She wants a Divorce. Again.

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Dear God where do I start after this last disastrous weekend. The last 3-4 weeks had been on and off complete hell, one day I was given an ultimatum out of the blue (she didnt call it such) that I am not emotionally supportive enough and Im too emotionally immature to give her the support she needs. A few days later, with no discussions or arguments the previous night or that morning, I get a long series of texts to quit smoking IMMEDIATELY (she smokes too) and made it clear this WAS an Ultimatum and she will leave me if I dont do that since it is proof of me not being emotionally supportive of her.

Then about a week ago we were hanging out and talking and she made a point to point out how much I have been helping and trying to be there and support and she notices everything I do and appreciates it. About 2 sentences later she tells me she remembered some vague blood test I had 6-7 years ago and questioned my GP on it (she sees the same family GP) he didnt give a yes or no, it was somtthing about whether I had permanent liver damage or not. He gave some kind of non-verbal acknowledgement to her, although it was never said explicitly to me it was permanent, but I stopped drinking and cut way back on medication since then so its been manageable and not even an issue for me I think about any more. So she told me that I am keeping secrets from her and that since she has proof of me keeping secrets with him, apparently its proof that I am keeping more secrets from her and she wanted to find out everything she knew from him. I was appalled, disgusted and horrified at that total betrayal of trust with my GP and I wasnt even keeping secrets, she knew what I knew years ago and I never followed it further as I wasnt having regular problems. I didnt start an argument but pretty much been keeping to myself since then.

Until yesterday when EVERYTHING blew up. She was angry from the moment she woke up I knew it was going to be one of those days. She already had a major argument with family and wasnt talking to them. Got angry at me for every little thing, eventually I told her I would take care of the dogs so she can sleep since she looked like she hadnt slept in days. She did and was grateful for it, until later when I got attacked for not doing enough in the house, I never take the trash out, she is the ONLY one who does it (meaning I do it 3 -4 times a week and she resents any time ever that its not done). Then decided to tell me I am causing arguments with everyone, after that I called her out on the confrontation over my GP, the constant divorce threats over perceived support or not quitting smoking immediately because its my fault she does. The only response she had was she wants a divorce, has always wanted it and that I have to sell the house immediately as is and pay her out otherwise she is going to take me to court. The escalation was unbelievable, I am still reeling from the last 2 ultimatums and the GP situation, I cant deal with this. But I know from past experience, leaving will only make it worse, unless I manage to disappear or go off the grid. I cant because of the responsibilites I have but I am tired of being a constant scapegoat. I am suicidal daily and barely feel human anymore.
I cant find the right therapist or support. There is no real way out or through this situation that I can see anymore. Thank you for reading.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BurntOutFromBPD, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. That is really a marathon of emotional torture. I know about those periods where it just seems to escalate by the day and it feels like you are living on the edge of a sword.

I am suicidal daily and barely feel human anymore. I cant find the right therapist or support. There is no real way out or through this situation that I can see anymore. Thank you for reading.

What do you think is getting in the way of finding the right therapist? If counseling is not a go right now, have you checked if there are any support groups for family of people with mental illness nearby? Is there anyone among your friends and family you would consider opening up about the situation to?

BOFB I have been an am in the same place as you are, feeling hopeless and completely alone in a situation that few people could truly understand. Please don't lose hope. There is a way out of this, even if it is not easy to find.

~ROE

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Hi BurntOutFromBPD, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. That is really a marathon of emotional torture. I know about those periods where it just seems to escalate by the day and it feels like you are living on the edge of a sword.

What do you think is getting in the way of finding the right therapist? If counseling is not a go right now, have you checked if there are any support groups for family of people with mental illness nearby? Is there anyone among your friends and family you would consider opening up about the situation to?

BOFB I have been an am in the same place as you are, feeling hopeless and completely alone in a situation that few people could truly understand. Please don't lose hope. There is a way out of this, even if it is not easy to find.

~ROE

Thank you for responding.

All my friendships have disappeared, its impossible having a relationship with a pwBPD and maintain proper friendships or family relationships. At least it has been for me.

In regards to getting my own therapy / counselling / support, my second to last therapist, my pwBPD was also seeing. I was uncomfortable but couldnt get in anywhere else. And the sessions kept returning to my pwBPD's issues and resolutions and I felt like could not get any true objective support. And having a pwBPD having that level of access to someone I was getting support from, was a very uncomfortable position to be in.  I mentioned my concerns to the counsellor and she immediately recommended me to another, but the man I saw we just couldnt click. He didnt believe in labeling BPD and I tried in vain to explain the circumstances and behaviours and how mentally draining it is but if he doesnt have the knowledge to help me i didnt feel like he could. I was suicidal also and he told me he couldnt do anything to stop me or help me with that and just asked me to rate everything on everyday good or bad between 0 and 10. After I posted this post this morning, my last therapist, sent me a link to a Crisis Counselling centre 10 minutes from where I live. I sent an email and less than an hour I talked to the most amazing lady to completely understood what I was going through and was able to reiterate what I am experiencing and the cycle of by partners behavior more accurately than anyone has ever done. I have an appointment for a face to face session on Monday and for the first time in Months have some hope I can find what I need for support. If who I am working with doesn't understand what I am going through its not going to work.

I have a spark of hope this afternoon. The phone call and appt and feeling that I might be able to get some assistance that seems to be right for me, gave me a tiny bit of hope again. Whatever happens with my partner I need some proper assistance as a spouse of someone with BPD.

[pearlsw]

Hi BurntOutFromBPD,

I am sorry that this situation has pushed you to the brink. I know what a painful place that can be. Please don't give up though. Getting help for yourself, assembling more support for you, is the first priority here!

Good to hear that you will have a therapist to speak with soon. And we are here too and can provide understanding and support as well.

I know they don't usually share the communication tools on this board, but if you take a look over on bettering there are some that I think, given your expressed interests here, could make a difference. For myself, just learning not to JADE

Don't JADE

made a big difference during some of the most horrific stuff he was throwing at me. Well, that and Validation.

These are good tools for all relationships, if you are interested.

I would just repeat the acronym in my head as he was exploding - don't justify, don't argue, don't defend, don't explain. And it would help me steer out of a lot of drama.

Keep us posted, hoping things lighten up for you soon!

warmly, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

I have a spark of hope this afternoon. The phone call and appt and feeling that I might be able to get some assistance that seems to be right for me, gave me a tiny bit of hope again. Whatever happens with my partner I need some proper assistance as a spouse of someone with BPD.

So glad to hear this. The first help I ever got was over a help-line. From there they helped me arrange a therapist. It all starts with one person and before you know it your support network has grown quite large.

On that note, seconding pearls that building your support network is the key to making change. I strongly advise you to post on other members' threads to get context on your own situation and build your own dream team here. The friendships I've made on bpdfamily have in fact helped me more than any therapist in making practical changes to my life.

I torpedoed some of my most important relationships in the name of my wife's BPD. When I opened up to those people about what was going on, I was able to rebuild them. I don't know your situation, but are you certain those relationships are unsalvageable? Do you think if you explained what was happening at home, it would be possible to rebuild?

~ROE

[BurntOutFromBPD]

I am looking forward to hopefully building up an effective Support Network. I had a long conversation with my pwBPD, but it was just like a record stuck on repeat. I never help her ever, she deals with everything, she appreciates the things that I do but then lists a dozen reasons to double down on NEVER helping her and all that she is doing is asking nicely for months and that she cant keep doing that anymore. I dont why I bothered but I kept pointing out everything that I did that she has said for months that I dont ever do and that all she cares about is getting help for herself and doesnt care if she has to kill any relationships to do so. I am at a point where I dont know how long I can stay in this situation. I am in groundhog day under constant threat of divorce, for not meeting expectations that not matter what I do there is a dozen other things to justify the hate.

I havent given up on myself yet but I am giving up on the relationship. I dont know how much longer I can live with being her blame target, scapegoat, emotional shield, support network, contractor, whipping boy and punching bag simultaneously while any attempts of mine to get my own support network are being sabotaged. She has almost succeeded in breaking my self worth down completely so I will be her complete puppet. I would disappear and go off the grid before that happened. I am still holding on barely, but I dont know how long I can last with this current phase. No matter how much you know it isnt true, when someone convinces you of the same thing about yourself every single day, it becomes so much harder to continue to convince yourself how much it is not real.

[RolandOfEld]

I havent given up on myself yet but I am giving up on the relationship.

No matter how much you know it isnt true, when someone convinces you of the same thing about yourself every single day, it becomes so much harder to continue to convince yourself how much it is not real.

BOFB I hear you. We need to focus on the relationship with ourselves before we can repair those with others. I was in a pretty bad relationship with myself around this time last year and felt what you feel. The lowest point was when my wife commanded me to threaten to sue our son's kindergarten teacher for putting his picture on the school Facebook. The teacher was nice to him and just graduated and it was way out of proportion. But I did it, and felt sick while doing it, and believed I had no choice as I'm sure you often do. I have done worse in the name of her BPD.

I feel your pain very acutely and want to point you to a thread of mine from a few weeks ago where I share a letter I wrote to my Rabbi six years ago when I was deeply lost in the identity my wife had constructed for me. I am not that way anymore. I want you to show you that there is hope.

Of all the things your wife's behaviors have taken from you, what is the one you would want back the most?

~ROE

[BurntOutFromBPD]

Of all the things your wife's behaviors have taken from you, what is the one you would want back the most?

Self respect / Self worth

Is it even possible to be able to regain these while still deep in a relationship w/ pwBPD?

[RolandOfEld]

Ironically, it was my BPD relationship that helped me find these things, which I had never really had in the first place. In taking steps to protect myself and my kids from her behaviors, I found courage and strength I never knew existed. But this took a lot of time and painful steps.

So to answer your question, yes, but it probably requires altering how deep you are in the relationship. The first step is to set boundaries - since its usually when they are crossed that our self worth / respect is hurt most - and boundary setting may create some distance at first.

The first boundary I set with my wife was: I am not going to risk my job any more to accommodate your irresponsible behavior (e.g. threatening suicide, threatening to cut up my clothes, demanding I suddenly take leave, etc). The results of setting this boundary were ugly and scary, to say the least.

What are some areas in which you think you need to set boundaries with your pwBPD?

~ROE

[BurntOutFromBPD]

What are some areas in which you think you need to set boundaries with your pwBPD?

Not reacting / responding to random severe ultimatums.

This has been one of her favourite tactics with me is coming up with a hard Ultimatum to change something that is either completely arbritrary or that is only perceived by her and not tangiable. Usually the ultimatum is a direct threat of immediate divorce or separation. Years ago I gave myself a task to never go through with an ultimatum, but it hasnt stopped her trying. And the more I have been dismissing the ultimatum, the more she has doubles down. If I ignore it completely it can disappear after a number of weeks, but that also has its own ugly results.

[RolandOfEld]

"If I don't see real change in 3 months, it's over."

Ultimatums like that? I've probably gotten a hundred in the last ten years.

It sounds like you've already gotten good at setting this boundary. How ugly do the results get, and how do you cope?

~ROE

-------------------------
A bit of BPD humor, my wife had sent me a text once saying "It's over, not a threat" following an extinction burst like the ones you mentioned above. Somehow the text got connected to her contact on my phone, so it showed every time she called me. Got rid of it eventually, but for a while I was seeing her photo every day with the words "It's over, not a threat." under her face. Like a constant reminder of her BPD.  

[AskingWhy]

I have received countless divorce threats from my uBPD/uNPD H in 20 years of marriage.  They have been escalating for the last 8 years or so due to his children becoming adults and his parents aging and dying.

These threats, IMO, are attempts to get control, and a common tactic of pwBPD.

My answer now is to let me do what he wants.  If he really wants a divorce, he'll file and have me served.  I am ready and my lawyer will quickly countersue.

I recall in the last few months, I got 6 divorce threats over a period of three straight days.  I just ignored them.  It's just his ranting, IMO,

Each partner has to find out what the pwBPD is trying to say to attempt to do.