FF needs some quick advice on to text back or not

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

And... .to clarify the story.

My wife knew that I hadn't approved buying the workbench.  We had both discussed it verbally... and were in agreement that where there was "extra" money (after bills paid)... and we both agreed... .we would consider the steel workbench again.  (but I assured her I thought it was good idea).

I'm a detail guy... .and so as I do financial things... and email to her served as "notes" for me as well.

These receivables came in... these payments went out... .I'm expecting a low point around here in cash and a high point around here. 

My wife expressed concern that there might not be enough money for a tank of gas.  I told her I was confident she could get a tank of gas and there would be plenty for that, even if expected receivables didn't show. 

In other words... fill up the car and don't worry.

I let her know a couple mortgages were paid and I was holding on paying one or two (until receivables actually showed) because I didn't want to draw the account down that much.

The mortgage I was delaying paying was mid $800 range.  I knew $$ would be there in a few days and well before any penalty.  My wife knew all these figures.

So... she took my assurance that she could get a tank of gas... got a tank of gas, withdrew $300 in cash, spent $700ish on steel workbench (rolling thing for garage) and a few hundred other bucks on random Sams club items.

Yet... I tricked her... because I "said there was plenty"  (as she conveniently left of "for a tank of gas"

This was all done via email... .was all black and white... so no "mishearing"... no bad connections.

She looked at the emails and said I "designed" them that way to "make her look bad"... as if I knew she would abrogate... .so iron clad emails of what I had actually said... that contradicted her version... .was "proof" of me tricking her  (I hope I got that right)

I'm all for working on things... and her feelings... but at the heart of this entire discussion. 

How do you make financial agreements with someone... .that doesn't keep financial agreements.

We can validate all day long... .we can listen... .understand... .but if she has access (without going through me)... .she will eventually buckle and blow it.

That just doesn't work for me. 

(not trying to shut down discussion... .but give clarity on my "bottom line".  If there is an idea that doesn't "honor my bottom line"... well... .not much use in discussing it.

FF

[formflier]

And... .to clarify the story.

My wife knew that I hadn't approved buying the workbench.  We had both discussed it verbally... and were in agreement that where there was "extra" money (after bills paid)... and we both agreed... .we would consider the steel workbench again.  (but I assured her I thought it was good idea).

I'm a detail guy... .and so as I do financial things... and email to her served as "notes" for me as well.

These receivables came in... these payments went out... .I'm expecting a low point around here in cash and a high point around here. 

My wife expressed concern that there might not be enough money for a tank of gas.  I told her I was confident she could get a tank of gas and there would be plenty for that, even if expected receivables didn't show. 

In other words... fill up the car and don't worry.

I let her know a couple mortgages were paid and I was holding on paying one or two (until receivables actually showed) because I didn't want to draw the account down that much.

The mortgage I was delaying paying was mid $800 range.  I knew $$ would be there in a few days and well before any penalty.  My wife knew all these figures.

So... she took my assurance that she could get a tank of gas... got a tank of gas, withdrew $300 in cash, spent $700ish on steel workbench (rolling thing for garage) and a few hundred other bucks on random Sams club items.

Yet... I tricked her... because I "said there was plenty"  (as she conveniently left of "for a tank of gas"

This was all done via email... .was all black and white... so no "mishearing"... no bad connections.

She looked at the emails and said I "designed" them that way to "make her look bad"... as if I knew she would abrogate... .so iron clad emails of what I had actually said... that contradicted her version... .was "proof" of me tricking her  (I hope I got that right)

I'm all for working on things... and her feelings... but at the heart of this entire discussion. 

How do you make financial agreements with someone... .that doesn't keep financial agreements.

We can validate all day long... .we can listen... .understand... .but if she has access (without going through me)... .she will eventually buckle and blow it.

That just doesn't work for me. 

(not trying to shut down discussion... .but give clarity on my "bottom line".  If there is an idea that doesn't "honor my bottom line"... well... .not much use in discussing it.

FF

[braveSun]

FF I'm sorry that this happened to you. 



I see that an experience like this can make it impossible to further want to make agreements that could affect your bottom line.

I don't think I would want to take that risk too. Pooling money in a way that can have consequences on one's financial stability is already a factor of vulnerability by default.

It must be hard for you to see that you could share this with her in the past and now you can't. 

 

[formflier]

It is hard to wrap my head around this.

Notwendy did a good job talking about costs... both financial and to the relationship.


I suppose I've decided that the further cost of letting her do these kinds of things is "too expensive" for the relationship. 

So... "I've paid" to take away this "tool" from her.

I suppose I'll continue to pay for this, yet I also "reap the benefit" of her not doing this anymore.

A balancing act I suppose.

FF

[Notwendy]

Oh FF that sounds awful. It also sounds like she was paranoid that you were trying to trick her and that you really had the money and so she spent it.

It's hard when someone's thinking is so far off base.

I support you for putting the breaks on the money. That's about all you can do when the thinking is that irrational.

With my BPD mother, she has high end tastes and when she wants something she "has" to have it. What makes her want something could be a comment from a total stranger " this looks good" then she decides she has to have "it". She wants the best of things but often the "best" is because someone said it was.

My mother is not technically savvy but she likes to use e mail and shop online. She had asked someone "what is the best computer" and someone told her "this computer is the best".  Yes, if you play video games. I was with my father when she sent us to the store to get the computer. Mom is not going to be the gaming champion as far as I know and needs a basic computer.  I noticed another one on sale for a much better price with equal capacity to do what she wanted to do and suggested it. My father became very agitated and snapped " Just get her the one she wants". Well he knew the consequences of bringing home a different one.

I think this kind of spending stems from victim mode. They feel bad, and so they buy to "rescue" themselves or have someone else buy it and rescue them. With your wife, I think she may have believed you were tricking her to keep her from spending money that was really there. To do nothing is reinforcing disordered thinking. Somehow my mother believed she needed a computer that had more than she needed, and to not buy it would invalidate her, but it also reinforced disordered thinking.

[Notwendy]

I can relate to Cat and braveSun's situation. H and I met as students and after that had roughly equal modest salaries.  It was always our agreement that I would work a part time job when kids came along if we could afford it. Later we decided I would stay home with them until they were older and I have gone back to working outside the home.

We had a shared joint account that we put both salaries into, and another joint account that I used for household expenses. When I worked part time, I paid for food, diapers, household items out of my salary. He paid mortgage, utilities and other expenses out of the larger joint account that was mainly his paycheck. Then one day, I noticed a lot of money missing out of the joint account. I thought it was a mistake - a banking error- but when I checked, he had taken it to buy expensive items I had no idea about. I was shocked. He didn't think he did anything wrong. He maintained that - well since he made the money he can do what he wants with it and if I made that money, I could too.

This shattered the illusion of the agreements I thought we had. I also later put money from my earnings in a savings account in my name. A counselor recommended that to me too. It wasn't my "spending money". It was security - something I felt I needed to keep safe from his spending.  

A counselor also recommended the 50-50 discretionary fund and we tried it but it didn't work. Mentally, he sees the money given to me for household expenses and kids as "giving all of it to me".   A discretionary fund for me on top of that feels very unfair to him and he resented it. I think the household allowance is generous though for what the kids and I would need.  Thankfully, he is all in with college funds and  has cut back on the spending for that. That is different from what my mother did. I had feared that and it didn't happen.

[flourdust]

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Thanks!