You want to message your ex's ex and want to know what we think. First of all, I think you are wondering if your ex's ex had a similar experience to yours, and you are concerned messaging him could cause problems, which is highly likely. What do you know about your ex's ex? Have you ever met him? If you are complete stranger, it is probably not a good idea to contact him. What do you think your ex's ex might say that you need to hear, and would perhaps eliminate your need to contact him?

i think this is not a good reason to reach out.

put yourself in her shoes. how would you feel if she did it?

I’ll start with” what do you have to gain from this”?  Will his sorrow and pain quence or passify your pain? What will happen if she finds out ? Will this bring her to you or drive her away even more? How would you feel if your ex called one of your past gf? Digging for information,would youbtake her back with open arms? If you were with a woman without BPD traits or a diagnosis,would you do the same jester? Sorry for being blunt Crywolf I’m just looking out for your best interests believe it or not. My opinion is whatever issues you are having will multiply substantially by infiltrating her privacy or past life just my two cents.

realistically, he will tell you she was a pill/a nightmare, and that he was a good dude that gave it his all. his is not a perspective you can really count on and take to the bank, and chances are your story, its nuances and details, are very different; dont lose sight of them.


there are a variety of ways some go about trying to process this pain.

1. continuing to fight with the ex, wanting the ex to tell us they messed up, and we were the good one
2. through dating, looking for validation from new people. this is why some of us spill our guts out about our ex to the next person
3. contacting our old exes to tell us we were great
4. contacting our exs ex, hearing that things werent so great there either
5. leaning entirely on BPD and determining BPD was the sole cause of the problems in the relationship, that our ex was deeply flawed, and it never could have worked out, and we "dodged a bullet"

some of us even get into a new relationship with such high hopes and expectations, and when it crashes and burns, we determine it wasnt us, but that this person is probably disordered too.

whats the underlying factor? validation. in recovering from these relationships, validation is a lot like crutches. useful at first, even necessary. there are emotional wounds. many of us were invalidated repeatedly in our relationships and blamed. it is good to hear that we arent alone in our experiences, and that we werent the sole cause of the relationship problems.

eventually, we need to kick the crutches and learn to walk again on our own, as part of the process of recovery. we need to rebuild the injured "body part", make it stronger than before if we want to go on to healthier relationships. the thing about crutches is that at a certain point, they inhibit us from doing that. we lean on them and dont want to let them go. somehow in all of this, validation is never enough, as if we could pay everyone in the entire world to tell us we werent the problem, and still not have it sink in. thats more than leaning on validation, its denial.

a hallmark of these relationships is emotional immaturity in both parties. a hallmark of recovering is seeing and finding this in ourselves, and rebuilding, stronger than before. our relationships have ended, and things are no longer about our ex.


it does make it harder to understand. theres little to compare it to. the thing is, CryWolf, most first loves end in a lot of heartbreak and can take a long time to understand and recover from. i carried the wounds from my first love into every next relationship myself, never seeing the one constant, the common denominator: me.

emotional maturity can grow. capacity to give and receive love can grow. understanding of relationships and our role in them can grow. invest in those things, and you will improve your experience.

if the problem was your ex, and not you, theres really not much to learn.

Hi Crywolf,
I thought about contacting my ex's wife but did not for 2 reasons, 1- I had seen enough red flags to put 2 and 2 together, and 2- I certainly did not want to be the one to bring up bad memories for the lady. Knowing my ex for under a year and observing the negative behaviors I already knew enough. Trust what you know.
Zen606

So last night, I got invited to this party by a friend I just met. I joined his friends and them and knew some of them off a snapchat group whom I didnt meet physically. and when we went to karaoke a month ago, one of the guys asked if i was my BPDpEX and was also friends with my ex. He was my exes ex bestfriend. That made me awkward.

anyway, we went to a party and one of the guys rode with me in my car. I asked him how that guy and him knew me, and it just made me feel awkward at that moment. And he told me how he was my exes abusive exbf friend and he also worked for him at his family business. He told me about my ex and her ex, and when they dated and how she was "very shy and quite" and "complicated". he went to high school with her and they were friends for a while as well. He told me how he met her ex towards the end of their relationship and how he talked about  her for a long time. and how he mentioned me a couple times. he said it was a long time and no hard feelings, and i totally understood. He told me how most of the guys in the group are friends with her ex. and no one has problems with me.

It was such a shock he was in my car, and telling me this. I only met him once when I met up the other guy who just became my friend. Such a small world...

Later that night, they all saw me and this girl talking and hanging out, couple of them gave me a high five . And the guy that was her ex's best friend also saw me. So im not sure what hes going to tell people, because he seems that type. But im not bothered. Im living life for myself finally.