Feeling very confused and alone

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone,

I must admit that I was apprehensive and reluctant to join a support group, but I feel like I have exhausted all other options (I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just mean I am afraid to express myself freely about this). I need support and advise from people who have similar experiences. I have a mother with suspected BPD and/or Narcissistic personality disorder. She has not been diagnosed by a professional, at least that I know of (she is very secretive about her own life, but must be intensely involved and controlling of everyone else’s). I have always suspected something was wrong with her and with our family structure, and I have always had a very difficult (to say the least) relationship with her. It was only last year that I decided to do some research, read books, and see a therapist and through this process I came to the very harsh realization that she very most likely has one if not both of these mental disorders. Her symptoms and actions line up perfectly with the descriptions I have read about and heard from my therapist. After years of thinking there might be something drastically wrong with me, I realized it was her. Instead of feeling relieved, I started to feel more and more confused, alone, anxious and trapped. I forgot to mention that I also work for her, so I literally deal with her on daily basis. I have recently made the decision to leave and find employment elsewhere. Again, instead of feeling empowered, I feel more scared and anxious than before. I hate that I am feeling this way. I know she is the "crazy" one so why am I so scared? I am grown adult with a very supportive, loving husband, she has nothing to hold over me anymore like she used to when I was younger. I don't "need" her anymore, but I still feel controlled by her uproars, intense emotions, controlling and passive aggressive behavior. The anxiety is getting to me more and more and I don't know what to do? It is taking over me and becoming debilitating. A large part of me wants to cut her out of my life, but then I would loose the rest of my family. But if I keep her in my life I’m not sure that I will ever feel like my life is completely my own. Please help.

Thank you

[confused90]

Hello everyone,

I must admit that I was apprehensive and reluctant to join a support group, but I feel like I have exhausted all other options (I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just mean I am afraid to express myself freely about this). I need support and advise from people who have similar experiences. I have a mother with suspected BPD and/or Narcissistic personality disorder. She has not been diagnosed by a professional, at least that I know of (she is very secretive about her own life, but must be intensely involved and controlling of everyone else’s). I have always suspected something was wrong with her and with our family structure, and I have always had a very difficult (to say the least) relationship with her. It was only last year that I decided to do some research, read books, and see a therapist and through this process I came to the very harsh realization that she very most likely has one if not both of these mental disorders. Her symptoms and actions line up perfectly with the descriptions I have read about and heard from my therapist. After years of thinking there might be something drastically wrong with me, I realized it was her. Instead of feeling relieved, I started to feel more and more confused, alone, anxious and trapped. I forgot to mention that I also work for her, so I literally deal with her on daily basis. I have recently made the decision to leave and find employment elsewhere. Again, instead of feeling empowered, I feel more scared and anxious than before. I hate that I am feeling this way. I know she is the "crazy" one so why am I so scared? I am grown adult with a very supportive, loving husband, she has nothing to hold over me anymore like she used to when I was younger. I don't "need" her anymore, but I still feel controlled by her uproars, intense emotions, controlling and passive aggressive behavior. The anxiety is getting to me more and more and I don't know what to do? It is taking over me and becoming debilitating. A large part of me wants to cut her out of my life, but then I would loose the rest of my family. But if I keep her in my life I’m not sure that I will ever feel like my life is completely my own. Please help.

Thank you

[Panda39]

Hi confused90,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm really glad you decided to take the plunge and post.  I come at BPD from a slightly different angle my significant other (SO) has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters.

I like you found something off about my SO's ex and began researching as well.

I'm sorry you are experiencing elevated anxiety, but to me it is understandable you are taking in a lot of new information, you are processing what to do with it, it's unknown territory, and will most likely involve change. Don't beat yourself up keep that therapy going and now you have us in your corner too.   

Everyone here "gets it" we all have someone with BPD in our lives and as more members respond you will find others that have walked in very similar shoes.

I don't "need" her anymore, but I still feel controlled by her uproars, intense emotions, controlling and passive aggressive behavior.

This sounds like what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail... .below are links to more on FOG.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I share this with you because for me information helped me to understand what was going on behind the chaos that my SO's ex would create around us... .helped me to better deal with things when I could see through his ex's behaviors.

Before I go I also want to point out the box to the right--> each item is a link to more information you might want to explore there when you have a chance.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

Sorry for the similar crosspost with Panda.

  Welcome confused90,

You’ve come to the right place. I’m so glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. Many of the members of the board have a mother with BPD or NPD or a combination. Some have been diagnosed. Many have not. We understand the confusion and conflict you’ve likely experienced all your life.

The good news is we’ve got some great resources to help you navigate these troubled waters.

I don't "need" her anymore, but I still feel controlled by her uproars, intense emotions, controlling and passive aggressive behavior. The anxiety is getting to me more and more and I don't know what to do? It is taking over me and becoming debilitating. A large part of me wants to cut her out of my life, but then I would loose the rest of my family. But if I keep her in my life I’m not sure that I will ever feel like my life is completely my own.

It sounds like you may be experiencing FOG. Fear Obligation Guilt. I wonder if this article rings any bells for you:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

What areas would you like support and help with? We’re here to listen and support. This board has helped me so much with my own healing process.  I hope you’ll keep asking questions and feel free to read and join in on other threads if you feel like it.

 

  L2T

[Turkish]

I think that a good first step is to find another job,  settle into the new feelings then reevaluate your r/s with your mother.  Have you good leads on other opportunities?

[zachira]

You are confused and feeling alone now that you are sure you mother has NPD and suspect she has BPD. You feel you cannot go no contact with your mother because that would mean losing the rest of your family. Know that your feelings are normal and you are not alone. Naturally you are feeling overwhelmed right now and want to feel better.
My mother has BPD and NPD. The BPD is more pronounced as mom's primary concern is fear of being abandoned by her children, and she will do anything she can to make us feel that we cannot survive without her.
I too have wanted to end the nightmare and go no contact with mom, and it is just not possible as I would lose my whole family. When I first realized mom had BPD several months ago, I was overwhelmed with sorrow and pain. I realized several years ago, that mom had NPD, and suffered a lot of anguish around that discovery as well. Finding out that mom has BPD was the most painful of all, as I realized she has done everything she can to negate me as an independent person from her, because that would mean she is being abandoned. With time, lots of therapy, surrounding myself with the right people, improving my self esteem, and lots of support from people on this site, I have begun to feel a lot better and am now happier in ways I have never been before.
Know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep posting here and let us know how we can best support you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Confused90,

I want to join the others and welcome you!   You truly will find lots of support here. It really is strange at first to post an introduction and those first few responses because you find that you are finally opening up about the truth that you've lived with for so long. We do understand!   The more you read, post, and jump into others posts, the more you will begin to feel connected.

I think it's pretty normal that you are feeling more anxious at the moment because you have made a choice to do something contrary to your mom. To me that is probably the main reason why you feel worse at the moment, combined with the FOG that the others have mentioned. For us as a child to ever imagine that we could do something separate from our uBPDm was akin to sticking our necks out there, so you've protected yourself and your little inner children all these years. They are possibly saying that they are unsure about this decision too, but I think it's a good one and will offer you some breathing room.

What do you think?

Wools

[LeneLu]

Again, instead of feeling empowered, I feel more scared and anxious than before. I hate that I am feeling this way. I know she is the "crazy" one so why am I so scared? I am grown adult with a very supportive, loving husband, she has nothing to hold over me anymore like she used to when I was younger. I don't "need" her anymore, but I still feel controlled by her uproars, intense emotions, controlling and passive aggressive behavior. The anxiety is getting to me more and more and I don't know what to do? It is taking over me and becoming debilitating. A large part of me wants to cut her out of my life, but then I would loose the rest of my family. But if I keep her in my life I’m not sure that I will ever feel like my life is completely my own. Please help.

I totally relate to this sentiment.  My (also supportive) husband asks me "What are you scared of?" I still can't answer this question, even after months of reflecting on it?  I just can't articulate it.  She has no real control over me.  Where does the fear come from for you?

[Turkish]

leenlou, confused90, anybody... .

Are you scared of being alone or abandoned? Or abandoning someone in need? Or maybe abandoning what feels like your duty? Duty to love no matter what?

[Learning2Thrive]

leenlou, confused90, anybody... .

Are you scared of being alone or abandoned? Or abandoning someone in need? Or maybe abandoning what feels like your duty? Duty to love no matter what?

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I used to be afraid because I knew if I stood up for myself and spoke the truth, I would probably be cutting myself off from my entire family.

That is what happened to me in the end. They (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) all enabled or continue to enable her behaviors and look(ed) the other way during the abuse, even though they were afraid of her. When I no longer marched to the let’s pretend band, the crap really hit the fan. It was easier for them to call me crazy or stuck up or say I was lying or whatever than to admit they support(ed) and enable(d) a very disturbed, abusive individual for DECADES. Besides, they’re all still hoping she’s going to leave them money when she dies.

For me, it was the fear of losing my entire family and identity.

Losing your entire FOO (or the possibility of it) because they prefer to live in dysfunction than face the truth makes you question your entire existence, IMO.

  L2T

[Panda39]

I'm only speculating here, but I think D21 is afraid of what other people will think of her because she is no contact with her mom. She pretty much just shuts down any conversation about her mom... .she stuffs.

I think D17 does fear Abandonment... .with reason, she was the kid sent to camp out of state only there was no camp.  This is the child who also has PTSD.

We just went on our first blended family vacation last week (it was awesome and went really well!  )  However, D17 apparently had a really bad anxiety attack the evening before we left.  She was afraid she would be left somewhere along the way   She continues to have limited contact with her mother, has not cut the cord like her sister (which is okay) She may fear her mother will abandon her if she does.

Panda39

[LeneLu]

Turkish,

Initially, I was afraid of family abandonment.  But, I do have the emotional support of my oldest sibling and my father. My bro told me to "throw like a box of rocks to the side of the road and move on with your life."  So, once I got past my family abandoning me over this (although I do think there are some other family members that support her), I still had and have fear.  I think that I am very afraid of my first encounter with her, what she will say (that will still hurt), behave and project.  She loves to embarrass me and craves attention.

LeenLou

[naturalturn]

Again, instead of feeling empowered, I feel more scared and anxious than before. I hate that I am feeling this way. I know she is the "crazy" one so why am I so scared? I am grown adult with a very supportive, loving husband, she has nothing to hold over me anymore like she used to when I was younger. I don't "need" her anymore, but I still feel controlled by her uproars, intense emotions, controlling and passive aggressive behavior. The anxiety is getting to me more and more and I don't know what to do? It is taking over me and becoming debilitating.

I totally relate to this sentiment.  My (also supportive) husband asks me "What are you scared of?" I still can't answer this question, even after months of reflecting on it?  I just can't articulate it.  She has no real control over me.  Where does the fear come from for you?

I had to double take when reading both of this sections as I felt a little deja- vu with some of the posts I have made. This is EXACTLY how I feel as well! My fiance (who is absolutely wonderful and supportive) says the same thing "Why are you so scared? What can she actually do to you? You shouldn't be afraid of her."

I feel the same way, I have continuously thought about these questions and logically, I can't find an answer. Logically, it makes no sense why I feel scared of her and worried to upset her when she has never seemed to truly worry about upsetting me. I can't explain it either, but it is crippling and I hate feeling this way. It also makes me feel a little crazy because I know it logically doesn't make sense.

Maybe I'm worried that I will be a bad daughter? Maybe I'm worried that me not pleasing her and acting like the best daughter in the world, justifies her crazy behavior? Maybe I'm worried because if I upset her, then her anger will come back 10x stronger? Maybe I'm worried because if she is upset with me, she will try to turn my friends and coworkers against me?

I'm just not sure... .maybe it's all of the above. What I am sure of though is that I wish these anxieties and worries I have about my mother would just disappear... .

[Learning2Thrive]

... .
Maybe I'm worried that I will be a bad daughter? Maybe I'm worried that me not pleasing her and acting like the best daughter in the world, justifies her crazy behavior? Maybe I'm worried because if I upset her, then her anger will come back 10x stronger? Maybe I'm worried because if she is upset with me, she will try to turn my friends and coworkers against me?

Yes, I remember feeling all these things when I was younger.

I'm just not sure... .maybe it's all of the above. What I am sure of though is that I wish these anxieties and worries I have about my mother would just disappear... .

As you (we) know, they won’t go away on their own. Unfortunately.    Sadly, we were conditioned to feel responsible for our mothers’ wellbeing since we were babies. Growing up like that, it wouldn’t be normal to not have anxiety in your current situations.

Normal, healthy parents want their children to grow up and have their own lives so they teach their children to do so, with love.

We have to do this for ourselves. Therapy helps. Having a good support system is critical.  We are here to listen and support you. It definitely can get better.

  L2T