Creating boundaries

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey all,

I've been thinking, and exploring boundaries for a long time.  I realize that society has poor boundaries.  I can create semi decent boundaries with my BPD mother, but I have been increasingly aware of my own boundaries in my work place and with other people.

For example, identifying when something is not my responsibility to complete, or when the work being asked exceeds the amount of hours I am paid for.  More and more, I am seeing my own value and not allowing myself to be taken advantage of... .

I'd like to hear all the different ways you all started setting boundaries with the outside world-  and when did you realize you needed to set them?

[Mooberry]

Hey all,

I've been thinking, and exploring boundaries for a long time.  I realize that society has poor boundaries.  I can create semi decent boundaries with my BPD mother, but I have been increasingly aware of my own boundaries in my work place and with other people.

For example, identifying when something is not my responsibility to complete, or when the work being asked exceeds the amount of hours I am paid for.  More and more, I am seeing my own value and not allowing myself to be taken advantage of... .

I'd like to hear all the different ways you all started setting boundaries with the outside world-  and when did you realize you needed to set them?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Mooberry, 

For me the beginning of seeing myself set boundaries didn't begin until I saw myself as having value. My T assures me that I do have boundaries, but so often I feel that I don't. Throughout my time in T, I'm finally beginning to understand that I DO have value, and that has begun to turn the tables for me.

Here is an example from this week. I prepared a nice meal a few days ago, and cooked chicken on the grill for DH and myself. It came out very good, and I'd spent a lot of time working hard at doing something nice. When I served the chicken, DH told me it was nice. Then he proceeded to tell me how he wished it had been cooked differently and smoked. I started to feel pretty upset, and it took me some time to figure out why. For all of our marriage this type of thing has been going on, and now I am finally seeing it for what I feel it is, that nothing is ever quite good enough. Now, after all these years, I am not ever going to change him, nor is it right to try. However, I can protect myself by letting him know that my time is worth respecting and myself as well, and that if he chooses to make comments like that to me in the future, I chose to not make the meal for him.

I value the time a person puts into making meals and respect the care they took to do so.
DH says he values that same thing, but by always (and I do literally mean always) pointing out what he wants differently, he is not having the same values as I do.
I can state my values to him. If he is unable to see mine as being valuable as well, then we are at a point of disagreement. What do we do then? Is it something that we can work out? Is it a deal breaker? For each person it is different.

I put a fence around what I valued when I told him that I deserve respect for my time and effort and would appreciate that he not go on to tell me what I could have done differently. If he attempts to come through my 'fence' and do this again, I will need to keep my fence firm and not let him knock it down, and he'll have to prepare his own meal. I have value. So does he. If he makes a meal, then I will give him the respect that he deserves for making a meal and not criticize it. It will not work to say, "don't you ever do that again." That's what we commonly mistake as a boundary.

That's the best I can do at explaining what I understand about boundaries. I'm sure it's not perfect. Those of us who grew up with a parent that had BPD really struggle in this area. It is so very common among us.

Wools

[Harri]

Hi!  Great topic.  

As a Fixer, I always think of internal "boundaries" (not the correct word, I still can't think of the right word!) when talking about this.  Knowing where I begin and end in relation to another.  Not stepping in and trying to rescue others who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, whether they know it or not.  

I used to try to fix things all the time and I am still learning to zip it about certain things.  Once a friend was talking with me and she said "Harri, I need you to just listen not give me solutions".     What a gift she gave me when she said that.  I have also stepped in it with less positive results and I have been grateful for that lesson as well, though it hurt and was embarrassing.  On the flip side, others have been more than happy for me to do the dirty work and silly me would rush in to handle things... .only to usually have it blow up in my face.  Holding myself back is a work in progress.

Being a Fixer/rescuer often means violating others boundaries of Self.