I'm done, she's with everyone now

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

so, this is the final straw, I'm definitely over my ex

I saw a photo album on fb from a pub, and she was photographed literally with everyone inside (men only, of course). She was even very close with one guy (prove that she already changes partners since I saw her with a different guy this week). She drinks now also, and is in company of her stalker that she "hated" all the time

I don't know why I had a special treatment, she was isolated during our relationship, she was social before and now after our relatuonship. That hurts me a lot.

[gilac]

so, this is the final straw, I'm definitely over my ex

I saw a photo album on fb from a pub, and she was photographed literally with everyone inside (men only, of course). She was even very close with one guy (prove that she already changes partners since I saw her with a different guy this week). She drinks now also, and is in company of her stalker that she "hated" all the time

I don't know why I had a special treatment, she was isolated during our relationship, she was social before and now after our relatuonship. That hurts me a lot.

[gilac]

I slept for only 3 hours, I'm feeling sick and don't know what to do.

I definitely start to hate this person, our 1.5 year relationship was a big lie. She pretended she was  introverted and isolated, she drown me into isolation, I became detached from my social life.

Now she is with everyone, even posing for photos while this guy (who is a main organizer of a festival btw) is kissing her hands. People, it took me more than one month in our relationship until she "felt comfortable" to take a photo with me. Now, overnight, she poses with every guy in the pub for photos that go on official fb pages for everyone to see. I never saw her smiling like this, I never saw her allowing other guys to touch her everywhere just like that. This is disgusting!

Now I know she had all those guys in mind (some are her previous mutual friends "she used to hate", even her stalker during our time. I don't have a feeling that we were together anymore, this was a big fraud from the beginning.

I can sit here talking "nah, she has BPD, she will be worse" but the fact is, she IS having a good time with everyone and they all finally got their cup of cake. While I'm sitting here devastated and sick, barely having anyone to call. She is surely one of the worst things that happened to me, one of the worst.

I didn't eat and I can't eat, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I can't wait for time to heal this and to forget about her, but the thing is, she lives close, we are from the same hometown, which means I will see her frequently during the summer. She used to rub it to her stalkers by forcing me to stand, kiss etc in front of them, she will surely do this to me also. I bet she would be happy to read all this, she did what she wanted.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi gilac, I'm sorry to hear you're hurting so much.   

What motivated you to look on her fb page?  It must be very painful to see her doing things you believed she didn't like or want to do when you were together.  Did you want to be more social with her?  You're going through a really difficult time right now, and looking at what she is doing isn't helping you to feel any better.  Do you think you could put a boundary on yourself regards that? 

The best thing you can do at this time is to focus on yourself and your own healing.  Losing someone we love hurts like hell and you're going to cycle through a lot of emotions.  Reducing opportunities to add to that is going to be a healthy move at this point.  What are you doing to help yourself cope with the grief?

Love and light x

[gilac]

Hi Harley Quinn, thanks again for your support.

I actually accidentaly bumped into a photo album of the page I follow, there was an event, and I was viewing the photos and there she was on most of the pictures, looking comfortable with the camera and the people, hanging around only with men.  This hurt me much more than seeing her with that guy the other day. On those photos she is with another, so, yeah, it hurts even more knowing she is jumping from one to another.

Well, today I started wearing contact lenses again, I shaved my beard, planning a new haircut, I want to feel new and fresh. I 'm contacting people, not letting her isolation follow me in the future. I was diagnosed with mild social anxity few years ago, I don't want to drown in that again. I hope I don't sound too much BPD with those changes  but I had that in plan already, but she had her own visions of my haircut haha.

This was so sudden for me, even if I knew after discovering BPD that everything will go how it usually goes with those people. Everything I sad to her was correct (that she will find someone fast, that she will come back to all the stalkers etc), she was claiming that she didn't need any relationship because "you can't talk anything with your partner like you talk with your friends". I laughed at this statement. I think she decided not to enter in a relationship, yet to jump around her new friends so she can't be hurt or something.

[Harley Quinn]

Doing things that make you feel good and being aware of the risks to your mental health sounds really positive.  Connecting with others is a great way to access your soothing emotional system, which allows you to feel a sense of belonging and value.  These are all wise steps to take.  This is going to hurt, but it will get better and we can make it easier or harder on ourselves.  Refusing to lie down and drown in social anxiety is definitely going to make things easier overall for you.  Happy new haircut! 

Love and light x

[Shawnlam]

so, this is the final straw, I'm definitely over my ex

I saw a photo album on fb from a pub, and she was photographed literally with everyone inside (men only, of course). She was even very close with one guy (prove that she already changes partners since I saw her with a different guy this week). She drinks now also, and is in company of her stalker that she "hated" all the time

I don't know why I had a special treatment, she was isolated during our relationship, she was social before and now after our relatuonship. That hurts me a lot.

I know it hurts like hell to see that happen but don’t beat yourself up about it.Its a common practice amongst some individuals with BPD,mine is dating not 1 but 2 of her ex’s right now and they both hate each other from a past triangulation cheating drama .This is apart from the men she will be with from her partying / drinking binge she is on now and it’s pretty severe this time.I don’t get mad anymore as it no longer makes me feel like crap or cheated.Now I look upon this and say oor woman ,so beautiful and kind , a mother of two ,destroying herself like this .All those men circling her like vultures none really caring to understand why she acts like this ,none giving her true love to bother .Then I walk away sad when I hear this news ,not sad I lost her poor me no no no sir, I feel sad for her.Sad she never realized what she had and lost,what she could of had but lost,sad because she never can or will be ble to realize any of that .I hope her abusive acts don’t cause her anything exceptionally negative in her life ,I hope she stays as safe as she can when doing them. 
Once you heal enough over time and understand BPD a bit more,this switch in thinking will help you to not take it personally as much and eventually at all.

[Cromwell]

Agree with shawnlam, if there is anything I learned that really helped is to avoid taking it personally, in the sense of, avoid trying to take these actions as that of a normal minded person who has seen you as some special victim to terrorise. It was a byproduct consequence and if you look further into her past (im sure there is plenty that has been obscured, hidden and rewritten by her) there will be plenty before you having suffered a simiair fate. Whilst the nuances of the behaviour may on the surface appear as bizarre, it is the same MO every time that plays out, its just a matter of when it starts, and thats what comes as the shock to the partner on the receiving end of it.

[Harley Quinn]

I slept for only 3 hours, I'm feeling sick and don't know what to do.

PS I'd suggest you go find something you can stomach to eat and get some rest.  This stuff hurts but we must take extra special care of ourselves if we're going to stay above water.  That means meeting your basic needs at a minimum.  If you need to distract yourself for a while or get some exercise in order to get a rest then do that.  Be kind to yourself.

Love and light x

[gilac]

Thank you everyone for your support once again  

Today I went with a friend on a mountain outside of the city, I barely talked about the situation, it was a pleasant day. Yet, at one point I became emotional again and went quiet. Don't know, it just kicks in... It's always there to be honest. This is the fourth time I'm bit shaken for the last two months. I just came back from a small gig, I was alone, but it was nice to be surrounded by people anyway.

I'm preparing for sleep, but, I don't have any plans for tomorrow (everyone is not available) and I'm feeling sad again. I could go for a walk, but I've already done that in the past two months, It kinda gets depressing over time walking all alone on a nice day.

You're right, I shouldn't take this personal, it's her cycle, it will always be her cycle. She changed partners and was socially very involved during the two months between her previous and a relationship with me. I must see things like that, it's very similar.

Can you help me to try to get my head around the fact that she was anti social only with me? I didn't liked that at the time, I tried to persuade her to meet new people many times, not only me. Why did she deleted all her social media accounts while she was with me? She had those (I know) while she was with the previous one... .
I'm trying to figure out why such a different strategy only for me?

@Shawnlam

Oh boy, what a situation... .I bet she used to "hate their guts" while she was with you? I'm glad that you are in a position not to care anymore. I know that day will come for me, but it will be a long bumpy road.

[Cromwell]

They cut off all accessibility to the past so that you are not able to find the clues of how they behaved in the past. It also helps to idolise you at the moment, my ex never mentioned anything about her previous r/s during the first 2 months. Then the devaluation started, when she felt I was giving other people too much of my attention, she was paranoid that I was cheating on her with women I worked with, so she then went through my own social network and contacted people I knew without me aware. When she did talk about her ex boyfriends it was the same theme; they had all wronged her. One of them tried to speak to me early in the r/s and she demanded that I never listen to him.

You cant just exercise this hurt away, or obsess into things to forget, but they are good things to do regardless, preferable to sitting around and ruminating, yet there is an importance in doing that to.

I sort of enjoyed and was attracted to her being apparently anti-social, like you describe, it brought us very close together and this was the emotional enmeshment. It felt slowly but surely that I was so in love to have her at the very centre of my interests, she was more than happy to be placed there. It very much took me back to the obsessive sort of love from when you are young, but back then it wasnt a romantic emotional invested kind, it was full on infactuation but short lived until finding someone new to "love". This was as if you got the full package straight away and was overwhelming but in a euphoric sense.

But then one day it comes to a very abrupt car wreck feeling and you cant understand what just happened, as prior to that everything seemed wonderful and there was no rational reason for the change in polarity of mood and behaviour.

I spent 2 years following that to try to make sense of it or ask very similar questions to what your doing now, a process of getting over the shock of it all. If I had got traumatic news of having got a form of cancer, id be able to research and understand what was happening. You cant do the same in this scenario and it leads to a lot of frustration.

It wasnt that you were duped or fooled by her, you fulfilled her needs emotionally at the time and she just did everything to ensure that. The problem is that no-one is allowed to get too close and that is where the pushing away starts and they go elsewhere and begin the whole cycle again.

its painful, its hurful, this board wouldnt exist if it wasnt a recognised trend, thats why really believe it was not a personal attack it is recognised pattern of behaviour and your far from being alone in what your going through. Be wary if she ever gets back in contact, it can feel that it could be the cure for the pain your going through and that there is a way to excuse away her behaviour, ie, get answers from her for the questions you are asking here. It just made things more difficult for me in the long run, the behaviour is not based in rationality, it is bizarre because it is entirely emotionally driven and rooted in lack of impulse control.

If she has identity issues, it could well be that the time you were with her she thought of herself as the anti-social type, now she has transformed herself into a new persona, the gregarious outgoing party girl. Changing identity is the same for my ex as changing into a different jacket for anyone else.

what im trying to say is, dont take this as a personal slight against yourself, or sign of being deficient in some way. Its normal to think that, if dealing with normal relationship. People have argued the point that "no one" is normal, I prefer to go with statistics, BPD is about 2-3% of the population, therefore, what I encountered is not the "norm" and cannot be judged anywhere close to what constitutes the average expectations of a r/s across the population.

[gilac]

first,
I was sitting on a bench on a square in front of the place I live in. It only took around five minutes until she and her new bf showed up again. That are the consequences of living in the same street in a crowded area. I was looking at my phone, than I briefly turn my head up, they slowed down and she was pointing to her bf that they should go around the traffic (the pedestrian path is wide) just so they can pass as much closer to me as they can. And they did do that and came back on their original path and went on. Her head was turned towards me and she looked at me from behind him. As they went on she did looked confused and had her confused walk that I'm familiar with.

I found this situation very funny, I was actually feeling better after that. She is still intrigued by me, be it that she wanted me to see them and be jelaous or something different, I can just guess her intentions... .But the fact that they slowed down and stopped and passed closer by her demand just proves that she can't detach herself from her past (me) and that she allows herself that her behaviour can be influenced by me.

Poor guy... .


second,
I was reading her messages with me during our relationship and couldn't believe how much obvious red flags I didn't noticed. For example, once she send me a printscreen of a comment from a youtube user that went something like "
I listen to this song when I'm suicidal, I cry thinking of the love of my life who I pushed away with my overbearing pesonality". She was texting similar thoughts about me... .If only I knew about BPD back then, this would be so obvious.
During our break up she denied feeling like that and projected all of it on me.

Then the devaluation started, when she felt I was giving other people too much of my attention, she was paranoid that I was cheating on her with women I worked with, so she then went through my own social network and contacted people I knew without me aware. When she did talk about her ex boyfriends it was the same theme; they had all wronged her.

same happened to me... .getting furious because I'm seeing my female friend, accusing me that I have something going on with my colleagues, stalking my friend list... .she even admitted once that she blocked one person because she accidentally liked her photo. I was like... ."girl, why are you doing those things to yourself? Why are you making up those things and making yourself nervous? Now I know.

If she has identity issues, it could well be that the time you were with her she thought of herself as the anti-social type, now she has transformed herself into a new persona, the gregarious outgoing party girl. Changing identity is the same for my ex as changing into a different jacket for anyone else.

Probably... .She was probably aiming to be alone for some time but was in need of a caretaker. After she destroyed everything with me she was probably euphoric to know people again.

[gilac]

my ex had a tendency to share songs on social media that were related to her current mood, she also confirmed this to me many times (songs during her last break up were related to the situation) and she always pointed out the lyrics.

knowing that, I know every meaning behind every song she shared. a friend sent me a song she shared few days after she blocked me which indicated to me that she is getting involved with someone new, but, the intersting part is that the song admits depression and future events and somehow sums up the BPD mood in that moment

here are the lyrics, I think you will find this interesting since she perfectly describes her mental state
https://genius.com/Soko-i-just-want-to-make-it-new-with-you-lyrics

[Shawnlam]

my ex had a tendency to share songs on social media that were related to her current mood, she also confirmed this to me many times (songs during her last break up were related to the situation) and she always pointed out the lyrics.

knowing that, I know every meaning behind every song she shared. a friend sent me a song she shared few days after she blocked me which indicated to me that she is getting involved with someone new, but, the intersting part is that the song admits depression and future events and somehow sums up the BPD mood in that moment

here are the lyrics, I think you will find this interesting since she perfectly describes her mental state
https://genius.com/Soko-i-just-want-to-make-it-new-with-you-lyrics

You know you just kicked my memory tapes on the whole music thing , now that I think of it my ex did something similar, I find they act very childish in these stupid ways.

[gilac]

My days go by so far with a lot of waves of different feelings and moments when I feel kinda sick.

Anyway, I was reading trough our chat messages during the relationship and found many texts where she was indicating it all, but I didn't understand it at the time.

One of the interesting things she wrote to me last summer about the night when we met each other: "I introduced myself to you in that kind of episode. It was something good out of bad, impulsive reaction, kinda desperate. I had to do that in order to pull myself out, that saved me, and I did get something beautiful out of it."
At that time I didn't give any attention how she wrote this, but now I see that she openly explained to me why she wanted to meet me that night. This just proves that I was just another person in her never ending cycle that was repeated now, but with a different guy.

Another thing that's on my mind and would appreciate your thoughts about it. I'll be in my (our) hometown next week, and since it is a small city, you often bump into someone familiar. I'm thinking about her parents, I often saw them whenever I went there.
I guess that her dad will probably ignore me or stop to talk with me. Somehow, I do want to talk to him (maybe he would be more reasonable to talk with). A month a go I was thinking it would be a good idea to have a conversation with him if I see him. Now, I'm not that sure since she is with another guy. But somehow, I want to let him know that she needs help and that they need to be nice to her and understand what actually happened between us. However, at the same time, I feel like I don't care anymore and it's their problem to deal with actually.

Tomorrow is her birthday and I won't contact her. The present I bought earlier will remain here, she ruined my birthday few months earlier by provoking our first fight. I hope I don't get too emotional on that day. I have this weird feeling that I don't care, I know it has to be like that.

[Harley Quinn]

How are you doing?  Today is no doubt bringing a lot up for you.   

I have this weird feeling that I don't care, I know it has to be like that.

It doesn't have to be anything.  It's OK to feel whatever you feel.

Love and light x

[gilac]

How are you doing?  Today is no doubt bringing a lot up for you.  

It doesn't have to be anything.  It's OK to feel whatever you feel.

Love and light x

Hi Harley Quinn  

Yes, today is her birthday, I woke up after having a very vivid dream about her, we kissed and were together for the first time since our break up. Weird, I didn't wake up in panic like the days before. However, I don't have an urge to send her anything, there's no worry about that.

I'm just confused, how did I manage to feel better and positive weeks after the breakup and feel so devastated now? Seems like her mind games and "moving forward" very fast hit me more that the initial breakup. I know everything now, listening and researching every day, I know that she has this evil side I don't need to meet anymore. Yet I still feel kinda low.

[Harley Quinn]

That's perfectly normal as you process things and you'll move through a range of emotions. Sometimes we can feel like we're going backwards but with awareness that's all part of gradually moving forwards. This detaching and healing lark takes time and can bring up a lot along the way. I try to take the learning I can and watch out for personal insights and realisations along the way, as that's where the treasure lies.

Well done for remaining true to yourself and focusing on what is healthy for you. We can love someone and still decide that being with them is bad for us. That's not the idea we've been sold about true love though and that's where the disconnect can be. Making this conscious choice to let love go can feel like a death. Allow yourself to grieve. 

Love and light x

[Wicker Man]

Yes, today is her birthday... .  ... .I'm just confused, how did I manage to feel better and positive weeks after the breakup and feel so devastated now?

Gilac my ex's birthday was the 31st and it was a bad day for me too, in fact our engagement party was last year on her birthday.  I am guessing there will be several trigger dates for me as I continue to heal.  Both good dates and bad dates. 

She first broke up with me on my birthday and the final battle was Christmas.  She was so angry she didn't remember the significance of either date -it was just another day for rage.  Hopefully come December I will have healed enough that she won't come to mind so much.

In reading your thread I might offer a few suggestions which helped me.  You may want to consider deleting or at least archiving all the text messages you shared with her.  Pictures too.

I finally had to do this, because I was in a spiral of 'rumination'  looking for answers in old text messages -this was keeping me trapped in the relationship and preventing me from detaching and accepting it was over.  She is gone out of my life and I need to accept this in my heart.

You may also want to donate or return her present rather than leave it in your home as a reminder.  I have removed everything she gave me. 

It was devastatingly hard for me to not look at social media to see what she was doing on her birthday.  I promised myself the date of our engagement last year (a week before her birthday) was the last time I would look.  It has been hard, but I have managed it.  It seems to get easier little by little each day.

It has been 2 days since then and I am beginning to feel stronger -but her birthday was a hard day for me as well.  Time has been helping me heal, but the other day was a brief step backwards -now I am moving forward again.

Best wishes for today -stay strong.

Wicker Man

[gilac]

Thank you both for your words!

Well, I actually felt OK today comparing to previous days (or weeks), I think it's now in the evening hours when it starts to kick a little bit, maybe because I know what we did on her previous birthday.
My brother arrived today so I have company and feel more stable.

Wicker Man, good advices, I'm already packing her stuff to move it all in my hometown next week and put it with her other things in one place. I'm also planning to archive all our photos and other media to a CD etc. I've blocked her on facebook for that intention, as you noticed, only those messages remain.

Speaking of belongings, one of my is still at her place. I don't want to contact her directly, but maybe I could ask one of our mutual friends to get it from her. I don't know if that's a good idea, but I don't like the fact that she took all her stuff and never brought mine back.

The anniversary part you're talking about, I see it's very common for them to make drama on those days. Her switch clicked on New Years eve (night the devaluation started), our first fight ever was a month later on my birthday (where she started provoking me as soon as she stepped into my flat), our 1,5 anniversary night out was full of arguing and reflecting on our "bad relationship" and so on... .

Thank you for your support, it's time for cleaning up!

[Wicker Man]

I don't want to contact her directly, but maybe I could ask one of our mutual friends to get it from her. I don't know if that's a good idea

There are several things of mine which are still in the apartment we shared.  I have no idea what she will choose to do with them when she returns.  Perhaps she will contact a mutual friend and offer to send them back to me -but I am considering them written off.  A small cost for piece of mind and maintaining the no contact -which I hope will allow both of us to heal.

I am glad you are doing ok today!


Wicker Man

[gilac]

So, I'm in my hometown for the next week or two and the recover feels much stronger. I'm not alone here, I have plenty of distractions and it's much calmer than in the big city.

I still think about her almost 24/7, I still have dreams and so on, but I feel better while I'm away from our neighbourhood that reminded me too much of the hard times.
There are plenty of reminders over here also, but those are from the good times and it doesn't feel that bad.

The thoughts about anything intimate must be avoided at all costs because it brings the hardest feelings. That's why I even have problems trying to fantasize about other women. My brain is still connected to her. It feels awful, so I must remain asexual, if I can put it that way.

I've made the decision that I won't contact her in any way about my belongings and leave it as it is. I'm proud that I don't have any need to initiate any contact at all. I'm aware that she is in the honeymoon phase with her new bf and I know exactly her thoughts now. The only fear I have is for the future events if she wants to make me jealous (she did this to others before). I guess that the best way to react is to be very positive about myself, I don't want to feed her with any pity.

[Wicker Man]

So, I'm in my hometown for the next week or two and the recover feels much stronger. I'm not alone here, I have plenty of distractions and it's much calmer than in the big city.

The room to breath and being with friends must feel great!  It should also give you a better perspective and more of a foundation for when you return to the city.  I am glad for you.

I still think about her almost 24/7, I still have dreams

I have found for me the thoughts of her are slowly fading to the background.  Fortunately I have not had a dream of her in quite some time.  It was really hard when I was still seeing her in my dreams.

That's why I even have problems trying to fantasize about other women. My brain is still connected to her. It feels awful, so I must remain asexual, if I can put it that way.

I believe fantasizing about my ex in any sort of a sexual manner would be a setback and have avoided it.  In other words I agree completely.

I've made the decision that I won't contact her in any way about my belongings and leave it as it is. I'm proud that I don't have any need to initiate any contact at all.

I feel it is better to leave a sleeping dog be.  Things are just things, piece of mind is priceless.

The only fear I have is for the future events if she wants to make me jealous (she did this to others before). I guess that the best way to react is to be very positive about myself.

I should guess as you detach more firmly and focus on yourself it should insulate you from any attempt she might make at creating jealousy. 

Thank you for sharing.  Have a nice vacation.

Wicker Man

[Shawnlam]

So, I'm in my hometown for the next week or two and the recover feels much stronger. I'm not alone here, I have plenty of distractions and it's much calmer than in the big city.

I still think about her almost 24/7, I still have dreams and so on, but I feel better while I'm away from our neighbourhood that reminded me too much of the hard times.
There are plenty of reminders over here also, but those are from the good times and it doesn't feel that bad.

The thoughts about anything intimate must be avoided at all costs because it brings the hardest feelings. That's why I even have problems trying to fantasize about other women. My brain is still connected to her. It feels awful, so I must remain asexual, if I can put it that way.

I've made the decision that I won't contact her in any way about my belongings and leave it as it is. I'm proud that I don't have any need to initiate any contact at all. I'm aware that she is in the honeymoon phase with her new bf and I know exactly her thoughts now. The only fear I have is for the future events if she wants to make me jealous (she did this to others before). I guess that the best way to react is to be very positive about myself, I don't want to feed her with any pity.

It gets easier over time just keep busy and don’t focus on the positives as most where probably mirroring or lovebombing.You can remember them as fun good memories sure but don’t  think that was the relationship.Best not to focus at all on them by working on yourself and you will see no need to waste time on them anymore ( they aren’t on you/us) .The best thing I’ve learnt to do is remember all this as a learning experience of what to not do and what to look for as red flags in any future relationships.In a way although we could have done without ,they did us a favor by educating us.
Best of luck to you!

[once removed]

so how are things going gilac?

[gilac]

so how are things going gilac?

Thanks for asking!

Well, I'm back from my hometown where I had a great time and managed to clear my mind a lot. I have a lot of plans for the near future and I felt positive. However, a severe private problem kicked in right away and I'm kinda in a real tough situation. She entered my mind again because I'm generally mad at people who try to destroy me this year for some reason.
I have to face with a very challenging period in the next couple of weeks (yet again) just after I kinda found peace after all of this with her. But I won't go into details, I just hope that I won't see her in the neighbourhood, it would just add salt to the wounds.

For now, I'm distancing myself more and more from her, she is still on my mind but not as the main problem anymore, each day she is more of a stranger to me and I'm starting to feel distance and indifference towards her. Just hope there will be no triggers.

[once removed]

a vacation can be great for clearing the mind, and goals/things to look forward to really go a long way for sure. so youre finding things are getting lighter and easier?

sorry to hear about the personal situation. youre certainly welcome to share here.

[gilac]

Yes, I'm planning a vacation, also there are a lot of plans with friends to visit art festivals and stuff and that makes me excited. Dare I say that I'm feeling the freedom without anyone beside me who would calculate with whom I'm talking, hang out or making plans.

Time does heal, I think that my brain finally gets it that this person isn't 24/7 with me and that she isn't "the other part of me". After 3 months of not hanging out together it does get slowly to my mind that it is an "old" routine.

She did creep into my mind during this new situation, only because I remembered when I had someone beside me to encourage me to resolve my problems and bring me some kind of an escape of it all. But I do know now that in order to do some things right I need to do them alone and the reward will feel much more stronger after the bumpy road.

I must admit that I do have a fear of seeing her or finding out something new about her because it would probably be something that is 180° from what she was during our relationship.

Then again, I feel more and more independent and I'm embracing myself stronger, even stronger than before, I think. I have a feeling that I'm on the right track in this detaching phase.

[once removed]

there are a lot of plans with friends to visit art festivals and stuff and that makes me excited.

awesome! i just said this in another thread, but having things to look forward to really helped me to get through, and to start seeing a future.

I think that my brain finally gets it that this person isn't 24/7 with me and that she isn't "the other part of me". After 3 months of not hanging out together it does get slowly to my mind that it is an "old" routine.

its an adjustment for sure, but a sense of normalcy and new routine can help us adapt and start to pull out of the grief.

She did creep into my mind during this new situation, only because I remembered when I had someone beside me to encourage me to resolve my problems and bring me some kind of an escape of it all. But I do know now that in order to do some things right I need to do them alone and the reward will feel much more stronger after the bumpy road.

this will happen naturally from time to time, and i think youre dead on about the reward and growing feelings of independence. make everything an adventure!

Then again, I feel more and more independent and I'm embracing myself stronger, even stronger than before, I think. I have a feeling that I'm on the right track in this detaching phase.

if youre feeling stronger from time to time, you might want to join us on the Learning board, where we work through the later stages of detaching!