never been one to get hurt by relationships or women, but this has left me in pieces. I'm most definitely willing to play the long game. Maybe in two weeks after schools out i can send her a message like "hey hope finals went well... .etc" or send something light like a memory we both shared together?

[Skip]

Thank you so much for this great insight. All of my friends and family are pretty much tired of hearing me grieve over this as it has been nearly 2 months. Everyone thinks i'm insane for entertaining the thought of wanting to be back with her. It hurts me that everything went down the way it did, when we loved each other so much. However, i lost myself and my identity in the process. I'm currently a broken man, and am in no position to love someone as of right now. I have to work on myself for my sake. I've never been one to get hurt by relationships or women, but this has left me in pieces. I'm most definitely willing to play the long game. Maybe in two weeks after schools out i can send her a message like "hey hope finals went well... .etc" or send something light like a memory we both shared together?

Run your draft by the members here when the time comes. You have be subtle - its not about reselling the relationship memories, that won't help, its about being attractive.

You need to rebuild yourself. That's a given. Work here with everyone else who is doing it.

[Radcliff]

whiteknight,

You are on the right track.  Skip had a good idea to run a draft by members here.  I think your thought of saying you hoped she had good finals and perhaps wishing her a good summer are spot on.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

Run your draft by the members here when the time comes. You have be subtle - its not about reselling the relationship memories, that won't help, its about being attractive.

You need to rebuild yourself. That's a given. Work here with everyone else who is doing it.

I definitely will. I agree I shouldn't try to resell the relationship. I'll just have to figure out a message that is attractive... .Do you have any ideas on how to get me started with that? I don't want to write something that is just a memory of the relationship since she's with the ex and will most likely shut it down. But something that gets her attention and is lighthearted...

[whiteknight4152]

I am met with another crossroads. My BPDex has a growing food business page on facebook. I helped her with this aspect as we loved cooking, posting, and taking food photography together. this is the only page where she hasn't blocked me. Today, she made a post announcing her first food tutorial video with a link attached. I am so proud of her as this was the vision for her business all along. I want to share the post because i'm beyond proud of her. Should i share the post, or will she be angry and resentful that i did so?  Any help is appreciated!

[Radcliff]

whitenight,

I'm sorry to be slow here!  Sharing her post sounds like a pretty safe thing to do.  I'm curious about what other members might think.  If you think it would feel validating and supportive to her, that could be a good thing to do.

W.r.t. a lighthearted message, maybe her progress with her food business might be something to mention in a short message of encouragement.

Keep us posted!

WW

[whiteknight4152]

whitenight,

I'm sorry to be slow here!  Sharing her post sounds like a pretty safe thing to do.  I'm curious about what other members might think.  If you think it would feel validating and supportive to her, that could be a good thing to do.

W.r.t. a lighthearted message, maybe her progress with her food business might be something to mention in a short message of encouragement.

Keep us posted!

WW

No worries Wentworth, I’m just so grateful for your support. So I shared the post and she didn’t block me (that was my worry). Next week would mark 2 weeks since she responded to my email, which would also mean finals would be finished. I was thinking about saying something like, “ hey——-! Hope you did well on your finals. Was just thinking about you and wanted to send some good vibes your way!”

Would it be a good idea to mention how proud I am for her progress with the busiensss? Or is that too much? I want to be sweet and subtle, but not too pushy. Also, is it a good idea to message at all? I want to so badly, but I don’t want to become an annoyance since she’s still with the ex. I want to play the long game. I mean I don’t think one message will ruin it, since she previously acknowledged my email. I just don’t wanna ruin my chances is all.

[once removed]

hm. one option would be to leave it at having shared her post, then wait a couple/few weeks before anything else.

a followup message though, would still be fairly safe, but id keep it short, one or two sentences like youve laid out. maybe drop the line about the finals, replace it with the congrats on her business.

i wouldnt use words like "proud" (im really picky, and id keep emotional investment out of it), but more of a "congratulations" kind of thing, and sending the good vibes her way.

[whiteknight4152]

Something just clicked this evening. Initially when we broke up, she told me that she’d probably go back to someone who treats her like sh**. Because that’s what she deserves and that whatever happens to her, just now she deserves it. Then I talked her down, and made her promise if anything happened between us organically down the road, she wouldn’t force it away, and she promised. Now that I know she was talking to the ex before we broke up, it makes sense. It’s almost like she knows what’s going to happen because of how he treated her before, and she realized she was making a bad call, but had to go back because maybe something changed with him and it could be different. So In the back of her mind, even she knows this will probably be short-lived since she told me that.

[Radcliff]

Your theory about what's going on in her head is possible, though as you know you're best energy is spent on things you know and control.

Your message idea, with once removed's comments, sounds good.  I agree with once removed that "proud" can be a loaded term, since it could imply a superior relationship, or at least an equal relationship with a strong bond of trust.  She may not want to be vulnerable enough to openly grant you that "power."  You can say your excited to see the business progress or something like that.

I agree with you, I don't think one message is going to kill it.  Send a note at the two week mark as you planned, and then see what happens.  If she responds, then perhaps you try another one in two weeks.  If she doesn't respond, you wait three weeks for the next one.  Eventually you may hit an interval that she is responsive to, which safely keeps you on her mind, without her feeling like you are pursuing.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

Your theory about what's going on in her head is possible, though as you know you're best energy is spent on things you know and control.

Your message idea, with once removed's comments, sounds good.  I agree with once removed that "proud" can be a loaded term, since it could imply a superior relationship, or at least an equal relationship with a strong bond of trust.  She may not want to be vulnerable enough to openly grant you that "power."  You can say your excited to see the business progress or something like that.

WW

Since the last thing she said was good luck on finals, i still want to touch on that. How about, "Hey _____! Hope you did well on your finals. I'm excited to see the progress of _______.  Was just thinking about you and wanted to send some good vibes your way."

How does that sound? yeah i hope one message doesn't ruin things. I keep re-reading Skip's post about playing the long game. My goal is to not try to reconnect the relationship before things go bad with her and the ex. I want that to play out, but also keep the line of communication open between us. If that makes sense?

[Radcliff]

Since the last thing she said was good luck on finals, i still want to touch on that. How about, "Hey _____! Hope you did well on your finals. I'm excited to see the progress of _______.  Was just thinking about you and wanted to send some good vibes your way."

Good message 

How does that sound? yeah i hope one message doesn't ruin things. I keep re-reading Skip's post about playing the long game. My goal is to not try to reconnect the relationship before things go bad with her and the ex. I want that to play out, but also keep the line of communication open between us. If that makes sense?

Good plan 

[whiteknight4152]

Good message 

Good plan 

UPDATE
So I email her yesterday and she just replied, “That’s very kind. I appreciate that.” Where do I go from here?

[Radcliff]

UPDATE
So I email her yesterday and she just replied, “That’s very kind. I appreciate that.” Where do I go from here?

That's great!  What was the interval you used between your messages?  About two weeks?  Her quick reply means that the interval didn't make her feel crowded.  If she was single and your interval was 14 days, I might say pull it in a couple of days next time.  But since you're just trying to keep yourself on her mind until something blows up with the current guy, you might want to maintain that interval.  In a couple of weeks, you could e-mail her something that lets her know you're thinking about her.  You heard a song on the radio she likes and was wondering how her summer is going, etc.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

That's great!  What was the interval you used between your messages?  About two weeks?  Her quick reply means that the interval didn't make her feel crowded.  If she was single and your interval was 14 days, I might say pull it in a couple of days next time.  But since you're just trying to keep yourself on her mind until something blows up with the current guy, you might want to maintain that interval.  In a couple of weeks, you could e-mail her something that lets her know you're thinking about her.  You heard a song on the radio she likes and was wondering how her summer is going, etc.

WW

Awesome, should I take this as a good sign? I mean the last time I had seen her she split me black and was tearing me down, but now she’s responding telling me I’m very kind and she appreciates my message to her. I know I’m putting a lot of emphasis on just a short message, but I was honestly expecting either no response or a bad one. Now that she’s responded like this within a day, it feels like she’s seeing me as white again maybe? Yes, so I waited 2 weeks last time, and messaged yesterday, and she responded today.

[once removed]

i would go a bit more under the radar over time, or at least be less direct.

two week reach outs, or one week, or three, wont get you very far, i dont think, and she may start to see through them. mentally, it may keep you just counting the days. if youre going to reach out, it makes sense to me to go with something more meaningful and poignant, and im not sure thats even necessarily the best strategy in this case. dont be too available.

youre social media friends, right?

if thats the case, 'liking' her statuses/posts will accomplish pretty much the same thing.

in the mean time, id get busy living my best life, and i would post about it, not so much to win her back, but in terms of thinking of "living my best life" as a sort of project. the catch is that doing so is attractive. it also keeps you on her radar. and id take small opportunities like liking her posts, or commenting if i have something cute or clever to say. if shes especially responsive, or if she initiates, you have a whole lot more to work with, and at that point reaching out every few weeks becomes a lot more effective.

[whiteknight4152]

So she hadn’t posted on her business page in a week until this afternoon. (She never goes without more than 2-3 days). I Was at work with a friend and she posted a picture of a meal on her page that we had made together. She stated that she was sorry to everyone who follows her for her absense, but a lot of changes have came into her life causing her to not be able to post. Seeing it was a pic of a dish we mad  together, I wanted to like it. My friend however said, her boyfriend might see it (already liked the post) and would take it out on her that I was still liking her things, and in return that would go poorly in my favor... I went ahead and did it, not seeing any harm especially since it was something we made together. I’ve put all my accounts on public so she can see (if she wanted to) everything I post. Her not posting on her business account is not like her, so I’m concerned for her. Liking the pic acknowledges that we made that together and hopefully this causes her to initiate contact before the 2 weeks in which I had planned on emailing her again. Her stating on her page that “a lot of changes are going on in her life” makes me feel like she’s down. I want to email her a something that made me think of her that would surely lift her spirits BEFORE the 2 weeks if she’s at a low point, but wanted to ask here first.  Thoughts?

[Radcliff]

My first thought is that the potential downsides of e-mailing her sooner than two weeks is bigger than the potential upside.  Not only do you want to avoid pursuing her, trying to soothe her when she is down is kind of an intimate thing to do -- it's turning up the heat.  Mine is just one opinion; it'd be good to hear different perspectives from other members on this.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

My first thought is that the potential downsides of e-mailing her sooner than two weeks is bigger than the potential upside.  Not only do you want to avoid pursuing her, trying to soothe her when she is down is kind of an intimate thing to do -- it's turning up the heat.  Mine is just one opinion; it'd be good to hear different perspectives from other members on this.

WW

You’re right WW. Sometimes it’s just hard to resist when you can tell something is off. The next message I have for her though I think she’d like and could be a conversation starter instead of a generic “thinking of you just wanted to send good vibes message.” So looking forward to that. Doing a lot of cool stuff on my social media accounthis as well (in the back of my head I know she’d like). But for myself. Almost like a daily log making sure I keep up with myself and stay improving!

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you are on a good track 

A conversation starter seems like a worthwhile thing to attempt.  Good idea.  Also good that you're still working on yourself.  I was running today (a new development) and thinking that the working on yourself thing really does work.

WW

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[whiteknight4152]

It sounds like you are on a good track 

A conversation starter seems like a worthwhile thing to attempt.  Good idea.  Also good that you're still working on yourself.  I was running today (a new development) and thinking that the working on yourself thing really does work.

WW

UPDATE
That's great to hear WW! The gym or any sort of physical activity seems to help me out.

So this morning she emailed me saying, Happy mothers day to one of the best mothers i've ever met. Hope she truly has a wonderful day." (directed towards my mother)
But, i'm taking this as a good sign because she wouldn't just email me to say HMD to my mom.
What should i say in response? i was thinking, "Mom says thank you. Happy mothers day to yours as well, she brought an amazing woman into this world."  Let me know your thoughts!

[once removed]

it is a good sign. its thoughtful, and it opens the door for more, potentially.

id just scratch the amazing woman part; its a bit personal. if you want to say more id keep it about her mom.

[whiteknight4152]

it is a good sign. its thoughtful, and it opens the door for more, potentially.

id just scratch the amazing woman part; its a bit personal. if you want to say more id keep it about her mom.

I sent it, and she replied immediately, “thank you! (Crying emoji). I hope your mother doesn’t hate me. Still tears me up every time I use her bowls.” (A gift my mother gave her)

[once removed]

personally, id leave it there (it doesnt require a response), and id avoid soothing her (ie "no my mom doesnt hate you".

i suspect that either the next move will be hers, or you will have more room to operate, and more effect with your own next move.

things are on her mind... .let her marinate in them a bit.

[whiteknight4152]

I sent it, and she replied immediately, “thank you! (Crying emoji). I hope your mother doesn’t hate me. Still tears me up every time I use her bowls.” (A gift my mother gave her)

So we had a pretty steady conversation through the day, about 18 messages. I ended it with, “well I’ve gotta go prep meals and get the gym before it’s too late. I’ll talk to you later. I hope you have a good day”

Was this a good idea? It Felt so good talking to her, I just don’t want to overcrowd her. When would be a good time to message her again?

[whiteknight4152]

So we had a pretty steady conversation through the day, about 18 messages. I ended it with, “well I’ve gotta go prep meals and get the gym before it’s too late. I’ll talk to you later. I hope you have a good day”

Was this a good idea? It Felt so good talking to her, I just don’t want to overcrowd her. When would be a good time to message her again?

Yesterday morning I messaged her “good morning,” and s by her a pic of a meal I prepped (she’s vegan and I have just made the decision to go vegan myself) and I said “just wanted to share this with you, I thought you’d appreciate it. I hope you have a great day”
She responded and said “good for you. That’s awesome.”
Now, we always texted blunt like this. So it’s not uncommon. However, it wasn’t how she was messaging me the day before. I haven’t messaged her back yet. My friend at work told me to let her message me back. Is this a good sign communication is open? Should I not message back AT ALL until she does? Or wait a week if she doesn’t message?

[once removed]

However, it wasn’t how she was messaging me the day before.

i think thats expecting too much. dialing it back would help. this is a very different kind of relationship, and its going to take some adjusting.

no, i would not follow up. id hold off for a while.

[whiteknight4152]

i think thats expecting too much. dialing it back would help. this is a very different kind of relationship, and its going to take some adjusting.

no, i would not follow up. id hold off for a while.

Okay I’ll hold off. Do things sound like they are heading in a good direction?

[once removed]

good direction?

there is room to work with, she is responsive, has initiated at least once, and things have gone well.

but remember the big picture, and the long game. id put that above the day to day or week to week stuff. the relationship shes in still has to play out, and her attention and her emotions are all going to be in that barrel. you want to gently stay on her radar for when and if that goes south, without letting it overwhelm you, or her, or trying to push too much. focus on being the most attractive version of yourself, in general, and to yourself, not just for her.

what are you doing in that regard?

[Radcliff]

whiteknight, good work!    I think once removed's advice is spot on.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

whiteknight, good work!    I think once removed's advice is spot on.

WW

Seriously thank you guys for being my support system. I can’t say it enough.  once removed's Statement about the long game really put me back on track. The goal was to open communication between us again, but wait for the relationship with the ex to run its course first. I have achieved that, even to the extent of her initiating conversation first! It felt so good talking to her with all those messages that day, I just wanted to talk to her more, but I don’t want to overcrowd her while she’s still with the ex. So I’ll hold off for at least a week before I send a message to her response (unless she messages first). I’m working on making myself the most attractive person I can be in all senses. She is a vegan. When I was with her, I ate vegan when I was with her, but when I was home I wasn’t. Being vegan long term was a big deal to her. I have recently become vegan for myself, my health, and my environment; not because it would make me attractive to her, I did it for myself. To make myself the best version of myself I can be. I know me telling her I was vegan now by my own choice had to appear attractive to her. I think I’m doing everything right with the help of you all. Being vegan and working myself the hardest I’ve ever done in the gym, has already transformed my appearance in such a healthy way. Sending her a picture of the food I made also showed that as we cooked EVERYTHING together and for her business page, because that’s what we loved doing. I think I’m planting all the right seeds in this situation. It’s just difficult not responding to her when all I want to do is talk to her.

[once removed]

It’s just difficult not responding to her when all I want to do is talk to her.

some of what im going to say may seem counterintuitive.

what is going to be most attractive to her is that you respect yourself.

I can’t believe she cheated on me. I find this out the day after I sent her the positive message over email. Here I am telling her how great she is in this message, when she cheated on me before we had broken up. Then continued to string me along for weeks after.

whiteknight4152, i am not telling you to hold a grudge or let resentment guide you. this wont work out if you do; if you got back together tomorrow, there would probably be a reasonable fear of her doing it again, or getting cold feet and leaving. im afraid at this point that that fear would guide you, and i dont think it would end well for you.

when someone hurts us like that (she lashed out and blamed you for it too), and we respond by telling them they are great and amazing, and making ourselves too available, it sends the message that they are welcome to do it again; that we dont respect ourselves. this is why i suggest dropping lines about her being an amazing woman, or soothing her concerns about your mom hating her, or showing her how youre the guy she wants you to be, or being too available for deep conversations. if you let your life revolve around the next conversation or opportunity to prove yourself, it will drive you crazy, and it probably wont work.

having said that, i understand that you want her back (which is why i dont suggest dwelling on the bad stuff she did, but neither do i suggest sweeping it under the rug) and the line to walk when someone has disrespected you, and you want them back at the same time, is a tricky one to walk. we can help you do that.

strength and self respect in these circumstances looks something like: "i understand that she hadnt fully grieved her previous relationship, felt conflicted, and had to let me go in order to explore and resolve it. it happens. i love her, and im willing to give things another go (a few of the steps ive taken may be required in order to communicate that) under new and different circumstances (i certainly will not indicate that what she did was okay), but im a good, strong guy, with a lot going for him, and a lot to offer someone else, and my life will go on with or without her." and above all, living it.

that attitude, and the actions behind it, more than any single communication, is whats going to be attractive to her.

[whiteknight4152]

the line to walk when someone has disrespected you, and you want them back at the same time, is a tricky one to walk. we can help you do that.



that attitude, and the actions behind it, more than any single communication, is whats going to be attractive to her.

You’re absolutely right. It is a tricky line, and I will take all the help and advice you all give me. It’s just hard to resist the temptation of messaging her. Whenever I want to respond, I just come here. How long should I wait to respond to her?

[Radcliff]

I like what once removed is saying here.  I'm hearing that a potential restart is a chance to do it on a different footing, with you demonstrating self respect and showing her how to treat you.  It will be very difficult for you to behave differently than before, especially if you fall into each other again and get close.  And if you do stick to self respect, eventually she may not be happy with that.  But regardless, you are setting a better course for yourself in a potential relationship with her or in a future relationship.  I wish I'd heard once removed's advice when I was your age!

WW

[once removed]

How long should I wait to respond to her?

im encouraging you to think beyond this mindset. its the short game, and it will drive you crazy chasing the high of the next contact and reading into it.

youve gotta see her perspective a little bit and read her. shes not thinking day to day or week to week. she has a different mindset. youll need to see that in order to work with it.

things are in a pretty decent place (for where youre trying to go with it) right now. she knows you dont hate her. she has even initiated contact (that was a good sign). youre both on good terms. the lines are open.

its hard to take it much further. at the same time, if you want her back, youll have to stay on her radar a little, but not too much. you dont want her to have the attitude that she can have you back any time. frankly, you only want to be on her mind sporadically and periodically; it will have more impact.

and i think in general, you dont want to be too much of a friend, or part of her support system.

i would expect communication to dwindle at this point. she felt bad about what she did, and i suspect that drove her to reach out. she had a nice conversation with you, caught up, and she feels soothed and can put it out of her mind.

i would expect you to panic a bit and for the urge to contact her to increase as that happens. let it happen. its all the short game. any single communication right now is going to be pretty inconsequential. ive been there, with that overwhelming urge, many times. i finally learned to let it happen. it passes. the world doesnt end. and then i emerge from it stronger, and far clearer on what to do. we can walk you through that, it wont be easy.

anyway, i dont mean to dismiss your question.

things are going to work best if she initiates most of the conversations. when she does, you want to let her lead, play it cool, and be a bit reserved (i do not mean give her the cold shoulder, i mean your life doesnt stop because she reaches out).

i would give it a solid two weeks before i did anything at all. post what youre up to on social media in the mean time. if she contacts you in that time, its great, and you can work it a little bit, use some attraction tricks. but if she doesnt, it wouldnt really mean anything. if at the end of that two weeks youve not heard from her, i would do something really small. something that is the equivalent of a wave hello. see how she responds. if shes responsive or pushes for more, great. give it back about 50%. if shes not (and she may not be), again, it may not feel good, but its not a big deal at all in terms of the long game. but at that point, you would want to dial back even further, because if you just "wave" at her every week or two, shes going to expect it, and see it for what it is.

[whiteknight4152]

UPDATE:

I just woke up to my phone dinging from a text. From a number I’ve never seen before. It reads, “I just want to say I’m so f***ing sorry. You were truly the best person I’ve ever met. Even talking now about you it’s always of utmost respect. Thank you for being such a blessing to so many people. And thank you for never giving up on me. I can’t take back how I do things so irrationally and quick. And I know there maybe times you may wish I’ll upon me or wish me to be unhappy. The truth is I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. It’s just the way it is. And to drag you down was not my intentions. I had to leave before I just made another person miserable. Please know I wish the BEST for you. I already know you’ll go far. I have always thought that. And please know I truly am sorry.”

This has to be her. I’m guessing she’s using one of those texting apps is why the number is so weird and out of area. The only reply I have made so far is asking who is this.  What should I say in response?

[once removed]

if you dont get a response to "who is this", say nothing.

if you do, and its her, be short, polite, a little detached, and dont argue or contradict anything she said; dont try to soothe her.

but do be gentle and warm.

i might use language, in no particular order, like "what a sweet message", "thank you for the kind words"... .youd need another line or two. got any?

[whiteknight4152]

i might use language, in no particular order, like "what a sweet message", "thank you for the kind words"... .youd need another line or two. got any?

I’m not sure at all what to say. She hasn’t responded to my message yet. I’m still confused with the wacky number. But the message has to be her, because it’s how she talks. I was hoping to get some guidance here. Would it be wrong to intertwine what you said here “i understand that she hadnt fully grieved her previous relationship, felt conflicted, and had to let me go in order to explore and resolve it. it happens. i love her, and im willing to give things another go“. Into my response? Or is that too soon? I just don’t want to give her the cold shoulder. I want to initiate more conversation  with her. I have no idea what to say to her though that’ll address what she’s said, but begs for more conversation afterwards.

[once removed]

I want to initiate more conversation  with her. I have no idea what to say to her though that’ll address what she’s said, but begs for more conversation afterwards.

try to check this urge. it will pay off. dont keep chasing the high. when she initiates conversation like this, give about 50%.

her communication is about two things:

1. letting you know youre a good guy and didnt deserve what she did
2. soothing her shame

you want to thank her for the first. she was vulnerable. she was kind. it probably took a lot for her to write it. treat it like you would a very sweet card. the called for response is the equivalent of a short thank you card.

you want her to do the second on her own.

you dont want to use those previous lines, because theyre very specific about her motives, none of which she really touched on or addressed in her latest message. they are two separate conversations.

and if she doesnt reply to "who is this", there is nothing further to say.

[whiteknight4152]

Okay... .I just don’t want to respond with something that’ll turn her away. But I’m not interested in chasing the high of you think it’s best for the long game. I can thank her for the message and the kind words, but I don’t know what else to say after that... .

[once removed]

maybe something like... .

"what a sweet message, her name. thank you for the kind words. they mean a great deal to me. at the end of the day, we are all people just trying to do our best. i wish you every fortune in life, too."

but DONT send this unless you get a response to "who is this"

[whiteknight4152]

maybe something like... .

"what a sweet message, her name. thank you for the kind words. they mean a great deal to me. at the end of the day, we are all people just trying to do our best. i wish you every fortune in life, too."

but DONT send this unless you get a response to "who is this"

I won’t. You don’t think a statement like that would close thedoor between us? I’m all for not being too soothing and acting on the high of talking to her. I just don’t want to write something that seems to bring an end between us

[once removed]

I just don’t want to write something that seems to bring an end between us

whiteknight, shes in a relationship. youve got to let that play out.

youre approaching this as if each communication is a chance to reestablish the romantic connection and get back together. shes in a different place. even if she werent, it would probably play out disastrously.

each communication is pretty inconsequential. you just want things in a place where the doors are open, and both parties are occasionally cracking that door a little. its not going to feel at all rewarding, but right now, it is what youve got going for you.

[whiteknight4152]

whiteknight, shes in a relationship. youve got to let that play out.

youre approaching this as if each communication is a chance to reestablish the romantic connection and get back together. shes in a different place. even if she werent, it would probably play out disastrously.

each communication is pretty inconsequential. you just want things in a place where the doors are open, and both parties are occasionally cracking that door a little. its not going to feel at all rewarding, but right now, it is what youve got going for you.

She replied. It’s her. I wrote a message similar to that of what you advised me to. She replied you always accepted me for who I am through good and bad. She also said, “You deserved better. And you’ll find it. More so it’ll find you. Best person I know.”

[Radcliff]

She replied. It’s her. I wrote a message similar to that of what you advised me to. She replied you always accepted me for who I am through good and bad. She also said, “You deserved better. And you’ll find it. More so it’ll find you. Best person I know.”

Except for implying that she does't deserve something good, the part about you is a nice sentiment.  You may need to leave it there for a while.

Can you remind us if she is in therapy?  Are you in therapy?

Take a look at this page on what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD.  We have to become the emotional caretakers of our pwBPD.  This is a risky endeavor, especially if we are on shaky emotional ground ourselves.  We're here to support you whatever course you take, but want to make sure you're doing it with eyes wide open.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

Except for implying that she does't deserve something good, the part about you is a nice sentiment.  You may need to leave it there for a while.

Can you remind us if she is in therapy?  Are you in therapy?

I’m starting therapy next week, to my knowledge she is not.
I replied to her, “Just because you weren't able to give your all to me at the time, does not mean I didn't find what I was looking for. I know what I deserve. I know what you deserve. It's found me, and if fate has it, it will come back to me.“

She replied, “I feel like i tried. Like I truly did. But then I realized it was nothing compared to what you gave me.”

I replied, “A  relationship is not always going to be 50/50. Some days  it may be 80/20. It's a partnership. It's not a competition of who deserves more out of the relationship. At the time, you had so much on your plate. On top of grieving a past relationship.  The timing with everything going on in your life was incredibly hectic. I was confused about my direction. I had to go on my own spiritual journey alone, just like you; it had to be that way. What's meant to be will always find a way.”

She replied, “yeah (with a sad emoji)

We continued to catch up for a little bit, then she didn’t respond to my last text that night. I haven’t texted her back today. She doesn’t sound like she’s doing well and I don’t want to smother her. I asked her if she had her old number still and she said no. From the texts, she seems to realize what I’m saying rings true, what’s meant to be will be. I will be patient in this process, and wait for her next move.

[Radcliff]

Wow, you covered a lot of ground.  Yes, let it rest.

That's great that you are starting therapy!  Therapists vary widely in their approach.  What I wish I'd done with a therapist when I was your age was to look at myself, and also look at my relationship with my parents and their relationship with each other, to understand myself and better be able to pick when/if a romantic relationship was healthy and a good match to continue.  You really want to "go to school" on what a healthy relationship looks like.  Boundaries are key.  Have we given you links on that yet?  Also, I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I'd give a million dollars to have had John Gottman and Nan Silver's, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" when I was your age.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

Wow, you covered a lot of ground.  Yes, let it rest.

WW

Do you think I responded well? And hopefully what I said will marinate with her? I’m not taking her not responding as a bad sign. The progress I’ve made from having her split me completely black, to responding to my emails, to initiating the emails and conversation, to text messaging me and hearing me out, I’d say things are looking positive. I love her with all my heart. I can tell she’s not in a good place by her tone in text. . She doesn’t take care of herself when she’s emotional. I love her to death, but I’m not gonna sit here and soothe her while she comes to these realizations. Like I said, I found what I want, and I’ll be here when it comes back to me, but I’m not gonna have a pity party for her at this moment. I had to go through it without her soothing me. I know this sounds harsh, but I’m not gonna act like what she did was okay, and that she can do it again. I love her and forgive her for it, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. & I’ll be here when she’s ready.    I added the book to my amazon shopping list! Haha.
I’m not familiar with the links, anything will help, thank you!

[whiteknight4152]

So I checked the boyfriends page today and he switched his profile picture to one Not of them, and I also checked hers, and he isn’t in her photos and has taken him out of her bio. My guess is that they have broken up.  Should I just wait for her to make the next move?

[whiteknight4152]

Wow, you covered a lot of ground. 

WW

I texted her yesterday and sent her a couple pics of food I made, and told her to have a good day. She said you too. I caved and sent her a goodnight text. She didn’t respond. I know I shouldn’t have sent it. I’m supposed to be strong abs wait!

[whiteknight4152]

So today her sister tagged her boyfriend and also the ex boyfriend in a post saying they were getting lunch where her sister lives. I can tell my ex liked the pic because it shows a like but I can’t see who it is since I’m blocked still. I’m guessing she’s also tagged in the post, but just can’t see it cause I’m blocked. I don’t understand. I thought they were broken up by looking at their social media and her reaching out to me through text. Come to find out it looks like they took a road trip to see her sister. Also aNother weird thing happened yesterday. One of my ex’s best friends randomly messaged me a picture she thought I’d appreciate. Now, I only met her one time but she is one of her best friends and always thought I was good for her. It was so odd, I wanted to say “hope you’re looking out for _____!” But I had others tell me not to bring her up unless she did. So that was odd, she has never messaged me before. Anyways, Trying to stay positive and think of the long game. Things must be rocky if they are switching up their social media appearance and she’s reaching out to me. I’ll stay patient.

[Radcliff]

Back to basics, whiteknight.  Don't torture yourself wondering what she is up to.  A real rekindling will come through real communication, not indirect social media hints.  If it's not a direct message to you, ignore it.  Concentrate on your self care and confidence building, exercising, spending time with family and friends, making yourself a great partner for someone.  Don't worry about weekly fluctuations in her relationship status. 

WW

[whiteknight4152]

Back to basics, whiteknight.  Don't torture yourself wondering what she is up to.  A real rekindling will come through real communication, not indirect social media hints.  If it's not a direct message to you, ignore it.  Concentrate on your self care and confidence building, exercising, spending time with family and friends, making yourself a great partner for someone.  Don't worry about weekly fluctuations in her relationship status. 

WW

You’re right. It’s just tough being patient. What should be my game plan to stay on her radar? Wait at least 2 weeks and send a message? Or shorter?

[once removed]

What should be my game plan to stay on her radar? Wait at least 2 weeks and send a message? Or shorter?

we are going in circles a bit, whiteknight.

lose this mentality. it will drive you crazy. it will push her away.

relax on the food pictures or goodnight texts; full stop. theyre not helping. this situation has you fighting for crumbs and running with them.

her radar is her relationship. you cant and shouldnt compete with that.

Concentrate on your self care and confidence building, exercising, spending time with family and friends, making yourself a great partner for someone.

this is far more important than any single communication or when to have it. what are you doing in this regard?

[whiteknight4152]

we are going in circles a bit, whiteknight.

lose this mentality. it will drive you crazy. it will push her away.

relax on the food pictures or goodnight texts; full stop. theyre not helping. this situation has you fighting for crumbs and running with them.

her radar is her relationship. you cant and shouldnt compete with that.

this is far more important than any single communication or when to have it. what are you doing in this regard?

I apologize guys. It’s not that I’m ignoring your advice, it’s just a difficult road to take. I had my first meeting with my therapist today, and I mentioned you all and how beneficial the support and advice is. I’m currently working at my friends dad’s metal parts shop for the summer while school is out. I wake up at around 4am and go to the gym before work. I’m focusing on the gym and cooking at the moment which keeps my mind at bay for short periods of time. At work, it’s hard to keep the thoughts of her down. I know it isn’t beneficial for me to think about her constantly, I’m trying my best to not to. I know I shouldn’t be paying attention to her social media or his. I’m trying my best to post as much content to my platforms not to boast, but to keep track of my progress and spark daily motivations. I know, the goodnight text was a bad idea and I shouldn’t have done it! Also Still confused why her good friend would randomly message me in the midst of her getting back in contact with me. I’m trying not to put to much thought into it, and let things flow naturally. Hopefully, she comes to the conclusion to come back to me.

[whiteknight4152]

I’ve been cooking and working outside all day today. Going to get in the gym later tonight with my friend. Still, I find it so hard to not think of her. I haven’t texted her or contacted her at all since last Monday. I’m trying to hold out as long as I can, but every time I cook something I want to show her cause I know she’d appreciate it. The impulse to message her today has been very strong, but I haven’t yet, and came here instead.

[once removed]

The impulse to message her today has been very strong, but I haven’t yet, and came here instead.

a good move. personally, ive found that controlling impulses, big and small, becomes easier over time once we learn to practice.

so youve got a lot of good stuff on your plate. what about friends and family?

I had my first meeting with my therapist today

howd it go? what happened/whatd you talk about?

[whiteknight4152]

My friends and family are doing well. Doing everything they can to support me and my moods. I try my best to be a positive force everywhere I go, but I also have days where I can’t give off any energy. My therapist gave me a lot to work on. I told her about you all and the support and advice I get here. She made a goody analogy. She said, image you are on a horse with a lasso roaming 2 million acres chasing a wild horse. It’s gonna be tough with the horse running away. She then asked, why do you want to tame this wild horse? I told her, before I met her, I was a completely different person because I was holding out for that special person. I found her. She told me that I’m a helper, and that’s what I found in her. Yes she has her bad moods, but she is the kindest and most giving heart I’ve ever met. Helping each other grow while helping others is what made the relationship and our dynamic as a couple so intoxicating. She said okay well if this is the route you’re gonna take, you’ll have to put in the work and discipline. She said “I tell this to my sons as well as my patients, when a girl cheats on you, they have to be the ones to come back. Not you chasing them.” She said that she guarantees she tries to come back at least 5-6 times. She also said in the meantime between our next appointment, that I get more knowledge from here, as well as my BPD book I got when I was with her “walking on eggshells” and pertain the information not only to her, but to myself.

I wasn’t trying to sound like I wasn’t taking information in when I asked how long I should wait again to message her, but when I have a goal in my head, it’s easier for me to try and hold out that long messaging her.

[Shawnlam]

My friends and family are doing well. Doing everything they can to support me and my moods. I try my best to be a positive force everywhere I go, but I also have days where I can’t give off any energy. My therapist gave me a lot to work on. I told her about you all and the support and advice I get here. She made a goody analogy. She said, image you are on a horse with a lasso roaming 2 million acres chasing a wild horse. It’s gonna be tough with the horse running away. She then asked, why do you want to tame this wild horse? I told her, before I met her, I was a completely different person because I was holding out for that special person. I found her. She told me that I’m a helper, and that’s what I found in her. Yes she has her bad moods, but she is the kindest and most giving heart I’ve ever met. Helping each other grow while helping others is what made the relationship and our dynamic as a couple so intoxicating. She said okay well if this is the route you’re gonna take, you’ll have to put in the work and discipline. She said “I tell this to my sons as well as my patients, when a girl cheats on you, they have to be the ones to come back. Not you chasing them.” She said that she guarantees she tries to come back at least 5-6 times. She also said in the meantime between our next appointment, that I get more knowledge from here, as well as my BPD book I got when I was with her “walking on eggshells” and pertain the information not only to her, but to myself.

I wasn’t trying to sound like I wasn’t taking information in when I asked how long I should wait again to message her, but when I have a goal in my head, it’s easier for me to try and hold out that long messaging her.

White knight allow me to tell you a bit about my story and my past exGF with BPD.1 month ago she let me go by text the relationship we were in was not a sane one.I had my issues to as I let her go twice before she finally let me go.The day she did let me go was two days after she had been with her ex bf.So don’t feel bad about being cheated on it seems ppl with BPD have a higher tendency to do so but not all of them .My Marie-xxxx could also be so kind ,affectionate and loving it was impressive and a privilege to see her soft warm side ,one that I fell madly in love with. But with the good comes also the bad,the emotional swings,the drugs,booze,infidelity,the massive impulsive behaviors for attention.

With that said I had the best times of my life with that woman and for those moments I’m thankful.Now comes my two cents... .I hope you do get what you want,also there is no garanties she will be back .To what most have said here giving her space is probably best and to let her come to you “neediness to a BPD is a killer”.Only question I will ask you is : what makes you think it won’t happen again if you do get her back.Are you prepared to have this continue in your life? You’ve read these stories,see a trend here? Just sayin might want to think about that ? Hope you get what you want my friend

[whiteknight4152]

Only question I will ask you is : what makes you think it won’t happen again if you do get her back.Are you prepared to have this continue in your life? You’ve read these stories,see a trend here? Just sayin might want to think about that ? Hope you get what you want my friend

Im very aware this cycle will most likely occur again. That’s why I’m here. To build my knowledge base of handling these situations. It’s hard to explain why people do the things they do. I know why I go out of my way for her, I’ve never met another person that makes me feel the way I do when I’m with her. She carries that wherever she goes and passes it on to everyone she meets. She messed up, yes. I know she was grieving her past relationship that was her longest, and still wasn’t over it, and had to explore it once more. I understand this. I forgive her for what she did, because I love her and I’m willing to move on from it. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, nor should it be swept under the rug. I’m here to compile knowledge from the support here  that is going to best serve me when things go haywire. I’m willing to put in the work, she’s worth it to me.

[whiteknight4152]

I haven’t messaged her or seen any activity on her business page since may 20th.  I think I’m going to send her a message at the end of this work week on Friday.

[once removed]

personally, id give it longer than that.

if you pop up with random greetings every 1-2 weeks, shes going to see it for what it is, expect it, and its going to lose impact each time. it leaves her no reason to initiate contact either.

[whiteknight4152]

personally, id give it longer than that.

if you pop up with random greetings every 1-2 weeks, shes going to see it for what it is, expect it, and its going to lose impact each time. it leaves her no reason to initiate contact either.

Okay... I’ll try to give it longer than that. She has never went this long without posting on her business profile.

[1stTimer]

UPDATE:

I received an email response from her this morning. All she said was "Good luck on finals. and thanks." I emailed her monday and she replied this friday morning. Where do I go from here? I knew she had to see the email on monday. Does it mean anything that she decided to message back after 5 days?

Sorry for your situation first of all. Mine is quite complex and might not even be BPD but the similarity in the reply to my similar email is EERIE. Mine broke off 'us' exactly 18 hours after I'd finally and officially bought into a full on committed monogamous relationship (which she read as 'engaged' and at some point (due to other conversations) I assumed the reason may have been she returned to that ex. I stormed out and weeks later sent a very similar email to her (how much I had cared, how amazed I was at how much I missed her, how I wished her the best, how I'd remember her for opening my heart, etc). Reply: "thank you for your nice note. hope you are well". It is almost like they both read some 'How to deal with Discards: A Guide to being BPD"

I read mine as either what a reply to yours said: acknowledging it meant something to her as do I but not encouraging me to reach out (yet?). So I haven't. The dark take on it is that she did go back to ex who would not let her SPEAK to other men and monitored her emails and VM so she had to reply in a way he wouldn't guess what she was replying to.

I'm in the exact same bind you are/were however now: I see this as some sort of 'door is not closed' and (1 month later) find myself wanting to follow-up

[1stTimer]

Okay... I’ll try to give it longer than that. She has never went this long without posting on her business profile.

Hi WhiteNight, I replied previously about my similar situation but I feel you so strongly with your struggle about when/if/how to reply. I have this amazingly beautiful reply in my Draft box I have sat on for weeks and if I can be strong (and I plan to) likely will never send. Why? Perhaps because of the trite 'if you love something set it free' bromide but also because while you might be able to spark emotion/reply in 'normal' people in all likelihood with pwBPD (and even 'my' girl who I don't believe has it but is way damaged) you spark the exact opposite of what you want.

I know all about the 'Object Inconstancy' issues with pwBPD and the fear that 'out of site out of mind' means you lose her but I don't personally think you can counter it with contact.

Your situation seems similar enough to mine so I'll tell you my plan; I put good thoughts back out there in her mind or heart which she clearly heard at some level and clearly felt enough about me to acknowledge and let me know she wished I was doing well. I have no idea IF she went back to her abusive ex, or the prior abusive ex, or if she decided to start dating her ass off to run from the relationship she finally got that (seemed to) scare her so. In any event, not a further word or email from me will change that.  I reached out to basically say "I am not angry, I do not blame, I did love you, I wish the best for you, I'm moving on". She heard it. So now she can decide if she wants to keep running, if she prefers men who demean her and abuse her, and if she ran from something and someone she actually wanted. I'm gathering that will take time. And again, with the seed I added which allows her to remember what she loved about me, it may grow, it may die, she may not water it in any event.

The real point is there is no more I can do, and from reading your thread you can do either.

I am taking the time to get strong again; I was in formerly great shape, let myself go by the time I met her and she mentioned it; in two months I've channeled the fear/anger/confusion into boxing/working out and am closing in on the best shape of my life and feel and look great. I'm working harder on my business than ever. I am not doing this FOR her, I am doing it FOR me. The saying 'things always happen for a reason' only is true when ... .you make things happen for a reason.

My guess is the following; she will reach out one day. I will be whole, healed, no longer in the vulnerable stage I was when I met her, and be looking and feeling my best. I'll wonder what I ever saw in her. Or maybe it will turn out we had something amazing and the time is right. Or maybe she'll never reach out. But the point is I'll have done what I could for her, for us, for me, and overthinking how to 'expedite' or manipulate her feelings is only taking away from all of that. Just my 02

[CluelessNomore]

I know why I go out of my way for her, I’ve never met another person that makes me feel the way I do when I’m with her. She carries that wherever she goes and passes it on to everyone she meets.

I'm new here and still trying to understand BPD... .but this line indicates your issue. And I know it because I have the same issue. Speaking from my own experience, it's easy for affection from someone else to become an addiction. I sought validation as a man through the way that someone else made me feel. And once an already troubled woman feels responsibility for someone else's feelings too, then an intense resentment is inevitable. This is the biggest reason why my wife is divorcing me.

But I have no intention of chasing her. It will only harm me.

Now, through therapy, groups, and good male friends, I'm learning to find that validation within myself. Dude - you deserve better than a toxic relationship where it is impossible for your needs to get met. Healthy women exist. Healthy relationships exist. I am determined to get one myself... .but I gotta be single for a while and work on myself first. Part of the problem is that I am attracted to women who have issues. That's gotta stop. That's not the kind of woman I deserve.

But to get there, I gotta work through my issues.