Much Ado About Nothing. Does It Mean Anything?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Okay, so yesterday, my STBX was scheduled to come to the house, which he left mid-August last year. To prepare for his doing so:

May 14: His L writes my L who writes me. STBX's L writes that STBX wants to pick up some of his personal property (first time he will be back on the property since August). He provides dates and says STBX and I cannot be together without intermediaries, asks that I choose someone (but not anyone from the family STBX has insulted and security. Says we are to both share equally in the cost for security, a person L & STBX selected.  In addition, STBX provides list, not particularly lengthy. He asks for wedding album and a poster that has emotional value.

May 15: I respond with dates and  suggest I move everything he's requesting into the guest house to makes things less stressful on me. Don't want to see STBX. I submit name of intermediary to be in  in the house, say I will get a security person I know and will pick up the cost. And I say no to wedding album and poster.

May 16: My L writes that  my STBX has the right to be in the main house so he can see if there's anything else he wants.  STBX's L writes to my L that the date I selected works and the intermediary I selected will work and that STBX and I can have separate security details, each at our own expense. Nothing is mentioned regarding wedding album or poster. (This is beginning to feel as if I'm preparing for a nuclear summit)

Then I don't hear anything about anything until June. Keep in mind, STBX is scheduled to come June 8.

June 6 starting late afternoon continuing to 9:00 in the evening : STBX, by way of his L and my L, writes: My dogs and I are to be out of the house when he arrives, and I can have the wedding album but he wants the poster. I respond I have nowhere to go with 4 dogs and I will stay in the bedroom (has bathroom, refrigerator, everything) along with the dogs and 4 of the cats and my intermediary, and he can't have the poster. He responds that I have had nearly a year "unsupervised" in the house and that he wants five hours alone (5 hours? His list is small.) but he will compromise: I can stay in the house but the dogs need to be boarded and I have more than enough money to make that happen. And he writes that he has as great an emotional attachment, if not greater, to the poster than I do. I respond to my L that I'd love to be agreeable, but that if STBX had wanted me to be out of the house or board the dogs he needed to tell me long before. L asks what STBX's deal with the dogs is. I don't know except he abused one of the elderly dogs.

Now I hear nothing. I am anxious, distraught, sad. I feel horrible.

June 8: I wake up at 4:30. My heart is pounding. My stomach has a knot in it the size of Texas. I am anxious. To work through the anxiety, I clean, move furniture. I feel a bit better. At 8:30, my intermediary shows up. My security guy shows up. And finally, at 9, the moving truck shows up.
I retreat to the bedroom with 4 dogs, 4 cats, and my wonderful friend/intermediary. I shut the blinds so no one can see in.
And then... .I hear a woman laughing in the hall. I don't want to hear his assistant laughing, so I play music. Loud. I dance. I sing. My friend dances and sings.
I vape my medical marijuana.
I dance some more. I sing, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and ":)on't Come Round Here No More," "This is a Shout Out to My Ex," and a whole lot more. The singing, the dancing helps like you wouldn't believe. I can honestly say I felt good. I felt strong. Here my STBX was practically outside my door, and I was coping.
Until about 1:15. By then STBX and crew had been in the house for 4 hours, packing papers. Four hours collecting papers?
I'm getting anxious. Music isn't helping.
I talk to my friend. I breathe. I'm getting better.
Finally, at 1:45, my security guy lets me know they've all left.
I come out of my room.
Security guy tells me my STBX never even showed. He sent other people to do his work.
Assistant took pics and video of items STBX might want.
I have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy preparing for and working through STBX's presence, including paying for security I didn't need.
My STBX is a no-show.
My opinion? He's a coward, couldn't face being in the house when he knew I was there, or when he knew the dogs were there.
His behavior makes me think (and I could be wrong) that he is not going to want to go to court or mediation or settlement facilitation if there is a chance he'll have to see me.
My takeaway from that (and again I could be wrong) is that his unwillingness to see me bodes well because I suspect he'll be more amenable to negotiating if he doesn't want to see me at all.
Then again, maybe it means absolutely nothing.  
TMD

[toomanydogs]

Okay, so yesterday, my STBX was scheduled to come to the house, which he left mid-August last year. To prepare for his doing so:

May 14: His L writes my L who writes me. STBX's L writes that STBX wants to pick up some of his personal property (first time he will be back on the property since August). He provides dates and says STBX and I cannot be together without intermediaries, asks that I choose someone (but not anyone from the family STBX has insulted and security. Says we are to both share equally in the cost for security, a person L & STBX selected.  In addition, STBX provides list, not particularly lengthy. He asks for wedding album and a poster that has emotional value.

May 15: I respond with dates and  suggest I move everything he's requesting into the guest house to makes things less stressful on me. Don't want to see STBX. I submit name of intermediary to be in  in the house, say I will get a security person I know and will pick up the cost. And I say no to wedding album and poster.

May 16: My L writes that  my STBX has the right to be in the main house so he can see if there's anything else he wants.  STBX's L writes to my L that the date I selected works and the intermediary I selected will work and that STBX and I can have separate security details, each at our own expense. Nothing is mentioned regarding wedding album or poster. (This is beginning to feel as if I'm preparing for a nuclear summit)

Then I don't hear anything about anything until June. Keep in mind, STBX is scheduled to come June 8.

June 6 starting late afternoon continuing to 9:00 in the evening : STBX, by way of his L and my L, writes: My dogs and I are to be out of the house when he arrives, and I can have the wedding album but he wants the poster. I respond I have nowhere to go with 4 dogs and I will stay in the bedroom (has bathroom, refrigerator, everything) along with the dogs and 4 of the cats and my intermediary, and he can't have the poster. He responds that I have had nearly a year "unsupervised" in the house and that he wants five hours alone (5 hours? His list is small.) but he will compromise: I can stay in the house but the dogs need to be boarded and I have more than enough money to make that happen. And he writes that he has as great an emotional attachment, if not greater, to the poster than I do. I respond to my L that I'd love to be agreeable, but that if STBX had wanted me to be out of the house or board the dogs he needed to tell me long before. L asks what STBX's deal with the dogs is. I don't know except he abused one of the elderly dogs.

Now I hear nothing. I am anxious, distraught, sad. I feel horrible.

June 8: I wake up at 4:30. My heart is pounding. My stomach has a knot in it the size of Texas. I am anxious. To work through the anxiety, I clean, move furniture. I feel a bit better. At 8:30, my intermediary shows up. My security guy shows up. And finally, at 9, the moving truck shows up.
I retreat to the bedroom with 4 dogs, 4 cats, and my wonderful friend/intermediary. I shut the blinds so no one can see in.
And then... .I hear a woman laughing in the hall. I don't want to hear his assistant laughing, so I play music. Loud. I dance. I sing. My friend dances and sings.
I vape my medical marijuana.
I dance some more. I sing, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and ":)on't Come Round Here No More," "This is a Shout Out to My Ex," and a whole lot more. The singing, the dancing helps like you wouldn't believe. I can honestly say I felt good. I felt strong. Here my STBX was practically outside my door, and I was coping.
Until about 1:15. By then STBX and crew had been in the house for 4 hours, packing papers. Four hours collecting papers?
I'm getting anxious. Music isn't helping.
I talk to my friend. I breathe. I'm getting better.
Finally, at 1:45, my security guy lets me know they've all left.
I come out of my room.
Security guy tells me my STBX never even showed. He sent other people to do his work.
Assistant took pics and video of items STBX might want.
I have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy preparing for and working through STBX's presence, including paying for security I didn't need.
My STBX is a no-show.
My opinion? He's a coward, couldn't face being in the house when he knew I was there, or when he knew the dogs were there.
His behavior makes me think (and I could be wrong) that he is not going to want to go to court or mediation or settlement facilitation if there is a chance he'll have to see me.
My takeaway from that (and again I could be wrong) is that his unwillingness to see me bodes well because I suspect he'll be more amenable to negotiating if he doesn't want to see me at all.
Then again, maybe it means absolutely nothing.  
TMD

[mama-wolf]

Hi TMD,

What a rough day... .I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that stress for no reason!

I have spent an inordinate amount of time and energy preparing for and working through STBX's presence, including paying for security I didn't need.
My STBX is a no-show.

Do you think  maybe that was part of his purpose for all of it?  To push your buttons, put you through the emotional roller coaster, and even hit your wallet a bit?

His behavior makes me think (and I could be wrong) that he is not going to want to go to court or mediation or settlement facilitation if there is a chance he'll have to see me.

Maybe, but beware of and prepare yourself for the other possibility that he’s going to just yank your chain in whatever ways he can in order to exert some kind of control on the situation. 

I don’t recall all the details of your situation or his previous behavior, but what I have been experiencing lately with my stbx is that she’s realizing how much control over me she has lost, and she is grasping at anything she can to get some of it back.  She has to balance that with actual co-parenting our kids with me and her significantly disadvantaged financially position, but I can tell she’s constantly seeking... .

mw

[BeagleGirl]

TMD,
    I think you should sit for a bit and ponder on how strong you just proved yourself to be.  I know that sometimes I focus on all the anxiety and fear and sadness I am dealing with and feel weak because I feel those things.  I think "a strong person wouldn't let this bother them" and forget that the true test of strength is to feel all those things but still survive and even thrive.
    I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that your gut is right about stbx becoming less contentious in order to not have to be in a room with you.  Sometimes their "crazy" works out to our advantage.  As exhausting as this has been, I feel like I'm seeing your strength building and your outlook brightening.  It may be harder for you to see it in yourself, so know that I am incredibly encouraged to read that you were able to dance and sing through all of that pain.  And I like to believe that on some level, wherever stbx was, he felt an bit unsettled by the echos of your songs resonating through the universe.

BG

[ForeverDad]

I'm a bit surprised your security didn't report sooner that stbX was a total no-show.  Sounds like, despite his demands regarding the terms of his visit, he displayed avoidant behavior by not even coming... .lots of bark but in the end quite toothless.  Going forward you probably can hold to reasonable boundaries, ignore the emotional impact of demands and things will more or less fall into place.  You'll still need Due Diligence but the fretting probably ought to be left in the past.