Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 13, 2021, 12:32:44 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: With Peace Of Mind Comes Terrible Loneliness  (Read 310 times)
RomanticFool
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1076


« on: July 30, 2018, 03:24:29 PM »

The drama is now over. Despite a conversation last Wednesday with my ex in which I said everything I wanted to say regarding the history of our r/s - and got very little in response other than finger pointing. There was no apology for cutting me off FB, there was alot of projection of her character defects onto me and I was accused of only wanting her when I'm not working, using her for validation and being told that I had no reason to feel upset. Of course she was really voicing her own behaviour.

I have learnt alot on these boards. I could have done alot differently with my ex and possibly still had a r/s with her now. All I had to do was subjugate my pride, deny all of my emotional needs and focus only on her desires and needs. I think that is called codependency. I did it for a long time. I made her my Goddess to be worshipped (via text) whenever she needed an ego boost (possibly after a hard day's work or argument with her husband).

Trouble is the devaluing stage happened some time ago and we could never have got back that wonderful magic of the days when she felt something similar to me. That is all gone now. Despite her turning her back on me several times (one time for a year) and taking me to the depths of despair through ST, she demanded that I should always be there to support her when she needed it. I decided 18 months ago, when she told me she could no longer see me because her husband had discovered our affair, that it was all over. I didn't believe that her husband had discovered anything and I refused to agree to be friends if I couldn't see her. I think that was the right decision for me. However, not long after that she told me that she tried to kill herself and I decided to support her. We became as friendly with each other as a toxic r/s could become.

Inevitably she visited ST on me again 5 weeks ago and it was the last straw. The cumulative emotional effects of getting mauled by a BPD was too much and I decided that I would make no effort to rescue the r/s. So when she contacted me again last week, rather than go back to the normal abuse amnesia, I stuck to my boundaries and held her accountable for her actions. That is the last we spoke. She may or may not contact me again but I have decided that I cannot go back to the emotional hell of being in an affair (and devalued) with this disordered mind.

Trouble is I still love her. I still think of her every minute of every day. I crave her company and her words. This woman has had such a profound hold over me that detaching is like amputating my heart. Some days I almost cannot bear the pain. However, she could have responded to my final message at any point this week. I didn't tell her not to contact me. But I did tell her that she needs to stop focussing on my behaviour and pay attention to her own. That her inability to take any kind of responsibility at all for this r/s going wrong is consistent with a personality disorder. I took my share of the blame and I told her that I am working on my anger, my jealousy and my own deflection of responsibility. I told her that if she wants to remain in contact with me that she needs to apologise for cutting me off FB for no reason. Of course I know that she will never apologise. Of course I know that she thinks I am an amateur psychologist trying to diagnose her with a personality disorder. Of course I know that she can never accept any kind of responsibility for anything because the emotional pain will be too much to bear. But I am done having a r/s with somebody who behaves like a selfish teenager. I am done pouring out my heart over reams of text and getting one line replies. I am done accepting abusive behaviour in the form of ST. I am done feeling as if I am the unreasonable party and she is the poor waif victim being bullied by her unreasonable lover. I am done having an affair and cheating on my wife with somebody who doesn't give a fig for my emotional trauma. I am done being caught in the web of this femme fatale. I will always love her but she is disordered and disinterested in anything but her own needs... .

... .And yet I feel so terribly lonely without her... .

RF
Logged

Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10311



WWW
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2018, 09:22:53 PM »

Hi RomanticFool,

Excerpt
But I am done having a r/s with somebody who behaves like a selfish teenager. I am done pouring out my heart over reams of text and getting one line replies. I am done accepting abusive behaviour in the form of ST. I am done feeling as if I am the unreasonable party and she is the poor waif victim being bullied by her unreasonable lover. I am done having an affair and cheating on my wife with somebody who doesn't give a fig for my emotional trauma. I am done being caught in the web of this femme fatale. I will always love her but she is disordered and disinterested in anything but her own needs... .

I think that you should focus on this segment here and don’t worry about her and her inability to self reflect, own your side and know that you can’t control the other side.

It’s a hard decision you said that it feel like losing your heart, unless treats her mental illness she’s not going to change I saw my ex toda in court and she’s the same emotionally immature woman I met 13 years ago. You need more behind you RomanticFool focus on you and take really good care of yourself.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
RomanticFool
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1076


« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2018, 04:27:19 PM »

Hi Mutt,

Excerpt
It’s a hard decision, you said that it feels like losing your heart, unless she treats her mental illness, she’s not going to change. I saw my ex today in court and she’s the same emotionally immature woman I met 13 years ago. You need more behind you RomanticFool, focus on you and take really good care of yourself.

This is the best advice you could ever give anybody embroiled with a pwBPD. It is so clear to me now that she could not give a fig for my pouring my heart out. She is bored and angered by it. I think with the way she is behaving it is very likely that she has either met somebody else or expected me to jump right back into telling her how beautiful and intelligent she is.

I actually told her how much I care about her but that her behaviour has outraged and saddened me. Along with telling her that a refusal to take responsibility for her actions is consistent with BPD, she is unlikely to talk to me again in a hurry. I wrote her a closure message today, refuting every belief she has in her head about why I'm not talking to her and also underlining the commitment I made to her and how much her behaviour has impacted on me.

She won't take any of it on board but it makes me feel good to have told her in a calm and precise manner that I am not accepting her abuse, however much she deflects, blames and obfuscates. Now that she knows I can see her behaviour for what it is, I don't expect she will talk to me any time soon. If and when she finally does decide to recycle me, as I'm sure she will, I would like to be strong enough for it not to affect me as profoundly as it has (and continues to do) and that I can tell her in exactly the same manner that treating me the way she has done is not acceptable.

There is no way in hell she will ever recognise her dysfunction, let alone do anything about it. If she does come back it will most likely be in a moment of crisis or one of her other supplies has had the same reaction as me.
Logged

Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10311



WWW
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2018, 08:54:51 PM »

Hi RomanticFool,

Excerpt
Along with telling her that a refusal to take responsibility for her actions is consistent with BPD,

As time goes on in these r/s’s and there’s hardened pattern where your owBPD blames you for everything it’s frustrating. I’m not judging on telling her about a BPD trait I’m wondering you told her that? Is there a part of you that wants her to get help? You mentioned that you might find it hard to resist if she tried to recycle you when you’re not completely healed. Would you take her back if she treated her BPD?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
RomanticFool
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1076


« Reply #4 on: August 01, 2018, 05:51:35 AM »

Excerpt
As time goes on in these r/s’s and there’s hardened pattern where your owBPD blames you for everything it’s frustrating. I’m not judging on telling her about a BPD trait I’m wondering you told her that? Is there a part of you that wants her to get help? You mentioned that you might find it hard to resist if she tried to recycle you when you’re not completely healed. Would you take her back if she treated her BPD?

I would love her to get help as it would make her life easier, but she won't. I also think my situation has always been far worse than I imagined because she has been married all along with no intention of ever making a commitment to me. Whatever she decides to do about her mental health, I don't think it would have any impact on me as it is her husband that she loves and not me.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!