to send my BPD Dad/stepmom THE final email or not?

[Jennylove]

I'm soo happy I found this place. The first thing I need to say is neither of them, my dad or stepmom,  have a diagnosis, but I've diagnosed them myself. My childhood was very horrible because of them. There wasn't any physical abuse, but horrible mental abuse and they treated me like  the orphan Annie . My dad took his physical rage out on our 2 dogs, bless their souls. But I'm a survivor, age 40 now. I'm doing well in life, but the things they used to say and do still astound me at times. I have forgiven them, but I kept my distance. We didn't speak or see eachother for 5 years, that is,  until our first get-together 2 months ago. I'm trying to make this brief so I won't go into all the details of our reunion, other than to say, they haven't changed. Well, let me make an exception. My dad changed his animal abusive ways, he shows love towards his dogs now, and I could tell that his dogs are not scared of him and love him just as much. Thank god for that. But everything else is the same, especially their need to control me. Nope, not happening.

Anyway, let's just say we are back to not speaking. After a few days passed post our reunion, things that they said had to sink in. And once it all sunk in and I had a moment of clarity, I sent an email  calling them out on their BS. This is the 1st time I've ever done this. I got the read receipt, but no response.  My sister then had a birthday and she said she didn't get any call from them, 6 years in a row now. I then texted them and called them out on that, too. All of this "calling out" is helping me because I've kept it all bottled up my whole life. I'm to the point in life where I stand up to bullies whether it to me or someone else, and I stand up for the underdog. Anyway, they are ignoring me and likely smearing my name and speaking falsely about my mental health  to others, because that how they roll. And I'm ok with that, "just" will someday happen. But... .

When I was 17, my bestie and I were invited to an apartment party by 2 older guys in their mid 20s. We went, it was at "Jimmys" apartment. Again, we were 17, Jim and his friends were 26. After my bestie and I got drunk, we were taken advantage of by Jims 2 friends.  Jim knew about it. In fact, he drove us home afterwards and apologized. He was not drunk, I don't think he even drank that night since he was supposed to be the designated driver.  I recovered from it years later, but I kept it a secret. My bestie and I went our own ways afterwards, we weren't the same giggly girls. But life went on.

Years later, when I was 30, my dad met Jim at a hunting event and they became besties despite their age difference. This is when my dad started to cut me out of his life and when he stopped inviting me to his 4th of July parties, or, any get togethers at his house. And I think I figured out why. Because he heard about what happened when I was 17, and instead of telling Jim to take a hike, he chose his friendship over me. He didn't want me around his events because he knew Jim would be there and things would be too awkward. Jim is his best friend and they talk everyday. I have no doubt that Jim told my dad about that night.

I'd like to send an email, giving MY version of the story just to make him aware in case he doesn't know, which is unlikely. I know nothing will change, but I just want to tell my dad that it's horrible how he cut me off, his sweet and innocent daughter, but has taken jim in, a man who is guilty of rape by being present when it happened. I just want my dad to know that I know he chose Jim friendship over me. And how pathetic it is. Should I send it or just let it go? I will never see my dad again either way, so I feel this email is what it'll take for my healing to really expedite. But nothing will change, my dad respond.

[Turkish]

At this last meet, how did they try to exert control over you again?

You showed a lot of strength even meeting with them given his r/s with "Jimmy." That must be very painful.  Have you thought about telling your dad anyway? Or would a likely predictable response cause further pain for you?

Clinical or not:

My childhood was very horrible because of them

We are all survivors here,  and I'm glad that you found us Jennylove  

Maybe it's good to start at the beginning... .how did they make your childhood very horrible?

Turkish

[Jennylove]

Well, my dad sent me a text on my birthday and asked when we could get together, that he wanted to talk about things. I was excited. A few weeks later,  I went to their house thinking we were going to have a family discussion. Nope. I was greeted coldly when I rang the doorbell and then they kept watching TV anytime I spoke about my life and the latest. When I told them about a health problem and the medicine I've been taking, my SM asked, i"s the medicine the cause for your weight gain?"  Umm. That's soo her. She was big on body shaming  back when I was younger. And then the rest of the evening consisted of them talking about all the faults that my sister has and making fun of other ppl in the family . And how my nephew (age11) is a jerk and they don't talk to him anymore because he said he was "bored" at their house a year ago. He is their only grandchild. They never apologized for not inviting me to the family reunion or being absent from my life for the past decade. They simply pointed out everyone's flaws but their own.

My childhood: to summarize, I had to walk on eggshells. My dad was explosive and the smallest things set him off. He'd say the most horrible things to me such as "I wish your mom would get In a car accident tonight and die"   Or  " If I die tonight, I'm going to haunt you for the rest of your life if you don't treat stepmom with respect"  My SM was very passive-aggressive and jealous. Boy, was she  jealous. If my mom bought me a toy and I showed it to them, she'd let out a sigh and say "beth strikes again" and storm off. And then the toy would  disappear.  She always shamed me for my looks, when I was 15, she called me a "fat B" because I took a long shower by accident and used up the hot water before her shower. When my dad heard her say this, he replied "It no wonder she doesn't have a boyfriend, she so disgusting to look at. If I were a boy her age, I wouldn't even want to look at her."   - these were common remarks, as were the rage fits, passive aggressiveness and controlling issues.

[Turkish]

These are very mean and cruel things to say and do,  and it sounds like they haven't changed. And they've cut off your sister too (have they, or just the lack of birthday calls?) We are about preserving families here,  but also about healing, no matter how we choose to deal with our relationships.

Is there even a spark of decency on their side that you could work with, other than dad stopping animal abuse?

[Jennylove]

These are very mean and cruel things to say and do,  and it sounds like they haven't changed. And they've cut off your sister too (have they, or just the lack of birthday calls?) We are about preserving families here,  but also about healing, no matter how we choose to deal with our relationships.

Is there even a spark of decency on their side that you could work with, other than dad stopping animal abuse?

They've cut sister off, too. According to them on our last visit, they don't like her husband because they think he inflicts emotional abuse on her, and they never call her or go over there because of their aversion to him. They wish she would divorce him and apparently they've offered to help pay for an apartment if she were to divorce him. But let me tell you, they just want control over her. It would be a nightmare for her if she accepted any help from them. And besides, my sister has been married 13 years and claims to be happy. They can't accept it tho.

They do nice things for people at times. But behind their back, they'll somehow make fun of the person or talk about the person they helped. Again, I'll use my sister as an example. They threw her a nice baby shower when she had their only grandchild. A few months later, I went to their house for a visit and her shower was brought up and I told them how nice I thought it was. SM's response ruined everything tho. She said "did you notice the attendees were all my friends? Your sister has no friends and when I was making out the invitations, I had nobody to really invite, so I asked my friends if they would come. Luckily they did"

I will hand it to them, they do have a ton of friends. But their house is not a home, it's a party house. Their motto is basically "friends first, family last." Every week they seem to have get together or parties with lots of beer or alcohol and pot. I wouldn't be surprised if they are swingers, too. When my nephew was 8, he went there after school on a Friday. They took him out to eat and then back to their house. He told my sister that he walked inti their bedroom when they were downstairs because he wanted to watch tv in there. But he walked out when he realized there was a lady sleeping in their bed. He never asked them who she was, but at age 8, he knew it was odd.

[HappyChappy]

Should I send it or just let it go? I will never see my dad again either way, so I feel this email is what it'll take for my healing to really expedite.

Hey JennyLove (loving your username btw)

Sound like you know the answer to your question. Do it for yourself.

So sorry to hear what you’ve had to go through. But just to throw my two cent in, if someone does have a personality disorder, calling them out tend just to anger them, as it contrast with their fansaty thinking that states they are epic party people, or some such. So send it for yourself, but be aware it may well appear like a personal attack and provoke them to attack back. They may try and deride you name so no one else listens to you. But I understand why it helps you to do this, tell your story. Before I went NC, I wanted to do the same. Best advice I got (and from here) was write the letter or e-mail, then come back to it in a couple of days and decide then, without emotion, if you should send it. In honesty, posting on here would get more recognition of their bad behaviour, because we’ve experienced similar, so we know you are geniuine. If you still feel the need to send, ask youself if you have properly grieved the loss of the family you so rightly deserved, but never got. Is this more about detaching. Welcome to our family, we are an awesome bunch and the family with loyalty that you should have had. 

[Panda39]

Hi Jennylove,

I'm so sorry you went through a childhood like you have.  The verbal abuse and put downs are awful and so damaging to our self-esteem. 

I think one of the toughest things about having a person with BPD/BPD Traits in our life is accepting they are who they are, that they (without therapy) are going to continue to do the dysfunctional things they do, that until they seek help they will never be the people we hope they will be. 

Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance was developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD.  from the University of Washington (see article) and is based on the ancient Zen philosophy that each moment is complete by itself, and that the world is perfect as it is. Zen focuses on acceptance, validation, and tolerance instead of change.

Link to more on Radical Acceptance: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

My stepdaughters have really struggled with this in terms of their undiagnosed BPD mom (uBPDmom).  It's awful when you want  your mom to love you, put you first, meet your needs, be honest, be kind, be the adult and just be the mom you need her to be but she just isn't capable. 

Right now D21 is no contact with her mother (her mother did something so over the top that she realized that she can't have her mom in her life) it has been extremely painful but also what she had to do in order to protect herself. She also sees that her mother is not making any changes, her mother sees everyone else as the problem and she is the victim so is unlikely to make any changes.

D17 is low contact with her mom she keeps giving her mom a chance, hoping that she will step up and be the mom she needs, but is repeatedly let down.  This is tough to watch.  My hope is that at some point she will see her mother's limitations and accept her as she is and look at their relationship from that vantage point.

I'm so sorry about what has gone on in your life because of your dad and I'm so sorry about what has gone on in my step-daughters life because of their mom.  You all want love and validation from your parents, we all want that.  But until your dad makes changes and my step daughters' mom makes changes you are unlikely to receive what you need from them. 

If you want to write a letter by all means do it get out what you need to say do it for you (share it here if you like), but don't send it.  You will be disappointed your dad will react as he always has because he knows no other way and because he isn't looking for another way.  Your letter isn't likely to make him wake up and change his ways... .he will see you as the problem because that's what he does.  He is not capable of the validation you seek from him.  He will not see your perspective, he will not apologize for the pain he has caused he just isn't capable.

Panda39

[cedarview]

Hi Jennylove,

I am really very sorry that you and your friend had to experience something as terrible as rape, not to mention the verbal abuse and lack of empathy from your parents and step parents. You are already a strong person for overcoming the challenges you have faced. Your writing shows a lot of insight and emotional intelligence. We "diagnosed" my mother with BPD and my father is a narcissistic enabler (so uBPDm and uNBPDd I guess!). I have had a lot of the same issues over the last year as we (my wife and I and our kids) have laid boundaries and tried to get on with our lives just to get attacked or ignored. Panda39 gives such good advice here (really so many of the longtime members have such great insight into almost every triumph and pitfall when it comes to BPD).

I have written many letters, either literally or in my mind, that I never have sent to my parents. It is unrealistic to expect or hope for them to change, regardless of how much we want them to. More often than not, as Panda says, not only will your messages and letters not have the intended result, they will likely stoke the fire even more and make the BPD feel like even more of a victim. Most of our lives we are taught never to give up hope and that if we keep trying and we keep working, we can solve any problem. Unfortunately with this cruel disorder, letting go of that hope that they will change, or at least not counting on it, is an important goal to have. They literally cannot change because they have developed these behaviors over the course of a lifetime and their outrageous emotional responses, however disturbing and worrisome, feel "normal" to them. It must be a nightmare to be so enmeshed in daily rages and anxiety, and so I truly do feel sorry for my parents. I wish I could help them, and I wish that they would somehow want to help themselves. I don't care what they are saying about me and my wife to other people, and I don't feel the need to defend or explain myself to them. We are done with that.

When you write about your dad and SM's behavior when you went to visit them it really hits home for me. There is nothing my uBPD mother likes more than to criticize people behind their backs, calling people names and making fun of them. I think some of her happiest moments were when I would join in with that because I was so desperate to have some sort of positive interaction with my mother, even though I am naturally a rather positive and loving person. How low must one's self esteem be that you need to tear down a 11 year old child? Over the years I have been told I am "fat", that I have bad skin / complexion, that my hair looks like "sh*t", that my tattoos and earrings will make me a "freak" and unemployable. How I wished that I would get apologies or compliments from my mother when I earned a degree, got married, got a great job that I love and started a family! Nope. Like it didn't even happen.

Please know that there are many, many adult children of parents with BPD who are struggling with the same things you are on a daily basis. I really hope that you can find some peace moving forward and I wish you the best. Please post again and let all of us know how you are doing in your journey.

[Jennylove]

Wow, I'm so blessed for this site. You people are all amazing warriors and I can't thank you enough for reading my post and the advice. How did people survive before message forums or the Internet? I've learned so much about personality disorders and coping mechanisms from places like this.

As for me. Well, I'm going to slowly read your responses tonight after work and really let it all sink in. I'm not in any hurry to send the email, so I like the advice about writing it and then waiting a while before sending it. I may even post it on here before I send it should I decide to do so. There is no hope for a relationship with them anymore, my last visit with them was the last nail in the coffin for me. I was so hopeful for a nice discussion about our differences and some apologies, but nope, all I heard about was my cousins big nose, my other cousins ugly fiancé, how ridiculous and mental  my sister is, how hard-headed and fat I am. Oh, and my anger issues.  The one thing I'm mad about is why I sat there and listened to them. Why didn't I get up and leave or tell them to stop talking about ppl? On my behalf, it truly took a couple days for it to sink in. But geeesh. I'm sure I do seem "crazy" to them for sending that email because when I left, they had no idea I was upset. My dad even sent me a follow up text a day later that said he loves me. The thing is, he can say he loves me but his actions don't show it. He never calls me or texts. No birthday card or Xmas card in years, and he forgot about my moving away party years ago, he said he'd attend, but he never showed up because he forgot. Im just so sick of them. And I hate how they label people as crazy but themselves. They have a bunch of flying monkeys on my dads side of the family that they slander my name to and it's not fair. I honestly won't be sad if they were to die tomorrow. I won't even attend their funeral.

[AnaiD]

If it would make you feel better send the email, but as a previous poster said it wont change any behaviour from your dad in the long run. But you can do it for yourself. Spill it all out on the email and then feel as it all disappears when you hit the send botton.