What helps with your detaching?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Family,

I've seen several threads in the past on this board about what we've learned so far, how we're helping ourselves and what we're doing to cope with the pain.  These have all been extremely valuable to me in my own healing.

Periodically I feel it's good to stop and take stock of how we're doing, emotionally and physically.  It can help us to recognise how far we've come and acknowledge what steps we've actively taken to support ourselves through such difficult times. 

I'd be interested to hear what you find helps you at this time in your detaching and how you are setting about furthering your well being.  Please feel free to add any insights or learning along the way. 

Sharing what is helpful for ourselves can make a big difference to others in the same position.  I know how much others' ideas and inspiration helped me get to where I am, so I'm starting this thread to highlight positive personal steps from all of our experiences.  Please tell us what you have done or are doing that benefits you. 

Looking forward to reading your replies!

Love and light x 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Family,

I've seen several threads in the past on this board about what we've learned so far, how we're helping ourselves and what we're doing to cope with the pain.  These have all been extremely valuable to me in my own healing.

Periodically I feel it's good to stop and take stock of how we're doing, emotionally and physically.  It can help us to recognise how far we've come and acknowledge what steps we've actively taken to support ourselves through such difficult times. 

I'd be interested to hear what you find helps you at this time in your detaching and how you are setting about furthering your well being.  Please feel free to add any insights or learning along the way. 

Sharing what is helpful for ourselves can make a big difference to others in the same position.  I know how much others' ideas and inspiration helped me get to where I am, so I'm starting this thread to highlight positive personal steps from all of our experiences.  Please tell us what you have done or are doing that benefits you. 

Looking forward to reading your replies!

Love and light x 

[Chynna]

Very honestly: No contact and reading threads here that are appropriate to me. My pwBPD was " high function " . I was infinitessamally (?) confused in that r/s... .too complicated to put into a thread right now. Still healing but oh so relieved it's over!  In the future I will recognize that gut wrenching feeling of doom. I hope everyone is doing well today. 

[Starfire]

1.  Maintaining no contact.  The longer I can, the stronger I feel.
2.  Enjoying my career and being ambitious again.  My ex was always intimidated by and jealous of my success, so I downplayed it a lot.  I missed opportunities to avoid triggering him.  No more of that.
3.  Connecting with guy friends and coworkers without dread or guilt that he'll be triggered by jealousy.
4.  Leaving my phone behind.  Such a relief to go outside in my garden or out with my friends or whatever and not feel like I'm constantly expected to respond to a text or a phone call.
5.  All the usual self-care.  Going to the gym.  Taking care of things around my house.
6.  Writing in my journal and reading old entries.  Helps so much to process my feelings.

[stixx44]

I had a 38-year normal, loving, stable relationship with the love of my life.  She died at age 59 of illness.

I miss her everyday.

Four years later I got involved with my UBPD ex for over a year. 

As hurtful as detaching from that relationship still is, I conjure up memories of my past life and realize what love is supposed to be. 

I guess I should be thankful that she was the one who ended it.  God knows how long I might have tried to tough it out.

[Harley Quinn]

Stixx, I'm so sorry to hear about your wife.  It's interesting and uplifting to hear that you have something wonderful and healthy to contrast with the r/s with a pwBPD.  I can imagine that eases things somewhat and keeps you balanced as you heal.  

Thank you everyone for sharing.  Some great input already.

Love and light x

[Cromwell]

Defiance I think is my central tool. It was since childhood where the same parallels I start to piece together existed with my BPDx R/S.

I often felt I couldnt do much against my parents, but I recall that I was still defiant at least mentally not accepting.

Its easier as an adult, I just intentionally do things to make a point that I wont allow someone else that unhealthy level of control of me. During the R/S I was very much "put down" but it was done slyly, such as disparaging and sarcastic comments. There was often a good amount of truth in them and they were valid, but it was the point that they were designed as "put downs" that I become defiant against nonetheless.

One such example is that my car was always untidy. My ex had a lot of OCD traits. What she didnt compute that I was so stressed that the most I could do was go to work for her, then spend the rest of the time putting up with her. Polishing the car interior was no longer on my mental checklist of getting through the day. if I hadnt have been so demoralised I would have, as I always had, a clean car inside and out. So anyway, I let that car fill up with full cigarette ashtray, carry out food wrappings, cans and even empty bottle of beers (yes it got to that stage). The more appalling it became, the more of an eyesore, the better I felt. Especially when she would have to sit there and obnoxiously roll the window down and exaggerate trying to intake fresh air. I showed her I can be passive-aggressive if I want to be, but at that point it was more about holding on to my own identity, I knew it was right, but it was the controlling nature of it that I wouldnt put up with. My mother was either BPD herself, BPD with OCD or NPD traits, the house was the cleanest in the neighbourhood. You would need sunglasses if you walked into the kitchen. Today my bedroom (not the rest of the house) resembles a defiant teenagers, what I couldnt do back then. I was brought up with OCD regularity about timekeeping, im now either fashionably late or early for everything, again, punctuality at its core is an admirable trait, but was so overbearingly attempt to hardwire, I defy it, it makes me feel in control of my own identity, until I can rewrite it and ascribe it truly to myself.

Asides from defiance, I go along with others have said, NC (keeping them out of my life) is the very obvious and most effective solution to recovering. when I think about how much I idolised my BPDx, I recognise it as a learned technique from my upbringing, I had to have a false image of my parents or I would have cracked up otherwise. The biggest change for me in detaching was to confront reality, not illusion. I see my ex for what she really was, not for the way I wanted to, or comforted me to. I also have good hope for the future, knowing ive at least started to recognise and address these issues, my plans for 2019 is to have a tidy bedroom, not to only iron my work clothes and be with someone who doesnt make me feel the need to be all these things.

summary

no contact with people that make me unhappy, past or present
hard work on self, daily, not putting self down or living in the past
belief that a brighter future is possible, possibilities and opportunities are bountiful, but old baggage cant be carried towards it.

[prof]

I'm in the midst of a separation/divorce with the custody of S5 at stake.  This has really brought out the anger, paranoia, and crazy accusations from uBPDstbxw.

Every single angry text I get from her reaffirms that yes, I made the right decision to leave this relationship and helps me further detach and move towards the next stage of my life.

[Panda39]

My SO has an uBPDxw, we met during the 2 year period between his leaving and the completion of his divorce. We did not know about BPD at the time.

I would say as an observer, that his ex-wife's continual and escalating (as the divorce wore on) bad behaviors kept him detached and anger (though maybe not healthy) kept him moving forward.  She was neglectful with their children, she was engaging in parental alienation, and she made false allegations... .with those kinds of behaviors she made it pretty easy to detach.

Add to that his feeling of freedom and of working himself back to his baseline authentic self, living a more honest life and creating stability for his children... .all positive motivators. He also received a ton of support from his family in making the decision to leave... .positive reinforcement.

His ex by her own actions has brought ruin and destruction to all of her relationships and her own life.  The sad but all to common story for someone with BPD.

Panda39

[Harley Quinn]

1.  Maintaining no contact.  The longer I can, the stronger I feel.
2.  Enjoying my career and being ambitious again.  My ex was always intimidated by and jealous of my success, so I downplayed it a lot.  I missed opportunities to avoid triggering him.  No more of that.
3.  Connecting with guy friends and coworkers without dread or guilt that he'll be triggered by jealousy.
4.  Leaving my phone behind.  Such a relief to go outside in my garden or out with my friends or whatever and not feel like I'm constantly expected to respond to a text or a phone call.
5.  All the usual self-care.  Going to the gym.  Taking care of things around my house.
6.  Writing in my journal and reading old entries.  Helps so much to process my feelings.

Starfire, I can relate a lot to your list.  Especially where you speak of finding enjoyment, feeling stronger, and the relief you feel at that sense of newfound freedom to do as you please and be comfortable with that.  It sounds like you're making great progress!  Keep up the great work!

Love and light x

[Turkish]

I didn't really believe it when I first came here,  but time.

It takes too much energy being sad and angry for so long, though feeling those emotions are a necessary stage. As a child of BPD, we find it hard to validate ourselves. 

I can't not mention that my ex's marriage imploding didn't help me either.  A lot of us never see that though.  Even so,  I was prepared to wolf up and parent with my kids' step-dad, even if he was my "replacement" so maybe I was on my way given both time and accepting life as it was.  Embracing Radical Acceptance?

[Sirnut]

Get on with doing things that are worth doing, independently of her.

Delete all her photos from my phone.

[blooming]

Talking with friends and family about our relationship and hearing time and time again that he was the one with a problem and that it's not my fault and that he wasn't good for me. Because I have difficulty seeing that myself.

Reading back some of the encouraging things friends have said to me when I'm feeling down.

Not initiating contact

Trying to see my friends as much as possible

Being alone as little as possible

Exercising

Blocking some of his social media pages on my computer and phone so I can't look at them

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HQ,

It helps when I take responsibility for my own issues, and let go of any responsibility for her issues.

We Nons, particularly males like me, tend to think of ourselves as repairmen, always ready with a wrench or hammer to fix whatever needs to be done.  Yet BPD is not something that we can fix.

LuckyJim

[MeandThee29]

Facing reality.

Mine charms and discards over-and-over. I'm financially dependent on him, so I have to deal. It's tiresome. If we both lived in the same state, it would be worse.

Thankfully I have friends that get it 100% and remind me to take care of myself and let him stew in his juices.

[Speck]

Hello, HQ! This is a great thread, and I've come up with the following things to help me cope with the necessary demise of my marriage:

1. Daily exercise for one hour - even if I don't want to, because, by the time I've done it, I'm glad that I have.

2. I try to get 7-8 hours of sleep every night.

3. I distract myself from thinking about my uBPDxw (on a constant mind-loop down memory lane) by listening to audiobooks while I do tedious home-improvement projects.

4. I call a best friend every week without fail, or he calls me to check in. We go to dinner once a month, taking turns choosing restaurants. He's a wise, old friend and I've known him for 17 years.

5. I participate in this forum. Doing so helps me not feel so alone, and helps me to work on my stuff.

6. I have three cats that I dote on - they are a LOT of company.

7. I make a point to eat healthy food, and only shop the outer ring of a grocery store: meat, fruits, dairy, eggs. I make my own meals, and eat out only once a month (see #4).

8. I think about future trips that I would like to take and write them down on my bucket list.

9. I have got an agreement with my uBPDxw to NEVER contact me by text ever again (because she's not responsible; plays games). Instead, she can only contact me by email to discuss topics/issues surrounding our kid or her parents. Phone contact is for dire emergencies only.

This is what I've come up with so far. What about you?


-Speck

[toomanydogs]

What a great thread.
Like others, No Contact has been crucial. It helps that STBX was the one who initiated the divorce because had I initiated, I would have had guilt to deal with, which would have prompted my contacting him to see if he was "okay." (Okay is in quotes because he was never truly okay.)
Moving/exercising. I'm not really calling what I do exercise, but I do force myself to keep moving: Keep tending horses, dogs, cats. Keep cleaning house. Keep going to Pilates (that is exercise).
Don't criticize myself for missing him.
Stand up for myself in the divorce process, even if it means I argue with my lawyer. As I've told her, she knows the law, but I know my STBX and his family.
See what I did for the past 11 years with my STBX not as a waste of my life, but an experience that has taught me a great deal. I wish I'd been able to learn in a less hurtful manner, but sometimes I'm pretty hard-headed and have to learn through experience.
Forgive. Forgive myself, my STBX, my in-laws.
Know where I want to go, what I want out of life. If I don't know what I want, how will I know when I have it?
Self-care. Self-acceptance.
Hang with friends. My kids. My grandkids.
Snuggle with the indoor animals.
TMD

[Mutt]

Ill share in the present context mostly. I have kids with my ex. I’ll just share a recent thing, my youngest had pink eye and she had been giving him drops when he was at my house his eyes were clear the whole weekend one eye was bloodshot this past Monday the teacher sent an email and she said that she thinks that he has pink Im eye, i told her that I have the medicine and I’ll follow the i try ruins and if that doesn’t help ill bring him to the doctor. His eyes were clear again I got a few emails not an excessive amount my ex demanded that I take my son to the doctor after work she didn’t ask if I was work in Saturday and I told her that by the time that I get off work there going to stop taking patients and that the office told me that now was a good time to go because it was slow. I called them to get the hours she had had my son call me asking to take him to the doctor.

She was blaming me saying that I had the week off and I didn’t care about him very black and white thinking in her emails. I just ignore that stuff the bigger picture was my son. I would have taken him the emails made me pause and think she was agressive, projecting blame shift etc... .If I rewind this back to 3, 4, 5 years ago I would feel like I’m walking on eggshells, just a dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My point is that it takes time to out your diagnosed or undiagnosed ex in the past I think that you grieve the loss, have a goal to detach from your ex and validate your experience and your feelings by sharing them here with others that get it. Helping others makes you feel better, I help here on bpdfamily, there are stressful days with the kids or the exe and volunteering here keeps me grounded. I eat three meals a day, i try to eat well, I don’t drink because I’m on Wellbutrin alcohol and Wellbutrin can cause seizures I would rather feel better from the meds were I function at 100% than have a drink, I don’t miss alcohol. I drink lots of water I don’t drink anything else other than coffee. I exercise to assuage and keep the depression and anxiety at a manageable level. On a scale of 1 to 10 my anxiety is at a 3 today it was a 9.

It helps with my self esteem I’ve always had low esteem in a scale of 1 to 10 it’s an 8 today. Exercise makes me feel tired at night I sleep better whereas I used to ruminate before sleep and have insomnia absolutely horrible experience if you’ve had insomnia. I have my girlfriend that at one point when I was a newbie and senior member I thought that I’d never have a gf again, I turn to her for support, I also talk to my mom for support and to another long time member that’s a close.

I grew up in an invalidating home it was hard for me to open up, what I learned from this board is that not everyone are going to treat me horribly like my father or my exuBPDw. When you take good care of yourself it attracts people with similarities and it also attracts the people that will take advantage of you because they want something from which cannot acquire for themselves at that time. I trust the good people in my life I open up to them I don’t keep it all stuffed in and i keep the bad people as far away from me with boundaries. I got braces last week because I wanted to fix my teeth because it will help with my esteem and before that I built my body. Ill buy myself some nice dress clothes to feel better. My advice would be take care of yourself wen you take the focus off of your ex and out that focus squarely on you, practice self care you’ll see change. Next on the agenda is changing career paths  

[Harley Quinn]

Wow everyone, some great replies here!  Thanks for everybody's input. 

This is what I've come up with so far. What about you?

Thanks for asking Speck.  OK, well I'd no longer call myself detaching now and here are some of the things I did that helped me to get to this point (in no particular order):

* Turning my focus onto myself and my son.

* Strength training and some hardcore cardio.

* Eating healthy food and sleeping as much as I needed to - which was a lot after being kept awake for what felt like eons... .

* Being clear with my ex that I wanted no further contact between us and keeping to that boundary on myself.

* Working with my domestic abuse advocate and attending a 12 week recovery programme for victims.

* Forgiving myself for my mistakes and forgiving him for the things that he had done which had left me feeling traumatised. 

* Writing down my thoughts and feelings when I felt compelled to.

* Practising gratitude.

* Reading and posting here.  Paying attention to others who had walked the same path ahead of me.

* Rediscovering things I love to do, learning how to do new things and having new experiences. 

* Acknowledging my codependency and taking myself for a psych evaluation which led to the therapy which I've now commenced.

* Getting support from my GP, who prescribed me antidepressant/anti anxiety medication and referred me to an 'art on prescription' programme, where I now study visual arts and photography.  I have also taken pottery classes and horticulture there.

* Counselling at a women's centre. 

* Re connecting with friends and family whom I'd kept at arm's length during the r/s (which was very isolating).  Being open about what I had experienced and with select individuals talking about how I was coping.

* Taking a refresher 8 week mindfulness course and renewing my practice.

* Having a long hard look at myself and my r/s history and becoming clear in my mind of what I want the future to look like.  Holding onto that intention and actively seeking ways to move things in the right direction.  Taking control and making changes in and for myself.

* Renewing my interest in personal growth and taking workshops to expand on my knowledge and practice.

* Putting goals and plans in place including networking to acquire a place on a mindfulness teaching course.

* Making changes to my environment at home to take back ownership of my space and create a sanctuary that I can relax in.

I hope that something in the many great replies in this thread will prompt somebody who feels lost in their pain to try something today that can help them on this very difficult journey.  There is no one size fits all, which is why I felt it would be good to compile some of the things that are working for us and also to celebrate what we achieve for ourselves in our own healing.  Keep them coming folks!

Love and light x 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Harley, Wow, what a terrific list!     Your list is like a refresher course, so thank you for compiling.

LuckyJim

[lighthouse9]

One thing I haven't seen much of on here, which really has worked for me, is getting an idea of what I'm up against. For a while there, I was lurking on some different forums for folks w/BPD and folks living w/Bipolar Disorder. Hearing people describe what they were feeling and struggling with really helped me hear some of the things my wife was starting to express, especially some of the hurtful stuff. When I would hear this stuff from her, it came loaded with expectation and disappointment (on my end). For some reason, hearing other people say these things just gave me more empathy  and compassion, maybe because they weren't the ones hurting me with their actions. That helped me put things in perspective and say "she's doing the best she can, but it's not enough for me right now."

I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but the perspective helped for my very logical brain and helped me see how much I just couldn't fix this.

I've done all kinds of other things that people have mentioned (focusing on myself, getting back in my body through exercise, rekindling hobbies), but I wanted to throw this one out there, too. Getting back to "me" and knowing that I can't fix this has been a good equation for detachment for me.

[bananas2]

Thanks for great thread, HQ. Such good feedback already. 

I'm pretty new to the "detaching" phase (3 mos), but I'm actively working on moving forward. Some things that have been helping me:
- Making changes to make my home "mine" instead of "ours." - Reclaiming my bed by sleeping on whatever side I please instead of instinctively sleeping on "my" side, taking down all the pictures of us, & sitting in "his" chair at the table when I eat dinner.
- Meeting with friends/family at locations that I always considered "ours."
- Eating meals at whatever time I please instead of working around his schedule.

Next on my "to do" list: Stop idealizing the r/s by going back through my old posts to read how abusive he was and to remember the near-constant chaos he created in our r/s.

I had a 38-year normal, loving, stable relationship with the love of my life.  She died at age 59 of illness. I miss her everyday.
Four years later I got involved with my UBPD ex for over a year. 
As hurtful as detaching from that relationship still is, I conjure up memories of my past life and realize what love is supposed to be. 
I guess I should be thankful that she was the one who ended it.  God knows how long I might have tried to tough it out.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.
As for your r/s with your UBPD ex, I relate so much to being the one who got "dumped." I might also have tried far too long to tough it out.

[Harley Quinn]

Next on my "to do" list: Stop idealizing the r/s by going back through my old posts to read how abusive he was and to remember the near-constant chaos he created in our r/s.

Thanks bananas2,

You've got a good handle on taking back charge of your life and your space.  It sounds like you've pushed yourself outside of your comfort zone too and I hope you've found this empowering.  We can surprise ourselves with our own strength at times.  Your idea above is a really great one.  Too often we go into a sort of amnesia about the dysfunction and only remember the good parts and things we miss about our ex.  Going back through your posts (and in my case it was re reading the lists I'd written of things that had been traumatic for me) is a smart move when these moments come up.  Good going!

Love and light x

[bananas2]

Something else I've found that has helped me: Reading and re-reading this article:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

It's definitely helping me to put things in perspective. 

[Harley Quinn]

I would agree that it's a great article!  Thanks for sharing the link for others to find.  This was like a yardstick for me whilst I was recovering.  Knowing which of the 10 beliefs that can keep us stuck applied to me allowed me to do the work to one by one jettison them and move forwards in my detaching.  Glad you're finding it helpful bananas2.

Love and light x

[spero]

Hey everyone,   oh wait... .that's me on autopilot   

Anyway jokes aside, I'd thought i just chime in and share what has been helpful as a process for me.

Firstly, i'll write *disclaimer* that what i'll write here on, which has been helpful for me, is a personal opinion and may perhaps not be reflective or representative how others approach "detachment". So here goes... .I suppose for myself, the heart is usually the last to move on. I am very well able to break down the events on an intellectual level, analyse the behaviour of my uBPDex and my own behaviour(s)

Detachment, is perhaps part of a greater process of bereavement and "grief and loss". How does one acknowledge that "its over"? and essentially move on with life? I think it first starts with acknowledgement, that the relationship is... infact, over. Many of us would go through the "bargaining" phase of what ifs and perhaps even trying to find reasons as to why it didn't work out... and well perhaps hope that it would at this point in time. I think there are several valuable lessons on the right bar (five stages of detachment) Its really okay, so take your time and be kind yourself. Some people take more time, and some people take lesser. Don't pressure yourself to move on or heal. It never works.

Now, for the personal part. I don't know how many of you would struggle with "giving yourself permission to grief". I deal with what some would call "delayed grief", and therefore my grief process is usually slow. (I am half a year into my detachment process) and so, i'd say something important is to give yourself permission to grief and have compassion on yourself. Also, know that perhaps not everyone would understand you, so don't beat yourself up or get frustrated if that happens.

Having said that, don't isolate yourself during this process. Surround yourself with friends and positive people. If you can afford to, take a break from what you're doing, give yourself space to slow down. Don't slow down all the way to zero, sometimes in doing so, we actually tip into depression. I was careful not to do that and i intentionally and diligently kept my routines. You don't always have to talk about it immediately, i chose to keep a little journal, just as an outlet to express how i feel, and perhaps reflect on why i had allowed myself to be in such a relationship.

This, perhaps which is the most unorthodox and perhaps sometimes the hardest thing to do is, to forgive yourself, forgive your ex-partner, (those two were surely difficult for me) and perhaps even to the extent of wishing them well ( in your heart ) and letting go. I've seen people who've let their heart grow cold and stiff. My friends, hate will not heal you, as cliche as it may sound. I've been there so,Letting bitterness poison your heart is the last thing you'd like to do. It will not only poison your own heart, you might even become toxic to those around you.

I'd like to share an article which isn't directly related but it provided a more holistic perspective about why i was still missing my ex knowing that she was toxic and our relationship was unhealthy as a kind of postmortem. Thought Catalog: The real son why breakups are emotoinally devasting

I'll probably pause here. Thoughts and comments are surely welcomed.

Cheers,
Spero

[Harley Quinn]

Thank you Spero for your reply. You've taken a really thoughtful approach to your detaching and I'm sure others will find your experience helpful. Thanks for sharing with us.

Love and light x

[Husband321]

A. Speaking to a therapist

B. https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/books/grief-recovery-handbook

The above book that also had exercises.

C. Speaking to HER ex husband.  (Same exact thing happened to both of us)

D. Low contact seemed to be better than no contact for me.

Many things my therapist just said that clicked.  More or less that no matter who I was , or what I did, what my wife wants in life and in a mate changes daily. Basically realizing there was not much I could do any differently.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Husband,

The book sounds helpful.  Was there any particular exercise which you found was especially effective for you?

Love and light x

[blueblue12]

Great insights from all, thank you!

For me:
-great T who showed me the way forward

-realising that I did my best

-rediscovering my life, I was lost in the situation, always looking after someone’s daily needs

-realising that there is nothing wrong with me, I was blinded, gaslighted constantly

-as my t rightly put it “you are not the mechanic, the relationship has to have two working cars!”

-realising that I took a lot of abuse, did not deserve it and should not have accepted it

-keeping nc, don’t want anything to do with her any longer, it wasn’t healthy and I do not want to get back there

-living a good life as a good person that I am

-rediscovering good friends that I lost along the way

-spending time with my son without the constant guilt inflicted

-now trying to connect with new people, not looking at serious relationships at this stage, she ruined that for me for the time being, one day... .

[Dunder]

Create a post-relationship reality that your expwBPD is not a part of. My relationship ended in April, 2015. It was spring. I built a new garden in my yard. I literally watered that garden with my tears. That garden exists today. She'll never know that garden.

I've gone on to create other new things in my life. I speak a third language now: she'll never hear me speak in that language.

I've traveled to new places.

I've had new experiences.

I've changed as a person because I've continued to grow and evolve and age.

I've created a post relationship reality, and she is irrelevant to that reality.

I've detached. I've healed.