I feel so stupid falling for it again

[Skyglass]

Hello all- I really need to talk about what just happened to me. It’s raw and fresh and I am dealing with the fallout emotions and feel like it has triggered my C-PTSD.
I just had a very intense romantic relationship with someone I know was a psychopath. Last time I posted here I had gotten out of a 3 year r/s with a bf w/BPD. I went to counseling and got myself together. Started a business, got involved in sports activities, kept myself out of any dating or relationships and only worked on myself. But after all that work, I feel hook line and sinker for someone. Just 2 weeks ago I had a BF from 17 years ago message me and ask to talk. He said he had never forgotten me and always  wondered if I was the one he should have married. He said he wants to know why he never forgot me. He said his divorce was final next month. He drove 2 hours to see me. He was handsome, romantic, charming, and started to immediately talk about how he wants something serious eventually and was not into games and wasting his time. The physical connection was intense as he was very romantic and knew exactly how to touch. Thank god I did not have sex with him though. I made sure to not break that boundary yet. He had sent a lot of pics of himself when we were not together and wanted me to send a lot of me. I only sent funny or happy pics and did not send anything romantic/intimate in nature. Thank god I held that boundary too.
Well, just yesterday he sends me a message, after I had just talked on the phone a few hours prior and we had set up our next date, and says he can’t see me anymore and “I’m so sorry, We will never know what we could have been, this must be goodbye.” Blamed it on something happening bad with his divorce that day and military travels. Total BS.
I got discarded and it hurts really really bad. It brought up all the pain from the past. I feel so stupid for letting my guard down and he reached right in and pulled out my heart. I realized immediately I was a high for him, he had targeted me and got his fix. I replied to his message stating “you seriously need mental health help. If you continue to do this to other people like you just did me, you will never find happiness, remain dead inside and insecure. Please seek help.” I have absolutely no plans of messaging or anything ever again. I did not say take care and left it on him with his problem. He probably wanted me to curse him out, and get negative attention. Instead I did not give him that. Only that he is a sick sick person.
Im right back to feeling like I have no appetite, my stomach in knots, spiraling deep thoughts on repeat, and images of his deep kisses and romantic innuendos. It’s impacted my work today and how I’m functioning. So stupid I fell for it... and now I have to go through this pain all over again. Also EVERYTHING feels so dull now- like I was dropped from the clouds and things seem so boring. I know I should be happy that I was pushed out of this within 2 weeks and not in it for months. But I feel so stupid that I even let this happen again.
Any thoughts are appreciated. Thank you for listening.

[Insom]

Hi, Skyglass.

Hugs!    I hear how much this hurts!

Thank god I did not have sex with him though. I made sure to not break that boundary yet. He had sent a lot of pics of himself when we were not together and wanted me to send a lot of me. I only sent funny or happy pics and did not send anything romantic/intimate in nature. Thank god I held that boundary too.

Kudos to you for maintaining strong boundaries!     It sounds like you made some great choices here.

we had set up our next date, and says he can’t see me anymore and “I’m so sorry, We will never know what we could have been, this must be goodbye.” Blamed it on something happening bad with his divorce that day and military travels. Total BS.

Divorce can feel very hard, like a roller coaster,  for everyone involved.  Could he have been telling the truth?  What about this let-down experience made it feel so raw?

I replied to his message stating “you seriously need mental health help. If you continue to do this to other people like you just did me, you will never find happiness, remain dead inside and insecure. Please seek help.” I have absolutely no plans of messaging or anything ever again. I did not say take care and left it on him with his problem. He probably wanted me to curse him out, and get negative attention. Instead I did not give him that. Only that he is a sick sick person.

Hmm . . . Who are you talking to here? 

[Zen606]

Hi Skyglass-
Please don't feel stupid, because you are not that! You had a relapse, we all do at one time or another, and you saw the red flags. This is all part of recovery.  

This is a good time to seek therapy to dig deeper, find out what has not been processed that you need to look at that is linked to the situation you just described. You seem a strong person that worked hard to get your self together and be your own person. Do you still have access to your past therapist? If you do contact her/him and explore what happened. This person you were recently with sounds manipulative and very uncaring. Don't message him, stay away from him and if he should contact you again, don't respond.

Stay posting here, you will get much support.
Zen606

[Skyglass]

Hi Zen606, THANK YOU for your message. I needed to hear that. I never even thought of it as a “relapse” and being in “recovery.” But those words helped me to put this into better perspective of myself. I also needed to hear that someone else thought this person did sound manipulative and uncaring. I feel like I’m not so alone in my thoughts and second guessing myself.

[Skyglass]

Hi Insom, THANK YOU for your kind words.
Yes, the experience is so raw. He was so cold and callous with his words, like a switch turned on, and he discarded me so fast. It’s true that maybe what he said about his divorce was true (if it was true he was even going through a divorce), but not giving me details as to what so “bad” happened that he couldn’t talk about it and immediately finalizing we would never speak again. All I was left with were questions and plans deleted. It all sounds very fishy and emotionally unstable.

[Fie]

Hello Skyglass 


The others are right, you are not stupid at all.

I have had a few very bad relationships as well, the last one with NPD, some years ago. I have grown a lot stronger since than, and I got myself and my life together.

Recently I have met someone that I like. It's giving me quite some fear that bad things will happen again, that he might be BPD / NPD, ... .I have the feeling that I will feel so stupid if things go wrong again.

Someone told me though that you can only know if someone's disordered, if you try dating them. You only know after a while, and if it goes wrong, that doesn't mean that you are stupid.
The only alternative is staying alone for the rest of my live. That's also an option, but not one I want anymore.

You tried dating that guy, it didn't work. Your reaction to him backing off was good. In the old unhealthy version of myself I might have pursued him more, asking him to reconsider, ask for more explanation, ... You didn't.

I think you handled this well.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Spyglass, I think that you had boundaries in place and held those boundaries was smart and shows that you were acting in your own best interest.  Bravo!

Fie makes a great point that you are not pursuing him and trying to get his attention after he broke it off. Congratulations!

I think while you are reeling a bit now, that soon you will be happy that minimal time was invested.

Hugs, take it easy on yourself and take care,

Mustbeabetterway

[Skyglass]

Mustbeabetterway and Fie - Thank you! I do hope soon that I will begin to stop feeling bad and start feeling how lucky I was to have only invested minimal time. Even though he discarded me the way he did, I want to try and reframe my thoughts into thinking that just maybe he ran and discarded b/c after being with me he realized I was stronger 17 years later, and I would eventually see through his disceit. I wasn’t going to allow him to get his “fix” and fill the temporary void he wanted inside. This guy was on me like Flypaper and chased me from the get go. It was the day that I finally saw him after 17 years that the emotions came flooding back in and I let my guard down somewhat. He gave me the biggest and deepest hug and kiss I’ve ever experienced. The energy was mind blowing between us. All he could do the whole day he spent with me was talk about a future with me. And was eager to set the next date on the calendar. 24 hours later, it was if he died.

[Zen606]

Hi Skyglass,
You are welcome. And you are not alone, we have all experienced what you describe. One thing, trust your gut feeling. I learned this the hard way. Now if I feel it inside, I pay close attention. Second guessing is the antithesis of the gut feeling.
Zen606

[once removed]

Blamed it on something happening bad with his divorce that day and military travels.

divorce is deeply painful. it can shake your entire identity. sometimes someone going through it looks to soothe the pain, and sometimes through a new relationship. its not fair. it really hurts the person on the receiving end.

how much of a role do you think it might have played in his reaching out and cutting off?

[Fie]

I know that you are going through a rough patch now. I know how it feels and it's horrible. 

I don't think you are helped by us saying 'It will pass', therefor, do you know the book 'The journey from abandonment to healing' ? It has some pretty good explanations on why breaking up (or any kind of abandonment) hurts so much. Maybe it might help you.

It has helped me to see that my feelings were normal, and others had them too. That I was not alone with them.

[Zen606]

Hi Onceremoved and Skyglass,
I agree divorce is a very painful experience, the emotions are overwhelming and one can, in the midst of this, reach out for comfort. The man in question may have realized what he was doing and changed his mind. He sounds like he was in turmoil himself from what I have read. And his hurrying her to engage is very telling. However that is no excuse for putting Skyglass in a situation that would hurt her.

When I left my late husband -- non BPD -- I was devastated, felt like I had been cut in two, but it was a decision I had to make. I sought comfort in the arms of someone else. It was a way for me to lessen the pain. The relationship lasted under a year. Being involved with him caused me more turmoil than I had anticipated. I think when we seek these quick solutions we are romanticizing and eventually see that this was not a healthy solution to so much pain.
Zen606

[Skyglass]

Hi Fie,  Yes I am familiar with that book and it’s great. I read it a couple years back but you have reminded me to pick it back up to re-read some of it while I deal with this time in my life. Thank you! :D

[Skyglass]

Hi Zen606,  You’re insights are very interesting. . I appreciate it! :D