Can you relate? My heart melted when I saw his inner child.

[ILuvABorderline]

It's no secret the my husband and I are going through a rough patch. After our most turbulent night, h has been staying with his father. I have seen him many times over the past two weeks, all while swimming through shock, fear, anger, resentment and then back to allowing some feelings of love to peek out of my heart. As my heart had come to feel mostly like a chunk of petrified tree weighing down the center of my chest, there was a breakthrough.


During the wee hours of Tuesday morning, somewhere near 4 am, after I had spent some time the night before trying to express my feelings over the last traumatic event with my husband, we were quietly arguing as our daughter was sleeping inbetween us, my husband said something so profound that I felt a bit of my cold heart melt. In one of those moments, when I could tell it was just him talking, no walls, no projection, no Borderline Beast looking to draw blood, he said, "W, I know I'm 42 years old and I'm supposed to be a man but on the inside I'm really a 42 year old child." He went on to tell me that he never grew up, that he never learned the right way to act, that when he is saying all those awful things, and acting in such a terrible way ( which he confesses to hate) , he is showing  out because he believes he has lost me and if he's lost me, he's lost the kids, etc.

I know in my research on BPD and through talking with counselors that it is very common for a Borderline to have had a traumatic childhood. This is certainly true for my husband. One of the traumas was sexual abuse by older children whose care he was left in. Many other tragedies and trigger points in his life have blended together to create the perfect recipe for a Borderline adult. One of the long term effects of childhood trauma, especially sexual abuse, is an inability for that person to emotionally mature past a certain age. I have seen this child so many times in my husband but didn't always recognize what I was looking at. I don't want to crush that sensitive, tender little boy, that has the potential to blossom into an amazing man. Being reminded of my husband's literal inner child helped soften me towards him and remember those sweet parts of him I dearly love. (Which I REAALLLYYY needed to remember because even as I am typing this he called, pissed off at me for a perceived Not Caring, and hung up, .)

Can anyone relate? Has therapy or your own observations helped you realize that your SO is still very much a "child?" How does this change your interactions with them? I know at times I can see that child in a very negative display and it can make it difficult for me two switch back into the "adult" mode.

(This is all so ironic as my last conversation and time spent with him was good but he is full on Borderline Beast mode at me currently. AsThePhoneRingsForTheThirdTimeAndIAmPreparingToBeHungUpOnForTheThirdTime)

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[ILuvABorderline]

Can I just interject and say how I loathe constantly being told I've abandoned him and that I don't care? Gritting. My. Teeth.

[Bright_80]

Yes, I can totally relate. My husband had a horrific childhood, which creeps up regularly. The stinging, traumatic events of the past are brought right into the present. I become his abusive stepmother and his violent ex-girlfriend. His godfather once, when discussing working through some trials, basically told him that he had not emotionally moved past the teenage years. My husband was initially resentful but I think has come to some realization of this.

The emotional stunting makes communication so challenging with a pwBPD. Thankfully, my husband is aware of his diagnosis and has gone through DBT, which has helped him to identify his emotions. It was amazing watching him learn to identify more than just 2-3 emotions and begin to experience what the other emotions feel like.

When I begin to feel numb, I have a picture from his childhood that just breaks and melts my heart toward him. His childhood photos are heartbreaking as you can see the torture imprinted across his entire being. This child is often worn right on his adult shirt sleeve.

In saying that, there is a fine balance between understanding this stunted nature but also treating him like an adult with adult consequences to childish behaviors. I'll be forever learning to be his wife and not his mother, because the mother in me wants to pick him up, dust off his knees, wipe away his tears and keep him safe forever. The problem is, when he's angry, I'm the one he feels he needs to be saved from. Then my heart is rebroken but for a different reason. And, it's not my job to save him to begin with. I think I need to read through "Codependent No More" once again, for his sake and mine.

You're not alone, ILuvABorderline. I wish you well!

[Bright_80]

Can I just interject and say how I loathe constantly being told I've abandoned him and that I don't care? Gritting. My. Teeth.

Exactly. When we're often the only ones who haven't... .

[pearlsw]

Hi ILuvABorderline,

My husband did not disclose it until many years in but he also experienced some sexual abuse. It was in his late teens. It was sad when it came out and I admit we did not say or do much about it. I expressed concern and offered to support in any way. It was really painful how it came out. It was before I recognized his mental health issues more fully, I still don't know if I grasp them entirely, and I said to him in exasperation "What is wrong with you?" Well, then he disclosed this. I sunk into the floor.

I do see him as a child sometimes, but I have to admit it is a bit of a turn off. I don't mind him being vulnerable or needing to be comforted. I don't mind quite a lot of it actually. But at times there is an element of helplessness and immaturity and of course the extremity that really is too much to bear.

I wish I had someone who I could feel more protected, noticed, and cared for by if I'm gonna do this relationship stuff, but that's not a given for me going forward. He does not pick up on the needs I'd want him to, and laser focuses in on my emotions only when it suits him.

It is not easy. Like you, I do my best to make the best of it. I wish I had more energy to keep making it better. I am numb and in a bit of a holding pattern.

I think if you have any way to be attracted to him after all this kind of drama you are indeed lucky. I managed to stay attracted through quite a lot until the bottom sort of fell out. I am really torn over whether I should push myself into feeling attracted again. I think I could improve my attraction, but it would take some concentrated effort and a lot of mental gymnastics to restore it to a basic level. It would help if I could do so.

wishing you the best, pearl.

[ILuvABorderline]

Yes, I can totally relate. My husband had a horrific childhood, which creeps up regularly. The stinging, traumatic events of the past are brought right into the present. I become his abusive stepmother and his violent ex-girlfriend. His godfather once, when discussing working through some trials, basically told him that he had not emotionally moved past the teenage years. My husband was initially resentful but I think has come to some realization of this.

The emotional stunting makes communication so challenging with a pwBPD. Thankfully, my husband is aware of his diagnosis and has gone through DBT, which has helped him to identify his emotions. It was amazing watching him learn to identify more than just 2-3 emotions and begin to experience what the other emotions feel like.

When I begin to feel numb, I have a picture from his childhood that just breaks and melts my heart toward him. His childhood photos are heartbreaking as you can see the torture imprinted across his entire being. This child is often worn right on his adult shirt sleeve.

In saying that, there is a fine balance between understanding this stunted nature but also treating him like an adult with adult consequences to childish behaviors. I'll be forever learning to be his wife and not his mother, because the mother in me wants to pick him up, dust off his knees, wipe away his tears and keep him safe forever. The problem is, when he's angry, I'm the one he feels he needs to be saved from. Then my heart is rebroken but for a different reason. And, it's not my job to save him to begin with. I think I need to read through "Codependent No More" once again, for his sake and mine.

You're not alone, ILuvABorderline. I wish you well!


Exactly this! I don't have a specific picture but every time I view photos from his childhood I can see the pain. There is a significant difference in his eyes pre and post sexual trauma. It makes me so sad. And the "fine balance" is exactly that, a tightrope walk with a thousand foot drop. Unfortunately, I'm not a naturally graceful person and I rarely manage to maintain that balance.

[ILuvABorderline]

Bright,

Also, I have read "Co-dependent No More." It was very eye-opening for me.

[ILuvABorderline]

"I do see him as a child sometimes, but I have to admit it is a bit of a turn off. I don't mind him being vulnerable or needing to be comforted. I don't mind quite a lot of it actually. But at times there is an element of helplessness and immaturity and of course the extremity that really is too much to bear. "


Pearl,

I greatly identify with this statement. It is hard for me to separate the child from the man. When he splits from portraying the child, especially if the display has been more of a tantrum throwing one, to a man, with a man's desires, I often find myself turned off. This dynamic has definitely caused issues in the bedroom for us. I am not a pedophile and do not find children sexually attractive. When all I can see him as is the little boy he carries inside, I feel innately WRONG when he approaches me for sex. Like I literally feel like I am doing something so incredibly awful. It makes it very difficult to get out of my head and into making love with him. ESPECIALLY given that he was sexually abused as a young child. I worry about ever replicating those feelings in him or putting him in a position where I am in anyway taking advantage of him sexually.

[Bright_80]

Bright,

Also, I have read "Co-dependent No More." It was very eye-opening for me.

I've read it, too, and felt the same way! I need to read it again!

[sotiredofthis]

"I do see him as a child sometimes, but I have to admit it is a bit of a turn off. I don't mind him being vulnerable or needing to be comforted. I don't mind quite a lot of it actually. But at times there is an element of helplessness and immaturity and of course the extremity that really is too much to bear. "


Pearl,

I greatly identify with this statement. It is hard for me to separate the child from the man. When he splits from portraying the child, especially if the display has been more of a tantrum throwing one, to a man, with a man's desires, I often find myself turned off. This dynamic has definitely caused issues in the bedroom for us. I am not a pedophile and do not find children sexually attractive. When all I can see him as is the little boy he carries inside, I feel innately WRONG when he approaches me for sex. Like I literally feel like I am doing something so incredibly awful. It makes it very difficult to get out of my head and into making love with him. ESPECIALLY given that he was sexually abused as a young child. I worry about ever replicating those feelings in him or putting him in a position where I am in anyway taking advantage of him sexually.

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 i greatly identify with both of you. Going to re-read codependent no more. But I absolutely see the inner child and it melts me. Also making it tough to be sexually intimate.