documenting abuse for divorce

[WantToBeFree]

I have a quick question.  I am beginning the proceedings for divorce, and so far it seems as though my stb ex plans to either deny the abuse, or at least downplay it a lot because he asked me "where's the proof", all cocky like.

But he is right, I don't have much proof, it's greatly my word against his.  I do not have doctor reports or police reports.  I was always too afraid and ashamed to call the police.  The only physical injuries he caused was years ago he came up behind me and grabbed me and I fell down because the movement triggered my herniated discs which were causing me a lot of pain at the time.  I could barely move and he ended up taking me to the hospital but I told them it happened when he came up behind me and hugged me.

I had a bruise on my arm once from him punching my arm over and over, but I deleted the pic I took of it when things were going good... .his mom did see it and that's when I told her that he did it, but I don't think she is my biggest ally right now at all.  He has hurt me plenty, but they have just been aches and pain, feeling the bruise but it not showing as bruised... .no actual injuries to be documented and I do not bruise easily.

I gave my lawyers pictures of holes in the walls around our house that he has made when angry, there are at least 5 of them.  But that's about all the documentation I have. 

Do therapists ever get involved to attest to the abuse, perhaps by writing a letter?  My stb ex admitted to our therapist that he was abusive to me, so while my h could still deny it, my therapist would at least be giving facts of hearing it straight from the horse's mouth, and not just from me.  I will ask him when I see him next, but that's not for a few more weeks so I was just curious.

[ForeverDad]

I think there are two relevant aspects here, how you are impacted and then how your D4, soon to be school age, is impacted.  In court, how the children are affected gets a little extra reaction from the professionals.

My son was 3 years old when I twice called CPS and reported my ex was ranting and raging.  The ladies both asked, Is she directing it at the child?  I said, No but he's right there in the room, cringing and trying to hide.  The reply, We can't do anything (exposure) but call back if she rages (directed) at the child.  On the second call the lady said her mother faced a similar situation and divorce was her remedy.  (A few months later we did separate and then divorce.)

So one valid concern is how much conflict is your D4 exposed to and, more importantly, is she ever a Target of his anger?  If you can demonstrate anger issues (at the least I'm thinking of the photos of holes in the walls) then you can seek for Anger Management orders for him.  Whether that will help, who knows?  But at least having Anger Management in his legal history may be helpful for later DV efforts and also custody and parenting issues.

Getting back to you... .Courts are usually less concerned with older incidents.  My court stopped me from recounting incidents when I got to ones older than 6 months before the case started.  This isn't to say you can't relate older incidents (probably considered legally 'stale' but you may be able to recount them to establish a pattern of behaviors over time.

Damaging property in some places can be considered DV or Threat of DV.  Seek legal advice to learn how that is considered in your state and local court.  He may claim, All I did was put my fist through walls.  Your position can be, When he did that it was when he was raging, it intimidated me and made me fearful he could do that to me next. 

One final bit of advice.  If you report these incidents, be aware that his lawyer will look out for only his client's interests, not yours and not the child's.  So don't be surprised that his lawyer will try to corner you into saying that at any time you're not afraid.  You see, if the lawyer can get that out of you then the L can turn to the judge and say, "She's not consistent, she can't be afraid sometimes and not other times.  I move the case be dismissed."  Therefore, you have to be consistent.  Even if you're not in immediate fear, you need to be consistent saying you're always fearful at some level because you don't when the next rage might occur.  Do you understand?

And beware of feelings that can be used against you.  You may have feelings to lessen his exposure in court and be reluctant to tell all.  Or you may feel you should soften your reports so he doesn't lose his security clearance, job, lose public face or whatever.  Reality check.  That's his problem.  He's an adult, let him face his consequences, whatever they may be potentially.  Abuse is wrong, if you hide it or weaken your testimony, you could end up enabling him.

[WantToBeFree]

So one valid concern is how much conflict is your D4 exposed to and, more importantly, is she ever a Target of his anger?  If you can demonstrate anger issues (at the least I'm thinking of the photos of holes in the walls) then you can seek for Anger Management orders for him.  Whether that will help, who knows?  But at least having Anger Management in his legal history may be helpful for later DV efforts and also custody and parenting issues.

Getting back to you... .Courts are usually less concerned with older incidents.  My court stopped me from recounting incidents when I got to ones older than 6 months before the case started. 

One final bit of advice.  If you report these incidents, be aware that his lawyer will look out for only his client's interests, not yours and not the child's.  So don't be surprised that his lawyer will try to corner you into saying that at any time you're not afraid.  You see, if the lawyer can get that out of you then the L can turn to the judge and say, "She's not consistent, she can't be afraid sometimes and not other times.  I move the case be dismissed."  Therefore, you have to be consistent.  Even if you're not in immediate fear, you need to be consistent saying you're always fearful at some level because you don't when the next rage might occur.  Do you understand?

Thank you, lots of good advice to think about.  D4 has been witness to many of his rages and yelling at me, intimidating me and calling me horrible names.  Thankfully he has not been physically abusive to me in a year and a half (while trying to keep me from leaving) but I am worried that can hurt my case.  Most rational people know a year and a half of no abuse (though he was still verbally and emotionally abusive, and he was still aggressive, getting in my face, etc) does not erase 10 years of it, but like you said, the law may see it differently.

He has been what I consider to be verbally abusive to D4, intimidating and unnecessarily harsh.  He once told her he was going to "beat her f-ing a--" because she was being a 4 year old.  A few weeks before I left him, he was annoyed with her and as she ran by him he kicked her over into the ottoman.  So it was definitely starting to be directed on her, especially since he was trying to hold in his aggression toward me.

My lawyer does know all about the incidents and the DV toward me.  Yes, I have to continually remind myself that he is an adult and I cannot nor should not help him or lessen his consequences.  I've been doing it for 11 years, but I think I have finally reached the point where it is easier to look out for myself and D4 than him.  Thank you!

[takingandsending]

Hi WantToBeFree.

I think, if he is willing to kick (even a nudge or trip) a 4 year old while they are running past him, because he is "annoyed", he will sooner or later ratchet up physical violence on your child. It makes me incredibly angry even thinking about a parent doing that to a kid.

One question I had, did your T not report it when  he confided to her that he had been abusive to you? In my state, T's as well as doctors and teachers are mandated reporters, meaning they are required to file a report if they are aware of a situation in which criminal violence was or may be committed. Is there possibly a report that was filed? Any chance you can ask your T (although they likely won't divulge).

Like ForeverDad states, I have also been advised that incidents with a shelf life of longer than 6 months are given less weight, although I believe that it depends on the severity of the incident. Any threat with weapon would be taken under consideration for a longer period.