Daughter With BPD, today I finally told her I could not help her with her rent

[Losing hope]

Hi,

I just joined this group because I have a 46 year old daughter with BPD.  She has a horrible job history because she always finds fault with people at work and ends up quitting.  She has been a substance abuser for years but at times goes to AA and gets some sobriety.  Because of her problems she has financially difficulties and I have been helping her for years plus giving her advice, etc.  Finally today I told her I could not help her with her rent.  I immediately felt a tremendous sense of guilt and worry.  I am afraid she will end up homeless.  I am hoping to share feelings and learn things on this discussion forum after dealing with all of this for years all by myself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

hi Losing Hope

Welcome to the bpdfamily 

No doubt this has been a long and difficult journey for you as your daughter is now 46, and I'm sorry that this has been so difficult for you, in particular as you are by yourself .  I'm struck by how many parents have recently posted about their child and problems with alcohol and sobriety, including all the other financial issues associated with this. 

Finally today I told her I could not help her with her rent.  I immediately felt a tremendous sense of guilt and worry.  I am afraid she will end up homeless. 

This sounds like you are at the end of your tether after having given so much for so long and while your worry is totally understandable, I think your boundary is strong and is a small but significant change for the better. Well done!  I think most of us could have written your words above, where we have stepped in to rescue our children time after time, and feeling so terribly guilty and responsible when we put boundaries in place to protect ourselves.  I pulled back six months ago and the result was being cut off from my DD27 and GD1.  I came here in the midst of a crisis, looking for answers and support and I have found much of both.  The more I shared my story, the more members here supported me with warmth and care, including wonderful guidance.

I've learned to understand that my rescuing behaviour mostly enabled my daughter and caused me to lose so much of myself.  I've learned that I can't change her but I can change how I behave and look after myself.  Most importantly, I stepped back and started to learn and practice validating her emotions, rather than her behaviour, and I stopped giving her advice.  While I am still no contact, I am working on having the tools available to me to give me the best chance of a better relationship and being able to help her help herself.

You're so right, it is very scary and you have every right to feel afraid; this is how a parent's love is and it shows the depth of care you have for your daughter. 

You mention that you have no support.  Can I say that we are all alongside you   and you will build friendships here. Can I ask if you have spoken to a counselor or trusted friends?  I have personally found that very helpful too.

We would love to hear a little more about your circumstances to target the conversation, and start to provide you some hope.

Look after yourself, and remember that you are a wonderful mother.

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hello Losing hope

I would like to join Merlot in welcoming you here.

You say that your daughter has a horrible job history because she always finds fault with people at work and ends up quitting, that must be a terrible worry for you. What is her current situation regarding work, is she employed at the moment?

Because of her problems she has financially difficulties and I have been helping her for years plus giving her advice, etc.  Finally today I told her I could not help her with her rent.  I immediately felt a tremendous sense of guilt and worry.  I am afraid she will end up homeless.  I am hoping to share feelings and learn things on this discussion forum after dealing with all of this for years all by myself.

You have absolutely done the right thing in telling your daughter that you could not help her with her rent. I understand that you felt a tremendous sense of guilt and worry. I realised after coming to this site that I too suffered from guilt if I tried to implement boundaries but I have come to learn that personal boundaries are essential for one’s own health and well-being. You have nothing to feel guilty for, I am sure that you have always done your best by her.

I hope that you might find that this will help you with your feelings of guilt, just click below

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

I am so sorry to hear that you have been dealing with all of this for years all by yourself, you have most definitely come to the right place here for help and support. Do you have any family members who could also offer you support?  

[Losing hope]

Thank you so much for responding to my first post.  I was asked if I have any support or counseling to help me cope with my BPD daughter.  The answer is not much.  I do go to Ai-Anon meetings and they are helpful but I never realized how much information there is available about dealing with loved ones who have BPD on line until last night and I found my way here. This site is amazing but also some what overwhelming.  Could someone suggest a good place to begin digesting all that is offered? 

More about my daughter; she was diagnosed with BPD many years ago when she went to vocational rehab.  Her response was that she was devestated and mine was denial.  Over the years between her disorder and her substance abuse she has never really gotten anywhere.  She gets sober for awhile but eventually stops going to meetings because she finds fault with everyone.  She dabbles with counseling but doesn't stick with it. About three years ago she was in DBT but stopped going because she didn't like her counselor, etc.  Her entire adult life has been incredibly turbulent and unsettled.  And what was I doing throughout these years? Giving advice, paying her bills, and trying to rescue her.  In other words enabling her.  At times I had myself convince she was getting better only to be smacked in the face with the reality that nothing has ever helped or changed.  I finally came to the realization that she has to start learning to take care of herself.  I cannot keep trying to do it for her.  Not sure if I am doing the right thing or if it will make any kind f difference but what I do know is that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result was driving me crazy. I am powerless and now letting go.

[Merlot]

Hi losing Hope

I do go to Ai-Anon meetings and they are helpful but I never realized how much information there is available about dealing with loved ones who have BPD on line until last night and I found my way here. This site is amazing but also some what overwhelming.  Could someone suggest a good place to begin digesting all that is offered?  

I'm really amazed to hear the spirit of parents in wanting to help their children by getting in their child's shoes and learning about alcohol addictions.  There are a number of parents here who are doing exactly that.  You may have read recent post by Blueskyday who is travelling a similar path as you and I encourage you to reach out to her on the board and you will no doubt exchange targeted learnings from each other.

Yes the site has much information.  I think the information about self care and "putting on your oxygen mask" is a good starting point.  Looking after yourself is vital in being able to take other steps forward while you learn about BPD.

I have started to read a book by Rachel Reiland, "Get me out of here" a biography of recovery from BPD.  It's been really helpful in understanding the pain they go through but also the familial impacts.

Her entire adult life has been incredibly turbulent and unsettled.  And what was I doing throughout these years? Giving advice, paying her bills, and trying to rescue her.  In other words enabling her.  At times I had myself convince she was getting better only to be smacked in the face with the reality that nothing has ever helped or changed.  I finally came to the realization that she has to start learning to take care of herself.  I cannot keep trying to do it for her.  Not sure if I am doing the right thing or if it will make any kind f difference but what I do know is that doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result was driving me crazy. I am powerless and now letting go.

Your self awareness in such a state of turmoil is truly inspiring    BPD manifests itself in so many different ways that it's hard to know what is the right thing to do.  I know for myself, I have been trying lots of different things to reconnect with my daughter.  It has been about validation but she is still so angry.  I'm ok with that now and I want to continue to touch base with her just to let her know that i'm still here; it's imperative that she knows I love her and I am here.

I have also come to understand that we can catch them in their calmer moments and engage them in conversations aimed at helping them help themselves, without giving advice and re-validating their emotions if things look like they are escalating.

Look forward to hearing from you again. Hang in there; one day at a time.

Merlot

[DoneMom]

Hi there Losing hope,

I feel for you and can see that it has been a (46 years) long & very exhausting journey for you with your daughter. 

I am new here too and just want to say that I admire you for setting a firm boundary and for releasing yourself from the fear, obligation and guilt that come from having an adult BPD child who relies upon you financially.  I am also trying to set boundaries with my own adult (23 yrs) daughter and I know how hard it is to let go. 

You will find good support and information here... .welcome from a fellow newbie on the same path!

DMom

[Losing hope]

Thank you Merlot and Done Mom for responding to my posts.  Your support, suggestions and sharing is absolutely invaluable.  I am very happy that I have found this site because I now realize there are many other people going through situations similar to mine and they are learning to cope and take care of themselves.  It is so good to know that I am not alone.

Throughout my daughter's adult life things have been rough as I said before but I was totally focused on her addictions and trying to get her into recovery that the BPD was, for me, not something that I thought much about. So, unfortunately, I did not realize how much of an effect it was having on her and of course on our relationship.  This has all come to the forefront in the last two to three months because after a phone conversation that went sour she completely stopped communicating with me.  We live very far away from each other but talked several times a week on the phone.  So, needless to say, not hearing from her for weeks and then a couple of months was quite a shock but, at the same time, nice because my life became soo much calmer.  Finally I received an email with a picture attached and her message was "here's a picture of me and some new friends I met at AA".  I wrote back and said "cool".  I didn't hear anything else until a week later when she wrote asking for help with the rent.  And, as I mentioned before, for the first time ever I told her I could not help her.  I said I had too many expenses this month and just couldn't do it.  I did not want to go into a blame game or anything like that.  She wrote back and said she understood.  About a week went by with no more communication from her so I decided to write an email asking her about something that was not personal and then told her that my little dog and I were fine and I hoped she was too.  She responded by answering my question about the non personal thing and then said she was fine, no elaboration, nothing.  So this is where it stands.  I have no idea if she has a job, how she is supporting herself, if she is still going to AA or whether she is getting any kind of help.  But, in so many ways, this no contact has been a blessing for me.  Yes, I worry, but I am in less turmoil and I have started to get a lot more insight into how all my meddling, financial support, advice giving and every other method of enabling has not helped, but, actually hindered her from growing and getting better.  Now, I want to start learning more about BPD so that, when and if we ever have a relationship again I might be able to do things a whole lot better.  This website is a treasure trove of resources that I plan to explore and I want to read books on this disorder.  Thank you, Merlot, for the book suggestion.  I read the reviews and it sounds very good although I am not sure if I am ready for it quite yet.  Is it an emotionally tough read?  I think I am going to start with "Walking on Eggshells".  I use to suggest to my daughter often that she should read some books on BPD and I offered to buy them for her.  A few times she agreed but I don't think she ever read them.   So here's a novel thought, why don't I quit suggesting books for her to read and follow my own advice!

It has been a godsend finding this site.  To everyone who has posted their experiences, I want to thank you for sharing.  I have been so touched by all of it and continue to be amazed and helped by your experiences and your strength.

Sincerely,

Losing Hope

[wendydarling]

Hi Losing Hope  

I wanted to pop by and say hello and welcome you. It is indeed a blessing and relief to find this great place and wonderful group of parents who understand. I'm very touched by your story and how you are changing your approach with your learning already.

My favourite book is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Manning understands what it means to care deeply about someone who is afflicted with this serious illness and offers practical tools to help in the day to struggles.

Love the way you tell yourself to follow your own advice, priceless  

Welcome again.

WDx

[Merlot]

hi Losing Hope

I'm so glad you're here talking to us and that you have a voice that is being heard  

You last post is a script out of my life and journey.  We are indeed living parallel lives with our BPD daughters.

Not hearing from her for weeks and then a couple of months was quite a shock but, at the same time, nice because my life became soo much calmer.
Losing Hope

These were/are my sentiments too.  Such crossroads and totally at odds with each other.  We love and want them in our lives but we don't want the relentless drama.  The irony is, I think they feel the same way - the "I hate you" - "don't leave me"  for all different reasons intrinsic to BPD.

Rachel Rieland's book is very confronting as it exposes that parental relationship, however there is much research to suggest that environmental factors are only exacerbated by a genetic predisposition.  Forgive me, I'm no psychologist but just going on what I have read.  Wendydarling recommends a wonderful book that does touch on these issues.  It is definitely a more in depth look at BPD, while Walking on Eggshells is wonderful introduction.

Like Wendydarling and Donemom, I'm full of admiration at your strength and reflection.

Great to hear from you  

Merlot