Probably not the first or the last to have an on/off ex( or not)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, My partner and I have been together for just over 7 years. I dont know if he has BPD, but he clearly has issues. It started off really intense and he is charming and sweet ( when wants to be) and I was swept away! He was initially always ready to take part in activities together but little by little started complaining about my friends, my family, how I dressed, looked etc where we went. Little by little I became more isolated and my self confidence started crumbling away. I thought it was all because he loved me and I was fine, just thought he is antisocial and i'd have to deal with it. About 2-3 years later I decided enough was enough and started doing activities I enjoyed alone ( movies, theatre etc). I also pushed back when started crticizing my hair, make up and Clothes. His crticisms then reduced and he said he needed me to stop him trying to boss me around. But he also gradually reduced spending quality time with me, he'd always be busy... Computer games, work etc. I told him i was worried we were getting distant and we should spend time together. He said no. Then about 3 years ago we bought a house and started spending time together again, house hunting, buying things, making plans and I thought we were back on track. We had a lot of good times together and he said he wanted to grow old with me, i was his best friend etc.  Then about 4 months ago he makes a new female friend. I felt she was becoming more than a friend so voiced my concerns, but he then drops a bombshell that things were not good betwen us and had been unhappy for several years? He then started an affair with her excusing it on the grounds that 'we had issues' and making out that i was focusing on the wrong things and should not grudge him his moments of peace away from the stressful home situation ( which he created). He started spending weekends away, sleepovers at her place and during the week tried to act as if nothing had happened and as if he was working on rebuilding the marriage with me, made me question my mental health as he said i was the problem and she made him enjoy new experiences, better conversation etc? I finally cracked and asked him to get out of the house before i had a meltdown which he did. He went and stayed with her claiming i pushed him into it. I finally refused to communicate with him if he continued to see her amd when he thought i meant it broke it off with her and returned. He then tells me he is in love with her, does not know ehat he wants, he is unhappy and i have done nothing wrong, and Less than two weeks after he returns he leaves again to see if things will work out with her. He has known me for 7 years and her for 4 months? She knows about me but begged him to come back when they broke up. He tells me when leaving that once he figures things out and ready to recommit he will let me know? I know he is just trying to leave a window to get back together if and when the affair fails. It makes me furious. The first time he came back i was just getting back on track and just derailed everything. The pain of betrayal is what hurts the most. Has anyone cone across this kind of behaviour before? He is has just turned 40 and she is just 39. I am younger than them both so its not likei have been left for a younger model? Why does it still hurt so much and does it ever get better?

[Banksia]

Hi, My partner and I have been together for just over 7 years. I dont know if he has BPD, but he clearly has issues. It started off really intense and he is charming and sweet ( when wants to be) and I was swept away! He was initially always ready to take part in activities together but little by little started complaining about my friends, my family, how I dressed, looked etc where we went. Little by little I became more isolated and my self confidence started crumbling away. I thought it was all because he loved me and I was fine, just thought he is antisocial and i'd have to deal with it. About 2-3 years later I decided enough was enough and started doing activities I enjoyed alone ( movies, theatre etc). I also pushed back when started crticizing my hair, make up and Clothes. His crticisms then reduced and he said he needed me to stop him trying to boss me around. But he also gradually reduced spending quality time with me, he'd always be busy... Computer games, work etc. I told him i was worried we were getting distant and we should spend time together. He said no. Then about 3 years ago we bought a house and started spending time together again, house hunting, buying things, making plans and I thought we were back on track. We had a lot of good times together and he said he wanted to grow old with me, i was his best friend etc.  Then about 4 months ago he makes a new female friend. I felt she was becoming more than a friend so voiced my concerns, but he then drops a bombshell that things were not good betwen us and had been unhappy for several years? He then started an affair with her excusing it on the grounds that 'we had issues' and making out that i was focusing on the wrong things and should not grudge him his moments of peace away from the stressful home situation ( which he created). He started spending weekends away, sleepovers at her place and during the week tried to act as if nothing had happened and as if he was working on rebuilding the marriage with me, made me question my mental health as he said i was the problem and she made him enjoy new experiences, better conversation etc? I finally cracked and asked him to get out of the house before i had a meltdown which he did. He went and stayed with her claiming i pushed him into it. I finally refused to communicate with him if he continued to see her amd when he thought i meant it broke it off with her and returned. He then tells me he is in love with her, does not know ehat he wants, he is unhappy and i have done nothing wrong, and Less than two weeks after he returns he leaves again to see if things will work out with her. He has known me for 7 years and her for 4 months? She knows about me but begged him to come back when they broke up. He tells me when leaving that once he figures things out and ready to recommit he will let me know? I know he is just trying to leave a window to get back together if and when the affair fails. It makes me furious. The first time he came back i was just getting back on track and just derailed everything. The pain of betrayal is what hurts the most. Has anyone cone across this kind of behaviour before? He is has just turned 40 and she is just 39. I am younger than them both so its not likei have been left for a younger model? Why does it still hurt so much and does it ever get better?

[pearlsw]

Hi Banksia,

I'm very sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Where are you at with this? Would you want him to come back? Now that there is a third party involved do you think that is possible?

There is no need to focus on the age part. It's just a cliche to think of being replaced for a "younger model" human, not something to focus on. Age isn't the issue. He likely turned to her because he was seeking a connection. Unfortunately, you are all in a bit of mess now!

What would make you happiest?

with compassion, pearl.

[Mutt]

Hi Banksia,



Id' like to join pearlsw and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us a r/s break-up with a pwBPD can leave feeling extremely frazzled it helps to talk to others that get it because they've been in your position.

I am younger than them both so its not likei have been left for a younger model? Why does it still hurt so much and does it ever get better?

7 years is a long history a pwBPD can't handle adult emotional intimacy the breaks up are difficult because they blameshift, don't give you closure and it ends abruptly and suddenly. Sometimes it feels like they haven't missed a beat and we're left knee deep in pain.

The first time he came back i was just getting back on track and just derailed everything. The pain of betrayal is what hurts the most.

I can relate with being betrayed and having my exuBPDw keep me at arms length in case the affair partner didn't work out. I'm sorry that he derailed everything when he came back what would you do differently this time when he comes back?

[Banksia]

Hi Pearl and Mutt,

Thanks so much for the replies. We still have joint assets which will take a while to untangle ( and which I suspect he is not keen to untangle so he has an excuse to keep me around) so still am in contact, 90% initiated by him to which I will respond with short polite responses, but try to cease this being a conversation. I will cease contact when our stuff is sorted which will take a couple of months. If i have something to say i try to make a very quick call which i have only done in response to his texts which ask a lot of different questions and explained that this is easier than typing a long long text. As far as possible I have tried to minimise the trauma associated with breakup for me by avoiding conflict. It appears to work because he wants to see himself as a'good' person. He still wants to hug when we meet which i try to avoid and keeps saying how much he cares for me and misses me. I dont want to get back- think its broken beyond repair... Someone who made me question my sanity, treated me with such disrespect, kept saying one thing and doing another- is not a good fit for me. The pain remains though. I did love him very much... He was very sweet and caring and charming when he wanted to be.
In spite of all this I still miss him... .