Learning how to set a boundary

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

On the narrow issue of your daughter's sport, I think it may be a sport I'm familiar with.  By "manage her career," do you just need to make sure she is paired with the coach, pay the money, encourage her, and make sure that she has access to physical therapy and any medical care necessary?  Doesn't the coach pick the competitions and manage her progress?  If that is true, then all of that is normal parenting activity.  I know at the very upper levels, beyond my experience, things may be different, though.

This isn't the main issue on this thread, I was just sensitive because of my sport parenting experience.

WW

[Radcliff]

On the narrow issue of your daughter's sport, I think it may be a sport I'm familiar with.  By "manage her career," do you just need to make sure she is paired with the coach, pay the money, encourage her, and make sure that she has access to physical therapy and any medical care necessary?  Doesn't the coach pick the competitions and manage her progress?  If that is true, then all of that is normal parenting activity.  I know at the very upper levels, beyond my experience, things may be different, though.

This isn't the main issue on this thread, I was just sensitive because of my sport parenting experience.

WW

[snowglobe]

On the narrow issue of your daughter's sport, I think it may be a sport I'm familiar with.  By "manage her career," do you just need to make sure she is paired with the coach, pay the money, encourage her, and make sure that she has access to physical therapy and any medical care necessary?  Doesn't the coach pick the competitions and manage her progress?  If that is true, then all of that is normal parenting activity.  I know at the very upper levels, beyond my experience, things may be different, though.

This isn't the main issue on this thread, I was just sensitive because of my sport parenting experience.

WW

Thank @Wentworth for acknowledging this aspect of my parenting. It has a lot of nuances, first, it’s a partnership, between her and her male partner. There is a lot of negotiation between myself, another set of parents and the coaches. A lot of planning and budgeting, we make an estimate a month ahead, with her home coaches and guest coaches. She is 15 and competing in adult category, her partner is 2 years older, so that is already a difficult fight. We go by what is required, plus what we can afford in addition to that. Think of the range of a mortgage,monthly. She is a champion in 2 separate categories under 18 in our country. Which means a lot of physical traumas, physio, sport rehabs, specialists, bickering with her partner (any partnership involves conflicts, who does more/ less/commitment level/ homework, etc). Reminding her to keep her eye on the prize, which could mean full scholarships to prestigious universities around the world, priorities (why do I have to train 3 hrs after school, when my friends are at the mall?.) weight management (in a healthy way, nor starving, keeping her on high fat and protein diet with less carbs) we were asked to sit out a few completions because she was “too slow because of the weight gain”, and the list goes on and on. I manage to work cooperatively with my parents, partnwr’s parents, coaches and physio therapists even when I’m not there physically. Everyone including me is exceptionally proud of her achievements, it is a great way of giving her discipline, structure and general understanding of how life works. It’s a long term plan, there aren’t any immediate gratifications, she needs to put in the work to be there best, or instead of disappointment that stems from loosing, to think of what she could have done better. It is also an excellent way of earning a dollar from teaching other people, once she turns 16 years old. Everyone raises their kids according to their belief system and values. In my opinion, buying her nice things will not benefit her in any way. Spending my resources on giving her skills and tools will provide beneficial regardless what path she will choose in life.
So, to you @WW, it takes a lot of dedication and self discipline to see children through. I applaud you for doing that.
P.s. if only I had a courage To do same things for myself, sigh

[formflier]

Perhaps another place to reflect on... .

I bring this up because as a military guy with combat background... .it's easy to "frame" the world as "a fight".

I try to be vigilant to "assume the best" and "be empathetic" with others as one way to move away from the "fight mentality".  It takes a lot of effort... but I believe it is worth it for me.

so that is already a difficult fight.  

Remember... I'm on your side.

The curious thing that I'm hoping you can look at is the "inconsistency" in your use of "fight mentality".  

Perhaps in the quoted context it was just an unfortunate choice of words... .or perhaps not.

Think back a bit to where Notwendy did a solid job of pointing out where you derailed a phone call with your hubby over a potential deal he obviously wanted to discuss.

Seeming of nowhere it seemed like you were "fighting" or using "fighting words".  

What has me scratching my head is that when situations come up where it seems obvious to me to be appropriate (and thoughtful vice reactive choice) to "fight" (such as not getting paid for 5 months)... .it appears you have little interest in fighting for what you state is the purpose of you being there in the first place (to manage money).

So... .hubby wants to talk... .fight.  :)aughter excels at sport... .fight.  

No or little pay for 5 months... .boy I wouldn't want to bring that up because? (I'm kinda interpreting what I see... .I know you didn't exactly say that)

Do you see this pattern?  Is there something there?

FF

[snowglobe]

Perhaps another place to reflect on... .

I bring this up because as a military guy with combat background... .it's easy to "frame" the world as "a fight".

I try to be vigilant to "assume the best" and "be empathetic" with others as one way to move away from the "fight mentality".  It takes a lot of effort... but I believe it is worth it for me.


Remember... I'm on your side.

The curious thing that I'm hoping you can look at is the "inconsistency" in your use of "fight mentality".  

Perhaps in the quoted context it was just an unfortunate choice of words... .or perhaps not.

Think back a bit to where Notwendy did a solid job of pointing out where you derailed a phone call with your hubby over a potential deal he obviously wanted to discuss.

Seeming of nowhere it seemed like you were "fighting" or using "fighting words".  

What has me scratching my head is that when situations come up where it seems obvious to me to be appropriate (and thoughtful vice reactive choice) to "fight" (such as not getting paid for 5 months)... .it appears you have little interest in fighting for what you state is the purpose of you being there in the first place (to manage money).

So... .hubby wants to talk... .fight.  :)aughter excels at sport... .fight.  

No or little pay for 5 months... .boy I wouldn't want to bring that up because? (I'm kinda interpreting what I see... .I know you didn't exactly say that)

Do you see this pattern?  Is there something there?

FF

When I wrote “fight” it was the exact word that poped into my head. Fight, as for the first place, at the age of 15 with people who are mostly adults for both partners, or at least one. It isn’t a fair fight, in my eyes, due to the fact that the same competitors have at least 3+ years of training under their belts. Avail, fairness is highly subjective, especially in sports.
I applaud you for seeing this pattern in my thought process, it’s something I’m not attuned or aware of. I fight for my marriage, I fight to keep my daughter’s title, I fight Autism so my son can have a good chance at productive life. @Ff, fighting became symbiotic with living, because I fought, I survived. I’m so tired, I just want to take a moment and rest my head. The more I look around, the more my wise mind is telling me that I’m fighting someone else’s battles. I don’t fight for my health, numerous issues that need to be addressed, “no time”, “not right now” are my excuses. School and career needs to be adressed, again, same excuse.
When my uBPDh came home from work, and started saying that he isn’t sure we are going home, and that everything will stay the same, meaning living arrangements shared with partner, no predicability when and how long we go to work for, I had mixture of disappointment, sadness and rage that took over. The entire exchange was doomed from the start, yet I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.
Me: weren’t we supposed to go home this weekend, since we are coming back around 25th?
Him: not sure (doesn’t look up from computer)
Me: we have been here for two weeks already, this month alone, when is it enough? Your partner is here, why can’t we leave?
Him: profanities
Me: (still going at it) do I need to start recording you to show you promised schedule, so you don’t play amnesiac?
Him: you lying b... .you stupid... .I hate... .bring me the belt so I can smack you (he’s been punished with a belt as a child, likely flashback)
Me: when are you going to start discussing things with me? (Referring to living arrangements and issues related to how and when we see the kids)
Him: you made plans with my partner, you agreed (what? I only discussed options and possibilities)
Me: I thought the contract is a year long, and that we move to a separate place so we can reunite as a family
Him: keep your nasty hole shut, be quiet, (more raging and eyes popping)
I went outside to take a drag of sigarette, I don’t usually smoke, it made me sick, physically. I got a head rush and could barely function to make dinner for uBPDh and his partner

Few observations of mine, on me, if I was an observer.
I self distruct, examples, picking up sigarrete, not working out
I fight a lost cause- I can’t bring him back to kids, I can’t make him choose to compensate his time away when all he wantes to is fishing, shooting guns and watching sports, doing drugs and watching porn
I’m stalling my personal growth, by focusing all of my energy on keeping my husband faithful, financials straight, so it goes towards the family, and not towards his new toy
I isolate myself from people, no one can listen to this “reality tv” for long
I don’t meet new people or make connections
I don’t foster my relation ships with my children, too busy chasing after their dad
I’m lost my confidence and self esteem from hearing about other women, or that my ass isn’t a perfect peach
I don’t know for certain if I will get another pay check, take my kids on vacation or sign them up for camp, because “master” can change his mind, if I don’t comply


Based on all of the above I would recommend myself
1. Get into in person therapy ASAP, DBT is the best choice, best on reactive decisions, hightened emotional state, I need support in person and via phone calls
2 find consistent AA and CA team to attend
3 dust off resume, go the recruit company, so they will do professional linked in profile, coach me for interview, take good head shot, explain me the rules of the industry, ultimately help me find a job with good medical benefits so I can use them for psychologist
4 sign up to gym classes, kill your self there, if your muscles hurt, you are alive
5 start keeping a journal, write down ever day, how much time he spends with kids, what he says or does, when the time comes for him trying to hurt you through taking them away, you will have the leverage
6 force yourself to make new friendships and revive the old ones, the more you socialize with normal people, the more you will see the contrast
7 STOP FOLLOWING HIM, stop being the doormat, stop providing extras to the person who isn’t capable of valuing it
8 make that appointment to do the elective surgery and physical appointment
8 it can’t get worse, if he divorces you, you already lived through not seeing your children half of the time, yet you are breathing and your heart is beating
9 believe in yourself! You were able to get loans, connect with people, get invited by very high and prominent figures in the community, because of who you are. You have helped him build it from the ground up, you can help yourself
10 practice DBT skills of not making it worse, don’t take a drag of sigarette or distract yourself with social media, you can’t run away from pain. Sit with it, accept it, it’s another side of healing
11 let go, let go of expectations, let go of fears, do your best, every day, trust that the problems will resolve them selves out
12 be kind to yourself, nourish your body, read beautiful books, listen to music and go to art galleries, you love it, go to theatre, seek like minded people
13 learn how to ride a bike, learn how to skate, you weren’t allowed those things as a child, you never had those skills. Learn them so you can be a good company to your daughter and teach your son
14 you are a good person, you tried, you did all you could to make it work, I’ve never seen you fight for anything as hard as you fought for this marriage, you need to let go
15 don’t bring bitterness into your heart, forgive him, he also did his best, he can’t change the disorder or himself to make you happy, kids, playing home, family travels, celebrations, non judgemental friends don’t make him happy, this isn’t who he is, accept it
16 don’t try to cover all the basis, you will gain peace of mind, but loose financial security, you will have to learn how to earn more money or how to be happy on a smaller budget, start practicing
17 accept every day as a gift, it’s not guaranteed, your body does extraordinary job, despite the stress and inconsistency that you are putting it through
18 not being with him 24/7 means you don’t get yelled At daily, insulted or belittled, made feel unworthy, you will choose when and how you communicate
19 seek options
20 thank each and one of the people on this forum who gave you a time of their day, they have lives and their own issues, yet they take thier time to focus their attention on yours

[snowglobe]

Another big one:
Drop if I do, be, make... .them he will love me mentality. He won’t!
You support him, you cook for him, you stand in for him, you clean his and his partners condo, do laundry, cook dinners and iron their clothes, wash the toilet, create a well balanced menu, try to look good for him by maintaining your weight, make up and dress in appealing clothes, you massage his feet and wash his body with love, his clip his nails and tuck him in every night, you did cosmetic surgery upon his instistance so you look better for him, does he love you now? Your body will become older, if you are lucky and privileged to grow old, if you continue serving him as your master, you will loose connection to your children who matter the most, you will forever damage their self esteem by making them believe that they were not worthy of your time. You will become an old lonely ailing woman, empty and miserable because you didn’t love you enough to take care of yourself.

[babyducks]

Snowglobe,
Wow, that’s quite a post.   And I want to answer it with the energy and effort you put into writing it but first I want to pause and say.   Nice job.    You are putting in a lot of hard work and effort to identify and work with the issues that are causing difficulties.   I can see a big a shift in your approach and I think that’s very good.

The more I look around, the more my wise mind is telling me that I’m fighting someone else’s battles. I don’t fight for my health, numerous issues that need to be addressed, “no time”, “not right now” are my excuses.

When our needs don’t get met, resentment builds.  It’s natural, almost unavoidable.    When we are busy fighting some one else’s battles at our own expense frustrations grow and resentment festers.

I had mixture of disappointment, sadness and rage that took over. The entire exchange was doomed from the start, yet I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.

And just like you observed, resentment and frustration do not stay buried forever.   They will pop out sometimes.   Usually in not productive ways.

Me: (still going at it) do I need to start recording you to show you promised schedule, so you don’t play amnesiac?
Him: you lying b... .you stupid... .I hate... .bring me the belt so I can smack you (he’s been punished with a belt as a child, likely flashback)

No Snowglobe, not likely a flashback.   Let’s not sugar coat this.   It’s a threat.    He is responding to your threat but threatening physical abuse.    Do not normalize this type of verbal abuse please.

[need to split this into two posts because of length]

[babyducks]

part two

1. Get into in person therapy ASAP, DBT is the best choice,
2 find consistent AA and CA team to attend

This is a great list.   It’s a good working model, a great place to start.    I would suggest that you be careful to not let “the best” be the enemy of the good.   What do I mean?    If DBT is the best choice and it’s not available right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t find benefits in what is available.   It might not be the ‘perfect solution’ but it may be a stepping stone to a single solution.

3 dust off resume, go the recruit company, so they will do professional linked in profile, coach me for interview, take good head shot, explain me the rules of the industry, ultimately help me find a job with good medical benefits so I can use them for psychologist
4 sign up to gym classes, kill your self there, if your muscles hurt, you are alive

I am going to suggest you Not Kill Yourself there.   I am going to suggest a reasonable amount of moderate exercise.    Don’t set up expectations that are impossible to fufill.

5 start keeping a journal, write down ever day,
6 force yourself to make new friendships and revive the old ones, the more you socialize with normal people, the more you will see the contrast

I like the idea of a journal.    And not just about him.  But as a place to write down your totally unfiltered thoughts and emotions.   Getting them out on paper will be a stress/tension release.

7 STOP FOLLOWING HIM, stop being the doormat, stop providing extras to the person who isn’t capable of valuing it
8 make that appointment to do the elective surgery and physical appointment

I do like the idea of your list because I am a list writer myself.   It helps to hold me accountable.   I understand you might have written these in no particular order but I wonder.   Which three, and only three do you see as the most important?

[babyducks]

part three

8 it can’t get worse,
9 believe in yourself!
10 practice DBT skills of not making it worse,  you can’t run away from pain. Sit with it, accept it, it’s another side of healing
11 let go, let go of expectations, let go of fears, do your best, every day, trust that the problems will resolve them selves out
12 be kind to yourself,
13 learn how to ride a bike, learn how to skate,
14 you are a good person, you tried, you did all you could to make it work,
15 don’t bring bitterness into your heart, forgive him
16 don’t try to cover all the basis,
17 accept every day as a gift,
19 seek options
 

I really like this part because it turns the attention and focus on you.   Not on fixing him or dealing with him, or improving him but on you.   Where it belongs.   This is, what I believe they call, a break through moment.    Way to go Snowglobe.   
One last question?   Where can you borrow a bike?   It’s not hard to learn.   Pedal like mad and find your personal balance.
 
'ducks

[formflier]

   I can see a big a shift in your approach and I think that’s very good.

I see this too and haven't been as clear about it as BabyDucks has.

It's a bit hard to describe but there is less "xyz because my hubby is abc" and there is more "xyz and I need to deal with it better"

That is a fundamental shift to get away from blame.  Continue that journey.

FF

[snowglobe]

@babyducks and @formflier,
Thank you for replying to my long post, essentially to myself. It was cathartic experience, connecting with my own personal issues and looking at my life through my own lense. My emotional navigator was telling me, and has been for a while now, that this isn’t right, it’s not a life worthy or living, the cost of continuing is too high and the benefits are too low. My rational mind was telling me steps I need to take to help myself mature and transition. Who am I kidding, when you live your whole life doing what you are told, you don’t develop a sense of autonomy. Being away from my children really put a perspective of things, as a short term measure, if he was making a lot of money, I could sacrifice to ensure kids future. Eg. putting the money into their education fund, buying them a property, sending them to good camps and making their life better in some way, that can be done. I can justify that for the “greater good”. That would be tolerable if my uBPDh wasn’t using me as a toilet for flushing his emotional negativity and respected me enough to also give me what I want (e.g we work for two weeks, then we can do xyz with the children).

[snowglobe]

UBPDh is testing the new lows.
It began yesterday when he called me around 3 pm while I was grocery shopping to prepare for dinner. He said: “I will be home in 20 min and leave immediately”, and hung up. I decided “he was on the way home, and he is preparing to leave to our home where the children are”. Just to make sure that I got it correctly I called back, and asked him if we were going home. What about the dinner, I asked?
No dinner he replied, so I dropped everything and ran home (I don’t have an access to the vehicle while we are at work). I barely made it home and immediately started packing and simultaneously fixing him a snack, as he doesn’t eat breakfast. My uBPDh started doing it especially frequently, such as telling me about leaving at the minute notice. While he sees new frantically packing and trying to increase the pressure by saying “I’m leaving in 5 min if you aren’t done, I’m out” and he goes out of the door.
This is problematic for many reasons, one, it’s disrespectful, I deserve to know at least as soon as he decides, it takes him an hour to get home, I could have gotten an ample notice to reduce my pressure and prepare fully.
Once he came, he didn’t look me in the face to greet me, bad sign. It’s a beginning of him “dehumanizing” me, it’s easy to torture and abuse someone emotionally when you don’t look them in the eye to see the pain you are inflicting. Always the case, when he beggins splitting.
While I packed he was brooding and taking to his partner, irritated and annoyed he sat into the car with me. I delayed any serious conversations, as I know that he isn’t able to make any decisions while so emotionally distressed. We listened to audiobook, I tried to speak to him, he was defiant and appeared cold.
When we got home the behaviour continued, his interaction with children was limited, hi, bye, give me a kiss. Our little guy, s11 climbed into our bed, as he missed us, I let him stay. In the morning when we woke up, I already knew that he was painting me black, just like an addict that I am, i reached for the tool that I know doesn’t work, and makes it worse, most of the time. I took the cream, sat beside Kim and tried to massage his feet. He told me to stop and not touch him, so I left him alone. I sat in the bathroom and tried to do my make up. Then I heard him moan, (he moans from pain in his joints, when I hear that, I almost always jump to massage him to decrease the pain and give him the attention he is seeking). So I went again, sat beside him and tried to massage his feet (he does a lot of standing and walking at his job), he told me to stop touching him or he goes away. I backed off of him again, by then I knew I activated the “punishment mode in him”. The morning proceeded grimly, me interacting with the children, while feeling this constricted feeling in my chest, as I’m about to start weeping from emotional pain, and him avoiding me all together. I then walked into the bedroom while he was watching the tv alone, and tried to interacting in a nonchalant way. D15 wanted to catch I movie, I said, do you want to come?
His reply stung me: “either I can go with them, or you go” (money is not an issue in this case, he is rejecting the possibility of us being together as a whole family). So I didn’t reply anything, what could I say? Ok, you go? I want to spend time with my children.
So I bought us all the tickets and plan on attending with my children. I’m so close to starting crying, as I’m so fed up with uBPDh behaviour. All I ever wanted was to be a family, keep him close to his kids, I wanted a family, I did not want his money, I loved him when he was broke and didn’t have two cents to run between his fingers. How could someone that I loved so much become this ugly person?. This person who is constantly punishing and detaching, selfish and wicked who sees only his needs and wants?
I know I went wrong on trying to console him, I need to detach and try and be present and mindful for my children.
I’ve been reinforcing and enabling all the wrong behaviours and as a result he is blind, deaf and frankly uncaring to mine/ my kids needs. It’s him, future fame and his money that is the only focus of his life.
I’m sorry for the rant, how do I recalibrate this?

[formflier]

So... .why rush home? 

If he leaves you there and goes home alone, there are other ways for you to get home.  (I really don't think he would do that... but just saying)

You are right... what he did was disrespectful... .so... why did you respect it with your actions?

FF

[snowglobe]

So... .why rush home? 

If he leaves you there and goes home alone, there are other ways for you to get home.  (I really don't think he would do that... but just saying)

You are right... what he did was disrespectful... .so... why did you respect it with your actions?

FF

   @ff,
My desperate attempts to keep him “in” while all his behaviour says is “out”, I can’t answer to that. I try not to make any waves to keep this delicate peace, and then I get fed up and I attack, with all of my core values being compromised.
D15 wanted him to go to the movies with us, so she went and asked him to come. Surprisingly, he agreed. All throughout the movie night he appeared tense and angry. The kids seemed to enjoy the movie, while I tried to focus my attention on them. There has been a glimpse of what normal could look like, for about two years prior to me finding this board. There wasn’t any indication of domestic violence, less threats and more functional and engaging relationships. Times when he actually cared about making the me and children happy. When I had my school, my friends and he had his. I’m not sure how all of that slowly slipped away. It wasn’t by any means the golden age, as he still raged and split, I was happier and healthier then.
Back at you, if I don’t respect myself, my body, my time and my abilities, how can he respect it? From reading all of you, I beggin to see that the key to a change lies within non partner, rather then change in pwBPD.
@ff, how could have  this situation been dealt with differently?

[Notwendy]

From reading all of you, I begin to see that the key to a change lies within non partner, rather then change in pwBPD.

Exactly.

This is the key, and it takes effort, but for me, the effort was and continues to be worth it.

There are no guarantees- your H can choose to accept the changes , or not, and leave the relationship. You can keep doing what you are doing- and likely get the same results- or do something different- and get different results. That's the risk, but if you hold on to your values, you are likely to have a better sense of self regardless of that your H does.

You need to consider safety first. If you are in danger of physical harm, then seek professional advice before doing anything. Have a safety plan.

This board is a good support, but the process is going to be faster and you will have more support if you have counseling, 12 step groups, a sponsor to guide you through making changes in you.

If I don’t respect myself, my body, my time and my abilities, how can he respect it?



He won't. One of the slogans I learned in 12 step groups is " we teach others how to treat us". I can identify with being a doormat. When I was a doormat, people treated me like one. Not everyone is disrespectful, but acting like a doormat can result in people responding to you as one and it sounds like your H is.

then I get fed up and I attack, with all of my core values being compromised.


This starts with you. Our core values are a part of us, and if we feel they are compromised it is most likely that we have compromised them ourselves- given them up in hopes of keeping the peace, love, approval, fear of abandonment. What core values have you given up to try to appease your H? You can learn to take them back.

When you get to the point of attack, you are in victim mode- lashing out. This is how you feel but it isn't effective- it is classic drama triangle. Your H, feeling attacked, will then go into victim mode and lash out back, in an abusive manner. Then you both are hurt. It  doesn't lead to  resolution. He may act contrite later, you may be acting in caregiving ways ( rubbing feet) and then reset, until the next conflict. If you can calmly but firmly uphold your own values, you may not get to this point.

Times when he actually cared about making the me and children happy. When I had my school, my friends and he had his. I’m not sure how all of that slowly slipped away.



It slipped away when you started focusing on making him happy instead of doing what made you happy. Believe it or not, we don't make someone happy. We actually can not make someone feel a certain feeling. Our feelings are a part of ourselves and we can't control someone else's feelings. This is a hard concept to grasp- we can give someone a gift and imagine they will feel happy or we can do something mean and imagine they feel hurt. But our own core feelings- if we are content with ourselves, if we don't let every mean comment bother us- is under our own control. We really can't make someone else happy with themselves. This is up to us and it is our responsibility to be content with ourselves. Maybe your H isn't able to consider making you happy but you can do the things that make you happy.


Consider that all you think you are doing to bolster your H is actually diminishing him and his self esteem?

This is a tough concept to grasp. I also was doing some of these things with my H, to try to keep the peace in the family and the MC pointed out that I was catering to him at his lowest, not his best self. I was reinforcing the behaviors I didn't respect. I also observed this in my parents. My father wanted to keep my mother as comfortable as possible. She learned that she could get what she wanted by raging. It gave her power and control. But by him doing so much for her, it also took away any learning to do these things herself and eroded her self esteem. She can't cook because she didn't have to. She can't drive because he drove her. Now she is elderly and this has normalized because it is normal for the elderly to have assistance with self care tasks, but every adult person is responsible for their own self care tasks. Certainly a couple can trade off these tasks, one may cook, one may work more than the other, but each is ultimately responsible for their own self care.

You may think you are helping your H by making sure he has a snack, or clean socks, but these are basic self care tasks that even children need to be taught to do. If your H is hungry- that is his hunger. He can get his own snack.  If he takes drugs and then looks like a mess, he is responsible for cleaning himself up. If he is drugged, and misses work - then he faces the consequences of his own messing up. Sometimes when people are learning we have to step back and let them make mistakes. It is how they learn. We can step in if the situation is life threatening, but it may be that your H would have to lose a deal, or face an angry coworker himself to see the consequences of his behavior. Same with a victory. If you do things for him, could he own his accomplishments?

These situations are complicated. Like peeling an onion. You might get the first layer peeled, then be working on the next. Lots of layers in these situations. They are hard to do all at once. But acting from your own core values can be a start. Stop doing the things that diminish you.

[formflier]

  
@ff, how could have  this situation been dealt with differently?

Come home at normal time... .at normal pace.  If he calls you again to hurry... gently say that you will consider a request when disrespect is not between you.

Notice that... .you haven't accused him of anything.  You have stated what is "in between" your relationship.  He can own it... or not.

Let him connect the dots... .(you will hear that a lot)

Because here is the thing... you "trained" him further in how to get you to hurry... .with disrespect.

FF

[formflier]

Howgozit?

FF

[formflier]

Snowglobe,

Are you around?  I'm concerned that we haven't heard from you in a bit.  Can you give us an update on things?

FF

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe,

Are you around?  I'm concerned that we haven't heard from you in a bit.  Can you give us an update on things?

FF
Dear Formflier,
Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m currently “at work” setuation with eldest d15, her friends from sport and uBPDh.
Many things happened, for instance, he self medicated, again, three weeks ago. I ceased the opportunity to tell him that I’m not doing this back and fourth anymore, clearly stated that I need to be with kids. He on the other hand took it as it’s time to move to work place suggestion. I’m not selling the house “back at home” under any condition for several reasons:
1. His contract is only a year old, once it expires I’m not sure what will happen next
2. Realestate Market dropped significantly, it’s bad timing to sell
3. My parents rented out their home for a year thinking that they are still helping us, I can’t kick them out
4. I’m questing the move for the children; dad is uBPDh, unstable, sexually inappropriate (he has exhibitionist tendencies, for instance to hurl my skirt up around the children, squeeze my  private parts knowing they are in close proximity, or just doesn’t care), he abuses illegal drugs at times, this isn’t the best case scenario, my parents are mahout buffers for fhe children, they shield them

UBPDh wants to take me away on vacation next week. Sounds nice, the only catch is we fly to Amsterdam first, and it’s not to see Anne Frank’s museum. He wants to explore “my” sexuality? It’s a boundary, I stated, restated and explained that
No, I won’t have a three some with another woman, I’m certain in my sexual preferences, and it’s a line I won’t cross with him
No, I won’t have sex in a second club for other people to see me
No, I won’t use drugs and roam the streets, so he can “hopefully convince me to experiment”

Gosh, these uBPD stuff are so exhausting, he thinks I’m some kind of onion that has many layers that require for him to be peeled back. I’m majorly turned off my the lack of emotional connection and intimacy. It’s always animalistic and depersonalized.

We are supposed to fly and meet our friends in Europe after, for another week. I imagine it sounds vain and ungrateful a bit, but I don’t want to go. I don’t want him to try and convince me to do something I don’t want to. The more he talks about it, the less I want to participate in this trip. His mood swings make any travel plans terrifying. I don’t know what will happen one moment to the next.


Back to living arrangements, I agreed to come and try it out, meaning live with him full time “at work” if he keeps the house for a year and if I get to consider the best option for the children.

[formflier]

So... how did the billing go?  Is everything caught up and paid?

It doesn't sound like you want to go on the trip.  I hope you have made that clear to him and that you do not get on the airplane with him, especially with the sex stuff.

FF

[snowglobe]

So... how did the billing go?  Is everything caught up and paid?

It doesn't sound like you want to go on the trip.  I hope you have made that clear to him and that you do not get on the airplane with him, especially with the sex stuff.

FF

Guess what, regarding the billing?. I got paid for 2.5 months, which is a start. Partner’s new love interest is coming to town, which means he wants me to be nice and placid. So he generously authorized for my uBPDh to get paid ahead of him. I also got my uBPDh convinced that we need to get a separate living arrangement from his partner to live in. Among other things, such as smoking in the bathroom at night, dictating when and what time I can take a shower (only one bathroom) I got a wart from cleaning (found an open and used box For watt removal on his bed table). What’s next? Knowing his love for paid services I wouldn’t be surprised if we contracted something far worse.
I read your post regarding your emotional intelligence and not caring so much for what comes next. I find myself in the same predicament. I am too exhausted to care. He is back to buying me lavish gifts, but all I feel is a crippling fear for what he would ask for it in return. Or how bad things might get if I don’t comply with his demands. We are both going on a DBT retreat trip, he paid for tickets and the cost of the retreat. I’m happy to attend. However, I’m afraid of what his reaction to being unable to be/talk to me while we are there.

[Notwendy]

Sometimes it is difficult to work on several boundaries at once. It seems the most immediate issue ( of many) is this trip to Europe. You don't want to go.

Your fear is that your H will sexually experiment there if you don't go, or he will demand you do something you don't want to do if you do go.

Being with him 24/7 and also indulging his desires helps you to calm this fear, but it also means violating your own personal boundaries to try to satisfy him. Your choice seems to be to - hold your ground and deal with your fear, or go with him and do things you don't want to do.

Those are tough choices.

Warts - on the feet or hands-are common and not sexually transmitted. Genital warts are. If you have concerns that your H has had sex outside the marriage, please protect yourself- see a doctor and get tested.

[formflier]

I got paid for 2.5 months, which is a start. 

I also got my uBPDh convinced that we need to get a separate living arrangement from his partner to live in.

 

   

Solid work!  (I'll pester you for details later)

Your world is on track to being "calmer".  You have a lot of flying monkeys throwing things at you right now.  Living with "just" your hubby removes a flying monkey.

FF

[formflier]

Snowglobe,

How are you doing?  Haven't seen any updates from you in a while.  Hoping things are going better.

Please update us when you have some time.

FF

[Woodchuck]

Snowglobe,
I had what I would consider my first boundary setting experience a month or so ago.  I was shocked that it actually worked.  I laid out my plan and allow my uBPDw to make a choice.  She wanted to drop our children (11 and 14) off at the movie theater while she was at work.  I told her that I was not comfortable with that.  I expressed that I felt that they needed to be with an adult when at the theater.  She told me that I was free to feel however I wanted but that she was going to do what she was comfortable with.  I told that I did not feel like she was being very respectful of how I felt and that she was obviously free to do as she pleased.  I went on to tell her that if she did drop them off at the theater and I found out about it, I would get the authorities involved.  To my knowledge, she has not dropped them off at the theater.  I did not like setting that boundary and did not set it to control her but set it as a measure of safety for the children.  Fortunately I did not have to follow through with the consequences that I outlined.  I have attempted to set other boundaries in the past but have had a very difficult time with keeping them up.  It definitely takes practice to set and enforce boundaries but the benefits seem to be worth the work.  Hopefully you will be able to establish and enforce some boundaries for yourself to help your situation. 

Woodchuck