Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 05:21:00 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
115
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Unhealthy attractions  (Read 848 times)
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« on: April 22, 2018, 04:29:53 PM »

I am finding myself spending too much time thinking about a man that I have no possibility of ever having a loving relationship with. This man is not attracted to me, is not a healthy choice, and is not someone I would ever go out with. After many years of therapy and many years of not experiencing an unhealthy attraction that I cannot stop thinking about, I am asking myself why now and how can I stop wasting my time thinking about him? I believe it is because I am in a great deal of pain after realizing a few months ago that I will never have a loving relationship with my family. I have been keeping to myself in the past few months, and grieving over many long term loses because of how I have avoided taking actions that could have improved my life. I continue to see my therapist. I feel so empty inside when I see myself thinking of this man, which is so discouraging because before my family crisis, I was feeling very sure of myself and happy with myself for the first time in my life. For the first few months after the crisis, I was keeping myself busy with things I love to do, and thought I was doing well until I started feeling lost spending too much time thinking about this man, and how I could fix him. I want to get unstuck and stop wasting time on things that just lead to more frustration and wasted time, as I know I have a lot of great living to do, and just need to get out of my own way. I believe a lot of the feelings I have towards this man are related to growing up with a mother, who had no empathy for her children, and left us alone for hours crying in our cribs when we were babies because she could not tolerate a baby crying. Somehow my painful memories of being rejected by my family are being triggered by him, and I seem to be looking for confirmation that I am indeed unlovable.
Logged

Cromwell
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2212


« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2018, 06:19:26 PM »

Some of the clues that im following in light of what you are saying is that part of the behaviour was designed as such. My ex knew that I loved her but wanted to not only show me, but make me believe that i was unlovable by not reciprocating it. because it is how they feel themselves and lack the ability to embrace it. I would by definition, be unlovable, as long as I remained with her, for it was mission impossible regardless of what I would do or how long id ruminate what to do to change this.

its made detaching far easier to realise i had taken on a challenge that would never result in fruition. If this became a pattern in relationships, its simply a result of seeking love from the wrong people, ie those who lack the capacity to give it.

I was afraid to come to this realisation, it kept me stuck, once I did it surprised me how easy it has became to get on with life and bring clarity to the confusion. With regards to parents, there would be little to gain for me to spend that huge amount of time required to come conclusion as to whether I was genuinely loved by them or not, regardless of what answer I might finally find, it would have little tangible benefit to my future. As the saying goes, you can choose your friends, you cant choose your parents. The impact on our development is known to be profound but at the same time, we have little option besides forging ahead and making the best of what we can for the future. we cant change the past but we can acknowledge it and decide if it is something we want to accept or refuse in the way we develop ourselves or influence others, if you have your own family rather than let history repeat itself. For instance, you acknowledge that leaving a baby to cry is not the right way, there are people who perputate this because they have conditioned themselves to think "well, my parents brought me up this way, so dont complain (or suggest in anyway it was wrong)".

I have, and still do attract people id rather not. The only difference is that I recognise them quicker and make consistent efforts to remove them from my life ASAP. I see it as the equivalent to a burglar looking for a house in a street, they bypass the ones that have alarms and other security, they then try one that appears vulnerable. For some reason being open to love, is the equivalent and it can attract these types who will use it and abuse it. Your story makes me thinking of capturing the burglar in your house , feeling sorry about why he did this, and wondering if there is a way to reform him, rather than simply get him removed and start building up some better security.

Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2018, 09:37:36 PM »

Hi zachira,

One of our retired staff members was known to quip "all roads lead to the family with BPD board." I started here,  then ended up here.  You've come the other direction,  but the commonality is our FOO. We know what we know and we don't know what we don't know,  so being attracted to unhealthy people may be in our emotional DNA. Realizing this logically is one thing.  Trying to overcome a lifetime of emotional programming is quite another.

If you don't want to go into details,  that's ok,  but what about this man do you feel needs fixing? I'm glad that you brought this up because it's a common thing that we should talk about here more.

You speak about genuine love regarding your parents to you,  but what is genuine love from you to a romantic partner?

I'm not speaking of making a list, but rather how you would love someone. Would your descriptions be different if you could imagine yourself with a relatively healthy FOO, with parents who validated you,  didn't reverse parent-child roles, and with whom you felt safe?

T
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2018, 02:00:42 PM »

Thank you Cromwell and Turkish for your kind and thoughtful replies. I appreciate your feedback, and am taking a thorough look at why after all these years of not experiencing a fantasy attraction, I suddenly have this unhealthy attraction. I am realizing that I have isolated myself since my terrible fallout with my family at Christmas when I learned they basically hate me for becoming a more self confident happy person, and it is no longer so easy for them to project onto me the uncomfortable feelings they cannot accept about themselves. I realize that behind the years of therapy I have done, there was the unrealistic expectation that I would receive the love and respect I deserve once I became a better person.
I now am facing the daunting task ahead of giving up living in a fantasy world and leading the life I would really like to have. I realize that I learned as child to idolize my parents, because I could not accept that they did not love me.
This man attracts me because I believe he is as lonely as I am. I do not want to say much about him, because this is blaming him for what he cannot provide, and I don't even really know him very well at all. Basically, this attraction is all in my head, and I am doing better in not thinking so much about the idealized relationship we should be having.
I have a lot of work on developing healthy intimate relationships. It feels like I am starting all over, and there is just so much heartbreak behind it all.
Thank you for reading my posts and support.
Logged

Insom
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 680



« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2018, 11:12:03 AM »

Hi, zachira

Excerpt
I am asking myself why now and how can I stop wasting my time thinking about him? I believe it is because I am in a great deal of pain after realizing a few months ago that I will never have a loving relationship with my family.

Just chiming in to support and let you know I can relate.  I arrived here about a year ago because I was having recurrent dreams and thoughts about a relationship that ended many years ago and I too have wondered "why now?"  Your answer will like be different from mine, but I've concluded my answer is because after years of not being able to, I am finally at an age when I have the desire, strength and resources to address past trauma. 

Would you like to tell us more about this guy you're thinking about?  Or about your family history?  What feels most relevant to you today?
Logged

zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2018, 11:59:43 AM »

Thank you Insom! I can relate to so many things you have said in your post. I do believe that I have been through emotional hell recently because I now have the resources to address past trauma and how I have lived my life with fantasy bonds with other people. I come from a very toxic family environment where on both sides of the family, certain people are worshiped and others are scapegoats. I have two aunts and an uncle who were wonderful people, did everything they could to be loved including going out of their way to help their nieces and nephews who were in very dysfunctional families, yet they continued to be horribly scapegoated by the family. Currently there is a child in the family who has been a scapegoat since he was born, and I was recently told by his grandfather that he loves his brother's grandchildren more than his only grandson.
I have been going to therapy since my brother died several years ago, because my mother so badly abused my brother, her favorite child, when he was dying of cancer that the hospice social worker had to hold a family meeting to curtail the abuse. While my brother was terminally ill, I flew across the county many times to see him. At one point, I was told by my siblings that they did not want me to come any more for really no reason. I eventually found out that my siblings were telling others about all the problems I was causing when I had not really done anything that warranted my being told not to come anymore.
After years of therapy, I started to feel really self confident, happy, and was not participating so much in the toxic family dynamics. I had this unconscious expectation at some point that my family would love me for who I am. While my friends and some of my really wonderful relatives had been congratulating me on how I have grown and changed, my siblings and mother who are all borderlines accelerated their attacks on me. I was doing well, until I was told I was not welcome at my mom's house for this past Christmas, for no apparent reason. Since then, I have reverted to some old unhealthy behaviors like feeling worthless, unloved, and obsessing over having a romantic relationship. One man in particular became my obsession after he and I shared endless personal information about each other, in what can only be described as poor boundaries on both of our parts. Since then, I thankfully run into him infrequently.
I now feel much better, and realize I need to love myself for who I am, that I cannot depend on outside validation to feel okay. My challenge is not to take on others' negative projections and own them. I am indeed ready to live a better life, and to be vulnerable even though sometimes I will get hurt, which is part of being a healthy whole human being.
Logged

gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2018, 10:08:57 AM »

Hi zachira   

I want to join the others in supporting you.

... .I need to love myself for who I am, that I cannot depend on outside validation to feel okay.
Another way to look at this is that it will allow you to build self-confidence and self-esteem in a way that doesn't depend on things outside. So while recognition is good and nice, building one's esteem from something within can help so much more.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I now feel much better, and realize I need to love myself for who I am, ... .
One thing that helped me heaps was this thing from David Burns:
Excerpt
Self-esteem can be viewed as your decision to treat yourself like a beloved friend. Imagine that some VIP you respect came unexpectedly to visit you one day. How might you treat that person? You would wear your best clothes and offer your finest wine and food, and you would do everything you could to make him feel comfortable and pleased with his visit. You would be sure to let him know how highly you valued him, and how honored you were that he chose to spend some time with you. Now—why not treat yourself like that? Do it all the time if you can!
One of my issues was not treating myself good and mentally filtering out all the good stuff I did throughout the day. This thing by Burns helped me investigate the guilt I felt when I thought of rewarding myself with things. I hope that broadens your possibilities for your loving yourself.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

My challenge is not to take on others' negative projections and own them.
A worthy challenge.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) This one from Mason and Kreger helps me a lot still with projection-oozing people:
Excerpt
Separate your feelings from those of the person with BPD. In chapter 3, we explained that BPs often use projection to try to get others to feel their feelings for them. You may need to keep checking yourself to determine whose feelings are whose. If you start to feel helpless or angry, is it because the other person is projecting his or her own helplessness or anger onto you?

I am indeed ready to live a better life, and to be vulnerable even though sometimes I will get hurt, which is part of being a healthy whole human being.
Fabulous.  Smiling (click to insert in post) I wish you peace and look forward to things you may share later.
Logged
heartandwhole
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2018, 06:21:38 AM »

zachira,

That has been quite a lot that you've been going through with your FOO recently. I can really understand that evoking feelings of unworthiness and not being lovable. I can also definitely relate to the obsessiveness with someone that can arise out of that vulnerability and longing.

I commend you for sharing this, and working through it. It helps me understand myself better, too.   I think gotbushels has shared some very enlightening information (thank you!). That quote from David Burns knocked my socks off, and I want to remember it from this day forward.

Excerpt
I now feel much better, and realize I need to love myself for who I am, that I cannot depend on outside validation to feel okay. My challenge is not to take on others' negative projections and own them. I am indeed ready to live a better life, and to be vulnerable even though sometimes I will get hurt, which is part of being a healthy whole human being.

Such wise words, zachira, and a great recipe for well-being in relationships. And when our hearts get hijacked by FOO stuff, we can feel, grieve, make amends if necessary, and get back up and cultivate compassion and love for ourselves. What the heck else is there in life, right? I mean, the more we treat ourselves like our best friends, the more others benefit from the peace and non-judgment we radiate. A worthy goal, in my opinion.  

heartandwhole
Logged


When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2018, 01:38:50 PM »

Gotbushels and Heartandwhole,
Thank you for your support in helping me to get past the FOO and start loving myself for who I am. I realize my biggest challenges seem to be not taking on all the negative projections cast upon me by family members and impossible romantic interests, people who do not have the capacity for genuine ongoing caring connection who essentially fear showing people who they really are, and letting my mind ruminate on how unlovable I am if these people don't want me. I am working on feeling glad that these people don't really want me, as relationships with these family members and men in my age bracket can only lead to my self esteem tanking even further, and the fact that these people are so rejecting shows how far I have come: I have become so resistant to these type of people that I evoke fear in them by trying to connect with someone who does not have the capacity for connection, and they in turn do something mean to distance themselves from me so I will not challenge them on what they fear most: genuine connection. The  next step is to meet these people where they are at, recognize they are not candidates for healthy relationships, and to really expend my energy on people that can have healthy relationships.
I am thinking about two older men I have known my whole life who were suddenly widowed after years of being happily married. Both men were good looking, people of fine character, intelligent and have plenty of money. All kinds of women were chasing them like they were a pot of gold. Both men remarried within a short period time to women who were not at all good looking, and both marriages are extremely happy. Both men were looking for a really great person, and did not want a relationships based solely on sexual attraction.
I need to start paying attention to the people that rarely get all the attention. Years ago, I got involved with people with disabilities and found that people who had been in wheel chairs most of their lives were some of the nicest people, and that those who we give so much attention to, that are young and good looking, often wish people would pay less attention to them as they are tired of people fawning all over them.
So here it is: I am going to start focusing on the people most people don't notice, and I am sure I will get plenty of appreciation in return.
I am a work in progress and I am not giving up.
I appreciate all the support, and thank you for reading such a long post!
Logged

zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2018, 11:33:05 AM »

I met with my T last week and she agreed with me that this man I have been attracted to has big red flags. She thinks he has avoidant attachment which it was what I had been thinking. I have just finished reading: "Avoidant: How to Love or Leave a Dismissive Partner". I realize I was so hurt by this man because he gives such mixed signals. His message constantly changes from come close to get away from me, or it is a mixed message. I have been hurt the most by his body language. He essentially turns away from me, which says I do not exist nor matter to him. From reading this book, I have concluded that he is a fearful-avoidant. This means he craves intimate relationships, and then dumps his partner when it gets too intimate for him. Having a relationship with an avoidant is a ticket for endless pain and possibly abuse, as they cannot love another, usually without lots of therapy.
I realize the hurt was magnified by the sudden rejection from my family members, which somehow made his rejecting body language which says I don't matter so much more painful. If I had been more in
my normal way of being, I would not have given the man a second glance. Indeed I had been seeing him for years, and made no effort to connect with him. My T recommends that I continue to seek out the people who treat me with kindness and respect, and there are many people like that who I interact with. I am looking to surround myself with people who have secure attachment. People with secure attachment have open welcoming body language, are comfortable in their own skin, and good boundaries. I am starting to use my inner compass to validate myself and am becoming less dependent on external validation. My T says that this man is a catalyst for change, and indeed he is, as are my family members who have treated me so badly, and all the wonderful kind people out there, including those on this Board who have responded to my posts, who are supporting me in becoming the best person I can be.
I am so grateful and hopeful that my life is going in a better direction. I find facing my challenges with my BPD family members is making me stronger, and in the end, I will be able to have the love in my life that I so long for, unlike my BPD family members who will unlikely never be able to have healthy loving relationships with themselves and other people or this man who refuses to realize how his rejecting behavior hurts others, and indeed he has had many failed relationships.
Logged

Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2018, 06:37:21 PM »

This is so great zachira!  This guy having a fearful-avoidant attachment style and the associate behaviors are very hurtful especially when they are the very same that your family display. 

It is good to read that you are full of determination to heal and overcome and that you are full of hope for the future.  I too believe you will find love. 
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2018, 12:05:29 PM »

Thank you Harri! Thank you for understanding how much the behaviors of this fearful avoidant man have hurt me because he behaves like my family members. I am feeling less hurt by his behaviors these days, and am slowly accepting that he and I will never really be friends or lovers. The get close and/or distancing behaviors on his part hurt and confuse me, and I can do nothing about it, except decide how I am going to respond, and realize he behaves this way with probably everybody in his life when he feels threatened by intimacy.
I have been reading "Stop Caretaking The Borderline Or Narcissist". I had never thought of myself as a caretaker because I have always been the scapegoat due to my standing up to the abuse. I also realized that I had role modeled for me by my mother that I was to take care of her and by my father that I was to find a partner to take care of. I am now seeing why I am attracted to such needy men, and that I am shooting myself in the foot by being attracted to a man I cannot change instead of addressing my need to be a caretaker.
I have a wonderful neighbor, the best neighbor I have ever had. He has done so many kind things for me while at the same time letting me kindly know that he did not like some of my unneighborly behaviors. Lately, he has been doing some things that annoy the other neighbors and are frankly an inconvenience for me, yet I lovingly allow his behaviors, because they really aren't that important to me to address them. (This is the truth.) He could be my son, so there is no way we are attracted to each other. I feel that my relationship with him is a good role model for a marriage or long term relationship: We love each other for who we are and kindly accept what we don't care for so much in each other, because you can't change another person.
The journey continues!
 
Logged

gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2018, 06:56:44 AM »

... ."Stop Caretaking The Borderline Or Narcissist". ... .
I had never thought of myself as a caretaker ... .
I had role modeled for me by my mother that I was to take care of her ... .
[by my father] that I was to find a partner to take care of.
A great choice. Fabulously empowering. I think you've lots to look forward to for that one zachiraSmiling (click to insert in post)

Indeed I think you may find that the scapegoat position and the caretaker position is actually a strength position. The scapegoat may have the will and understanding to deflect anxiety from people that blame. The caretaker may be looked at to be chosen by unhealthy others due to a surplus of resources rather than a deficiency.

I am now seeing why I am attracted to such needy men, and that I am shooting myself in the foot by being attracted to a man I cannot change instead of addressing my need to be a caretaker.
Me too, I was attracted to needy partners. I felt quite a lot of pleasure from helping and things. I found the questionnaire very good. I think I scored in the basic caretaker position. I thoroughly enjoyed section 3 and particularly the last chapter. I hope you'll share what you learned from your reading.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

We love each other for who we are and kindly accept what we don't care for so much in each other, because you can't change another person.
Yes!

That quote from David Burns knocked my socks off, and I want to remember it from this day forward.
heartandwhole    you're most welcome.  Smiling (click to insert in post) it did mine too! I still use the idea every month or so--especially when times are difficult.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2018, 10:01:38 AM »

Thank you Gotbushels for all your kind thoughts and support.
Last night I talked to a loving man who has given me a lot of support over the years. He is someone who treats everyone with love and respect. He has a long time girl friend, and he and I are friends.
We had the most kind caring conversation about having compassion for others. He told me a story about saying hello to this man for months on end with no acknowledgement and how one day the man told him how much his hello meant to him. This loving man is the one person who has told me twice now how much I have grown and changed over the years, and I have told him how much it means to me, that no one else seems to have really noticed. (Indeed one of my biggest hurts is how my family has escalated the scapegoating as I have set better boundaries with them and become more comfortable in my own skin.)  This man is a very spiritual person and practices Buddhism, in particular loving and accepting people and situations as they are. I left the conversation feeling the spirit of genuine love and the universe.
I realize now where I need to go. I am so bitter about how my family has treated me and how it has affected my life. I want to become more like the man I was talking to: loving, compassionate, and accepting.
Logged

gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #14 on: June 14, 2018, 07:29:36 AM »

I'm glad to provide it zachira--and thank you for sharing. Part of the reason we're is to here to pass on thoughts and support--others like you ambassadors and staff are the ones making this work after all.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I realize now where I need to go. I am so bitter about how my family has treated me and how it has affected my life. I want to become more like the man I was talking to: loving, compassionate, and accepting.
I know that bitter feeling about people whom one 'should' be close to. It can feel especially difficult because these issues are often very private--people don't often discuss them face-to-face. It's sad because sometimes they are the most difficult problems to manage on our own. So you aren't alone.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Splendid on your knowing where to go--that self-direction in spite of difficulty is a real treasure. Not many people have that.

You brought up love, compassion, and acceptance.

So to support this effort of yours, I'd like to share something about bitterness that I found tremendously helpful from the community. What I've found is that for those private emotions from unusual issues (e.g., bitterness about family)--we can actually benefit heaps by recalling that emotions are a validation target. From there, it allows us to use what validation we know on ourselves to get a beneficial result. So if I decide I don't want to be bitter, then I'm able to use what acceptance I know to help bring about ends to feelings of bitterness.

People who feel painful emotions (pwBPD or non) do so for good reasons. In my mind, that's using acceptance to exercise self-compassion and what seems to me a healthy self-love.  Smiling (click to insert in post) The bonus point on this is that after we've distanced ourselves from the drama, we get to use these skills that we've spent so much time learning. Instead of using them exclusively to caretake others, why not use them to caretake ourselves?   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I hope this all helps as much as it does me. Enjoy your end of the week.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2018, 03:51:58 PM »

I am finally realizing that a big part of my unhealthy attractions is I have no attachment figure from childhood to keep me feeling safe and secure. As I result, for periods of time, I will adopt an emotionally unavailable man as my attachment figure by fantasizing about a relationship with him. Some times for years at a time, I cannot bring up an attachment figure to fantasize with, either a caretaker or partner figure. Then I recycle by adopting a man I barely know as my romantic fantasy. I could never relate to any of those exercises where I was asked to fantasize with a parent figure taking care of me. I think this is because I am an adult, so the person who fills in the void, has to be a fantasy romantic partner.
Logged

spacecadet
formerly Wisedup22
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 136



« Reply #16 on: July 20, 2018, 07:22:48 AM »

The caretaker may be looked at to be chosen by unhealthy others due to a surplus of resources rather than a deficiency.

Very insightful. :D
Logged
Insom
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 680



« Reply #17 on: July 24, 2018, 10:58:25 AM »

Excerpt
I am finally realizing that a big part of my unhealthy attractions is I have no attachment figure from childhood to keep me feeling safe and secure. As I result, for periods of time, I will adopt an emotionally unavailable man as my attachment figure by fantasizing about a relationship with him. Some times for years at a time, I cannot bring up an attachment figure to fantasize with, either a caretaker or partner figure. Then I recycle by adopting a man I barely know as my romantic fantasy. I could never relate to any of those exercises where I was asked to fantasize with a parent figure taking care of me. I think this is because I am an adult, so the person who fills in the void, has to be a fantasy romantic partner.

Zachira, thanks so much for sharing how this has unfolded for you since you started this thread back in April.  Are you still thinking about the man you mentioned in your first post?

How does it feel to have had this realization about attachment figures?
Logged

zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #18 on: July 24, 2018, 12:20:04 PM »

Insom,
Thank you so much for thinking about me and replying to my thread.
Yes, I still think about this man. The difference is that his rejecting behavior no longer upsets me the way it did before. I am realizing that I attract emotionally unavailable people because I am emotionally unavailable. I am awaiting the arrival of a book on how to become more emotionally available. I realize I met this man when I was at one of the lowest points in my whole life, and my therapist says that the lowest functioning part of myself got hooked. The good part of the terrible rejection I received from my family this past November is it has got me interested in having a relationship for the first time in many years. I realized I was living in a fantasy world hoping that my family members would love and appreciate me after I changed myself for the better after many years of therapy. The family members just got angrier and nastier as I became more self assured and happier, as they can not affect me that much anymore when they try to dump the negative feelings they have about themselves on me. I am now learning everything I can about how to have a healthy relationship, because if I don't, I am vulnerable to picking someone who is emotionally unavailable just like my parents and siblings.
Logged

gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #19 on: July 26, 2018, 07:43:07 AM »

I am now learning everything I can about how to have a healthy relationship, because if I don't, I am vulnerable to picking someone who is emotionally unavailable [... .]
This makes sense to me. Good on you zachira.  I hope it pays off for you and you're enjoying your peace.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Insom
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 680



« Reply #20 on: July 27, 2018, 09:24:03 AM »

Excerpt
I am awaiting the arrival of a book on how to become more emotionally available.

  Yes! (This sounds like something I would also read.) 

Excerpt
I realized I was living in a fantasy world hoping that my family members would love and appreciate me after I changed myself for the better after many years of therapy.

Oh, zachira.   You've inspired me to share a bit more . . . A few months ago the dreams I was having about my ex shifted.  Instead of dreaming about connection the dreams became about dismissiveness (like I was being dismissed or held in contempt).  This felt confusing because I don't exactly recall feeling that way around him.  And then I realized it's exactly how I've felt for decades around a family member I've struggled to connect with.

Excerpt
I am now learning everything I can about how to have a healthy relationship, because if I don't, I am vulnerable to picking someone who is emotionally unavailable just like my parents and siblings.

I love that you've made this a learning project.  Learning by reading?  Doing?  How to learn this?



 
Logged

zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #21 on: October 07, 2018, 09:46:32 PM »

I recently ran into the man I had the unhealthy attraction to many months ago. I followed my therapist's advice and just stayed present in the moment with him. It was so evident that he and I have nothing in common and our mutual attraction was based on fantasy and not on really knowing each other at all. One of the things I dislike about him is he seems to treat me according to his mood of the minute which makes me feel uneasy, definitely not someone I can trust as a friend never mind a significant other. I think we get into trouble with painful relationships and crushes when we do not stay present and just let the hormones and wishful thinking flow. Since this unhealthy attraction, I have come to realize that I did not know how to have a healthy relationship because I never had one with my FOO, and that my relationship with my FOO has always been based on the fantasy that they loved and cared about me, when in reality I am their scapegoat for all the bad feelings that they can't handle. These past few months I have learned what makes a person trustworthy and able to love another. It is based on being genuine from the start, and having a kind heart. Healthy relationships are about connection and affection for one another. Unhealthy relationships are based on fantasy. It is really easy to see through a false persona, a smile that is not genuine, words that don't ring true, if we value ourselves enough to pay attention. I have few friends and the ones I do have I value for how kind, honest, and interesting they are, and the fact we are able to have disagreements without anybody getting angry or feeling resentful: We accept each other for who we are. I am on a new journey right now, and I am going LC as much as is possible with my FOO while surrounding myself with the right kind of people. My challenge is that I still am really hurt by how my FOO has treated me, and I still feel hurt when others don't want me, especially this man who never was very nice to me to begin with, though I now know he is not for me, never was, and never will be, and I am proud that I did not go out with him, despite all his false charm.
Logged

gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #22 on: October 08, 2018, 06:32:39 AM »

zachira   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I recently ran into the man I had the unhealthy attraction to many months ago. [... .]
I relate to your story.

Since this unhealthy attraction, I have come to realize [... .]
I understand the difficulty you might feel when you realise something like this. It's hard and you aren't alone with it. I think quite a few people realise they didn't have that model relationship from their FOO. I do want to share hope with you that you can write your own story, with things how you want them to be. 

My challenge is that I still am really hurt by how my FOO has treated me, and I still feel hurt when others don't want me, especially this man who never was very nice to me to begin with, [... .]
Its tough when we consider how difficult FOO issues can feel for us. It know a bit of what you mean when people reject you, especially people whose opinions are more important to us. It's OK to feel unpleasant by this. I admire your calm. I felt quite angry and indignant when someone in my life was "supposed" to prefer my needs--but actually preferred someone else's.
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #23 on: October 08, 2018, 11:31:48 AM »

Gotbushels,
I always appreciate your warm thoughtful replies. I particularly appreciate hearing from you because you are a guy. There are many men who post on this site who have taught me that there are many fine guys and it heals my heart to interact with men that do truly love and care about women and their feelings.  I am so inspired by how so many of the men who post here do everything they can before leaving their relationship with a BPD and how they are just as hurt by their relationship challenges as women.
This morning I was thinking about how when I worked with men who were drug addicts and alcoholics, and how so many had long histories of being extremely promiscuous and it was always easy for them to find a woman to have sex with or an immediate relationship. It seems to me that if  a person really has a low bar for relationships that there are plenty of people out there. When we become better people and we are past the age when there are plenty of good single people out there, than it is just more difficult to find someone.
What prompted my post like night, was I saw the man I used to be so attracted to, in what looked like to me arranging an easy hook up with a woman. I always felt when he talked to me that he was just waiting for me to invite him to my house to have sex. He seemed to make it abundantly clear that he was not willing to take any initiative or be vulnerable in any way. Last night I said to myself, I am glad she is the one sleeping with him and not me. I would feel terrible being used for a night of sex and then soon discarded. This guy seems to know how to say things that really make women attracted to him, yet he really has no feelings for the women he attracts. His body language is cold and uncaring, and distant. He seems to be terribly afraid of intimacy which I think was part of my initial attraction to him.
I have just learned so much by deciding to really take a look at how I get myself emotionally hooked by people who will never love me. I do indeed have the finest friends that I have ever had, so there are more happy times to come. I thank this man for making me take a hard look at myself and making me learn what kind of man I could have a healthy relationship with. The challenges are steep in the months and years to come with having all three of my immediate members suffering from BPD and two of them are NPD as well. It hurts yet I know I will make it, and some day look back on this time hopefully as the period in which I did the emotional work to create a happy fulfilling life in which I am able to face the difficulties that come my way by making the best decisions and not taking other people's hurtful behaviors personally.
Logged

Insom
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 680



« Reply #24 on: October 12, 2018, 11:19:15 AM »

Hey, wow, zachira!  Thanks for checking back in.  It sounds like a lot has happened for you since you started this thread back in April. 

Excerpt
I do indeed have the finest friends that I have ever had, so there are more happy times to come . . .

I love this whole paragraph.     No advice, just support and thanks for writing about the  potential you're feeling right now.
Logged

gotbushels
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #25 on: October 14, 2018, 03:04:10 AM »

zachira   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I am so inspired by how so many of the men who post here do everything they can before leaving their relationship with a BPD and how they are just as hurt by their relationship challenges as women.
Yes, there are many here who put a lot of effort into their relationships. Males can be just as emotionally affected by these things as women.

It seems to me that if  a person really has a low bar for relationships that there are plenty of people out there. [... .]
Yes when people have lower thresholds for what they want then of course there will be more people they're willing to date. It can be a struggle sometimes to find the right combination that we like. Marriage to many people is a very important decision--and those choices tend to be more difficult to make and work with.

It hurts yet I know I will make it, and some day look back on this time hopefully as the period in which I did the emotional work [... .]
Yes, it will feel good to look back. Like Insom I support this discussion here. Me too, sometimes when I look back on my notes it helps me feel that I do have plenty to feel good about in my relational life--even though I may not be exactly in the place where I "want" to be in a given moment. It feels like the "I've made it (enough)" and that there's not "something wrong here" when I look at the peace I have today, compared with the difficulties around people I've been through. I think that's something you can enjoy--I'll share that hope with you. When I compare those times of fighting with my ex and the peace I have now on my own or with others, I still feel elated. It's a tremendous load off our shoulders when you view it comparatively--it's ours as individuals, so might as well own it, I think.  
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #26 on: October 16, 2018, 09:38:14 PM »

Gotbushels and Insom,
Thank you for your support and sharing my hope for a better future. So nice to be getting away from so much repetitive compulsion and on to surrounding myself with people that bring out the best in me and hopefully I bring out the best in them.
Logged

Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #27 on: May 11, 2019, 09:31:45 PM »

Staff only

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336423.msg13043340#msg13043340
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!