Controlling BPD Mom

[starbucksgirl]

Hi everyone,

I really appreciated your love on my last post, thank you so much. So recently this summer, I have a job working at a local coffee and donut shop which I have been working at for the past 4 summers and I love a lot. However, they were only scheduling me for 4 days of the week and my mom was not happy, she wanted me to work more hours and was complaining every day telling me to get a second job. I was hesitant because I am still working 29 hours and keep in mind I am only 19 years old. However, I reluctantly applied and got a night job working at TJMaxx. I told them I could work 16-20 hours a week so I am working four days a week there also. However, that means I work multiple double shifts a week starting from 5am till 9:30pm at night and I am mentally, physically, and emotionally dead at the end of each day and I have to do that multiple days in a row. I just started there and now a great, flexible design job came up helping set up a start up sea salt company and i worked there for a day and its exactly what i'm going to college for and would look great on my resume and is exactly what i love to do. However, he wants to give me a bigger position of running his gift shop and designing his labels and website and everything but I am already too busy working my two jobs. I don't really enjoy my TJMaxx job very much and am thinking about quitting it to work this design job. My dad thinks it would be great and much more easygoing and flexible for me but my mom is freaking out and does not like the idea much at all. She says that if I quit this job that it is teaching me to "quit when things get hard" but that's not at all it, I am a hard worker and I understand the importance of work but I am only 19 and I have no time to have a social life or sleep much now and she is always complaining she never gets to see me or i never want to talk but she is the one who forced me to get a second job! I am beyond frustrated and have had multiple breakdowns because I am so heavily stressed. She is so worried that if i quit tjmaxx, i will "burn down that bridge" and what if this other job falls through. She is so back and forth all the time on things I am going out of my mind. I understand that her brain works differently and she hears things opposite of what they mean but I don't know how to get her to understand. She puts so much pressure on me but I just want the independence to do what I want and to have her support me in some way. I am making so much money but she is always saying I need more and more and when she was my age she was saving and all this. I just want her to see that I am smart, strong and independent and I do understand all this stuff but she never believes me and everything has to be done her way and in her time. I really want to quit TJMaxx to work this design job but I am scared and I don't even know how to tell them I want to stop working there because I feel horrible I literally just started. I am sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent. Thank you

[Notwendy]

I’m going to reply to you as if you were my own child. First - you are a college student and when school starts you won’t have time to work all those hours. If TJ Maxx knows you are a student they can’t expect you to be a long term employee.

People do leave jobs for better ones. It may not please the employer but it is a fact they contend with. The important part is to be fair. By fair I mean give reasonable notice. Often that is two weeks but sometimes an angry employer can fire a person on the spot. Still you should be up front - explain you are in college and we’re offered a job in your major that will benefit you in the future. Tell them this is unexpected and you hope to leave on good terms. Say you are sorry for any inconvenience to them but you need to take this opportunity. They may not like it but it isn’t the same as just quitting for no reason. If they accept the two week notice then tell your new employer that you needed to be fair to TJ Maxx and hope to start in 2 weeks. Hopefully the new employer will appreciate that you have integrity with your work.

You may not get a recommendation fromTJ Maxx in the future. You did not work long enough for one. But if you conduct yourself with integrity in your job and your studies- you will gain the respect of your teachers and employers who will be references for you.

I don’t know what to do about your mother but you are a legal adult and can choose your career path. I’m sure you treat her with respect too. She may not agree with your decisions. By college age- students still ask their parents for advice but it’s often the professors who know more about the academic track a student is on. Some parents may not like it when their children look to others for advice and make different decisions but it’s your future.

Also beyond this thread- most colleges have career advising and counseling centers. The staff there understands the issues around children separating from their parents as they mature. These centers can give you solid advice about jobs, leaving jobs, and help with family issues. They would be a great resource to help you with this dilemma.

[zachira]

I too am the daughter of a controlling BPD mom, and it is just overwhelming to have her try to control every aspect of my life, without any consideration for what I want. I have learned over the years to give her as little information as possible about what I am doing, because she always comes up with her agenda, which is rarely what I want to do, and her reasoning is usually plainly flawed and has little basis in reality.
You are young and the choices you make now will determine your future. The kind of job you take will help you to have the career you desire. I am glad to hear your dad supports you. Hopefully, you can change jobs with as little involvement of your mother in this as is possible. You are working many hours, and I am wondering if you can mainly be home in waking hours when others are there besides your mom. I found that my mom acts better if other people are present, especially if these people are not members of the immediate family.
Know that there are many people on this Board that have a BPD mom, and we are here to listen and support you. It is especially hard when you are still living in the same house. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Harri]

Hi starbucksgirl.

Like the others who posted here, I too had a very controlling, opinionated and meddling mother.  She was relentless in terms of expressing her opinions, her disdain of my decisions, how I looked, acted, my thoughts, etc. 

I finally figured out that no matter what I did she was not going to be happy.  So I started making decisions that were what I wanted.  If I was going to get raged at and hear unending nagging, I was going to hear it because I made my own choices.

What is your fear?  Are you afraid your mother will yell, rage, nag, disparage you?  Is she a physical danger to you?  I am trying to see if you taking the design job and dropping TJMAXX will just result in more of what you are already getting and maybe a little worse or will she escalate to physical abuse?  I know that emotional abuse is actually very hard to deal with and I happen to think it is the most difficult of all of the abuses so I am not minimizing what you are experiencing, but I figure why miss out on a great opportunity if you are just going to get more of the same if you do go against her advice?

I say do what is right for you and for your future career.  I also think you would benefit by reading and posting here more regularly.  It is hard to learn the tools and to adopt new approaches to take with things like this situation when you are in a moment of crisis.  The best benefit of the board is to post even in calm times when things are going good... .it is easier to think and learn when the stress levels are not so high.

Good luck

[MissDisney]

Hi starbucksgirl,

Your situation is interesting to me because my BPD mum was (and still is) the complete opposite about my part-time work. She insisted that I get a job as soon as I was old enough to (around 14-15), and then as soon as I got a job, she became very controlling over my hours in the way that she essentially wanted me to work the bare minimum hours so that I could "focus on school". She still is this way to be honest, and she gets really mad when I accept an extra shift or two, even if its during the holidays when I don't have university work to do. She forced me to take time off for exams in year 12, and she also told me if I accept more shifts she'll call my boss and tell her to give me less hours because I should be focusing on uni. My boss did start giving me fewer shifts because she thought I was an unreliable worker because I was always forced by mum to say no to more work, even if I was available and had the time.

In saying all of this though, I completely understand about having the controlling mum when it comes to work. I'm glad that you have the support of your dad though because mine always just goes along with what mum says :/ I think it's important to make the best decisions for your future career now, so no matter what your mum says, I think you should do what's best for you. The tough part is just getting her to accept that it's your decision, not hers.

[Notwendy]

Mom may not ever get to where she fully accepts your choices.

As a parent, I try to give my children advice if it is needed - and thankfully they do ask me sometimes. Yet, they have career goals that I am not the best person to advise them with. They can ask their teachers or someone who is working in a career they are interested. Parents with PD's tend to see their children as extensions of themselves. Small children rely entirely on their parents' advice. A big step for all parents and children when their children go to college is to "let go" and realize their children will pursue their own interests and may ask others for advice. It's not easy for parents to do this- and probably harder for BPD parents.

I'm middle age and my BPD mother doesn't always like the decisions I make if they are different than what she wants. For me, I think I still need to treat her with respect as she is my mother, but that doesn't mean I do everything she wants me to do. She doesn't like it. I think as children of any age, we don't like upsetting or displeasing our parents,  but if we truly believe a decision is best for us, we can pursue it.  

In my BPD mother's era, most women were housewives. She didn't have a career. Yet, she feels she has the right to comment about her children's jobs, or the colleges my kids show interest in, who I should invite to a get together I am hosting- and even what to serve and several other things she has no experience with or isn't involved with. It isn't easy to tell her - "thank you mother but I will do it this way". For advice, I can ask someone who is experienced with what I need to know. We have to use our own judgement.

[Learning2Thrive]

I really want to quit TJMaxx to work this design job but I am scared and I don't even know how to tell them I want to stop working there

Well, assuming you would be providing a standard two week notice (or whatever is typical where you live) you might just honestly say that you appreciate the time you’ve had with them but an amazing career opportunity has presented itself and it would be foolish not to pursue it.

What happens if you do what you want? What do you think your mum may do? Will your father remain supportive?

Sending you positive energy and love,

L2T