Not doing well...myself. Looking for someone to talk to.

[Hope66]

It has been a couple of weeks since I last posted and I can't say they have been fun. Quick summery of "Me"

I have an adult D with BPD (just recently diagnosed after an overdose at Easter). My husband and I have had guardianship of her 2 children 6yo & 11yo,for the last 2 years. I am off work on long term disability (LTD). I had spinal surgery summer of 2016 and I have spinal cord damage. My 6yo grandson is waiting to see a developmental pediatrician because we think he has Autism. My D just left to visit friends in the States for a month. (must be nice to go on vacation). The little guy is in school and has occupational therapy and counselling every week. My granddaughter has just finished counselling and I just completed a course through our Mental Health Center on the "Circle of Security" to help me and the kids develop a strong base to give them the emotional support they need to to grow up resilient to life's hardships. I have signed up for a caregivers course for families of persons with mental health issues. (it starts the end of Sept) The lady that runs it said she will meet with me a few times and work on setting boundaries.
But... .
I am a mess. Really! I know I am doing everything I can but I am all done in. The kids are having a hard time with their mom leaving "again". They both have security issues around their mom's absences. My anxiety is running a muck. I cry at the drop of a hat and I feel like it takes EVERYTHING I have to hold it together until the kids go to bed. Night time is the worst (no distractions). I feel totally overwhelmed and jumpy. I was woken up at 3 am, yesterday, stuck in a total anxiety / catastrophising attack. My mind going to every "worse case scenario" of all the things I had done wrong. Physically it runs like a very bad flu, shaking, sweating, vomiting. This is me when the stress finally gets to be too much. Doesn't happen often but when it does it leaves me wore out and very vulnerable.

I'm just tired and need to get this all out of my system. I am so hurt and angry at her and life and all of this. I want a happy stable life, with happy stable kids and grand kids that come visit me for sleepovers and bake cookies. Instead I have 2 adult kids struggling with mental health, I'm now raising 2 more. I have my own mental  and physical health issues. I need a break but can't seem to figure out how to get it.

Thanks for listening. <3 got to go because I need more tissues <3

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

     Hi Hope66,

               Just read your post. Wow, so sorry you are in such a spot. And yea you sound worn out. I just posted the same thing myself this morning. A little back ground, I'm 60 my BPDD is 35, I'm raising my grandson who is 6. Both of them are on the Autism spectrum, my JJ has only been verbal for about a year and half. He also has ADHD. So please know I understand your weariness.
              We step up as parents, we raise our grandkids, out of love. We search for answers, educate ourselves and run ourselves ragged. Like you, most of us also have our own issues; be they medical, physical, mental or whatever. Not that I've found any yet, I've not met a super parent. I totally hear you on the needing a brake. I work full time in and out of my house. I get 15 minutes of peace of silence driving to and from work. Other than that forget it. I come here to vent get support and understanding because I know without a doubt everyone here really does understand, they are living the same thing.
         Finding that piece of getting a break is so hard, not sure what that looks like since I've haven't been able to find it for myself yet. I send you hope and hugs     For myself I take solace in the fact that I know my JJ is going to have a loving growing up time in his life. I look forward to the day when he will be able to appreciate it. It still makes e sad that I will never have that from my daughter.     Take care of yourself 66

[Huat]

Hi Hope66.  Just re-read your last post and I am wanting to reach out and give you a much-needed hug   and hoping today is a brighter day for you.

Although none of our stories are exactly the same, there are similarities as evidenced in Bluek9's wonderful response to this current post of yours.

I'm thinking of the two of you and want to say that I am glad you are both here.

Keep posting... .keep using this venue to vent and let off some of that built up steam.

Huat  

[Mutt]

Hi Hope66,

  I'm sorry that you're going through this. You're a very caring grandmother if your getting your grandchildren checked and following up with counselling. An important aspect when we have a pwBPD in our lives is self care because we can burn candle at both ends. What do you do for self care? Can your H give you a break?

[Lollypop]

Hi hope66

  I so wish I could sit down at your kitchen table with you and have a cup of tea or coffee. That’s just not possible but we do have this forum. I’m just waking up on a Sunday morning having a cuppa and I hope when you read this you do too and I hope it’s in your most favourite cup.

I know you’ve got a whole heap of troubles and I’d be in a mess too. I hope you’re able to be kind to yourself about this. We are all only human and not some super power fixer character that can and does everything with the wave of a hand. Would be good though, wouldn’t it?  I used to dream of this, then reality would hit and the only thing I could think of was to book a one way ticket out - sadly, I couldn’t do that either.

You’re dealing with so many issues and trying to cope, it’s no wonder you feel like you do. You obviously love each and every one of your family and with that comes the heavy load of responsibility,

I don’t have any answers for you but I can say that whilst you’re much stronger than you think you are, you also do need to take better care of yourself. For you to get through this, you and your own mental health has to come first, even if it means somebody else’s needs aren’t immediately met.

Somehow, someway there’s a path for you to find a better balance in your life.

It starts with small things - try and do something just for yourself today. Even if it’s just stepping out and breathing in that air and listening to some birds. Lie down on that ground if it helps - careful getting up with that bad back though  

Allow yourself a time for a good old cry. Nothing needs to be done today, not really. Gather a little strength and make a decision - even if that decision is to do nothing, change nothing for now to gather more strength. To work on better boundaries and more support for yourself does take time. Baby steps.

I wouldn’t be without my pretend big girly boots. At times when I know I’m weak, indecisive or a mess I put them on after a good cry. In my mind, they are outrageous, pink with tassels. It may sound silly but for me they help me. They help me kick past the troubles in my mind. I don’t have to think about everything all at once, my choice to have a less worrisome day.

Hugs. I hope you’ve had a good nights sleep.

LP





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[heartandwhole]

Hi Hope66,

I’m so sorry that things are so overwhelming right now, and have been for quite some time. That is a LOT to deal with. You’ve come to the right place to talk it out.  . We’re listening, and we care.

I would like to echo something Lollypop mentioned: what can you do for YOU today? Even 10 minutes in the garden, a park, or by the window, taking deep breaths and listening to the birdsong can help diminish the anxiety and carrousel of thoughts.

If you can, let those thoughts pass by, even if just for 5 minutes. Just don’t “pick them up.” You’ll see that thoughts arrive and depart on their own, and they don’t define who we are. 

Keep writing. It really helps to let it out and connect with others who understand.

heartandwhole

[wendydarling]

Hi Hope66 

How are you? We are here for you

WDx

[Hope66]

Thank you everyone for all the support. I wish we could have tea too Lollypop. Well she has now been gone 2 and half weeks. We have talked a little so I know she is ok. Talking involves her needing something. That is our only communication right now, but I'm good with that. The kids are upset that she will not be here for Mother's Day but I said we would make gifts and cards and have a "Mother's Day" for her when she gets back. The 6 yo is good with that the 11 yo girl, is hurting. I have spent some extra 1 on 1 time with her to let her know I am here and I will always be here for her. I'm personally doing better. Those attacks don't usually last more then a few days... .about the time my psyche realizes that the sky is not falling and catches up to my rational side that has been saying that all along, it takes a few days. Then I put on my big girl boots (Lollypop I'm going on a hunt for some. LOL) and get on with life. Today was a good day. I got a lot done in clearing junk out of the basement. The physical work and the satisfaction of cleaning that stuff out today was awesome.
Then she texted, she needed me to call Bell because she is having issues retrieving her voice mail on her cell. I did what I could and left the rest in her hands. She is down there playing house with someone else's kids. Pisses me right off. She went out of her way to order and have shipped and expensive stuffy for the little girl for her birthday 3 months ago and didn't even buy her own son a present for his 6th B-Day last month. We were texting and she called thru FB to save time. She is being all sweet and coloring with 2 other kids. Not asking anything about her own and then... .She has them calling her mommy... .Wow seriously she has been there just over 2 weeks. She does this every time we get help started... She runs away, finds a guy and plays house for a bit. (Thank The Lord Above, she can't have anymore!) I am so angry at her right now. I stopped talking during our conversation and just answered her direct questions bcz I had 3 kids running around me (playdate for grandson). I said I had to go. I asked her during our call when she would be back home. ... .She said mid to the end of June! She was supposed to be back the end of May! ("but the little girl she is with needs her. She has to wear an eye patch for 6 weeks and her babysitter is too busy with other kids to take care of her properly" BPDD tells me. I so, had to get off that call before I said something I couldn't take back. Then after I sipped my tea and got all the boys paper and markers to play. I took a few minutes outside sweeping the porch and walk way to ground myself. I come back in to 2 new texts... " you realize the (the guy) and I are in a relationship right? And have been since Jan"
The grass is always greener for her. She is in the "honeymoon stage" of her "new" relationship. It won't last, because her BPD will come out and her relationships fall apart.
I got to run and make dinner. TTYAL.     

[Huat]

Hello again, Hope66 .

I am so glad to read that you have guardianship of those precious grandchildren of yours.  That is not a battle you have to face.  You know they are in safe, loving environment. 

I am so glad to read that you are being pro-active.  Your words... ."I have just completed a course through our Mental Health Center on the "Circle of Security" to help me and the kids develop a strong base to give them the emotional support they need to to grow up resilient to life's hardships. I have signed up for a caregivers course for families of persons with mental health issues." Wow, wow, WOW!

Isn't it mind-boggling when you see the amount some people have put on their plates while others sail through life with just the odd hang nail?   You, Girl, you have a right to be P'd!  You got more than your share!  You make sure you hang on to some of that anger because it will help to keep you strong when decisions have to be made. 

So, Hope66, I am so glad you are here!  I hope this forum will be an important part of your support system.

I'm giving you another hug... .a ((BIG HUG).  Keep posting!

Huat