My sister's rage terrifies me

[Blingty]

Hi this is my first post.

I've been living in fear of upsetting my sister since I can remember. She can be lovely, sweet, considerate and supportive, but there was always an edge. When she was younger, she is in her 40s now, her outbursts were more common, but they seemed to fall away after she got married. I think I suspected it was still there, sometimes there would be an edge to her voice or a flick of her eyes that would give me warning. I didn't realise how many things I subconsciously knew I couldn't say, or how often I wouldn't give my opinion or would go a long with plans that were unreasonable.

Now I know why. The was always there, below the surface and now it is back. My therapist believes she may have BPD and after reading 'stop walking on eggshells' I agree.

I live in a different country but still feel controlled and dominated by her texts and emails that can destroy days and weeks of my life.

My mother is sick (she may also have BPD/depression) and lives near my sister and I think the stress of this is what has brought everything to the surface.

The last time I went home, I did so to help, knowing somewhere inside that my sister was going to lose it at me like she hadn't done in years and I was right. The full show, the friendly teary apology, the chilling lets never talk about this.

Now I don't want to go home. I shake when I hear from her. I am cast as not caring about mum, but I can't go through a scene like that again. Ever. And I won't expose my kids to even the possibility of it. But what next. I have a sick mum who is old and decisions need to be made about her care and the future, but I can't communicate with my sister in a way that doesn't induce complete terror in me. She wants me to go back for another visit, bring the family and stay with her. When there is no way I can do that, and I don't feel I can tell her why.

It's a long post. I just feel so trapped by the pattern and don't want to be a part of it any more. I want the nice sister, but I now know I'm probably never going to have her.

[Harri]

Hi Blingty and welcome to the board.  

I am glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances with your sister and mother.  It is good that you are reaching out for help and support and talking about this rather than being quiet about what is going on for you.  Your situation is painful and confusing and I understand your fear.  I think most of the people here can relate so know you are in the right place.  We get it here.

I am sorry to hear about your mother's health.  That certainly does increase the stress level for everyone but if your sister has problems with regulating her emotions her BPDish behaviors are going to surface.  Unfortunately everything adds up and you have to deal with the stress and fear of all that.  So yes, things are coming to the surface for you.  That is difficult to say the least.

Again, I am glad you posted.  Often the first post is the hardest to make so it took a lot of courage for you to do so.  We are a group of people who get it and can band together to listen and support you.  :)on't underestimate the benefits of posting on a forum like this.  I can't tell you how much this place has helped me to gain perspective, learn tools and even heal emotionally.

I hope you stay and post more and even post in other people threads.  Building a sense of community here is important and can lead to some wonderful things.  

[Learning2Thrive]

Hello Blingty , I want to join Harri in welcoming you.

I too feel sorry for the distress you are experiencing due to your sister’s behaviors. I used to shake uncontrollably after a raging call from my uNPD mum. One time when I was in my mid 20’s she called my employer after hours and left a raging suicide treat. At that time I was living 2,000 miles away from her.   I really do understand your turmoil.

We have some great tools for managing commications. If you click on the TOOLS button in the green bar across the top of this page, you can find help on ending conflict, setting boundaries, FOG and Emotional Blackmail and more.

Please ask questions and let us know what area you want to address. We can help you brainstorm strategies to make your future less stressful.

Pleae take good care of yourself today. 

L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Blingty,

You've already received a warm welcome from Harri and Learning2Thrive, and I want to welcome you as well.

It is hard to walk through life when you are constantly on edge. It can cause us to feel so uncomfortable and have lots of guilt over things that we are not even guilty for. I think it's good that you are aware of your sister's 'turn,' https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde, the change from nice to mean. It can help you to notice when you might need to establish boundaries and limit your time with her.

 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

  Blingty,

It’s been a couple days since you first posted. How are you doing?

From what you’ve shared so far, you really fit well on this board so I hope you’ll consider updating us when you have a chance, if you want to. We’re here to listen and support you as you navigate troubled waters.

  L2T

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you. I have a BPD mom and two siblings with BPD traits. I too am afraid to go visit my elderly mother because of all the rage that will be projected onto me by my mother and my siblings. You are really a loving and courageous women, in that you have put your children first, and will not subject your children to being mistreated by certain relatives. You would still like to visit your elderly mother and can not bear the thought of staying at your sister's house. I am going next month to visit my elderly mother for the first time since the latest family blow out. I will be staying out of town, and visiting my mother about once a week, when one of her caretakers is present, because mom behaves better in the presence of non family members. You may want to visit with your mom when your sister is not there, if that is possible, and stay somewhere else besides your sister's house. I know you feel sad that you cannot do more for your elderly mom, and wish things could be different, and you dread any kind of confrontation with your sister. Know that you can set better boundaries with your sister and mother, that will make things easier in the long run, though it will take time. Do read the materials on this web site on boundaries and BPD families. There are many of us here who have family members with BPD, and have over time made things easier for ourselves by having stricter boundaries with our family members. Take care and keep us posted. We are here to listen and to help in any way we can.

[Pina colada]

I live in a different country but still feel controlled and dominated by her texts and emails that can destroy days and weeks of my life.


Think of you Blingty, I have a disordered sister as well.  My sister abused me my entire childhood and much of our adult life.  I think the "words" can be just as bad as any abuse.  It is emotional and affects whom we are.  I am NC with her and it is best for me.  I wish you the best.  We are here to support you!

[Blingty]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your kind words. This site is amazing. I have read around and the more I read the more I realise how much of my life has been consumed by this. It felt really empowering to write my first post. At the moment I am still getting my head around everything and learn how to start putting in place sensible boundaries.

While reading around the site, I realise too how much of this I am doing to myself. I live a long way to my family and should be in control of how I react to their behaviour. I don't think I had fully understood what that meant before. I can't believe I've spent years feeling guilty about feeling happy and doing things that make me happy, like exercising or working or even having nice days out with my children. If my mother or sister were unhappy or angry, I would cancel plans, not go running, not do anything fun as I felt fun would be disrespectful to their mood and anguish, as if somehow, me joining their misery would make them feel better in some way. It sounds crazy to write that! I am sure many of you have done similar things. I once didn't go and try out a pair of cross country skis because on skype my mother said she was miserable and that when she was my age she was miserable. I stayed home that and was miserable. Because why? Wow. I think I am going to be having a lot of 'aha' moments coming my way.


Today is a good week. Today I have chosen to do things that make me happy.

[Learning2Thrive]

While reading around the site, I realise too how much of this I am doing to myself.

  Blingty!

This really is an important part in the first steps toward healing. We didn’t cause their mental illness. We can’t control it. We can’t cure it. But we also don’t have to choose to play along with or into the drama.  CONGRATULATIONS! You are ahead of the curve.

I live a long way to my family and should be in control of how I react to their behaviour. I don't think I had fully understood what that meant before. I can't believe I've spent years feeling guilty about feeling happy and doing things that make me happy, like exercising or working or even having nice days out with my children. If my mother or sister were unhappy or angry, I would cancel plans, not go running, not do anything fun as I felt fun would be disrespectful to their mood and anguish, as if somehow, me joining their misery would make them feel better in some way. It sounds crazy to write that!

That’s FOG. Have you read this?
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

I am sure many of you have done similar things. I once didn't go and try out a pair of cross country skis because on skype my mother said she was miserable and that when she was my age she was miserable. I stayed home that and was miserable. Because why? Wow. I think I am going to be having a lot of 'aha' moments coming my way.

  YES! You do. And we’re here to listen and support you along your journey.

Today is a good week. Today I have chosen to do things that make me happy.

THIS! Yes! You choose. Your life is about YOU! There is no shame in that. You get to own your life free from obligation to your mother or sister.  They own theirs and the natural consequences of their choices and actions.

I hope you’ll stay active on the board and join in with more threads. You fit very well here. We are all at different stages of healing, but we’re all here to help each other. Your voice matters and your sharing help others who are reading but haven’t yet had the courage to reach out.


  L2T

[Harri]

Hi blingty and welcome back!

You have had a lot of insight.  As L2T said, the realization that you don't have to be a part of the drama anymore really is BIG. 

I also used to take on the emotions of my mother.  If she was upset, so was I.  I can also relate to feeling guilty that I was out enjoying myself while she was home miserable. According to her I was the cause and she was physically sick because of me.  "Harri, stress causes cancer and all sorts of illnesses"  In retrospect I find it interesting that all those years of staying the the house and sleeping she never went to a doctor.  Not once.    Separating emotionally is hard but so worth it.  You are well on your way to freedom!

As you explored the site, did you have any questions we can answer?

It is good to see you again!

[Woolspinner2000]

Blingty,

I want to join the others and say good job in discovery!  That's worth something special, like a movie or a new book or a foamy latte or... .if you need any more ideas of how to reward yourself, I am sure we can make more suggestions!  The light bulb moments are huge. You are on your way to healing! What will do for your kindness gift to yourself?

I often treat myself to a coffee drink after my T session. I've worked hard, and it is a reward for me that I look forward to. If I can, I also like to sit and journal my thoughts after all the mental work. It helps me to glean all the things we covered, and since I process through listening and writing notes, it's the best combination for me.

 
Wools

[Harri]

How is it going Blingty?  Just checking in to see how you are!  Give us an update when you can.