Our anniversary is coming - What to do with the silent treatment? Part two

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I will not want to send that while there is a money situation pending.
 

And... .I would not want to put "money" in front of the relationship.

Make it about the relationship... .and communications.  She knows you have needs... .you know it... .you are asking for input on how to handle the relationship in general.  It could be talking, money, taking walks.

Don't give money more power than it needs to have.

The relationship is more important than late fees... etc etc.  If you get close to the 15th of the month with no response, then... .I would advise you to send a different email, especially if you send this one with NO response.

That being said... .if money is more important to you than the relationship, perhaps let me know and we'll make a different email.

No judgment from me for either decision... .let me know.

Again... keep it in perspective... .let's keep "first things first". 

FF

[formflier]

I will not want to send that while there is a money situation pending.
 

And... .I would not want to put "money" in front of the relationship.

Make it about the relationship... .and communications.  She knows you have needs... .you know it... .you are asking for input on how to handle the relationship in general.  It could be talking, money, taking walks.

Don't give money more power than it needs to have.

The relationship is more important than late fees... etc etc.  If you get close to the 15th of the month with no response, then... .I would advise you to send a different email, especially if you send this one with NO response.

That being said... .if money is more important to you than the relationship, perhaps let me know and we'll make a different email.

No judgment from me for either decision... .let me know.

Again... keep it in perspective... .let's keep "first things first". 

FF

[Notwendy]

 I had a different impression from the situation. I didn't get the impression that money is the main motive for the relationship but survival-  food and shelter is an immediate concern, especially when there has been no communication from her in over a month. If she is not going to honor their agreement, then he needs to know to make other plans

Paying the rent isn't the only concern, but it is the most immediate concern and sending a " I miss you honey let's talk" when he needs to know "what will happen about the rent?" seems disingenuous. She's going to see right through that and feel it isn't sincere.

It is my own opinion, but I feel that direct communication- limited to one concern per e mail- is most genuine, not trying to sugar coat the fact that, if she isn't going to help him, he needs to know that. The e mail was not only a request for funds as agreed on, but also for information. it was- "these are the expenses and according to our agreement, I need to know if you are on board with this."

She has the choice to say yes or no, and also nothing, but nothing doesn't help with making a decision.

It's been a month now, and I imagine there are all kinds of concerns about the relationship in addition to the immediate needs for food and shelter, but I don't know if any of this can be worked out easily or quickly.

[formflier]

I can see that point of view... and I don't disagree with it.  If it was me... I'd do it a different way.  Again... .no experience on my side with this.

Here is my proposed flow.

1.  This reach out info.  Your "real" problem is not money... .it's communication in a relationship.  This email is not disingenuous... .in my opinion.

2.  If she responds... .connect a bit and then bring up business stuff.

3.  If she doesn't connect, then you will reach out with a "business only" communication.  Most likely a fedex or something that she will have to sign for (for this thing... I don't want any chance of "I didn't get it"

Just my thoughts.

FF

[braveSun]

Well, today August 4th and still no deposit, still ST. I had a potential roommate come visit, and she ended up not taking the room, said it was above her budget. I did offered her to give her a break in her rent share for a few months, while utility bills are higher. She still could not undertake it.

By Tuesday the next step will be that we both (my spouse and I) will receive a non-payment notice. The $100 late fee is now posted on our charges. So far I have been going through a wide range of emotions from being calm and collected, to nausea about what will happen next to me if I am being evicted, to deep discouragement and sadness, to flatness of emotions, fear again, frustrations that I am running very low on food and no money left, anger, to not much more interest in doing any of this further if nothing better than that happens.

Today I succeeded in disconnecting a bit from all that commotion, decided to just go out and play. Not sure what I want to do next yet, I have decided to not rush into anything, as I will need to know what to expect before making my future plans. Since there will be consequences to her not supporting me now, I expect there will be some form of communication soon. Until than I am going to take care of myself the best I can.

Notwendy you have touched a nerve, this is about survival issues. I don't think I can continue a relationship if I am forced into a poverty type of lifestyle. I do not want to continue living under these conditions. This is not what marriage is supposed to be like. I understand that now I might have to move into some form of survival mode temporarily. This could be necessary because:

a) My spouse did not make any financial plans to support me until I get a decent job. She only tried to help the best she could out of the seat of her pants and blamed me for causing her all this stress month to month. Since she has to make her own experiences in order to really get the way things are for me at this time of my life, it could take us some re-adjustment time where I'll accept a survival job, and she will re-arrange her plans to include proper time for me to meet my objectives while remaining in the relationship. Or,

b) My spouse did have some broad picture plans to support me, but she was not prepared for the time frame I needed to get a decent job. And now she's learning that what she had in mind was not sufficient, thus will need to come back with a different plan, and a different approach regarding her support. I'll have to accept a survival job until we can find our new ways. Or,

c) My spouse had/has no intentions whatsoever to support me in finding a decent job. Her plans for me were/are now substandard, and as a result of me discovering this, I have to part my way. In this case I will need to provide for myself the best I can, and I don't expect to find good paying jobs for a while. But than I prefer to not have to continue being in contact with her. 

In the light of all that I have learned on these boards, along with the recent events, I am suspending all my plans for the moment. Simply this roller coaster is getting too much. Either things go back to normal in a couple of days, we will resume communication, and develop a new plan where I will not be subject to be thrown in the streets, or I will have to part my ways.

[braveSun]

FF, I like your communication flow. Still hoping I will not need to go Fedex or the likes. However, I do believe that this problem is more than communication. It's about mood dysregulation and money.

At least from my spouse's point of view it has been about her being upset that she has to share her money with me. Because she has expressed having a very low opinion of me, with this ST, I am challenged hard to not remember the harsh things she said. I clearly have the overvalue-devalue-discard process in my mind.

It's interesting because I also keep thinking that we both would have benefited in using a NC period to reflect more on our situation. ST seems to me more like a reactionary thing on her part. Considering the negative thinking she is struggling with. I am not sure of the discard, since I don't know to which extend her traits are going to play out. I kind of see this process more like a coping mechanism at this point, less like a way to destroy the relationship in order to get a new supply. 

There has been micro- emotional infidelity and triangulation with various people. More like some sort of boundary violations as a result of enmeshment with others at times. I don't think she's going to replace me with a new person.

There has been a progression of her alienating people around her. I am in contact with only one of her friends now, compared to having enjoyed a good connection with five of them in the past. Two of these five friends she has alienated the relationship. I have seen her becoming more and more intolerant of their  idiosyncrasies. Both I liked them, so as a result, I felt sad about it. Same thing with one of her cousins, who was very nice to us in the past. She has stopped talking to her for years now. With the three other ones she is still close to them, but two are not in good terms with me now. It's very sad.

I was also in much better terms with the one who is now living with her PT. I don't even remember her having disrespected me in the past. Now she has. But we were not having to live under the same roof before.

About the triangulation. My spouse has developed new friendships in the last few years. I have been very uncomfortable with at least one of the intense new friends.  Even with the new people in her life I did get along well with, I am not feeling like I am in a strong position. Some are friends of hers, but with strings attached. Like one is a tenant of hers, another is her massage therapist, who comes hang out at the house once in a while. Mrs Brave does have a way to blur these boundaries, than 'forget the strings attached'. She also can cut people off her life with a kind of ease I find perplexing. Now that I live in the city apart from her, I feel I am losing the regular contact with those people who were more, say neutral in the face of conflicts. People who cannot vouch for me confidently if they don't know me enough. I simply am not there, living with her right now. If she gangs up against me, there is not much I can do. 

I didn't enter this marriage thinking that I was going to live under poverty, nor that my spouse was going to push me around nor reject me. With this particular turn of events I have reached some kind of threshold. I know she lives comfortably, did so for as long as I have known her. I only see now that her paranoid condition can have quite of a difficult impact on me. I have walked in fear for a long time now. I will never be able to squelch the inner desire that she would put herself in my shoes at times. I have certainly seen her being empathic to me before, most likely when my pain was not caused by her actions.  Here she seems to not be able to. My decision to find a job is now more about finding my own way out of the unstable situation. If I cannot find a long term roommate, and in particular if I cannot feel confident signing a long term roommate agreement because I don't know for sure that I can afford to pay for my share of the rent (depends on the combo job-financial support), or that I could, but would have to live on the wire just to afford my half of the apartment, than it's just not worth it.

The apartment is something I have undertaken with  my spouse. I was not having all the details in my mind at the time, but I sincerely thought she was going to want to keep it for us, and she was going to make appropriate plans to help me while I was going to work on getting roommate and job. If she defects, I will need to go for a totally different plan. For me to move into someone else's apartment, that would mean we as a couple are needing to give up the possibility of our second home in the city. That changes things a lot in our outlook into the future. And, to be honest, considering the rejection (ST) I have experienced so far, that would leave me to live in the city on my own. It's a lot more painful than I thought this could be.

Now. I know communication tools can help with some of the conflicts, or reduce their intensity. I still will have to see my way with a new, better, more adjusted plan, with her. Not solo. I came to this country to join her. I married her. If I didn't want to live with her I didn't need to come here.

[Harri]

This thread has been locked due to reaching the post limit.  If you wish to continue the discussion, please start part 2.