Love: the misplaced

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I find myself here for some reason. Two+ years since my divorce, with kids I am still in constant contact.
Somehow, I seem to have forgotten love.

My first relationship--13 years of very little conflict. We respected each other; put each other's consideration before making decision. Laugh, played and traveled. There were a few little niggles and I let that one go. It was love, especially in the term of a partnership. I knew at the time--call if FoO problems on my end or just being scared; I ended it.

Fast forward, and the 5 1/2 years with a BPDex. It felt all wrong. Then it ended predictable. I've gone through a ton of healing in 2 1/2 years since our relationship. And yet I find myself saying under my breath, "I love you" to this thought of this person. It has been becoming more pervasive the last 6 months. I know it isn't love, some weird attachment I can't seem to let go. My quiet voice says it is love. I think it has to do with my mother--a lot of the same patterns. I do not like my mother, or at least her personality. Some ways, I think this is me trying to resolve that relationship. I just don't know why I have been struggling with it lately. Perhaps because my mother almost died from heart disease. My mind says it is not love, but my inner voice keeps saying it.

Just 2 cents.

[tryingsome]

I find myself here for some reason. Two+ years since my divorce, with kids I am still in constant contact.
Somehow, I seem to have forgotten love.

My first relationship--13 years of very little conflict. We respected each other; put each other's consideration before making decision. Laugh, played and traveled. There were a few little niggles and I let that one go. It was love, especially in the term of a partnership. I knew at the time--call if FoO problems on my end or just being scared; I ended it.

Fast forward, and the 5 1/2 years with a BPDex. It felt all wrong. Then it ended predictable. I've gone through a ton of healing in 2 1/2 years since our relationship. And yet I find myself saying under my breath, "I love you" to this thought of this person. It has been becoming more pervasive the last 6 months. I know it isn't love, some weird attachment I can't seem to let go. My quiet voice says it is love. I think it has to do with my mother--a lot of the same patterns. I do not like my mother, or at least her personality. Some ways, I think this is me trying to resolve that relationship. I just don't know why I have been struggling with it lately. Perhaps because my mother almost died from heart disease. My mind says it is not love, but my inner voice keeps saying it.

Just 2 cents.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey trying some, Let's look at the reasons you cite for bringing you back here, OK?
First, you say that you've "forgotten about love."  Does that mean you are lonely?  Looking to find someone new to date or have a r/s with?  Fill us in.
Second, you cite to your first 13-year r/s (were you married?) which you ended apparently, for unspecified reasons involving your FOO or fears.  What FOO issues?  What fears?  13 years is a long time.
Lastly, you mention 5 1/2 years with your BPDx (were you married?), before it ended in what you describe as "predictable" fashion.  How did things end?  That's a fairly long r/s, too.  Again you go back to your FOO, particularly your Mother, as far as the patterns.  What patterns?  You mention that you don't like your Mother, yet you are concerned because she almost died from heart disease?
Fill us in and maybe we can help you sort through all of this.

LuckyJim

[tryingsome]

First, you say that you've "forgotten about love."  Does that mean you are lonely?  Looking to find someone new to date or have a r/s with?  Fill us in.

I think I am a bit lonely. I have tried dating a bit here and there. Dates go well, but I guess I am scared. I usually don't follow up. I think I am too afraid to invest and get to know the person. Just seems to easier to be alone. Granted, I have always been comfortable being alone. More FOO there I believe.

Second, you cite to your first 13-year r/s (were you married?) which you ended apparently, for unspecified reasons involving your FOO or fears.  What FOO issues?  What fears?  13 years is a long time.

We met in college. Married 7 of the 13 years. She came from a stable family. No real issues-- somethings like difference in sex drive and she did not want children. She has gone on to remarry and she actually has a kid. We have a lot of similar friends and run into each other on various occasions. I think we were more like friends--still a very strong bond when we were together. I am happy for her these days and glad she has found someone that works well with her. She is very practical. At times I feel a tinge of guilt at the end of the relationship just cause I might have been creating conflict where there was none. But I am at a good place with that relationship and so is she.

Lastly, you mention 5 1/2 years with your BPDx (were you married?), before it ended in what you describe as "predictable" fashion.  How did things end?  That's a fairly long r/s, too. 

It wasn't a relationship I really wanted to be in, it was kind of antagonist from the beginning. She became pregnant 3 months in, and I was determined to make it work or at least put my best foot forward. The last year was tough. She kept mentioning I was going to abandon her. Came to a head during Christmas where she said I would leave her like her father did (also during Christmas). She started becoming emotionally attached to a guy at work. Spending late nights with him and confronted her at his house saying I don't think I could do this anymore. New Years (our anniversary) was our last day. Afterwards she went after me through her lawyer and whatnot--smear campaigns, lies etc. Sorry, just glossing over everything. I actually had to get my first wife to attest to my character during the divorce. She is with the person from her work to this day--though that isn't a big deal necessarily to me (he is probably a nice guy).

Again you go back to your FOO, particularly your Mother, as far as the patterns.  What patterns?  You mention that you don't like your Mother, yet you are concerned because she almost died from heart disease?
Fill us in and maybe we can help you sort through all of this.

My mother is not a very nice person. I remember her getting into a screaming with a cashier for 2 hours one time. Or the knives and whatnot between her and step-father; broken doors etc. Violence wise, my sister and myself were not harmed physically, but often put in the middle to choose sides. I was very peace-keeper oriented back then. I have come a long way since then and have some pretty good boundaries. Though maybe being a little over protective of myself as not getting out there and dating much.

Anyhow, what gets me now is the whisper I say to myself when I think of my Ex. A weird "I love you" moment when the thought of her comes up. It's hard at times with her, I can tell when she is having problems with her boyfriend or in life. She reaches out. One time we seemed close to rekindling a relationship but I think I was cognizant enough to back away (nothing happened). It's like a constant tide. She reaches out with the children as a guise. When things are really bad for her she comes up and kisses the back of my neck. At times, when I know she is happy in her relationship I try to kiss her. I get predictably rejected. I like to pretend I am in control, like I am pushing her away. It's hard cause I have the kids 50/50. I get why she contacts me. Sometimes it is just about the kids--sometimes it is more. I rarely reach out to her.

I feel I am detached on a mental level-- just some weird thing in the last 6 months emotionally I can't pin down. It is like I want her to love me fully unlike my mother.

[gotbushels]

tryingsome  

Lastly, you mention 5 1/2 years with your BPDx (were you married?), [... .] How did things end? [... .]

It wasn't a relationship I really wanted to be in, it was kind of antagonist from the beginning. She became pregnant 3 months in, and I was determined to make it work or at least put my best foot forward. The last year was tough.

Pregnancy in a relationship (I'm guessing before marriage) seems really tough to go through as a guy--there's a lot of questions about responsibility. Well done on seeing you were determined to make it work and put your best foot forward.  

Anyhow, what gets me now is the whisper

I think this is a good place to look first. Sometimes things nag us--they can be a way of us trying to communicate with ourselves.

... .
Granted, I have always been comfortable being alone. More FOO there I believe.

OK.

Second, you cite to your first 13-year r/s (were you married?) which you ended apparently, for unspecified reasons involving your FOO or fears.  What FOO issues?  What fears?  13 years is a long time.

We met in college. [... .]
But I am at a good place with that relationship and so is she.

OK. I noticed you didn't bring up the FOO issues.

But now I think you're getting somewhere;

I feel I am detached on a mental level-- just some weird thing in the last 6 months emotionally I can't pin down. It is like I want her to love me fully unlike my mother.

I think it has to do with my mother--a lot of the same patterns.

[sister and tryingsome] often put in the middle to choose sides. I was very peace-keeper oriented back then.

Maybe you're looking for the affection, safety, and support that you didn't feel you received when you were younger. Some children don't have to so often play peacekeeper. Some children are allowed to play without a violent environment.   Sometimes things that happen when we're 0-15 years old can come up at ages 20-70. If that's true for you then I want to share that I think it's OK.  

I have come a long way since then and have some pretty good boundaries. ... .

On the plus side, there are children that embroil in a conflict into their adult lives. You seem well away from that and there are some boundaries there.  

... .I can tell when she is having problems with her boyfriend or in life.

Recall that it's often easier for people to pick up emotional cues of a BPex--usually because of heightened empathy or enmeshment. While this makes you more vulnerable to entanglement, I think it's also a good thing after detachment because you're probably not on the dull end of sensitivity.  

She reaches out. ... .
I think I was cognizant enough to back away ... .
It's like a constant tide.
She reaches out ... .

Grasping a hand that reaches out is your choice. You don't always have to take it.

I'm getting the feeling that you're going through quite a lot of issues right now. What really helps is to have self care, a support network, or a T. Have you got at least one of these?

[Lucky Jim]

I feel I am detached on a mental level-- just some weird thing in the last 6 months emotionally I can't pin down. It is like I want her to love me fully unlike my mother.

Now you're getting somewhere, tryingsome.  I suspect that the lack of maternal affection is a wound you suffered in the past that is affecting you in the present.  Can you think of ways to explore this issue, in order to put it behind you?

LuckyJim

[tryingsome]

Thank you all for the updates and support. I am lucky, I do have a very good support system, good friends that go back 20+ years. I have learned to lean on them during my relationship breakup 2 years ago, and truly understood the impact they have on my life. I see them regularly and as far as support I feel I am in a good spot.

As for core wounds and addressing--well I have been spending more time with my mother since her health concern scare. It's helped in some ways, I have learned a slight acceptance to her character. I feel like we will never connect--but I know she is there and cares (though a slightly stunted fashion). I think it is hard the parallelism with my BPDex. It is a growing period for me for certain, I am still struggling what that means exactly or how it feels. My mother wants me to be a tour guide for her and her BF to Italy as I have been a few times. I am still contemplating this.

I am happy to report I have slow regaining my creative knack, it was missing for the better part of 2 years. I felt like that side had dried up in me, but I am starting creative projects again which is good. I feel however, they are different--a little more forced and not as carefree. I think that is my current state of my inner feeling at the moment. Thanks all.

[gotbushels]

Thank you all for the updates and support. I am lucky, I do have a very good support system, good friends that go back 20+ years.

I am happy to report I have slow regaining my creative knack, it was missing for the better part of 2 years. ... .

Fabulous.

I feel however, they are different--a little more forced and not as carefree. I think that is my current state of my inner feeling at the moment.

If that's how you feel, I think that's okay. I think creativity requires some willpower and a bit of discipline--so you aren't alone in that idea. Dancing--which strikes me as a creative activity--has been spoken of as "totally governed by ritual". Rituals to me often involve some willpower and discipline--so this idea of 'total governance' was news to me.

As for core wounds and addressing ... .

I have learned to lean on them during my relationship breakup 2 years ago, and truly understood the impact they have on my life. I see them regularly and as far as support I feel I am in a good spot.

 tryingsome you've said you feel you've a good support system. To share a little, I do have things I share with friends--I also have things that are related to my childhood and family that I don't share with the majority of them. I don't share some of those things with my closest long-term friends too.

While I do think good friends are valuable--I think there's still a lot of insight a T can give; so I'll share that it's still good to consider one. Knowing how to work with BPD, having some background about consequences of it for partners, and difficult childhoods are specialties of some Ts--therefore they can make the working-through process significantly easier. E.g., I wouldn't know head from tail about why dreams and psychoanalysis would be relevant to me. So that's where the T could be beneficial for you.

Whatever you consider, I hope you're enjoying your peace.