Fiance ended our relationship again. I think he has BPD.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think my now exfiance has BPD and I am heartbroken.  I feel like I have been used and even abused emotionally from the start.  He rushed our relationship and though I tried to maintain healthy boundaries I moved fast with him.  During the relationship I noticed many disturbing things that I questioned rationally and calmly.  He would turn these simple questions into hour long battles where I was answering his questions that made no sense and had nothing to do with my initial question. At around 7 months in another woman showed up in the picture.  He called her his sister and maintained that til our end but she is his ex sister in law.  He would discuss our relationship with her and then she would post on his social media how amazing he is and how much she loves him.  She would post pics of them embracing years ago.  It was weird each time he and I discussed something she would post these things.  I don't even know her. In addition, He would call me perfect and then later I began to feel like I was being punished for something I didn't know I did.  He would accuse me of being controlling passive agressive abusive etc and ultimately ended our relationship 2 mos after proposing and two weeks after I moved in.  We reconciled and he ended it again just 6 weeks later when his ex sister in law starting her posts again and I said this is triangulation and I can't be with you if she remains in your life.  I said this in couples counseling in our 4th and now last session.  He said if he thought we had a happy future he would painfully let her go but he doesn't think we do have happiness so he will not let her go and ended it with me.  I feel double used and abused.  There's much more but this is the overall picture.  I want to ask him to get tested for BPD but know that is not the right thing to do.  I am in trauma counseling as a result of this because mainly the long confusing arguments and now I want to know is there anything else I can do to help myself get better.  I love him but he hurts me too much. Any insight, suggestions and such is greatly appreciated.

[watercat]

I think my now exfiance has BPD and I am heartbroken.  I feel like I have been used and even abused emotionally from the start.  He rushed our relationship and though I tried to maintain healthy boundaries I moved fast with him.  During the relationship I noticed many disturbing things that I questioned rationally and calmly.  He would turn these simple questions into hour long battles where I was answering his questions that made no sense and had nothing to do with my initial question. At around 7 months in another woman showed up in the picture.  He called her his sister and maintained that til our end but she is his ex sister in law.  He would discuss our relationship with her and then she would post on his social media how amazing he is and how much she loves him.  She would post pics of them embracing years ago.  It was weird each time he and I discussed something she would post these things.  I don't even know her. In addition, He would call me perfect and then later I began to feel like I was being punished for something I didn't know I did.  He would accuse me of being controlling passive agressive abusive etc and ultimately ended our relationship 2 mos after proposing and two weeks after I moved in.  We reconciled and he ended it again just 6 weeks later when his ex sister in law starting her posts again and I said this is triangulation and I can't be with you if she remains in your life.  I said this in couples counseling in our 4th and now last session.  He said if he thought we had a happy future he would painfully let her go but he doesn't think we do have happiness so he will not let her go and ended it with me.  I feel double used and abused.  There's much more but this is the overall picture.  I want to ask him to get tested for BPD but know that is not the right thing to do.  I am in trauma counseling as a result of this because mainly the long confusing arguments and now I want to know is there anything else I can do to help myself get better.  I love him but he hurts me too much. Any insight, suggestions and such is greatly appreciated.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi watercat and

I'm glad you found us but sorry to hear the circumstances that brought you here.  

The whole sister thing sounds really tough and you were right about the triangulation going on.  I can imagine that felt extremely uncomfortable and upsetting.  You're in good company.  We can understand what you're going through and help. How long ago did you split up? Did you move away from him or are you still in the same area? It's great that you have a counsellor to support you right now as you work through this. We all arrive with a lot to unravel. Good on you for taking care of yourself. Do you also have other support from friends/family?

Keep posting and get involved in other discussions. There is much to be learned here. You'll also find excellent articles from reliable sources plus our detaching lessons to the right of your screen. It's great that you're reaching out. We're here for you  

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi watercat,



I’d like to join Harley Quinn and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry that things are difficult for you right now and the circumstances that led you here 

I completely understand how frustrating and confusing the arguments were I thought for a period that I was going crazy and was almost convinced that I didn’t have the capacity to understand.

There’s much more but this is the overall picture

It helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes I know that the experienced that you went through are really difficult it helps to share them.