I think I am going to give myself a deadline.  I am think for January or May of next year.  That time I am going to do a serious reevaluation of my marriage.

Today I went to a church food bank.  I am worried that we will run out of food before he gets paid.  I had gone a couple times before.  He doesn't like the food banks, makes him feel poor, etc. That I went behind his back after he told me not to do it.  That if I went behind his back for this, I didn't use my head, didn't think that it would "offend" him so that means I would take a di** behind his back.

That disagreement turned into me trying to offend him, me disrespecting his God's, acting like they are a joke, how he's going to stop worrying about not offending me.  How he wishes now that he would of $crewed that woman while I was at my parents.  How he keeps turning down all these women because it would "offend" his wife and maybe he won't turn them down anymore.  How his God's will give him 20 more women, but he can't get anymore God's.

This infuriates me so much.  He says all this to hurt me, make a point, keep me in line, makes sure I don't do it again because he will cheat on me.  Again.  His bruised ego, his own self loathing, his own insecurities.

In the past week, he has accussed  me more than once of cheating, screamed at me for telling the truth because he wanted me to lie instead, had that huge meltdown yesterday, said he was going to blow his head off.  Counseling is helping, but I am really wondering if this will ever be okay.

This is something that keeps plaguing my mind.  I do see improvement.  A big concern I keep having is maybe it is too late.  Maybe I really don't love him anymore and just haven't given my heart and head time to come to an agreement.

He has a nuclear meltdown about saving money.  I knew he would have a meltdown about me not budgeting well enough with meals and groceries.  He had a meltdown about how every time he saves money, we find a way to spend it.  I did it to save money.  It was going to be a fight either way.

I told a friend today of just a couple of the things he said and she said that's crazy.  She told her ex bf if he ever tried to pull stuff like this, she was gone. He ended up breaking up with her though.  I know in our entire relationship, not once did I ever say anything about leaving him for someone else, being with another man.  His insecurities are probably going to play a big part in my decision.  I couldn't even go to the grocery store (with our toddler) without him throwing out I must be banging someone.  That's how pathetic it is.

I just see he puts on the facade for everyone else.  His coworkers and these women who he thinks want to bang him left and right.  While I am left cleaning up his emotional word vomit he spits almost every day.

Not doing well today.  Part of me wants to leave the house in it's current utter disarray.  Then when he comes home and says something, then say to him... why don't you have one of girlfriends come clean up since they want to be with you.  That is the really vindictive part of me.

I know that would be instigating the next nuclear meltdown and I would end up being the one that is the bad guy in his eyes.  And to reference before... this will do no good.

The kids haven't let me relax at all today.  I am still upset and thinking I will probably still be when he comes home tonight.  There is probably a lot I could do to pull myself out of my current mood, but it's almost as if I don't really want to.

I feel justified in feeling like he insulted me again.  Him trying to equal me screwing somebody else with "offending" him by going to a church food bank for help.  And then adding how he will offend me by actually screwing someone.  He may never cheat and this may be his way of feeling better by idle threats, but it doesn't make it right what he is doing.

Hi Frankee,

I am sad to say some of this sounds familiar to me! I had an earful recently about some man that looked at me, what, two or three years ago at a buffet while on holiday in another country. Yep.

The guy was there sitting right next to his wife, and my SO was sitting next to this man. My SO didn't say or do anything, if he was so offended, nope. All the bricks come down on my head. It's about how, in his twisted thoughts, that I look at men. All men apparently. He has a distorted, insanely jealous world view. He is utterly convinced I did something that day, right in front of him and the other guy's wife. Right.

I explained I was pretty focused on the food and him. I have stronger memories of the really nice bathroom at the restaurant than what this person looked like. I tune out a lot, but if this guy had looked me like I was an item in the buffet I probably would have noticed. He didn't.

At my best moments I don't JADE. It is a drag though. I have never been with such an insecure, jealous man.  It takes a lot of patience and balance, but I'd suggest you not engage when he is out of control. I know how hard this is. Believe me! My SO made it so I could not talk to him or not talk to him this past week and it led to a very bad scene. One that may, in the long run, end this relationship.

My SO has been threatening suicide a lot in the last months and this week too. It is a powerful threat I'm learning. I'm seeing it is one thing to experiment with approaches to other problems, but this one... .this one is new for me and not at all easy to come to terms with. I've tried a few things, but... .like I say, it is a powerful threat.

What do you do to manage when you are getting this barrage of insults and accusations?

take care, pearl.

Frankee,

I know you are venting some... .it's good to vent and get it out.  I also hope you are listening to feedback of people who are watching your story...

As you may recall... .the infidelity thing (and other family thing... and love child thing... etc etc) used to be big in my r/s.

At the heart of that... .was "invalidation".  Now... for me... I would thoughtfully "prove" the theories wrong.

Which "fed the monster" by invalidating...

Then... .there was a period where I was more like you... .kinda stewing about it... resenting it... and staying away from it.

Then during some joint counseling I really focused on actively caring for my wife "in the way she wants to be cared for" (love languages) and just by happenstance... .my wife sent me pornography in email... .asking my thoughts on how she looked.

(yeah... it happened)  I actually think my wife was feeling "inferior" and was fishing around dysfunctionally for some honest feedback.  Our Marriage Counselor was female.

We happened to have a session soon after... .and I monologued the entire session... demanding the "woman thing" end.  How could it be that you think I'm looking at all these women, yet you send them to me when I've said I don't want it.

MC was mortified.

My wife was mortified.

I wouldn't stop... .didn't stop... .until I said I wouldn't ever deal with accusations again because of this.  Both women seemed visibly relieved.

And... really... .they've never come back. 

Back to your story.

There has to be a combination of feeding the monster and invalidation here.  Hard as it will be... don't get drawn in.  You solving it on your end will provide a pathway for him to solve it on his.  Once it stops working for him.

Sucks that is on your shoulder.

FF

So... I see two paths.

Stick with listening to this and have a recorder app on your phone.  Pass those along to his T and let them "remember" them in T and perhaps they can figure out why he can't remember.

I honestly believe he doesn't remember.  More likely when he is calm enough to talk about it, he remembers things differently.

When he is worked up, might be worth seeing what he remembers (and be ready to exit)

My wife doesn't remember lots of stuff either.  I now twist that on her to exit circular conversations.

You've got to tell me about  (fill in blank)

me:  Please reflect back what you remember from our recent conversations on that.

her:  I don't remember

me:  Oh... .well... .I'm ready to talk more once you let me know what you remember.

her:  Just tell me again because I don't remember.

me:  Help me understand the point of talking if you don't remember... ?  (bingo... got her)


The other pathway is for you to be blissfully ignorant of his rants.  Perhaps you have a rule that says  you exit after 10 seconds.

Sure... he'll be ticked.  But guess what... give it a couple days and he won't remember... .and neither will you!

FF

BPD and PTSD share a lot of similar behavioral characteristics. That's great news that he's going to be receiving free counseling.    He sounds like he's tried to cope by becoming a tough guy to hide the wounded child within.

This certainly gives you a measure of hope that things will be changing for the better. It sounds like he's found a really good situation with that counselor. She undoubtedly understands the type of trauma he endured.

Hey that's wonderful, Frankee   He had awareness of your feelings without being prompted. 

Things like that certainly make him more of an attractive partner, don't they? And as a bonus you got to meet the woman whose motives you weren't sure of previously and found out that she's a nice person.

Could it be that you're already seeing some positive changes from him being in counseling?

I am not sure that it is relevant anymore.  Honestly, he can eat those brownie points.

He is in a bad/miserable mood.  Went off on me yesterday morning.  Even tried that stupid hug thing.  He literally jumped on the bed and bounced over the other side to get away.  Then he literally pushed me off of him and said maybe he wants to be mad.  Sprinkled throughout the day, he was making snide comments.  We were with out friends so it was hard to talk to him.

Last night, he started in with the adoption of the oldest.  I tried talking to him, put my arms around him, eventually grabbed him and held him telling him he was important blah blah.  Turned into a huge fight because I didn't have the answers he wanted, wasn't responding how he wanted, he had it set that I didn't care, it wasn't important.  I didn't use the safe word.  I was too emotionally upset to think straight.

Ended with him blaming me for not caring enough, allowing him to leave after the fight, not stopping him, crying like a little bit**, sabotaging him (because I love to do that), and not caring enough to "fix" or "put and end" to the fight.

With as deregulated as he became, I did my best.  I know I should had done the safe word.  I told him I did not deserve to be treated or talked to that way.  He is just so excited to talk to the counselor about all of this.  Bet he wants validation he's in the right.

It's easy to feel disappointed after they've done something particularly nice. We hope that that awareness will continue, and when it's back to square one with bad behavior, it feels even more discouraging, because we've had a taste of how wonderful they can be and wish that they could do that on a regular basis.

And you can see his "hug therapy" isn't useful when he's dysregulating.

I'm sorry that he blamed you for not responding the way he's hoped about adopting your oldest son.    Certainly behaving the way he did is not going to persuade you that he's a reliable father figure.

Progress is good.    These patterns don't change overnight.

Of course you come here to vent and that's much better than doing that in your relationship. One of the biggest challenges I've dealt with has been my own resentment. Like so many people here, I totally fell in love with the prince. But then I discovered I was living with the goblin more often than not. I was really angry because, I'd been in this situation before, and I'd never signed up to be married to a goblin, and the prince was nowhere to be found.

It's good that you can safely express yourself in counseling. We all need an outlet where we can totally be ourselves and not hold back. As you know, it's difficult when our partner can be overly sensitive about criticism.

Counseling can teach him that he's stronger than he thinks, so he doesn't need to react in the ways he has previously. 

I feel I am guilty of oozing resentment currently.  I definitely didn't sign up for everything I have gone through.  Definitely not my idea of the kind of relationship I would end up in. 

I had a dose of his improvement this morning where I was the one left holding the $hit stick.  He asked about the adoption thing.  I had gone up to the courts and didn't really get the answers I wanted because of some stupidity conference and they were gone.

He was starting to get upset.  I went into this whole explanation or what I was told, because to me... telling him this would help.  Which looking back was really a lack of awareness on my part.  He got upset and said, why can't you just say, I understand why you are upset, they are a bunch of a$$holes, everything will be okay.  It wasn't even being asked to read his mind, he was simply asking to see he was clearly upset and I just needed to be on his side.

I'm not even mad at him.  I actually feel bad that he was blatantly showing me he was trying to regulate and I was being insensitive and wasn't showing him back that I too could reassure him.

You are right cat.  I get so frustrated and angry when he gets mean and asks/comments like what is wrong with you?  You don't use your head.  What's wrong with your brain?  You aren't making any sense.  I know I am very smart and for a long time I thought he was right.  Turns out I just didn't know "BPDese".

Even today.  He asked about our trailer for our boat.  I told him what was going on.  I don't see it as hopeless.  I see it as, well that didn't work... try something else.  It don't see it as impossible, I see it as just have to make some more phone calls.  To him, he's going to suck on car exhaust, I didn't have the answers he wanted, it was impossible, telling me my "rich" parents are going to cough up money, he married into a family with money but there is no family and they are $hitty parents.  Oh and I lie about small stupid stuff, but I won't lie to make him feel better about the important stuff.

There is so much going on right now.  I have this weight I am carrying because I know he is incapable of hearing this bad news right now.  He is talking about ending it because I am having trouble figuring out how to register a trailer. He puts on a strong/tough persona, but I have seen that I literally have to start to think really hard about when/how/if to deliver bad news.  Catch 22.  He finds out I "omitted" certain details, he gets mad.

I try, but when I don't "deliver" what he wants to hear, I am just unreliable, he has no confidence, etc.  He's exhausting.  From day to day, I don't know who I will be dealing with.