Just discovered BPD: He became aggressive, threatening, abusive...

[Rindudia]

Hi, I’ve just discovered this site, and only recently learnt of BPD. Feeling confused and isolated. My ex partner of almost 10yrs, and I recently split because I was so over the tantrums and verbal abuse, and living a life of misery and unhappiness. The last straw was when we had a family meeting with my family in order to clear the air and discuss what I thought were minor issues. Initially it was going ok, despite my ex getting a little heated at times, but managed to keep everyone under control. Until the very end, when one of my family mentioned his nana. Well he totally lost it, and became very agressive, abusive and threatening towards my sister. It was a really traumatic time for all. From that point on I could see no way of staying together. So after his many tears and three attempts of threatening suicide, we finally split 5 months after the traumatic family incident. But now I miss him, and feel sorry / pity for him because he is not really coping. He is living on his own, which is not helping his mental state. He has since been diagnosed with BPD, ( which I had never heard of) and is now on a DBT program. It’s early days, but I have seen no real improvement, if anything he’s more depressed and lonely. I visit him for a few hours during the day on a weekend. But I’m confused if that’s good or bad. Yesterday I saw him and he had a total meltdown and became really threatening and abusive towards me for not seeing things his way. Very stressful. Today I’ve been anxious all day. Any suggestions would be very welcome. Thanks.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi and

It's good that you found us.  Ten years is a long time!  How long ago was the breakup and how do you feel about it?  Has the knowledge of his diagnosis altered your view on things at all?

I visit him for a few hours during the day on a weekend. But I’m confused if that’s good or bad.

What is your intention regards the r/s?  Are you wanting to move on or do you see the possibility of reconciliation?  Do you both have a clear understanding of that?

You've come to the right place.  We can help here, whatever direction you choose to take.  I'd encourage you to read all you can as the information on the site is reliable.  You'll find some excellent articles under the Tools and Insights tabs on the main menu bar at the top of the page.  Also each board has it's own Lessons to the right of the screen to help us to make the best of our individual situations.  Finally, I'd advise you to read and post in other threads too, as the wealth of experience and knowledge here is a huge advantage.

I'll look forward to hearing more from you.  Share as much as you feel comfortable.  We are all family here and support one another.

Love and light x 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Rindudia,

How are you doing since you posted?  It's been a while.  What's your situation at the moment?  We're here when you're ready to talk more.  You spoke of feeling isolated and I can certainly relate to that, as will many I'm sure.  It can feel as though we're the only one in the world who could possibly be going through something like this.  At least that's how I felt with my situation.  We know the difference here between a regular r/s and one with a disordered person.  There is no comparison. 

I'd like to hear from you to know you are safe, as you mentioned threatening behaviour in your last post.  Let us know if you're OK. 

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Rindudia,

 

I’d like to echo HarleyQuinn 10 years is a long time and welcome! I wonder if you feel guilt for not knowing that he has BPD?