Not Going To Visit Mom Tomorrow

[Turkish]

I had planned on taking the kids next weekend,  but I foolishly let my ex FOG me.  She wants to take the kids for some Disney exhibition for 5 hours on my Saturday next weekend.  She had her sister buy tickets,  "mistakenly" thinking it was her weekend.  The kids know.  I should have told her to eat the tickets,  but I agreed since the kids were aware of it.  So it will be three weeks after mother's day until we can drive up to the mountains to see her.  Not that she might be aware since I signed forms for my mom to be given anti-psychotropic drugs this week to hopefully stop her from yelling at fellow patients. 

I feel weak for not standing up to my ex.  I guess this is on me since I could have driven the 120 miles today, stayed with friends,  driven 40 miles to visit tomorrow then driven home.

I feel guiltily for abandoning my mother, whatever her mental state. 

I struggled with this 28 years ago when I wanted to cut all ties.  Now I feel I've done it.  I have no one except for my kids. 

[No-One]

Hi Turkish:

So it will be three weeks after mother's day until we can drive up to the mountains to see her.  Not that she might be aware since I signed forms for my mom to be given anti-psychotropic drugs this week to hopefully stop her from yelling at fellow patients.  

Perhaps you could put a positive spin on the situation.  If she isn't of a mindset that you need to see her on Mother's Day, then emphasize the positive - You will visit in 3 weeks.  If possible, make a phone call to her or send a belated card via snail mail (i.e. you and grandchildren are thinking of her and look forward to a visit in 3 weeks).

Regarding the meds, you might want to find out which meds they are giving her and then get familiar with them. I think the goal these days is to stabilize moods and not turn patients into zombies. Maybe in 3 weeks the meds might kick in enough to have a more pleasant visit (i.e. many meds take a few weeks to start working).

I feel weak for not standing up to my ex.  I guess this is on me since I could have driven the 120 miles today, stayed with friends,  driven 40 miles to visit tomorrow then driven home.  

You shouldn't feel guilty for putting your children first, even though it appears to be a set-up by your ex.  Unless there is some impact on your mom, then there is no harm from her perspective (i.e. She anticipated a visit on Mother's Day)
 

I have no one except for my kids.

You mentioned staying with friends.  They are someone important to have. Sometimes, friend are more like family that family.

Perhaps the actual Mother's Day celebration means more to you than to her. The reality is that it's not about that one day, but the collective ordinary days.  Consider calling your mom, sending a card or sending flowers or a flowering plant.  Perhaps your visit in 3 weeks will be a more pleasant visit for all, than an actual Mother's Day visit would have been.  (i.e. calmer mom & kids aren't disappointed they missed the Disney Exhibit).

[Harri]

Hi Turkish. 

I like what No-One had to say... .so yeah, what she said!  The delay in seeing your mom may be a blessing in terms of them getting the dosage and med combo correct. 

When your ex told you about the Disney exhibit, what was your gut reaction?  Is there anything you think you can do differently next time? 

I feel weak for not standing up to my ex.

I don't see you as weak and I don't think I ever will.  You could have made a different choice but you didn't.  That's okay.  You are right in the middle of change Turkish and that is a difficult place to be.  Seeing the patterns of behavior you have had or the inclinations to make certain choices takes incredible strength.  Don't take this experience and turn it around and punish yourself by calling yourself names (weak).  You are not weak. 

Where do you think your guilt comes from?  A sense of obligation?  Do you think there is regret and grief mixed in there too? 

I struggled with this 28 years ago when I wanted to cut all ties.  Now I feel I've done it.

Is it really possible to cut all ties, including emotional ties?  I ask not to challenge but to discuss and understand.

I have no one except for my kids.

My immediate instinct is to point out all the wonderful things you do have.  It is the rescuer in me and the part in me that still hurts when I look at the reality of my situation.  The fact is, the reality of your situation and mine and everyone else here hurts. 

 

[Panda39]

Hi Turkish,

Between the rock and the hard place on a emotionally loaded holiday, I don't have to tell you that isn't fun.

For what it's worth I think there was no wrong or right here.  I see it as doing what was best for your kids. Their mom was offering a special event that they would enjoy, you did a nice thing for your ex sharing your kids with her on Mother's Day when you didn't have to.

You haven't forgotten your mom and you and the kids will get up their to see her.

At the risk of being invalidating, I disagree about your definition of family.  Your kids are family for sure, through them their mother will always be family (maybe in a different way than you envisioned), your mom is your mom as complicated and as simple as that is.  You have friends that are another part of your family (particularly the "brother from another mother" you speak of so often) and then you have us the menagerie of strange critters from everywhere with whom you share so much.

You will get through today, enjoy your time with friends. 

Panda39

[Fie]

I feel weak for not standing up to my ex.

If it's any consolation, I would have done the same as you. You didn't choose 'against your mum', or 'for your ex'. You were put in a difficult situation and decided to make the best out of it, and you choose your children. It's what I would have done.

BPD put you in this situation, she's trouble and you know that. There is no perfect way to handle trouble, you did your best for your children.

I have no one except for my kids.

For what it's worth, I perfectly know how this feeling feels like. In my negative moods, I feel like that. In my positive moods, I feel that I also have my friends, the people on here, and just a lot of good things going on in my life, and who knows what to come.


Tomorrow is another day. You are a good dad. Your children come first for you, and they will always know that their dad loves them.

[Learning2Thrive]

Tomorrow is another day. You are a good dad. Your children come first for you, and they will always know that their dad loves them.

This, Turkish. Imagine yourself as a 5 year old child and speak to yourself with the same kindness and care. You are worthy. You are a wonderful dad to your kiddos.  Now... .go dust off those bicycles.  

[Turkish]

I took my ex and the kids out to Thai food for lunch.  Then ice cream for me and the kids after.  She was trying to take a picture of me and the kids when a stranger who was smiling offered to take one of all of us.  I don't know what she does with those kinds of pictures.  I didn't have him take one on my phone. I didn't wish her a happy mothers day but bought lunch ($81 with tip). It was a decent lunch. 

[Harri]

Why did you take your ex out on mothers day?

[Turkish]

She brings the kids to church on her Sundays,  which she has done from the beginning though I never asked her to do so.  Lunch has become usual. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her for many months (and she knew it), but I got over it. 

[Harri]

Ah, I get it.  I was not thinking about it being Sunday and the usual church routine.  I forgot.  Sorry.

Next time tell her 'No soup noodle for you!' 

[Turkish]

Lol.  It was a change from noodle soup, Subway or Togo's, being that the kids are picky.