Something to celebrate: breaking the 'rules'

[FoxC]

Guys, I'm so happy with my euhh... small victory (over myself) that I had to share it with you.

So there's this uBPD person that we could call my boyfriend... We don't live together, but we are seeing each other for almost two years now. I care for him a lot ! Too much ! He doesn't have any close family or friends... To keep this short, he was recently hospitalized for a few weeks, I visited him every single day and I did a lot of effort for his discharge to prepare everything at his home... .but when finally at home he asked me for a little extra favor concerning his credit card that I wasn't very ok with and he knew it but thought I would 'serve' him anyway given his poor condition. And I was ready, in fact, to 'serve' him, but just told that I don't like it. And then... .he started to shout at me, told me to get lost etc etc.

Ok, so I was at first very angry and I left without saying a word. But short after I left, my mind started creating awful images, like my bf becoming so despaired afterwards, poor guy, he could stop eating, start drinking, even... become suicidal, with no support, other than mine, will he survive? Knowing me, a year ago I would succumb to these thoughts, call him, at least the next day, try to regain his calm (HIS calm?), even excuse him (me, excuse him, for what?)... .I was very low, people.

This time, however, I took a very cold shower and listed some good reasons not to contact him soon. The thing that hurt me the most was seeing how I was enabling this behavior all this time. I was checking, however, my phone and e-mail, very often (nothing there, he was also no-contact) and it was very hard to resist by not 'pleasing him', but I thought, I'd give him (and me) some space to grow, and maybe find some other support. People, it was very hard to me, not knowing if he's... .still alive? (crazy thought pattern, I don't know if anyone could relate to this). So... .four days of pure no contact. Result: I just learned, that he fixed his problem with his credit card himself. Therefore, it means that he's euh... alive, he found some other support or/and did this all by himself !

Well, I don't know where this relationship would go, whether we will stay no contact, whether he'll ever excuse me (I doubt) for his behavior... .
But I sure am happy for maintaining my relative calm and not giving in this abusing behavior.

Wow, that's a long post, it supposed to be short. I just wanted to share my happiness with you, thanks !

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[pearlsw]

Hi ForgingAhead,

That is good news to share! Great that you did not try to help him solve a problem he could solve on his own! And great that you walked away from any emotional abuse!

I don't want to ask for more than is possible here, but can we dial it back to the moment he asked for the favor. What did he say? What did you say? With the benefit of hindsight is there anything that could have happened in that moment to prevent this going so far? I get it if not, totally understandable, but I am just wondering out loud here... .

wishing you peace, pearl.

[FoxC]

Hello, Pearlsw, thanks for reply !

Well, there was not much said. In fact, while in hospital, he asked for the staff to put his credit card in a safe-box, and they did. But it was more difficult to take it back. He didn't want to insist of taking it back while at hospital, therefore, it was even more difficult to do this from his house. I told him before, I don't want to do anything whatsoever that concerns his money (and I followed my boundary) because I think it's just too personal and we're not there yet, and I thought, there were other options for this anyway... .Well he said, he will be left with no money etc etc... .he was too weak to go out to fight his card back... .I said ok, exceptionally I'll do this, the next day I came to his house to take some papers to solve this affair, and I just reminded him, that I don't like to do this... .And then he blew out, shouting, that's fine, there will be no credit card, no money, I can get lost... .

That's pretty much it... .To my point of view, he crossed my boundary, by asking one favor too much, which by the way I was giving up, to his point of view, I could guess, I should have give up this boundary with a smile... .On a second thought... .he could have perceive this as a threat, being left with no available money, and without certainty that he could do this on his own... .

[Catlady3.14]

Hello forgingagain,
 
Glad to hear you stood up for yourself and didn't take the verbal abuse. You decided his money was a boundary and stuck to it!
I totally understand having those fears of... Is he alive? Is he going to be okay on his own? How will anything ever get done?
Fact is, they survived before us and can do it again if they must, right?
It's hard to let go for me!
Good job! 

[FoxC]

Hey CatLady, thanks for support! This little success of resisting to emotional pressure gave me so much validation, and put me in a very satisfying state. Here's how I feel:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWowQub_jVU

[Catlady3.14]

Livin in the sunlight, loving the moonlight... .
Lol I love it.!

[pearlsw]

Hi FoxC,

So what's next? Any other areas you might be able to carve out some victories in? What are your dreams?

warmly, pearl.

[FoxC]

Hey Pearlsw, I have lots of dreams and work on it, and I'm rather successful... .Even more now, when I have some more   free time ! But nothing's so hard to me to obtain as the victory over myself... .
Talking about this relationship with my bf, I don't think I could handle the NC very long (but hey, so far so good!), but I promised to myself, if it's gonna be me who'll break the ice first, I have to make sure that I'm not enabling his latest abusive behavior. Do you think it's possible to do it in this way?

Just to add, till now it was always me who brook the ice... with my 'innocent' inquiries like whether he needs anything... .and that I'd be happy to help him if he needs... .like anything ! You can see how this was a huge enabler to him and I'm not proud of it now. Have to break this pattern.

[FoxC]

Hello guys, just wanted to update my thread as I'm continuing to break some rules... .
So since my last post I had some formal exchanges with my bf, tried to keep it cool and formal... .
He's not going anywhere, staying in his apartment, laying in bed all day long. Well, I thought, this is not how he is going to get better (he really has some health issues). So I was planning to suggest him a light walk just to grab some fresh air... .
Today, however, to my surprise (or not), HE's texting ME if I could buy him something he needed (and he couldn't ask it his health care providers neither). Let me say just that money is not an issue, cause he's always giving it back.
Well, I thought, that's the occasion ! I texted him, like, sure I'll be glad to help you out, I'll take you to this shop, just tell me when. He responded me that he's not going anywhere. Oh... .I texted: ok, let me know if you change your mind. He texted back: so you're buying me this or not? Wow.I texted: I offer you what I can do. I can help you to buy this yourself. I know it would be difficult for you to go there by yourself, that's why I'm offering you to take you there. He texted in awhile: whatever, I'm not in a condition of going out anywhere. I texted:first time's always difficult, but I'm here to help you. He texted:you are making an error, blackmailing me. I texted:relax, it's simply an exchange and you'll even get some benefit of my interests, because I love you.

Ok, so, of course, he hasn't responded to me since. I got curious, I looked up at the dictionary to see exactly, what BLACKMAIL means.  Taking advantage of the situation? Maybe. Threats? None. Emotional blackmail? Nope, I love him either way he decides and I'm not even threatening to be disappointing by his choices. Wait a minute... .I thought... it's more likely that it was an emotional blackmail from his part as I'm struggling two hours to convince myself that I did the right thing by not giving in his demands one more time... .

I would appreciate it if you had any comments, as this type of dialog is brand new to me, I'm learning, but I'm afraid to make mistakes... and to be... .cruel... .Could this dialog could have been better ? Maybe I'm giving in to the explanations too much ? Those of you who have been through this, please, advise me   

[Catlady3.14]

I think,you did a fantastic job! You seemed to keep,your cool and didn't allow him to boss you around.
He sounds snappy in the messages to you. Maybe that's how I read tthem?
And I just got a flash back to projection. From my friend Harri.
I am not sure how to link it to your post though. I'm sorry.
But basically you are being accused of what pwBPD feels and go at they act.
Have you read about this on here?
Did he decide to go with you ? How 're things now?