Blog insight from someone with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi Soc
I have followed this thread of yours and it makes me sad.   My daughter has been no contact with me for most of the past 2 years so I'm farther down this road than you.  I understand all too well the despair that you are experiencing.   I wish I didn't.  Only this January did I even hear of BPD and start to learn about it.  Before that I was totally in the dark - confused, angry, hurt - more than I ever thought I could bear.  But the no contact has been her choice not mine.   That is how my journey began - seemingly (to me) no contact with no inciting cause.  It's the last thing I want.   Does that mean that I am giving up on her or don't love her enough?  I am not out of contact with my daughter because the depth of my love is less than yours or because I want it that way.  I love her more than my own life.  I'm out of contact with her because she gives me no other choice.   She tells me that I am the sole cause of her anxiety and depression and seems to have rewritten her life history.  She apparently doesn't remember the mostly wonderful life she has had and that she has been treasured since before she was born.  She has split me black and I have no control of anything except to try to stay sane.   She's getting married in July and I don't know how to make it through not being there.  I'm doing the best that I can to survive day by day.  Like you, I also raised my daughter on my own with very little help for 29 years.  I also have an ex who makes everything worse instead of better.  But I can't control that or change it.   I can only drive myself crazy being angry about it if I stay on that road.   I don't mean to be hard on you because I understand your pain makes you feel hopeless and angry. But the depth of my love for my daughter is beyond words.   My sadness will never heal no matter what the future holds but I am learning how to survive in this reality.   I don't think you mean to hurt people but you must remember that we are all caught up in a circle of confusion, pain, stress and despair.  So when you tell me that because of my situation, I don't love my child enough it wounds me.   None of us needs criticism like that.  We try to be supportive and helpful to each other on this forum.   Having a place to go where you can talk to people without having to explain what you mean when you say "My child has borderline traits and I don't know what to do... .I feel like I'm losing my mind" is difficult to find.    I hope that you are feeling a bit more hopeful at least sometimes and continue to share your journey if you wish.   We are here for you and for each other.  There are many helpful tools to the right side of this page and I hope you take a look at them.   Try to take care of yourself as much as you can.  We are of no use to ourselves or our children if we don't pay attention to our own well being and mental health.   Scout206

My angst wasnt directed at you in the least. As you know BPD is a huge spectrum, and often there are no answers to be found,with others experiences. Sometimes although, many of the things apply in many cases, canned answers dont cut it.

This is directed at you, come July I truly hope and pray you get to walk your child down the aisle. Like Ive said we are all victims in some fashion.

[Soc]

Hi Soc
I have followed this thread of yours and it makes me sad.   My daughter has been no contact with me for most of the past 2 years so I'm farther down this road than you.  I understand all too well the despair that you are experiencing.   I wish I didn't.  Only this January did I even hear of BPD and start to learn about it.  Before that I was totally in the dark - confused, angry, hurt - more than I ever thought I could bear.  But the no contact has been her choice not mine.   That is how my journey began - seemingly (to me) no contact with no inciting cause.  It's the last thing I want.   Does that mean that I am giving up on her or don't love her enough?  I am not out of contact with my daughter because the depth of my love is less than yours or because I want it that way.  I love her more than my own life.  I'm out of contact with her because she gives me no other choice.   She tells me that I am the sole cause of her anxiety and depression and seems to have rewritten her life history.  She apparently doesn't remember the mostly wonderful life she has had and that she has been treasured since before she was born.  She has split me black and I have no control of anything except to try to stay sane.   She's getting married in July and I don't know how to make it through not being there.  I'm doing the best that I can to survive day by day.  Like you, I also raised my daughter on my own with very little help for 29 years.  I also have an ex who makes everything worse instead of better.  But I can't control that or change it.   I can only drive myself crazy being angry about it if I stay on that road.   I don't mean to be hard on you because I understand your pain makes you feel hopeless and angry. But the depth of my love for my daughter is beyond words.   My sadness will never heal no matter what the future holds but I am learning how to survive in this reality.   I don't think you mean to hurt people but you must remember that we are all caught up in a circle of confusion, pain, stress and despair.  So when you tell me that because of my situation, I don't love my child enough it wounds me.   None of us needs criticism like that.  We try to be supportive and helpful to each other on this forum.   Having a place to go where you can talk to people without having to explain what you mean when you say "My child has borderline traits and I don't know what to do... .I feel like I'm losing my mind" is difficult to find.    I hope that you are feeling a bit more hopeful at least sometimes and continue to share your journey if you wish.   We are here for you and for each other.  There are many helpful tools to the right side of this page and I hope you take a look at them.   Try to take care of yourself as much as you can.  We are of no use to ourselves or our children if we don't pay attention to our own well being and mental health.   Scout206

My angst wasnt directed at you in the least. As you know BPD is a huge spectrum, and often there are no answers to be found,with others experiences. Sometimes although, many of the things apply in many cases, canned answers dont cut it.

This is directed at you, come July I truly hope and pray you get to walk your child down the aisle. Like Ive said we are all victims in some fashion.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Scout206]

Oh Soc how I wish that could happen.  I will not walk her down the aisle (I'm her mother but I had both of my parents walk me down the aisle all those year ago)  I would be happy just to watch her walk down the aisle and see her friends who I have known all her life, but she will not allow me to do that.  I have no idea what she has told all of these people about me but I'm sure it's not good.  I would still however, be willing to be there and let all that go and just smile -  if I was allowed.  Never in a million years did I think that I would not see my precious daughter walk down the aisle if she decided to get married.  I'm sure I will not be allowed to know my grandchildren either but one freak-out at a time eh? 

[Lollypop]

Hi Soc

Id rather go through all the pain and suffering with her as opposed to being ignored.

I hope you might be able to share some more details of the no contact situation. Did your daughter tell you why she left?  When was the last time you saw her face to face - how did that go?  Are you texting and calling but not getting a response?  Are you in contact with her mother?

I can see the huge emptiness you feel and I understand that. I struggled in the “not knowing” and managed to get him to agree to breakfast every now and then. It opened up a path for him to return - that time it failed again because i still hadn’t changed my approach and learnt how to interact with him and I was still interfering in his choices.

What I’m saying is that this was a long journey. With hindsight, I wished I’d let go of him and his problems earlier and to learn how to live my own life. I wasted a lot of time and energy and didn’t take better care of myself and my needs. I made myself ill.

Do you have any friends or other family Soc ?

LP

[Soc]

Oh Soc how I wish that could happen.  I will not walk her down the aisle (I'm her mother but I had both of my parents walk me down the aisle all those year ago)  I would be happy just to watch her walk down the aisle and see her friends who I have known all her life, but she will not allow me to do that.  I have no idea what she has told all of these people about me but I'm sure it's not good.  I would still however, be willing to be there and let all that go and just smile -  if I was allowed.  Never in a million years did I think that I would not see my precious daughter walk down the aisle if she decided to get married.  I'm sure I will not be allowed to know my grandchildren either but one freak-out at a time eh? 

That breaks my heart for you, If you know the when and where, show up anyway. Ask any of her friends, if they would consider being a liaison for you.

[Soc]

Hi Soc

I hope you might be able to share some more details of the no contact situation. Did your daughter tell you why she left?  When was the last time you saw her face to face - how did that go?  Are you texting and calling but not getting a response?  Are you in contact with her mother?

I can see the huge emptiness you feel and I understand that. I struggled in the “not knowing” and managed to get him to agree to breakfast every now and then. It opened up a path for him to return - that time it failed again because i still hadn’t changed my approach and learnt how to interact with him and I was still interfering in his choices.

What I’m saying is that this was a long journey. With hindsight, I wished I’d let go of him and his problems earlier and to learn how to live my own life. I wasted a lot of time and energy and didn’t take better care of myself and my needs. I made myself ill.

Do you have any friends or other family Soc ?

LP

She left for all the distorted reasons she has held for years, none of which hold water. We had her Birthday 2 days before that and it went well. Then 2 days later she dumps on me, her words sounded coached, which Im sure were by her NPD mother.
I havent seen or heard from her since February.

The NPD mother of the year, hasnt been paying her child support and is avoiding me like the plague.

I have an older brother, and a couple of friends.

Why do you need details? I dont know why, other than she is parroting her mother, and is her mother's tool for revenge. Somehow my daughter forgot 16 yrs of her life with me.

[Lollypop]

Hi Soc

I don’t need the details. I was just trying to get a better picture.

I’m glad to hear you’ve got somebody else in your life. It’d be very lonely to have nobody. I know you’re feeling so intense about the loss of your daughter at home and, of course, the no contact. 

Your daughter hasn’t forgotten about her 16 years with you as that would be impossible. She may be parroting, 16 year olds are easily influenced and, in my experience, not that able to understand their emotions or think independently. I’ve a 17 year old son and he doesn’t always think straight and is driven by his emotions - he can also be incredibly selfish. Teenagers are complex beings and BPD thrown in just makes it oh so much more difficult.

It’s very sad when kids become a pawn in split ups and I’m sorry to hear that you believe your ex has acted out in revenge.

I wonder if there’s a way to build a bridge. It sounds like they’re not ready if they won’t answer your calls. As you’ve said, You’re left with no options than to wait. In that waiting time, you’ve a real opportunity if you were able to see it.

If I was to give a scenario to you, let’s say in another 3 months you were to try and make contact again, how could you change your approach to improve the chances of a response?

LP

[Soc]

Hi Soc

I don’t need the details. I was just trying to get a better picture.

I’m glad to hear you’ve got somebody else in your life. It’d be very lonely to have nobody. I know you’re feeling so intense about the loss of your daughter at home and, of course, the no contact. 

Your daughter hasn’t forgotten about her 16 years with you as that would be impossible. She may be parroting, 16 year olds are easily influenced and, in my experience, not that able to understand their emotions or think independently. I’ve a 17 year old son and he doesn’t always think straight and is driven by his emotions - he can also be incredibly selfish. Teenagers are complex beings and BPD thrown in just makes it oh so much more difficult.

It’s very sad when kids become a pawn in split ups and I’m sorry to hear that you believe your ex has acted out in revenge.

I wonder if there’s a way to build a bridge. It sounds like they’re not ready if they won’t answer your calls. As you’ve said, You’re left with no options than to wait. In that waiting time, you’ve a real opportunity if you were able to see it.

If I was to give a scenario to you, let’s say in another 3 months you were to try and make contact again, how could you change your approach to improve the chances of a response?

LP

She IS parroting,not may be, she uses many of the exact same phrases.

My friends and brother arent local.

It is not a belief that my ex has acted out in revenge, she has threatened this behavior 17 yrs ago, and periodically since then. I would not give into her narcissistic demands.

I see no opportunity for much of anything.

I do not subscribe to hypothetical scenarios. I could send the cops and/or CPS for a welfare check,that will get action!

I have tried working with the ex for 17 yrs, there are no bridges with an NPD, except to do things their way.

Let's see, she is currently not paying child support arrearage($25,000+) she is in contempt of Court in like 5 instances, do you think a trendy cool phrase like a bridge can be built?  Really? That would imply she cared for some else besides herself.

[Lollypop]

Hi Soc

Thanks for such a clear reply Soc.

I do not subscribe to hypothetical scenarios.

I find them incredibly useful, particularly when I can recognise that I’m highly emotional and I start thinking of taking actions. You see Soc, everything I ever did just made things worse.

I don’t take actions when I’m highly emotional.

Rolling it forwards helps me evaluate and then analyse. I can consider the consequences and see if they align to my own goal (to try to build a relationship with my son). I made that my main focus.

I can read that you’re understandably very angry. I’m sorry for it Soc and I can see your situation is just tough.

LP

[Soc]

Hi Soc

Thanks for such a clear reply Soc.

I find them incredibly useful, particularly when I can recognise that I’m highly emotional and I start thinking of taking actions. You see Soc, everything I ever did just made things worse.

I don’t take actions when I’m highly emotional.

Rolling it forwards helps me evaluate and then analyse. I can consider the consequences and see if they align to my own goal (to try to build a relationship with my son). I made that my main focus.

I can read that you’re understandably very angry. I’m sorry for it Soc and I can see your situation is just tough.

LP

Ive left out the horror stories of it, Ive spoken with a few other parents that had horror stories that are on par with mine. This video I found on youtube, I believe sums it all up for all of us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FglzBa8PvQ

[Soc]

Rolling it forwards helps me evaluate and then analyse. I can consider the consequences and see if they align to my own goal (to try to build a relationship with my son). I made that my main focus.

  Hi LP

 The worst part of it all was that so many dreams have been dashed against the proverbial rocks, so much potential lost.

She dreamed of going to Harvard, she had the IQ and the grades to go. She wanted to be an author, since she was very young she had a great idea for a book, that had serious potential and could have been a blockbuster movie. We were going to move to Chicago or NY, which ever she chose.
I had hopes of seeing her graduate , going to prom, threatening her date before the prom, walking her down the aisle and being called GrandPa, traveling with her,being invited over on Sundays for dinner with her and her family.
Holidays which she dearly loved. Getting a weird Father's Day Shirt, like I used to get,now Id be happy with a text.
 She wanted to travel and see the world, she had all those countless dreams that a 17 yr old girl has. When she was 6 she wanted to be a Paleontologist . She could sing she could dance, and is very beautiful.
Basically the world was her oyster.
Id like a few of my dreams realized before my time comes to pass. The biggest dream I have is for hers to be realized, then I could die a happy man.

Angry, that's putting it mildly. I want what we used to have a close and very deep bond, Id like to think that somewhere in there she does as well. I miss her, I miss us.

[Lollypop]

Hi Soc

Angry, that's putting it mildly. I want what we used to have a close and very deep bond, Id like to think that somewhere in there she does as well. I miss her, I miss us.

My heart goes out to you Soc, it really does.  What you’ve written here is the truth for all of us here in the forum.   

We had such hopes and dreams too, my son is highly intelligent and has very good social skills and could have been anything he wanted. However, he’s crippled with low self esteem and, of course, such skewed thinking made worse when he’s dysregulated. I can say hand on heart that he’s improved as he’s matured and I hope you find this too as your daughter grows.

What you’re going through is so intense Soc and I know you’ve said you’re not coping, it’s perfectly understandable. This forum lets us vent, share stories and provides support and can be a really important part of our own support system. I have sought further help for myself at times when I needed it and I wonder if you have been to see your Dr as a first step?  I say this gently Soc, please don’t bite 

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Soc]

What you’re going through is so intense Soc and I know you’ve said you’re not coping, it’s perfectly understandable. This forum lets us vent, share stories and provides support and can be a really important part of our own support system. I have sought further help for myself at times when I needed it and I wonder if you have been to see your Dr as a first step?  I say this gently Soc, please don’t bite 

LP



Yep seen the Doc, talked to therapists, other Parent's with BPD children etc. He has given me meds,but my system overrides the meds, Ive tried several antidepressants, sleeping pills for my insomnia, nothing is working, Im mentally fried. A brief word or text from my daughter would do me wonders. When I do sleep,I dream, or have nightmares, Ive awakened screaming and crying over my daughter. watching TV doesnt help, I hear her name or hear a child say Daddy. I see a father and daughter hug, most of all I miss her falling asleep on my lap, which she did even at 16, that was the biggest honor I ever had as a Father, it meant she felt safe and loved to the degree she could sleep and know she was protected when she was at her most vulnerable.

We were 2 peas in a pod, we were inseparable , then this BPD demon came along and stole my daughter.

I hope you checked out the link for that video.

[Invested]

Hi Soc, thank you for your courage in facing this disorder and for posting this. I cannot begin to express my gratitude, it helps me understand my high functioning BPD wife on yet a deeper level. I do hope your life continues to get better. Your courage to face this moves me - wish I could help. After 20 years, I am searching ... .searching for hope while remaining based in today and the reality of what life is giving me today. Your words help support me. Thank you again.  . KG

[Soc]

Hi Soc, thank you for your courage in facing this disorder and for posting this. I cannot begin to express my gratitude, it helps me understand my high functioning BPD wife on yet a deeper level. I do hope your life continues to get better. Your courage to face this moves me - wish I could help. After 20 years, I am searching ... .searching for hope while remaining based in today and the reality of what life is giving me today. Your words help support me. Thank you again.  . KG

Im glad I can help someone.

I ran out of courage years ago, all Im going on now is love for my daughter, that is the only thing keeping me going . Hope and faith are pretty much gone along with my sanity. I wont have a life until she is back in it.

I wish you well. Remember your sword is heavy, you wont lose the battle until you put it down.

[Merlot]

Hi Soc

Im glad I can help someone.

I've followed your story, I have also been no contact with my daughter.  I would like to say that you are helping everyone here... .we all are. 

In reading you story, I can hear your absolute devastation, grief and loss, and it very confronting.  At times, I'm not sure how I will get through either... .some days on a wing and a prayer.  Even though NC, I continue to define myself as a wonderful mother (she cannot strip that away - and I have another non- BPD daughter), I also define myself as a partner, a friend, a colleague, a confident member of society.  I will not allow her to define me in my entirety because I am so much more than just a mother.  I am strong and want to be the best version of me for me, and for all those other people/roles that I value.  I hope there is a way there for you too.

I have read Sheri McGregor's ":)one with the Crying".  It was very helpful for me to provide some perspective in managing my pain.

My heart goes out to you, you deserve so much... .we all do.

Merlot