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Author Topic: She is upset that I am getting better  (Read 349 times)
Dayla

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« on: April 23, 2018, 10:21:46 AM »

I need advice! I am recovering from a devastating injury to myself (one that came as a result of my uBPDgf rage). I have had to depend on her during my recovery. Couldn't drive, work etc. I have recently gotten better and have been trying to get a car. Also, have been getting my credit together and so on. In the process of me getting a car she constantly gets angry that I am not doing it her way. She says I am disrespecting her by not doing what she suggests which means I am disregarding anything she says and am saying screw her in my mind and am secretly plotting to leave her once I get myself back on Good footing. She finds every way to attack me for "not doing what she says".

I'm starting to feel like the book author in misery! I love her to bits but, I have begun building myself esteem and standing my ground to her on a lot of issues and trying to learn how to set boundaries and so on. This all translates to her that I am leaving and for that I must be punished.

She brings up things from days, weeks, months ago that only happened in her mind and holds me accountable for them. I try to end circular arguments and she calls that manipulation.

She may be afraid because I am going to get my own apartment. I understand her fear but I currently pay 80-90% of her bills but, she won't put my name on the lease and kicks me out when we do argue (I try my best not to she is masterful and getting an argument) though I have gotten way better at diffusing them. I have been kicked out at 2 in the morning in sub freezing temps.

I love her and am trying to be here with her and for her but, she refuses to get help for her issues. What can I do?
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isilme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2018, 10:55:57 AM »

The fear of abandonment is being triggered, both by making your own decisions and also by becoming healthier physically, financially, and mentally/emotionally and growing independence.   

Excerpt
she refuses to get help for her issues. What can I do?

You have to keep doing what you've been doing.  Sometimes, the only way to communicate that we aren't abandoning them is to simply ride it out and give them time to see, we are not abandoning them.  You can't do anything about her getting help  -it's not uncommon for pwBPD to never admit they need help, seek out help, or accept anything told to them during therapy.  It seems to take an exceptional therapist and a very open-minded, self-honest pwBPD to make "help" work.  So focus less on what she does or doesn't do as far as getting help - in fact, try to radically accept it may never happen, and just be very happy if it ever does.

Words are cheap on both sides - they distrust our words especially if our words don't match their emotions, and their words are based on a feelings=facts mindset, which means things shift like quicksand. 

Your actions need to show that you can love her, care about her, not abandon her, and still be healthy and independent.  Your independence feels very invalidating to her.  Are there things you can do to show steady affection without being enmeshed into each other?
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Dayla

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2018, 01:39:53 PM »

I bought her a foot bath. She is diabetic and is extremely sensitive about her feet so I draw her a foot bath sometimes when she gets off work. I take her to the casino sometimes as well to help her unwind. We do a lot together so other than gift giving. And those things I mentioned before I don't know.
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isilme
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2714



« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2018, 04:49:31 PM »

If you feel like still doing some of those things, keep doing them.  I have found with my H words seem to penetrate very little, unless he wants to try to brown bet me with them, but consistent actions seem to go a long way. 
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Dayla

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2018, 09:42:07 AM »

The situation is getting worse. She is currently guilt tripping me for wanting to buy a car from a particular dealer. She has deemed him a jerk and has expressed that I would be disloyal to her if I buy the car from him. She has compared me negotiating with him to an me having an ex girlfriend who I can't let go of. She wants to control the situation. I really need my own car, the deal is set and I keep feeling like I need her per.ission to buy it. I need a car and at the same time I am so tired of being vilified. I don't want to have to deal with a rage over buying something I need... .I am just tired... .the smallest changes are the biggest hurdles when it comes to her... .I am at a loss
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