I don't want her back but I miss her. Contact?

[Secondhand ploy]

Hello All, it's been a while since I posted. I am finally back from my journey of self improvement and I am proud to say that I am absolutely healed not only from this relationship but also my childhood traumas. This is my third time attempting, and the results are rewarding.

I wanted to write a letter in the "send the letter here to your ex" post, and probably will at some point, but not right now. The only issue I have right now (non-attachment related) is that I miss her. I understand that it's normal to miss an ex (BPD or not) because we shared an experience at some point in our life. I want to check up on her, ask her how she's doing, and be there for her if she happens to need someone. Again, I no longer see her as a romantic partner, I know very well the reason of why I want to check on her is because, especially because, I have now understood a majority part of what went down and what happened and why I felt what I felt and what she felt. Basically I have been lurking a lot in A LOT of forums and websites (ASPD, BPD, NPD, Quora, personal blogs, and etc.) for months and years. I read until my eyes hurt, from the morning to night, to relieve my Pure-O OCD and my pain and depression after a stormy relationship with pwBPDex.

I am aware of the drama triangle and I am definitely not trying to be the rescuer. I am also not trying to be the caretaker. Once again, I understand everything that is involved currently with my feelings and emotions.

Sorry I side-tracked.

What I want to say is that, I would really want to check on her. While I don't think I will be welcomed (bad break up, really bad), I can't guess her thoughts and don't know for sure if she actually want to interact with me again. What if she welcomes it? One of my previous issues was that I assumed too much and acted on my assumptions. I don't mind if she's with somebody new, anything about her no longer trigger me or my previous depression. Obviously in the event that I DO contact her, and if she refused, I will no longer bother her. What are your opinions? Should I contact her? I feel like most of you will recommend a no, but please try to reconsider my feeling about this situation as well.

I would also like to apologize to those that I talked apathetically before on this board. I was emotionally numb at that period in time and I am in no way trying to excuse myself. I sincerely apologize for my words and I hope you can forgive me. I thank all of you for being so patient with me.

Finally, last but not the least, for those still fighting, healing isn't impossible, nor is it far off. I was suicidal (attempted), I was severely depressed, I lost everything (literally; money, education, job, family, friends... .all because of her), yet here I am, revived little by little, and back on my feet. Just keep hanging in there, eventually you will get to where I am at. If you need help or have questions about anything feel free to shoot me a message, ha. Keep trying, keep fighting, we are with you  

-Secondhand

[zachira]

It is natural that you want to contact your ex and repair the wounds that come from ending the relationship without a peaceful loving good bye. I had a wonderful boyfriend who taught me about how to breakup with love and kindness, and we were in contact for a long time after he ended the relationship. He really wanted me to be okay and cared about my well being though he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me. I often think of how different people behave when someone dies. If they had a loving relationship with the deceased and there are no extenuating circumstances involved in how the person died, often there is a joyous celebration of the person's life and everyone moves on. If the relationship with the deceased was a painful one and/or there are extenuating circumstances involved in how the person died, sometimes the excruciating pain surrounding the death is still being experienced years later as if the person had just died.
With all this being said, the saddest part about ending a relationship with a BPD, is it is nearly impossible to help your ex partner heal from the end of the relationship, and contacting your ex will likely reopen your wounds and hers.
Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and we care!

[once removed]

hey Secondhand ploy, welcome back!

before i throw out any advice around getting in touch, i saw your story and wanted to follow up:

In the last 6 months I have been depressed, suicidal, and insulted by my friends who turned on me as she showed her sweetest side to everyone and made me look crazy. None believed me. My family turned their back on me too.

any update on this? it had to be a huge blow. have you reconnected with friends or family, or made any new connections?

[Secondhand ploy]

With all this being said, the saddest part about ending a relationship with a BPD, is it is nearly impossible to help your ex partner heal from the end of the relationship, and contacting your ex will likely reopen your wounds and hers.
Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and we care!

Hi Zachira, thank you for responding! I see your point and I think I agree. The only thing is that I highly doubt that she is sad at all about our relationship or how it ended. Therefore a "scar" relating to me will definitely not be there. She had at least 2 people lined up throughout our relationship (found out after it ended). She seemed to have a very high chance of co-morbidity with BPD and NPD. She never cried or sound sad when dealing with the break up, both in front of me or with her other close friends. She absolutely hated me though. She thought I was a manipulator, a liar (said every word coming out of my mouth is a lie), a fake two faced, and just overall a monster. I don't know if it's projection for sure, or if she really believed that.
After the break up she did not attempt any contact or small talks, only smear campaign against me among friends and family.
Would this information change anything?

hey Secondhand ploy, welcome back!

before i throw out any advice around getting in touch, i saw your story and wanted to follow up:

any update on this? it had to be a huge blow. have you reconnected with friends or family, or made any new connections?

Hey once removed! Thank you for welcoming me back. There is definitely a drastic change compared to a few months back. I am relieved to say that I am no longer depressed nor suicidal. I went on a road trip alone for 2 weeks in need for finding peace within me again, and nature and silence helped a lot. I didn't just went POOF! and healed everything, of course. I had to go through deep pain of sorting out what had happened when I was little and I tackled each issue on a daily basis. It hurt like hell ha. Regarding my friends, some had came to a realization of what kind of thing she is doing to me (smear campaign), and other ones I no longer stay in touch with. I find no reason to as some still believed in BPDex's words. I thought I was the crazy one, and perhaps to a certain extend I was, because I believed her words and had my own issues. In the end it turned out my feelings and emotions were just 1000x magnified. I was waaay too hard on myself and the degree of self-criticism was unbelievable. As for my family, I tried to make amends with them. So far they had their doubts still, but they were willing to give me a try again. I don't know how it's going to turn out with my family, but right now I am on track with them. In regard to school and money, I had been saving up since my financial crisis, I started from negative to now positive again. It's not a lot, but it's definitely a lot better. As soon as I save up enough, I will be continuing my education again(!). My BPDex has moved out to another state and living another life at this point. That gave me a chance for no contact that I so wanted and needed (at last!) instead of having to see and deal with her at work everyday. My friends and co-workers had NOT been talking about her since she left because of all the drama we were involved in. She has been gone for at least 2 months? I can't even remember when she left . Funny thing though, today everyone talked about her out of nowhere. Both co-workers and friends. Her mother came to see me once and gave me news in regard to her though I was sure she did NOT want me to know. She hated her mother too. BPDex is now living a great life. (I guess?)

So there is that! What do you think?  

[MeandThee29]

I miss mine a lot. We spent almost three decades together. Now we live many states apart.

I wish that I could still look out for him and do things with him. I know that he isn't well, and I wish that I could be there for him.

But he'd chew me up and spit me out. I doubt that I'd even last a day. No contact is a must.

Friends from before the pwBPD were visiting. He's a retired surgeon. And his comment was that I need to let it go. My pwBPD has chosen not to live here and not to get help. My influence is over.

[zachira]

You have zeroed in on what for many of us may be the most hurtful part of dealing with an ex that does not seem to care about how much we are hurting: You are wondering if she ever really loved you, as she seems to have effortlessly moved on. What I find key is to remind myself that people who cannot tolerate their uncomfortable feelings dump them on others. Oftentimes when a relationship ends, it is the caring partner that is left with the unloving feelings of the ex who does not have the capacity to love and care for others. You loved and cared for your ex, and you still care in many ways though not like when you were together, and because of your ability to love and care for another human being, you are indeed lovable and can find a woman that will love you back. Keep up all that you are doing to heal and keep reminding yourself you are worthy of love because indeed you are!

[gotbushels]

Hi Secondhand ploy  

The only issue I have right now (non-attachment related) is that I miss her.

It seems you're missing your ex and you're considering contacting her. Yes, sometimes exs miss parts of the relationship--and that's okay.  

This is how you described the effect the relationship with this person had on your life,

I lost everything (literally; money, education, job, family, friends... .all because of her), yet here I am, revived little by little, and back on my feet.

I appreciate what losing some of those things can be like. It can feel debilitating and like the ground you're on is sandy--it's hard to find footing let alone keep a straight face.

Can you think of 2 or 3 other options for yourself when you miss someone?  



Depression and suicidal thoughts are difficult to handle without adequate support. We're here to help each other--so something that helped me out with the relationship with the pwBPD in my life was to adjunct my experience with a P.   Have you chosen a T yet?

[Hopeless777]

I have to concur with Meandthee29. I'm almost 4 years NC after almost 30 years. I miss her every day. But I'll never contact her in this life time. I've come too far to dive back into that bottomless pit. All I can say is to think before you leap.

I miss mine a lot. We spent almost three decades together. Now we live many states apart.

I wish that I could still look out for him and do things with him. I know that he isn't well, and I wish that I could be there for him.

But he'd chew me up and spit me out. I doubt that I'd even last a day. No contact is a must.

Friends from before the pwBPD were visiting. He's a retired surgeon. And his comment was that I need to let it go. My pwBPD has chosen not to live here and not to get help. My influence is over.

[Zen606]

Hi everyone,
From my experience it depends on the person you are separating from. If there is mental illness or traits, and/or being around them puts you at risk, or triggers you, we need to take care of ourselves first. So if absolute NC is needed then that is what is done. However there are exceptions, as when the two parties are angry at each other for the break up, remain angry for a period of time and then reconnect and make their peace.

With my late husband, we divorced, were angry at each other and about 2 years later reconnected and became friends, celebrating each others birthdays, writing, emailing -- we had a good friendship we just could not be romantic partners, although we loved each other very much. This is while he and I are both going on with our own lives. There was never a need for NC.

With my recent bp trait ex, the NC was absolute and has lasted for approximately 7 months. I had to do the NC because I knew how weak I was when it came to him and any contact with him would place me right back into re-cycle #3, something  I said I would not do when recycle #2 occurred. I had to protect myself from him. I am still in love with him but I come first.
Zen606

[Zen606]

Hi Secondhand,
Not sure about a BPD/trait ex having a great life. Those that have this disorder experience in general, much confusion, shame, depression, insecurity, many fears. Because they know so well how to mask what they are really feeling, they put on a mask for the world to see, but believe me, both you or I would not want to experience the turmoil they live with everyday.

Zen606

[zachira]

Thank you Zen606 for reminding us all that the BPD person puts on a mask which fools us into thinking that he/she is having a great life after leaving a partner who is often devastated by the breakup. In my experience, happy people balance their feelings, feeling all of them, and this allows them to feel joy, and people who dump their uncomfortable feelings onto others cannot experience true joy: There is kind of a phony happiness about them, and I try to keep this in mind as a red flag for avoiding bad relationships.

[MeandThee29]

Not sure about a BPD/trait ex having a great life. Those that have this disorder experience in general, much confusion, shame, depression, insecurity, many fears. Because they know so well how to mask what they are really feeling, they put on a mask for the world to see, but believe me, both you or I would not want to experience the turmoil they live with everyday.

Mine had no consistent friends in the years leading up to our separation, and he told me not long ago that he wants to live where no one knows him and where he doesn't have to be close to anyone. He wants very surface interactions and has talked about buying an RV and just travelling place-to-place so he doesn't have to have deeper relationships. The irony is that he'll give wait staff huge tips and such so they all rave about him, but he's not really close to anyone.

I personally cannot imagine life that isolated. I have skads of friends who know we're separated and love me through-and-through. If people ask about him, I'm brief but open about our separate households. And I've never had anyone scoff or be rude. It's sad of course, but we're keeping on. This afternoon the son of a friend of mine came over and mowed my lawn because my allergies have been bad. That's the kind of friends I have. She knew I was struggling, and her son was off today and available. We all help each other.

[Zen606]

Hi Zachira,
Yes, sometimes when I catch myself missing my bptrait ex too much or longing for his arms, I make myself look at the whole picture, read a few articles from this forum, and I can snap back to reality. Reality because as you know they can do a great job of creating fantasy. I struggle with this daily, because I think about him every day. Th best way I can handle this is to think that I love the person, but hate his behaviors which included -- and this was the final straw for me -- the push-pull behavior that leads to break ups and re-cycling. The bottom line for me is that I could see the pattern after the second break up and made my decision based on the fact that I cannot live this way. Sad but there it was for me. I will always remember him, I have not been in love like I was with him for many years. But then I ask myself, what was I really in love with? The mask or the true self of my ex? How could it be the true self, he rarely showed it.
Zen606

[zachira]

Hi Zen606
I have often heard women say that they did not marry the man they had the best sex with. I think there is an element of fantasy in many highly passionate relationships especially with borderlines and narcissists who thrive on making others fall in love with them and wear masks to cover up who they really are underneath.
We all want to think we were loved by the person who mistreated us, and it is possible that they did love us at times and could not keep their hidden insecurities hidden forever.

[once removed]

hey Secondhand ploy,

it sounds like youve thought things through in the event that she doesnt respond, and are prepared for that outcome. some questions i would consider regarding establishing contact:

is this an impulse? how are you feeling about it today?

do you want to be friends, or do you want to have a one off closure conversation?

[Secondhand ploy]

And his comment was that I need to let it go. My pwBPD has chosen not to live here and not to get help. My influence is over.

Hi MeandThee, I think you hit the spot right on. My influence is over. Perhaps somewhere back in my subconsciousness I still believe I can help her... .And I probably won't be able to make a difference unless she wants to. I also still feel the need to amend my faults, because I did wrong her in the sense that I certainly didn't handle the situations as best as it could've been handled. I reacted terribly. I feel very, very guilty.

Keep up all that you are doing to heal and keep reminding yourself you are worthy of love because indeed you are!

Thank you zachira for your kind words. What you have described IS one of the reasons I so want to get in touch with her though. I don't need her. I feel as though she needs me. White knight syndrome I know. But I just want to offer a hand, because if no one else is willing to help her, how is she going to be able to fight the war alone if she does want to change? She IS self-aware and she's the one that told me at the beginning of our relationship about her BPD. She wanted to change but ended up killing me anyway. And she knew it but did it ruthlessly anyway. She did not look back. Now that I have acquired the skills and healthier boundaries, should I still not make contact? What's your opinion?

Can you think of 2 or 3 other options for yourself when you miss someone?  

Hello gotbushels, thank you for reaching out. One other option is holding onto the memories and simply wishing that they are doing better. I feel as though a pwBPD makes it a lot more different than others though. I have many that I miss since I move from countries to countries, when I miss them I simply wish everything is going well for them because I know they are doing wonderful. Should I just let it go and not check up on her?

I have to concur with Meandthee29. I'm almost 4 years NC after almost 30 years. I miss her every day. But I'll never contact her in this life time. I've come too far to dive back into that bottomless pit. All I can say is to think before you leap.

Hi Hopeless, you seem to be able to maintain your ground, that's really nice! I have been thinking for a while now actually, but because I don't want to make another major life changing mistake (I mean I'll learn from it again if I do but you know... .) I come on here to seek for advice and opinions. I'll definitely take into more considerations before making a decision.

Hi Secondhand,
Not sure about a BPD/trait ex having a great life. Those that have this disorder experience in general, much confusion, shame, depression, insecurity, many fears. Because they know so well how to mask what they are really feeling, they put on a mask for the world to see, but believe me, both you or I would not want to experience the turmoil they live with everyday.

Zen606

Hello Zen, thank you for replying. What you have said I understand completely and actually have experienced first hand with my BPDex. She was having a great cold war with me and she knew I wasn't happy with her at the time, but she made me cook her food anyway and she posted on snapchat saying "when your loving boyfriend makes you food <3". Incidents like this happened all the time, but what lead me to believe that she is actually having a better time is because right now she moved to somewhere completely different and is stress-free at the time being. She once told me she has really high points and really low points. When she met me, she told me she was on her low. Right now, however, she is at her high. Also she is at an idealization state since she's having great time with her current lover. I am not sure if I make any sense.

hey Secondhand ploy,

it sounds like youve thought things through in the event that she doesnt respond, and are prepared for that outcome. some questions i would consider regarding establishing contact:

is this an impulse? how are you feeling about it today?

do you want to be friends, or do you want to have a one off closure conversation?

Hello once removed,

I am not sure whether it is an impulse or not actually. The thought certainly has been lurking in my mind for a while, that much I know. I feel the desire to get in touch still as of right now, I am certainly giving it more thoughts and continue to read more advice before I jump in the boat.

I want to be friends. There's no longer a need for closure because I went through that phrase alone already. I understand I won't be getting anything out of her, nor do I want to. But now I am not sure if it's pathetic, that I just want to offer her a shoulder if she should ever need it. I must be overvaluing myself in this case?

-Secondhand

[gotbushels]

I feel as though a pwBPD makes it a lot more different than others though.

Yes, sometimes people in close relationships with a pwBPD find it's more difficult to feel separate from a pwBPD than other people. I appreciate what this could be like for you.

Should I just let it go and not check up on her?

I think the choice on this is your responsibility.

One other option is holding onto the memories and simply wishing that they are doing better.

Yes reviewing the memories and simply letting them be is a choice. Because imagination and practicing acceptance can be especially difficult when we're missing someone with pwBPD, you might consider activities to make your passage through that moment easier. Can you do anything for self care at times when you're finding you're missing this person?

[zachira]

"Thank you zachira for your kind words. What you have described IS one of the reasons I so want to get in touch with her though. I don't need her. I feel as though she needs me. White knight syndrome I know. But I just want to offer a hand, because if no one else is willing to help her, how is she going to be able to fight the war alone if she does want to change? She IS self-aware and she's the one that told me at the beginning of our relationship about her BPD. She wanted to change but ended up killing me anyway. And she knew it but did it ruthlessly anyway. She did not look back. Now that I have acquired the skills and healthier boundaries, should I still not make contact? What's your opinion?"
I believe that your feelings are enmeshed with hers. People who suffer from BPD dump their uncomfortable feelings on others. You have likely absorbed a lot of her distress and would like some relief from these feelings. You also once cared a great deal about this woman and in many ways still do. In healthy relationship, partners help repair the wounds that they inflict on each other. Many of us on this Board struggle with knowing we will not get to repair the wounds from our relationships with the person who we suffered these wounds with. I know I have never stopped wishing that my BPD family members would genuinely apologize to me for all the pain they have inflicted on me, and I would like nothing better to help them heal as well, and I know that I can't. Everyone has to take responsibility for their feelings and behaviors, and when others care more than they do than it is less likely that they will do their own work. I admire how you are looking for answers and you will find a way to heal because you are reaching out. Keep us posted, as we are glad to help.

[Secondhand ploy]

Can you do anything for self care at times when you're finding you're missing this person?

Write songs. Music helps me relieve my feelings. Read about anything psychology related. That calms me down. Hang out and connecting with friends. Allows to put my mind off for the moment.

Thank you for the great question gotbushels

I believe that your feelings are enmeshed with hers. People who suffer from BPD dump their uncomfortable feelings on others. You have likely absorbed a lot of her distress and would like some relief from these feelings. Everyone has to take responsibility for their feelings and behaviors, and when others care more than they do than it is less likely that they will do their own work.

That has a very high possibility. Perhaps the feelings are enmeshed somewhat and I don't realize it. Thank you for pointing that out, zachira

-----------------------------------


I really appreciate everyone's help and support. As a final decision I have come to the decision that it is best that I leave her alone. I took everyone's advice and questions into consideration and I can't express how much they've helped. i genuinely thank everyone. You are the best.

-Secondhand

[Zen606]

Hi Zachira,
Yes, I agree, that sexual passion can be very significant in relationships with those with BPD/traits. In the end though as you say, the mask come off and then we see the real person. For me, my ex was impotent, we never consummated the relationship. I believed that this sensual passionate man would provide great sex and with my being in love with him, well, it would have been for me a highly emotional experience. Nothing. I walked down the garden path and found barren land.  However, thinking about it now, I'm glad that it worked out in this way because, having been given the sexual experience I craved from him would have made it more difficult to separate. The sex would have been my opium. So no opium addiction was good!

I do believe that having safety and security in a relationship outweighs the intense sexual experience, because as we all know the latter wanes, and if there is no trust and solid foundation, then there is nothing to hold two people together. The drawback at times is that sometimes safety and security are not enough and unsatisfying sex or no sex can take its toll.

I also believe that BPD/trait individuals do love but they are so afraid of becoming overwhelmed with those feelings and then being abandoned that their behaviors are like shifting sands. Who can withstand all of that uncertainty? I had enough of that as a kid with a bptrait mom and a dad that enabled her.
Zen606