I've separated from my husband - please share your process

[Depression = 72% of members]

After 34 years, I've now been separated from my husband (with Dependent Personality Disorder) for almost 4 months.  The peace in the home is soo healthy... .but I'm realizing that the road I chose in separating is way harder than I expected. I've had to take in borders, get a new job, become a single mom of a special needs child, and take complete responsibility for our home for the first time. Learning who I am in counseling is a full-time job! I don't want to elicit fear in anyone who's considering leaving... .I just want to say, even though the Honeymoon stage is over- where my daughter and I finally began to get out of fight and flight- I have to say- it is worth every bit of hardship to be able to, for the first time in my life, not feel false responsibility, guilty or fearful on a regular basis in my own home.  Slowly, I am gaining courage, confidence and am embracing this new freedom to be just me... .not "The Good Wife". The progress is slow- but steady.  I'd love to hear from those who are especially a few steps ahead of me... .what your process was. Thank you!

[Jersey G]

After 34 years, I've now been separated from my husband (with Dependent Personality Disorder) for almost 4 months.  The peace in the home is soo healthy... .but I'm realizing that the road I chose in separating is way harder than I expected. I've had to take in borders, get a new job, become a single mom of a special needs child, and take complete responsibility for our home for the first time. Learning who I am in counseling is a full-time job! I don't want to elicit fear in anyone who's considering leaving... .I just want to say, even though the Honeymoon stage is over- where my daughter and I finally began to get out of fight and flight- I have to say- it is worth every bit of hardship to be able to, for the first time in my life, not feel false responsibility, guilty or fearful on a regular basis in my own home.  Slowly, I am gaining courage, confidence and am embracing this new freedom to be just me... .not "The Good Wife". The progress is slow- but steady.  I'd love to hear from those who are especially a few steps ahead of me... .what your process was. Thank you!

[pearlsw]

Hi JerseyG,

Wow! What an uplifting post! You have really inspired me! I'd be a real chump if I can't face my own problems when I look at the challenges you've taken on here! Very impressive!

I have to admit I am steps behind, not ahead, but I want to express my gratitude that you took the time to put this out here and I hope others will join us here and chime in!

Oh wow, is this really the first time in your life you've had such peace? Is your husband, soon to be ex?, able to participate effectively in the parenting piece of things?

warmly, pearl.

[Lucky Jim]

I am gaining courage, confidence and am embracing this new freedom to be just me... .not "The Good Wife". The progress is slow- but steady. 

Hey Jersey G, Like pearlsw, I admire your courage to make a change after 34 years.  Also, I like what you are saying about embracing your new freedom to be yourself again.  I lost myself for a while there in my marriage to my BPDxW, which was not fun, but now I'm back on MY path.

I pretended a lot in my marriage to a pwBPD, keeping up a facade with family and friends that things were OK when the reality was far worse than anyone knew behind closed doors.  When I separated from my BPDxW, I decided to give up pretending and, instead, made a vow to myself that, from here on out, I would be my authentic self and, concurrently, would no longer tolerate abuse of any kind.  That vow was a big part of my process.  What I found out was that being myself was a lot easier and less exhausting than trying to keep up a false front.  In sum, now I strive to act in ways that are consistent with my core while learning to love myself enough that I will never allow myself to be the victim of abuse again.

LuckyJim

[Jersey G]

Thank you, Pearl and LuckyJim for your posts.  I only now saw the posts, and the timing was perfect.  Today, my married son called me.  My daughter and I were looking forward to visiting them (out of state) in August.  My son called to informed me that given my husband and I are separated, they decided they could not have me and my daughter in their home.  They said that my husband and I need to be back in the same home working on our issues. They also said they "love us" but we are basically a very bad example to their 2 children (ages 4 and 2).  The cost of separation continues... .and this is a gut-wrenching pain I did not expect.  I appreciate your prayers.  For 34 years, I was in a miserable marriage to someone with DPD, and I pretended as best I could that all was well.  So, basically, faking it allowed me access to my son's home?  Now, I make the most courageous decision to stop the abuse- with is the healthiest thing I could have done- and I'm shunned.  I know my 2 boys and their wives don't understand DPD- or else they would never dream of asking me to go back to the insanity just so they feel safe?  Prayers appreciated.  <3

[Jersey G]

Pearl said- "Oh wow, is this really the first time in your life you've had such peace? Is your husband, soon to be ex?, able to participate effectively in the parenting piece of things?"

Yes- this is the first time I've not lived with someone with a personality disorder.  My father had one too, and I married at 19.  Divorce is not on the table right now.  My husband is getting psychotherapy 2x a week plus counseling 1x a week.  He is still in panic mode right now.  His doctor told me he's like a man who is in cocaine withdrawal.  I am taking it one day at a time. Is he helping with the parenting?  He takes my daughter out 1x a week. This is the first time he has regularly spent time with her.  She feels somewhat awkward with him, but as long as they meet somewhere public, she has agreed to go.   

[Harley Quinn]

My son called to informed me that given my husband and I are separated, they decided they could not have me and my daughter in their home.  They said that my husband and I need to be back in the same home working on our issues. They also said they "love us" but we are basically a very bad example to their 2 children.

I know my 2 boys and their wives don't understand DPD- or else they would never dream of asking me to go back to the insanity just so they feel safe?

Jersey, before I respond to the above I want to say that I admire your courage and strength to make this decision after so long to put yourself and your daughter's happiness first.  This is a very inspiring thing to read for many out there who may see no way out or any other possible future so I'm really glad that you posted.

It sounds as though your son and his wife are shocked because they didn't see it coming.  You perhaps covered well the effects that the marriage had on you in order to protect them and they now don't fully understand the situation? 

Right now I know it hurts that they have responded this way and there's a good chance that their reasons are more centred around their own feelings in reality.  A 4 and 2 year old are able to take things in their stride if they're communicated to effectively.  However your son is probably feeling hurt and deeply saddened to see his parents separated.  Every child wishes to see their parents remain together, no matter their age and he's probably feeling uncomfortable with the change in his own world.  Some people struggle with change no matter how necessary.  Give them time to work through that and stay strong in following what is right for you.  What you're doing for yourself is a very powerful lesson for any child and a healthy example to set.   You can be proud of that  

Love and light x   

[toomanydogs]

Hi Jersey,
  I want to echo what's already been written here: I admire your courage first to acknowledge the abusive nature of your marriage and second to put a halt to it.
  I have no way of knowing for sure, but I'm guessing that eventually your son will come around. Even if the marriage had not been as difficult as yours must have been, you are the mom and the wife, and you are allowed to change your circumstances.
  I have grown children as well, and both objected when I got involved with my STBX. In hindsight, they were right; however, I still had my own right to pursue the relationship.
  Anyway, I am totally blown away that you were able to get yourself out of a 34-year relationship. Mine was only an 11-year (1 year together, 10 years married), and it was quite the challenge.
TMD

[Jersey G]

Thank you TooManyDogs and Harley for your responses and encouragement.  This morning, I realized that my son and daughter-in-law are entitled to their own process.  I just pray in time, that they will allow me back in their home!  Again, thank you so much for your encouragement! 
Getting myself out of a 34-year relationship still has my head spinning.  I am just now beginning to learn who the heck I am apart from the "caregiver".  I have big waves of the woulda-coulda-shoulda's sweep over me- wondering what my life would have been like had I known about personality disorders before we married. But, as we know, that type of thinking, is rarely fruitful.  I'm choosing to be grateful for at least stopping the insanity at all.  I'm now, like the rest of this group, on the path of self-discovery.  Sounds more self-focused than I want, but learning to love one's self (so I hear) is necessary .  This is foreign ground but worth pursuing- amen? I am oh so grateful for everyone's story here.  Each story matters! 

[Husband321]

His doctor told me he's like a man who is in cocaine withdrawal.  I am taking it one day at a time. Is he helping with the parenting?    

Wow... 34 years is a long time.  I am not sure what DPD is, but lets hope he is ok. You spent more than a lifetime together.

[Jersey G]

Yes, Husband321- 34 years IS a lifetime.

 DPD- Dependent Personality Disorder. Here's a list of symptoms: According to the DSM-5, people suffering from dependent personality disorder show up to 8 distinct symptoms. These symptoms are:

1. Have difficulty making most decisions without first receiving advice, input and/or reassurance from others
2. Hesitate to start projects or disagree with others because they don’t want to risk disapproval or rejection
3. Make excuses for not being responsible and completing tasks they should complete themselves
4. Have an excessive need for constant attention, nurturance and emotional support from others
5. Fear abandonment so much they often remain in dysfunctional or abusive relationships
6. Are afraid of being alone, even for a short time
7. Regularly requiring others to shoulder their responsibilities
8. Unwillingness to disagree with others for fear of disapproval
9. Inability to independently start activities or projects
10. A willingness to allow others to impose rather than face any form of rejection
11. Emotional vulnerability and helplessness
12. Excessive need to enter a new relationship after the end of another
13. Absolute conviction of inability to care for self or perform daily activities alone
14. May be manipulative and untruthful to gain the constant support of others

Along with these symptoms are some similar BPD symptoms... .anger- so much anger, suicidal tendencies, and several addictions.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jersey,

How are you doing?  I'm wondering what you've got in place to help yourself through this time and whether you've taken a look at the Lessons?  They are a great starting point, along with the articles above them, on the right hand menu.  I'll look forward to hearing how you're getting along.

Love and light x

[empath]

First, I want to say that you have been very brave in taking the step to be separate. Sometimes, it is necessary to be able to have some safety and sanity.

My journey is a rather long one; I've been married for 28 years. I had tried most of the "marriage advice" and "counseling advice" to no avail in my marriage. There were several different areas that my h has problems with, but I always thought that they were just different problems. About 5 years ago, I started putting the problems together and realized that they might all be related. A little over 3 years ago, things came to a crisis point in my marriage, and I knew that I had to start making changes. I hadn't worked full time or with consistency, and I knew that I needed to change the power dynamic. I checked into programs to help women such as myself and started a training program. I also put some boundaries in place to help me to feel safe at home while I was doing the program and getting healthier.

This past fall, my h experienced a situation that resulted in his feeling like he might harm either himself, me or our daughter. He decided he needed to leave, initially declaring that he wanted a divorce. He moved out into an apartment 3 months ago and currently has no plans to divorce. (he found out that it's rather expensive to divorce) Interestingly, it was about the same time that I started an internship to gain experience in my chosen field.

My daughter and I are still at our rental house. Things have turned out far better than I thought they would.

[Jersey G]

I'm sorry- I just saw your messages, Empath and Harley!  
First- Harley- I am doing ok. It's a rollercoaster of emotions- is it not? I have felt rather anxious the past few days as I've been around some family members who strongly disagree in our "needing" separation.  It really is opening my eyes to how much judgment there is from people who haven't walked in shoes like ours. We truly cannot know what someone has been thru unless we've walked their path!  Sigh... .

I have not seen the Lessons file... .thank you!  I will check it out.  

Empath - Thank you for sharing your story!  Thank you for your encouragement.  I am so proud of YOU for taking the necessary steps to stay safe.  I spent so many years excusing my husband's behavior- at my own expense. I still find it so difficult drawing the line between "normal" and "unhealthy".  :)o you know what I mean?  I have a lot of deprogramming ahead of me!  Thank you for sharing!

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Jersey,

Just wondering how you're doing at present and what you found helpful in the lessons.  Were you able to establish where you are in the stages of grief and detaching?  We all can move around them a bit and sometimes seem to go backwards and that's not to be alarmed at.  It all adds up to us moving ahead at our own pace.  Is there anything specifically you're struggling with right now?  How are you feeling?

Love and light x

[Jersey G]

Thank you, Harley for your questions.  They are helping me assess where I am.  I also appreciate you stating that we can all move around in the stages of grief and detaching.  That's exactly what is happening, and I went to counseling earlier in the week concerned about that very thing.  I'm finding that as I'm dealing with difficult situations with my husband, kids, friends, family etc. I may be at different stages of grief and detaching in each situation.  I'm shattered in one situation- processing in another - experiencing freedom in yet another.  It's been a bit maddening- but realizing this is normal is helpful.  

What am I struggling with right now? How am I feeling?  The biggest battle is, as a Christian, I have taken my vows seriously.  I know being subject to the abuse is not the Lord's will.  If I'm truly being honest, I don't want my marriage back.  I believe God can do a miracle and bring restoration, but I battle feeling guilty for not wanting any part of it.  I know I'm saying, I want no part of what I've experienced, so unless it's not THAT- then I don't want it.  Make sense?  The other biggie is dealing with how everyone in our circle is dealing with our separation.  I know I am not responsible for their process, but I've experienced everything from shunning, to ignoring, to being the recipient of tons of "counsel" to leave and to stay.  My choosing to say "NO MORE" to the drama inside my home has created a ton of drama outside of my home.  I have struggled with wanting to please others- and I'm quickly realizing I do not have that power . I am intent on keeping my heart tender as much as possible through the process.  I so don't want to walk away with a ton of unforgiveness/hardness of heart.  These are my current struggles and feelings!  I'd love to hear yours!

[Harley Quinn]

I'm glad it's reassuring to know that it's OK to be all over the place emotionally.  In reality most of us find this is the case.  The kindest thing I did for myself was to accept that my feelings were going to come out of nowhere and to not fight them when they did.  What we resist persists.  It may seem like you're not making progress at times, and then one day you'll wake to find that the same things are no longer plaguing you.  Gradually the positives outweigh the negatives.  Hang in there.  

The biggest battle is, as a Christian, I have taken my vows seriously.  I know being subject to the abuse is not the Lord's will.  If I'm truly being honest, I don't want my marriage back.  I believe God can do a miracle and bring restoration, but I battle feeling guilty for not wanting any part of it.  I know I'm saying, I want no part of what I've experienced, so unless it's not THAT- then I don't want it.  Make sense?

Absolutely.  I felt the same way.  I think we reach a point of no return and I'm so glad that you have a counsellor to support you at this tough time.  I can imagine that you are feeling guilt, as many Christians do regards upholding their vows.  That must be hard for you.  What has your counsellor advised around this?  Are they connected to your church?  Releasing yourself from the guilt would be a self compassionate act, as you are dealing with enough already without struggling further.  Jersey, you have tried your very best for a very long time.  There is no one who could justly criticise you for protecting yourself now.  Love thy neighbour as thyself.  This speaks to me as for the first time in my life I realise this is also a reminder that it's just as important to love ourselves as much as we love others.  I think this explains a lot of the imbalance in my past relationships, the latest one being no exception.  What do you think?        

I know I am not responsible for their process, but I've experienced everything from shunning, to ignoring, to being the recipient of tons of "counsel" to leave and to stay.  

Sorry to hear that you've had such reactions from others.  I'm glad that you acknowledge that the responsibility doesn't lie with you to make them feel comfortable.  Are you able to step back a little from people who are impacting you negatively whilst you take care of yourself at this point?  That is, if they are unable to accept your wishes to either approach the topic in a more appropriate way or to not approach it?  

How would you feel about drawing the boundary on yourself to politely exit if the discussion veers in the direction of discussing your separation if necessary?  It would be nice if you could spend time with others right now just enjoying their company and having a positive distraction for a time from the other difficulties you are coping with.  Perhaps that is something you could explain?  

You're entirely right - pleasing everyone is impossible.  It is hard after spending so long considering everyone else's needs above our own, and can feel strange at first, but try to breed some positive habits that are just for your own well being.  If that means taking some time out from other demands and commitments, then give yourself permission.  You deserve some kindness of your own.  

These are my current struggles and feelings!  I'd love to hear yours!

As for me, I'm fully detached and moved on as far as the r/s goes (gentle forgiveness will find you), and am now in the process of taking myself apart to rebuild from the ground up.  I have a counsellor and a therapist who is doing CBT with me at the moment as I work on core beliefs that have shaped me into a codependent with PD traits and long term (complex) PTSD.  It's a big job and can feel overwhelming and scary at times, but I'm committed to it and looking forward to putting my life on a healthier course.  I have to try!

Love and light x  

[Jersey G]

Thank you, Harley, for sharing your thoughts and your journey!  When I read -"What we resist persists" regarding our need to feel... .it hit me between the eyes:). That's a lot to process right there! I think I have some distorted fear that if I allow myself to truly feel everything, I'll end up in a fetal position and never return.  But given I've shoved my feeling down all these years, I've ended up with Adrenal Failure.  Our feelings NEED to be expressed!  Thank you.

Regarding my counselor's view on honoring Christian marital vows... .I will ask her on Wednesday what her view is.  This counselor is a licensed counselor, but yes, she's affiliated with my church.  Yes, learning to love myself is going to be one of my biggest mountains to climb.

How to handle those who oppose our separation?  I do indeed need to come up with a polite answer to kindly say I'm not wanting counseling or their opinion right now.  I don't want to communicate that I am above reproach, but I kindly need to say that I need to focus on what I'm paying my counselor for and right now I don't need another book, article, message on forgiving and forgetting etc. It's especially difficult when they don't understand personality disorders at all.  Sigh... .

Wow-will I ever be at the place where I can say I'm fully detached?  I'm so glad you are there and are getting help too!  Yes, it's a daunting process, and gut-wrenchingly hard, but the journey to health is one we MUST not give up on.  <3

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks Jersey,

I believe that you will do just fine in detaching and healing in your own good time.  If that begins with spending some time in the fetal position, so be it.  We must do what we need to do in order to process.  Allowing ourselves that time to unravel is a must.  At the same time, find ways to maybe redirect the 'support' you're being offered by clearly stating what you do need right now.  My suggestion would be to ask to spend time enjoying a chat and a laugh if possible over coffee, or a lunch/dinner here and there to break up that unravelling time for you and give you some healthy distraction and sense of connection.  Those that care about you will want to be there for you in that way. 

Keep us posted on how things are going, OK?  And be sure to get involved in other discussions, as I picked up a great deal of insight by doing so when I arrived here.  It's a font of knowledge and experience here and the different perspectives available proved really helpful.

Love and light x