Still Reeling from Recent Breakup

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was in a 2.5 relationship with a BPD partner who had been going to counselling regularly for many years prior to beginning our relationship. I relocated to be with her and we built what I believed to be a great life together. Things were really good for the first year and a half of our relationship, I loved our life and it seemed like she did too. However, near the end of last year, she took a job which triggered her BPD/PTSD and things started to go downhill from there.

She began spiralling in most areas of her life, spending money she didn't have, missing appointments, not taking her meds and eventually began pulling away from our relationship. As a supportive partner, I just tried to reassure her that I was there for her, made suggestions on appropriate ways to deal with any crisis that arose and encouraged her to return to counselling.

Over the past few months she actually began meeting with a trauma-specific counsellor where she began dealing with many things that had come up from her abusive childhood. It was during this time she began to hang out with much younger people and just basically started to avoid coming home. After coming home late one night, she told me she hadn't been coming home because she couldn't stand to be around me, didn't want to be with me and was tired of pretending. After this, I felt extremely hurt and confused and had no idea what to do or where to turn.

After a few days we began to talk and she indicated that she didn't really feel that way, wanted to be together and asked if I would go to see her counsellor with her to help work on our relationship. At the counselling appointment we talked about how we could help to repair our relationship. After this, she made an effort to be home a few nights in a row but then it all fell apart.

On Wednesday, I discovered she had stepped outside the boundaries of our relationship with a much younger co-worker. After I confronted her with this information, she told me she had told me she didn't want to be with me and we hadn't been together for the past few weeks anyway. As my own disgust and embarrassment at the situation came out, she got very angry and began to intimidate me physically. It ended with her physically assaulting me and being arrested for and charged with domestic abuse. And because she refused to even stay with friends until I could arrange for a work transfer to my hometown, I was forced to pack up my whole life and move out within 24 hrs and stay with family in said hometown.

Now I'm just sitting here, wondering how things ever got to this point. I really can't believe that this is my life. Was I a fool to not see this coming?

[Wakemeup]

I was in a 2.5 relationship with a BPD partner who had been going to counselling regularly for many years prior to beginning our relationship. I relocated to be with her and we built what I believed to be a great life together. Things were really good for the first year and a half of our relationship, I loved our life and it seemed like she did too. However, near the end of last year, she took a job which triggered her BPD/PTSD and things started to go downhill from there.

She began spiralling in most areas of her life, spending money she didn't have, missing appointments, not taking her meds and eventually began pulling away from our relationship. As a supportive partner, I just tried to reassure her that I was there for her, made suggestions on appropriate ways to deal with any crisis that arose and encouraged her to return to counselling.

Over the past few months she actually began meeting with a trauma-specific counsellor where she began dealing with many things that had come up from her abusive childhood. It was during this time she began to hang out with much younger people and just basically started to avoid coming home. After coming home late one night, she told me she hadn't been coming home because she couldn't stand to be around me, didn't want to be with me and was tired of pretending. After this, I felt extremely hurt and confused and had no idea what to do or where to turn.

After a few days we began to talk and she indicated that she didn't really feel that way, wanted to be together and asked if I would go to see her counsellor with her to help work on our relationship. At the counselling appointment we talked about how we could help to repair our relationship. After this, she made an effort to be home a few nights in a row but then it all fell apart.

On Wednesday, I discovered she had stepped outside the boundaries of our relationship with a much younger co-worker. After I confronted her with this information, she told me she had told me she didn't want to be with me and we hadn't been together for the past few weeks anyway. As my own disgust and embarrassment at the situation came out, she got very angry and began to intimidate me physically. It ended with her physically assaulting me and being arrested for and charged with domestic abuse. And because she refused to even stay with friends until I could arrange for a work transfer to my hometown, I was forced to pack up my whole life and move out within 24 hrs and stay with family in said hometown.

Now I'm just sitting here, wondering how things ever got to this point. I really can't believe that this is my life. Was I a fool to not see this coming?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.    The sudden change in behavior, the break-up, domestic violence, moving back to your home town... .it is a lot to deal with.  Of course you are still reeling!  It does get better though.  The other good news is that you have found a place that is full of people who understand and have been where you are now.  We can help you as you begin to recover and work on figuring out what you want to do next. 

A good place to start is to look over on the right hand side of the page where you will see a bunch of articles under the heading "Getting off the roller coaster". 

You mentioned that your ex was arrested for domestic violence (DV).  Were you given resources to get help for that?  I know you moved but perhaps there are local resources you can look into. 

You mentioned you are staying with family.  Are they supportive?  Were you able to notify work?  I don't want to hit you with a bunch of questions so I will stop here.  Besides, I am sure others will be along shortly.

I do want to re-state that you are in the very best place to get help, support and understanding.  We can serve as a resource for you as well so it is important that you read and post as you are able.  Don't underestimate the value of posting here.  This place has helped me through the roughest part of my healing and has done the same for many others.   

[Mutt]

Hi wakemeup,



Id like join Harri and welcome you to the site. I’m sorry that you’re going through. This is a drastic change - a pwBPD are impulsive don’t be hard on yourself.

told me she hadn't been coming home because she couldn't stand to be around me, didn't want to be with me and was tired of pretending.

My ex said something similar she was having an affair and projecting her feelings of shame on me. Harri asked you some good questions, I know that you got charged, have you retained a lawyer? Is she trying to communicate with you? Hang in there.

[Wakemeup]

Hello and thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post. To answer your questions, I was able to notify work through email and let them know I need to take about a week off, as I had to relocate due to the situation. They were understanding and supportive, as are my family. I am worried though, that a transfer will not come through in time and I will have to give up my position due to being too far away to commute. So many things to consider moving forward.

And due to it being a one-time incident with the DV, I didn't really feel like I needed to access the services they offered at the time. I do plan on going to see my previuos counsellor to work through my next steps, try to understand what happened and begin the healing process.

I have always been a fairly independent person and have had normal and healthy relationships up to this last relationship. One of the worst parts for me is the embarrassment I feel for having been oblivious to what was gong on around me and having to open up about my experience to family and friends.

[Harri]

Hi Wakemeup.  It is good that your work place is being supportive.  I hope you are able to work something out so you can keep your position.  Take things one step at a time though.  It's all you can do really.

I'm glad to hear that you will get in touch with your old therapist.  BPD relationships, even those without DV are complex, painful and it can take a while to get a handle on what happened.  Going to counseling and using the resources we have here can make a huge difference in your healing so I am glad you came back to post again. 

It must be very confusing for you after having had normal relationships prior to this one. 

One of the worst parts for me is the embarrassment I feel for having been oblivious to what was gong on around me and having to open up about my experience to family and friends.

It sounds like she was doing fine when you first met her and was taking responsibility for her disorder.  I think your feelings are understandable under the circumstances and of course it is uncomfortable to open up about it.  but you are opening up.   

Lets put things into perspective here.  You didn't see problems or evidence of the disorder and by the time things started to go really downhill, you were already in an established relationship.  Try not to beat yourself up over it.  As you go to counseling and read more here and read other stories you will begin to see you are not alone and you will be able to see what kept you with her.  By all means, explore your feelings and thoughts, but please do not be hard on yourself.

[Wakemeup]

Hi Harri, I've been doing so much reading on the subject of BPD over the past few weeks and how these relationships always seem to follow a pattern. It's actually blowing my mind to see how similar my relationship has been to that of so many posters on the board and the natural progression of BPD relationships.

Over the course of the relationship she talked to me about the things she had gone through and how her sickness had affected her life up to that point. I was always amazed that she had made it through the life she had lived. And even after it became apparent that this was the most difficult relationship I've ever been involved in, I just kept hoping I could help her heal herself if I proved I would always there for her and treated her well. I was so happy in all the other areas of my life at the time, I just held on in the hopes I could help get her through to the other side of her downward spiral and back to being healthy mentally. But now I can see, it was pretty much a doomed relationship from the start. Not sure if that makes it any easier though.

[Harri]

Hi again.  How are you doing today?

Yes, I imagine thinking the relationship was doomed does not make things easier.  It is painful to realize our love and our efforts to help did not work. 

Trying to prove our love and dedication to someone with BPD or a problem with emotional regulation is almost impossible. 

You might find it helpful to reach out to others here and post in their threads so you can build a bigger support group here.  Talking with others who have experienced the same or similar is so helpful when trying to make sense of things.  Sometimes, someone will say something that just clicks or changes your perspective and there is clarity.

Talk with you soon.

[Wakemeup]

Hi Harri,

Yesterday was kind of difficult for me, as I think my denial is starting to wear off. Everything just feels so raw and my emotions are right at the surface. I just keep trying to visualize a time when the hard part is over and I have come to terms with all the hurt, after having worked through it. But I know it's going to take a while.

Thanks for the advice regarding participating in other threads. I have been doing so much reading I had been putting it off. Plus posting anywhere online is completely new and kind of scary to me. But I will.

[Harri]

Hi wakemeup.  It has been a couple of days since your last post and I want to check in and see how you are doing.  I know things are rough and possibly more so as the shock of what happened wears off and reality sets in. 

Thanks for the advice regarding participating in other threads. I have been doing so much reading I had been putting it off. Plus posting anywhere online is completely new and kind of scary to me. But I will.

It is easy to get burnt out with reading and thinking too much about BPD, your ex and everything that happened.  Take breaks as you need.  Self care is very important right now.  What sort of things are you doing to help you?  Do you have hobbies or exercise? 

Oh!  I almost forgot!  Have you heard anything about your transfer going through?

Post when you can okay?