He's badly disregulated/dissociated right now, and I fear for our safety.

[BasementDweller]

Things have gotten really bad with my partner, and I'm hoping anyone who has gotten to this point can help me to get back on track. Thank you all in advance if anyone has any ideas.

Back in December, we started EFT/Couples Therapy, as that was the only thing my dBPDbf would consent to. As I had feared, the therapy sessions, which were initially going very well, with a lot of improvements between us, began to reopen a lot of old trauma wounds for him, and he started to dis-regulate quite badly over the last month or so. I was warned this could happen, both on these boards and by our T at the beginning. But I chanced it, because he finally expressed an interest in wanting some kind of help.

He started to become aggressive and verbally abusive in the last two sessions, and our therapist told him that he believed he needed to see someone who specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder, and that he could no longer counsel us together, because he feared this was putting my safety at risk, as he was becoming too distraught in the sessions. He also pointed out that he could see that my partner was purposefully provoking me, and when I began to show that I was becoming tearful or afraid - that he was smiling. He specifically said to my partner, "You look quite pleased with yourself that she is crying. You have a smile on your face. What's going on?" He got in check when he heard that, enough to say that he would go get help for his BPD, and thanked our T for his help. Later he told me that he will never go to another therapist with me again, because we "ganged up on him." However, he still likes and respects our former T, and believes I am the one who engineered all this, and it's all my fault our T "hates him". (He actually doesn't, at all. He's very worried about him, and has told me that he thinks he is actually a very lovely person with many good qualities, but that his BPD is really needing proper treatment, or these patterns will continue.)

After that day, my partner has become extremely unstable, (increasingly so) and very paranoid. He will no longer eat anything I prepare because he says he thinks I will poison him. (I have a previous culinary background, and the one thing he might have loved most about me was my cooking.) He sleeps in the basement because he says he thinks I will murder him in his sleep. He got up at 0300 this morning and put a jacket on, but was barefooted, and in his underwear, and he walked up and down the stairs several times, picked up his car keys, and started walking in circles. I asked him if he was ok, and what was he doing, and he said “I need to go get my medicine “. He started to pull his hair out a bit.

I asked him which medicine, and gently took his hand away from his head so he would stop hurting himself. He said “stomach”. The antacid tablets were right on the table in front of him. I handed them to him and he took one, then threw his jacket on the floor. They call this behavior Borderline Dissociation, I suppose, and it’s terrifying. He has no grip on reality right now. He made a thinly veiled suicide threat yesterday. (":)on't worry about me if I never come home. You're better off without me." He also told me that he called his ex wife and told her not to send the kids to us this Friday - but I do not know exactly what he told her.

He then told me that a doctor from one of the local hospitals had called her to tell her I was a violent mental patient. I quietly explained that no medical doctor worth the paper his or her degree was printed on would betray confidentiality to call a random stranger and share a patient's medical history, even if such an absurd claim WERE true. I currently work in a governmental/public health capacity, and he knows I know how the system works. I have no unstable medical/mental history, and I would not be allowed clearance for this job if I did. They do extensive background checks for the position I have. He came back to reality long enough for me to be able to see that he knew he was caught in a lie.

He then took it back, and admitted it wasn’t true, and he did not know why he said that. Tuesday night, he went to the corporate office for his job which requires an overnight stay, and took his company car. He took my car keys with him, (the ones for our private car which was here) even though he knew I needed the vehicle yesterday to shop for the family's groceries, and pick up a large package from the local post. He told me when he got home and I asked about my missing keys, that I was no longer allowed “freedom of movement”. When I asked him what he meant by this, and why did he take my keys, he appeared confused, and said he didn’t know where they were. He later accused me of stealing his house keys... .which he had in his pocket and had used shortly before to let himself in the house. I advised him to check his pocket and when he did, and felt his keys, he started to back away from me saying, "I don't feel very well right now."

This is killing me. Breaking my heart. I am in so much pain seeing what he is going through and knowing I'm the trigger. Or one of them anyway. Maybe the most important one.

Later that night, he sat beside me, turned his phone on record, and asked me if I told the police he was a rapist. He also asked if I told them he was a monster who should have his sons taken away.  (I have never said anything like that, and no, he is not.) He was trembling in the hands, and looked as if he actually believed this stuff. I am so sad and scared right now.

He has an appointment to start Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a counselor who specializes in this in May 21, but I don’t know if he will follow through. We live in a smallish European country and despite what much of the world believes, our healthcare system is a disaster. There is literally one place that offers DBT "nearby", and it's an hour away from us. The wait list to be approved to do the program is long. Suicide rates and alcoholism in this country are sky high, and both law enforcement and the healthcare system are overburdened and understaffed. Getting any help at all is impossible most of the time, and it is a bit of a nightmare even trying to navigate the system.

This is kind of a short list of the bizarre behaviors I have seen lately. I don’t know whose safety I should fear for more, his or mine.

So it has been a bit stressful. Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi BasementDweller,

I hear ya, getting medical care can be excruciatingly slow at times!

This does sound quite worrying. Keep a close eye on him and be ready to call for help, or take him to hospital, if it gets severe enough I’d say.

It was pretty touch and go while trying to get my SO to recognize he needed medication, to getting him to the doctor, more than one I think, and then him getting to the pharmacy and starting up and then the long, excruciating wait to see if any of it would make a difference. He felt so bad we could barely keep him on it until it finally began to work and he felt much better.

There are still issues to deal with, but he being more calm and in touch with reality sure has helped make life more livable!

About you? That’s tough. I felt a need to be nearby and sort of guard over him during these times, but it was also too much at times. He could be very clingy, depressed, and hopeless. You know it’s an illness, and try to depersonalize, but it is still quite a lot to bear!

Do you have a plan to keep yourself safe? You think he could harm you possibly?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Dear BD, my heart breaks for you to hear about what's going on. I have seen my uBPDw at her worst and its absolutely heart-wrenching to see someone you love so lost in their illness.

Please keep in mind that though you might sometimes be a trigger, you are in no way the cause. His illness is not your fault. Someone in such a deep state of dysregulation will take almost anything as an attack.

Empathy towards him aside, your safety is paramount above all things.

Taking away your one mode of transportation is already quite serious even if it was accidental. What do you see as some of the possible dangers to yourself? Does he have any history of physical abuse? Who is the nearest friend / relative you can call if the situation takes a more serious turn?

~ROE

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Guys -

I think I'm safe for now. He seems a little better today, but is still a bit distant and paranoid. I found out that his ex wife has actually refused to send the kids back on Friday, but there has been a court order in place for a decade that they switch off every week. There has never been abuse to the kids or conflict between us in front of them. He is very distraught because she is refusing to return them. Legally, this isn't acceptable.

She sent me some rather abusive and bullying emails today, which has never happened before. I have always gotten along with her, and never, I mean NEVER had even a minor issue with her. Maybe he told her some crazy things, I can't be sure,  but she hasn't even asked my point of view or for clarification on anything. I sent her a very brief "BIFF" letter, and she responded with a tirade, so I have stopped communication with her. She did, at the end of their relationship (12 years duration) cheat on him and leave him to marry her affair partner. She also has a history of terminating contact with clients if they upset her in any way. I never thought I would be subjected to this, from her, but I guess when it rains it pours.

I just have to ride out the storm. I don't know what he is going to do about the kids. She cannot legally withhold them from returning. He says he'll "deal with it" but I don't know what he plans to do. I am not sure if I should tell him she has sent me abusive emails, or just not respond to her and let it go. Has anyone else dealt with this? What did you do?

[BasementDweller]

Pearl, ROE,

Yes, there has been some physical abuse. Few and far between and after a police visit, and a stern warning about re-offending, he hasn't. The psychological abuse has increased, though. And now this new thing with the ex and her behavior. Really surprising as I had a good relationship with her, and she never once asked me a thing. Just sent some really bizarre accusing emails. I'm kind of at the end of my rope, and feeling utterly defeated. I'm not terribly worried about him causing me any real serious physical injury, but the psychological damage is making me feel like I'm going to snap, and maybe not recover.

[SunandMoon]

Dear BD

Your husband's behaviour sounds really scary. Almost like psychosis. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

I do hope he goes ahead with CBT, although I worry that it may dredge up even more deep feelings and possibly get worse before it gets better. I hope not. And what can you do otherwise? He obviously needs help.

I'm sorry to hear about the emails from his ex. That must have added more stress for you and I can totally understand that you're feeling like you're going to snap.

If you usually get on well, I wonder why she sent them. Something must have happened... .
I don't know what you mean by sending her a BIFF letter. I think I would have phoned her and asked her why she is acting that way. At least then, if your husband had done or said something, you would know and have the opportunity to put the truth out there.

This is a very hard situation for anyone to be in and my heart goes out to you. Please make sure you take time just for yourself, to step away and give yourself some space.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, Sun and Moon - thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. Yes, his behavior as of late has been very alarming.

Regarding the "BIFF letter" - see here:

https://www.galbraithfamilylaw.com/responding-to-hostile-mail-biff/

"BIFF" stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It's a way to address a hostile email, and address the relevant parts without getting into the drama.

In a nutshell, my dBPDbf and his ex had yet another custody row. Not once have I ever been involved in any of this, as these kids are teenagers now, and can technically make their own decisions, but she is quite controlling, and they listen to her, even if it's a bit too overbearing for kids in their relatively independent age group. Not my business at all.

For the first time ever, she send me a hostile email trying to rope me into the mess by insinuating that I was fueling the fire of their disagreement. (I have literally not said a word about it - ever. I know better.)

I wrote back a classic BIFF response, saying exactly this: "Thank you for your email, and for informing me of the change in the kids' visitation schedule. (She is illegally refusing to let them return on his visitation days. Why, I do not know.) I am not sure of the content of your discussion with (dBPDbf), but if there is anything you would like to ask me, I'd be happy to clarify anything I can. Best wishes, BD."

Her response was a very long accusatory rant about how I was taking his side and I should not be doing that, and why would I help HIM and that we are terrible people and we are being "unacceptable!". Totally irrational stuff. Then she told me that she will never speak to me again because I will probably lie to her anyway. (?) Note: The BIFF email is an almost foolproof way to give someone literally NO ammo to respond with. Anyone who can respond in such a hostile manner to a BIFF letter is typically a special brand of treacherous, and extremely high conflict.

I know maybe calling her might have been better, but I feel that would put her on the spot, especially if the call came at a bad time. I opted to email so she could think about it and reply when she was comfortable. She replied with more hostility, so I just dropped it. I won't waste my time engaging with her anymore.

She's really not my problem, though I won't be discourteous to her. Sadly, I have many times hosted her, her husband, her brother, his children, and her parents to holiday get-togethers, birthday parties, etc... I treated her and her family as if they were my own, even though she is my partner's ex. Never had an issue with that, or her.

Meanwhile the kids are still with her and my partner is upset and withdrawn. He is not really raging at me now though. I have given him his space the last few days, and today he approached me when I was out gardening, and said off the cuff, "When you speak to your friends and family and tell them I am such a horrible person, do they tell you to leave me? What do you say? And if we went to court, what would happen if the lawyers told you that you are a beautiful woman and asked what you are doing with a f#ck-up like me, what would you do?"

Whoa.

I knew what was happening there, and while it broke my heart, I just said "I cannot answer a question about a hypothetical situation that has never happened." And walked away. I wanted to reassure him, but I walked away. There is nothing to say to such a thing. If there is... .I don't know what it is.

He sighed and said after me, "I knew you'd lie!"

It seems I'm a "liar" even when I say nothing at all.

I wanted to fight back. But it never helps. I walked away. I haven't spoken to him in hours.

I'm learning that BPD is a vicious beast and it drags down everyone around it. It used to be that it was normally only me that saw his demons. Now his ex is on me, and it's maybe because he went off on her about something. I can't know for sure and asking either of them won't help, because I won't get a rational dialog.

He does need help and I hope that it works eventually. That SOMETHING helps. The resources to help people with BPD are limited. Meanwhile, at home, I have to remain calm and give him his space. I have committed myself to flat out refusing to participate in the dysregulation. If he accuses or attacks me, I walk away, leave the room, leave the house - for hours on end if need be.

I have never gotten this "hard line" with him before. But I'm out of options. I've got compassion burn-out right now.