Bringing wife and parents together - a mine field

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think my wife has a mild case of BPD.  We used to vacation with my parents and sister and her family, but that went bad fairly quickly.  My wife would take great offense at relatively minor slights, and then act like she does with me - demanding her upset is understood and acknowledged, getting really upset if I tried to put the offenses in perspective, etc. 

My parents picked up on this dynamic - how tense she (and eventually I ) was while we were on vacations, and my mother especially blamed my wife for it.  And stopped supporting me in my relationship.  And started gossiping in our small home town about it. 

this last behavior is what I really object to.  For a lot of reasons, I love my wife's Dr. Jekyll side.  She is a amazing person when she is not taking out her bad feelings on me, and a really thoughtful and kind person, a great mother to our kids.  So, I don't appreciate my mother running her down to people in our home town.  Behind my back. 

I told my mother this and tried to start a dialog with her about it, but she basically cut off communication with me.  She says "if we can get beyond the idea that we need to “fix” something or that a concession must be made to someone’s rules of conduct in order to make that (more open communication) happen."   

This has caused a split - I haven't really talked with or seen my parents for 4 years, and I'm dreading what happens if there is a funeral or something else that I have to go back to my home town for.  I can see no good way forward to bring them all together (my wife feels like she is the very definition of tolerance  - she has, in fact, been encouraging me to get back together with them). 

I want to tell my parents that my wife has these behaviors, she can't help it, and I've decided that my marriage is more important than these behaviors where she is so hard on me.  But I don't really want to tell them that, because they are likely to misunderstand or start more rumors about her/us. 

For now, i've decided to just stick with my marriage.  But it makes me feel isolated, with a lot less support, and also I want to be supportive of my parents when they need it too. 

I just can't figure out how to solve this dilemma.  Does it sound familiar?  What have people here done in similar circumstances? 

[professorplum]

I think my wife has a mild case of BPD.  We used to vacation with my parents and sister and her family, but that went bad fairly quickly.  My wife would take great offense at relatively minor slights, and then act like she does with me - demanding her upset is understood and acknowledged, getting really upset if I tried to put the offenses in perspective, etc. 

My parents picked up on this dynamic - how tense she (and eventually I ) was while we were on vacations, and my mother especially blamed my wife for it.  And stopped supporting me in my relationship.  And started gossiping in our small home town about it. 

this last behavior is what I really object to.  For a lot of reasons, I love my wife's Dr. Jekyll side.  She is a amazing person when she is not taking out her bad feelings on me, and a really thoughtful and kind person, a great mother to our kids.  So, I don't appreciate my mother running her down to people in our home town.  Behind my back. 

I told my mother this and tried to start a dialog with her about it, but she basically cut off communication with me.  She says "if we can get beyond the idea that we need to “fix” something or that a concession must be made to someone’s rules of conduct in order to make that (more open communication) happen."   

This has caused a split - I haven't really talked with or seen my parents for 4 years, and I'm dreading what happens if there is a funeral or something else that I have to go back to my home town for.  I can see no good way forward to bring them all together (my wife feels like she is the very definition of tolerance  - she has, in fact, been encouraging me to get back together with them). 

I want to tell my parents that my wife has these behaviors, she can't help it, and I've decided that my marriage is more important than these behaviors where she is so hard on me.  But I don't really want to tell them that, because they are likely to misunderstand or start more rumors about her/us. 

For now, i've decided to just stick with my marriage.  But it makes me feel isolated, with a lot less support, and also I want to be supportive of my parents when they need it too. 

I just can't figure out how to solve this dilemma.  Does it sound familiar?  What have people here done in similar circumstances? 

[Woodchuck]

professorplum-
I really feel your pain!  I had a strained relationship with my parents when my wife and I met.  That strain actually bonded my wife and I.  I won't go into all the details as that will get very long winded but the long and short of it she has had an issue with my parents 19 years.  She holds any perceived slight against them.  One minor example would be them picking us up from the airport when our son was 6 months old or so and taking us out for lunch.  That was very nice of them, right?  Wrong... .According to her, they took us to the loudest restaurant they could and were not considerate at all of having a sleeping baby etc.  There was nothing intentional there at all but she still holds a grudge 13 years later.  There are many other similar examples and it is extremely frustrating to constantly deal with.  I reconciled with my parents about 15 years ago and have had a great relationship with them since.  They have been very supportive and have been aware of some of the issues that my wife and I have had.  I cannot imagine my parents refusing to talk to me until I 'fixed' things when there is not really much that can be 'fixed'.  I hope you will find the community here a good source of support as I have.  It has definitely been helpful for me.  I have decided to stick with my marriage but at this point I am really on the fence as to what is best for everyone.  I am hoping I can find peace about which way I should go in the near future.  Keep you head up and keep trying.  Make sure you take time to take care of yourself as well!

Woodchuck

[Cat Familiar]

I've seen the taking "great offense at relatively minor slights" or no intentional slight at all, with my husband when he's around his sisters and their families.

Parents don't live forever, so I would encourage you to reconnect with yours sooner, rather than later, when there might be something that necessitates a reunion.

Maybe you don't bring your wife together with them and connect with your parents on your own. You've mentioned that she's encouraged you to do so anyway.

Perhaps you don't even need to talk with them about her, other than in vague terms. Most people have no clue about personality disorders and it gets complicated when you try to explain it to your family.

[professorplum]

Keep you head up and keep trying.  Make sure you take time to take care of yourself as well!

Woodchuck

Thanks Woodchuck.  There are a lot of offenses that both sides have been cataloging for years.  I just don't know how I can make that situation better.  This message board is definitely a great place, just for the education resources, not to mention the community.  Thanks for your story - it makes me feel less alone. 

[professorplum]

Parents don't live forever, so I would encourage you to reconnect with yours sooner, rather than later, when there might be something that necessitates a reunion.

Thank you Cat - I think that is the way I have to handle this.  But there will be/would have to be so much secrecy around all of it.  I couldn't really share my communication with my parents with my wife (and she will grill me about it), and I couldn't really tell my parents what was going on (except in vague ways, as you mention). 

This is such a weird situation.  It's like I have this big secret, that I wish weren't true, and that I can't tell anyone else about.