Eroding Trust: Struggling to understand his personality, he labels my reactions

[g.monitor]

      I am so happy to finally find some information that seems genuinely helpful. I feel I have been struggling to understand my husbands personality for the longest time, and i can identify many characteristics that suggest he many struggle with BPD. Recently he mentioned that  i have eroded value in the relationship, and undermine truth and loyalty in our relationship by telling lies. I have ponder over these things and discussed the "lies" I have told with him; to me it is clearly miscommunication however to him he seems to split and see either lie/truth and he cannot see misunderstanding as an option. I am reaching out because he is often very disengaged with me. He avoids me, says he is not interested in talking, and will not even sleep in the same bed. I can see he is hurt and would like an idea of how i can talk to him and gain his forgiveness and trust again. I have learned not to internalize his words but to see them as they are, just very hurt feelings he has difficulty expressing.

Thank you
G. M

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[Chosen]

Hi g.monitor 

I know how it feels being called a liar.  I get that a lot from my uBPDh too.  Unfortunately, a lot of times they cannot elaborate on this point coherently, as their belief is not based on facts, but feelings. ("What you're saying isn't what I expect you to say, therefore you must be lying to me.  You are a liar."  And also, sadly, the "facts" bit are built around his feelings, and they reinforce each other. 

Have you read the Lessons on the right?  I find it particularly useful to learn not to JADE.  I would try to say that many things are miscommunication, or that he has blown certain things out of proportion.  But that doesn't work, and will make things worse because the pwBPD feels invalidated.  We as nons sometimes get stuck in making them take back their words because it hurts so much to hear.  We deeply hope that they would admit they're sorry, or not mean what they say.  That's not going to happen (it has happened to some members on this board, but I've never heard a sorry from my uBPDh, and he's also not sorry at all for the things he has said/ done to me.  He would find a reason to justify each and every one of them).  We have to learn to disregard them and disengage.  We have to tell ourselves that the relationship is more important than being right.  It's deeply unfair to us, but I myself that "I'm stronger emotionally, so I have to be the more stable one, even though my uBPDh will not know it and will never appreciate it".  I regard it as helping him behind his back.  It helps me carry on from day to day.

Keep reading the lessons, learn the tools, and talk to us!

[WileyCoyote]

Hi g.monitor!

It is definitely something that I have had to deal with too.  Most frustrating is the high level of animosity over TINY misunderstandings.

To have getting home from a friend's house 15 minute later than I  said be called a lie is hard for a reasonable person to wrap their minds around.    Shoot... .if I was going to to lie about something it would be way more worth it than that. 

How long have you been married?  Has he always been like this, or can you think of some event that precipitated an increase in this behavior?