My adult daughter is coming between me and grandchildren

[Cerasoli]

Hi,

I've been  struggling to cope with the behaviour of my adult daughter towards me since she was about 12 and with the help of Walking on Eggshells I managed over the last twenty years since my husband died to get by.  She is 41  with two children, her partner was killed tragically ten years ago.  I have three sons and good relationships with them and their wives. 

My daughter  is estranged from her favourite brother because she hates his wife.  When she cut off from him, she put me through hell and didnt cross my door for five years at least.  I had to accept that any family gatherings would have to be with her absence, she didnt come to the wedding of two of my sons or turn up at any funerals etc.  I have managed to get on and keep the relationships open with her kids by keeping my mouth zipped and having little contact except on her terms.    Last year she treated  me to a cruise with her and the kids.  The thing is I put up with lots from her and kept my counsel so the holiday went very well.  If we go for coffee she avoids sitting beside me or at dinner and I just ' behave' .  I have always hoped that being my only daughter someday things would change or calm down. 

I have a great relationship with her 11 yr old son and started having him for sleepovers   every month for the last two years.  I was horrified when my daughter took grandson out of school .
 I knew not to comment.  I wasnt told just discovered it and heard from him he was  being homeschooled although I have never seen any evidence of this.  It is very hard as she has since decided herself to go back to college and do a Masters and now studying to be a Barrister which is  quite expensive.  He is constantly being minded by his older sister who is 21, or farmed out to other relatives.  Two weeks ago when with me I noticed his behaviour had changed  a bit and   he wasn't as open as usual.  He was on his laptop with earphones and every time I moved to pass him or do something he would immediately click the mouse and made sure the screen  was moved slightly out of my view.  This went on for a while and I couldnt resist asking him what he was watching, he said nothing.  Normally he shares everything .  Anyway   I was  on my own computer and just observed him.  As an innocent 11 yr old, I could see that whatever he was watching was affecting him and I had to distract him by going for a walk and turning off the laptop.  I couldnt sleep that night thinking his mom should know.  Next morning early while he was asleep I lifted the lid of his laptop and saw youtube open and some cartoon thumbnails that he must have  been watching,  I am not great with computer language  but have worked with computers for the last ten years so I can  negotiate my way a bit.  Anyway the story is that  what I saw were these titillating cartoons aimed obviously at pubescents, all inuendo and distasteful made by guys in their thirties.  One of them was called two girls one cup of ice. I didnt say anything to him because I believed I should just alert my daughter.   Anyway as my daughter never comes in when she collects him and also knowing that I never seem to be able to communicate properly I sent her a text just saying that he had  been watching unsuitable stuff on his laptop and naming the one I'd seen and it was quite innocent but he'd been watching it with me in the room and I thought I should let her know.  Well that was it, immediately the barrage started.   According to her I had no right to invade his privacy by checking his laptop and he would never do that .  Then it got worse and  no matter how I tried to calm it down the  abuse at me   became fierce  even ending one of her texts with ... .your story smells like piss!  She called me perverted and weird and said he denied everything.  Eventually it gets that I am confused myself and feel dreadful.  I didnt sleep for nights with the abusive texts . the threats are that she will cut off from me and I won't see the kids again.  I swear I was only trying to be a responsible grandmother by alerting her to the fact that he was watching unsuitable things. Then after a few days I tried to fix things by texting her saying I was sorry for upsetting her but thought she should know and she answered with a text saying she wasn't a bit upset, she knows her son but that she is furious for me putting filthy stories out about him .  I had said originally that it was nothing much, and it was normal for him to do that  if he came across it but that it had gone on too long and was affecting his normal behaviour.  We usually get on so well and I absolutely love him and wouldn't hurt him for the world.  Or her but  the venom and viciousness of her wears me out.  The last text was that unless I apologised to him for invading his privacy and to her for lying that  that would  be it.  The only thing I could do was say I was not lying.  Over and over I said I was telling the truth,  why would I  make this up.  I only retired last year and have five other grandchildren and  a big family and things are harmonious with everyone else.      I know it seems dramatic but I seriously feel like I don't want to live when I am in the middle of one of these things with her.  If my  own mother had said that to me I would have just said thanks for alerting me , I will keep an eye, but for her it was the end of the world and I was a vicious oul witch trying to ruin her sons reputation and she actually used the words his reputation .  Thanks for reading this , if you did.  I  just need to say it to someone because my sons are sick of this whole scenario with my daughter.  Does anyone think i should just let her go and cut off from her. By the way this is only the tip of the whole story with her, she has been outrageous  and I really believe she hates me and to be honest I don't feel anything for her anymore except  duty and responsibility and   I admit I am afraid of her.                                                                             

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

   Welcome Cerasoli,

    It was hard to read your post, you are going through so much pain. I'm sorry for that. I'm a grandma too, I'd be right there with you watching and listening to everything he did. Obviously something was effecting him, you saw it.    My mind goes o the statement you made "I admit I am afraid of her". How sad that is and how much pain that must cause you. But if that's how you feel, I would wonder how her feels about his mother.
   I do get it, I know that is just the tip, my daughter is 35. Man can she be vicious   I don't want to be around her during those times either.
   It sounds like you could benefit from using the S.E.T. method. Find a lesson here to the right under tools ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->> >> >>. When the way we interact with the BPD is not working, we need to need to change the way we do it.
   I can tell you love your grandchild and don't want to up set the balance of being able to spend time with him. And at the same time I hear the weariness in you at dealing with your daughter. You asked the question "does anyone think I should just let her go"?  I cannot answer that question but, I can tell you that sometimes when we as parents are so worn out, a break is a good thing; for us!
    Some quiet can always be refreshing. You have so much on your plate and you always bite your tongue to keep the peace. What about you? What about what you need? There are plenty o other parents here who feel just like you do right now. Take your time, read some other posts.
     there is great support here for you.

[Feeling Better]

Hello Cerasoli

I am so sorry to hear of what is happening in your life right now and would like to join bluek9 in welcoming you here.

quote Cerasoli
 I  just need to say it to someone because my sons are sick of this whole scenario with my daughter.  Does anyone think i should just let her go and cut off from her. By the way this is only the tip of the whole story with her, she has been outrageous  and I really believe she hates me and to be honest I don't feel anything for her anymore except  duty and responsibility and   I admit I am afraid of her.                                                                              

What exactly is it that your sons are sick of with your daughter? Is it her behaviour in general or is it the way that she treats you that they don’t like? It used to upset one of my daughters who witnessed the way my son was with us and she used to say that we let him get away with so much. And of course she was so right but we were too afraid at that time of saying anything to him, we just didn’t want to upset him or turn him against us. You say that you are afraid of your daughter, are you afraid of what she might do or say to you? I will give you a link to an article which you might find useful right now, you just need to click on it.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

It sounds as though you aren’t getting much support from your sons right now if they are sick of your daughters behaviour, do you have anyone else who you can turn to for support?

The sentence that I have highlighted yellow, what is your answer to the question that you are asking? My answer is that I cannot tell you what I think you should do, that is something that you and you alone must decide for yourself. I would however urge you to read up as much as you can on BPD and take advantage of all that is on offer here on this site before making that decision x