Slowly but surely

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everyone!

I'm writing to provide an update on how I've been doing. After being very good about no contact I got to a point where I felt like both of us had found closure. I felt a weight lifted off of me as though I had overcome a withdrawal. I did have a couple of days where I obsessed about why he wasn't calling me (I'm embarrassed to admit this), but that passed with reminders of all the ways I need to take care of myself by myself.

He called and I have no regrets about taking the call. I am no longer under any spell and have become a more assertive and wise person. Oddly enough, it is only through interacting with him again that I have been able to confirm this. All his tricks and obnoxious ploys I detected immediately and I did not feel compelled to call him out. I did not challenge his phony excuses (pseudo apologies, sort of, kind of, not really). I listened to his boring "D'you know what happened the other day?" stories, and I did not express any agitation. What's interesting is that I wasn't holding back. I truly was not emotional and instead listened to him like an older sibling listens to a five year old babbling. I threw in the occasional "uh-huh". I used to feel that this sort of exchange was disgraceful and insulting. And felt nervous about not feeling genuinely interested.  But, I have learned to stop judging myself so harshly (I still do it but not as much), and be okay with protecting myself first before him.

I'm sure he thought he was off the hook misinterpreting my apathy for amnesia. I have changed for the better. Furthermore, what he doesn't recognize is that he is the same person, and I have a problem with that. For many people in my life, that consistency of character is what I cherish, but with him it is the reason why I will never go back. Indeed, he is consistently abusive, inconsiderate, and all other things I now have zero tolerance for.

I was polite and listened to his stories. He was saying affectionate things to me at the end and that's when I felt like I had to tell him that while I appreciated his taking time to reach out to me, I was not interested in working on a relationship. That's when he snapped. Everything he had just said was taken back and the mask was flung off. Nothing I haven't experienced before with him; As soon as he doesn't get his way or perhaps he feels rejected (I don't know which it is, I don't care anymore) I'm the one who is crazy and obsessed with him. ? When I pointed out that he's the one who called me he said, "Yeah and that's my fault for not learning over and over again that you are impossible. I should have known better than to give you another chance." (click)

3,2,1... .

Called me back and I didn't answer. He is so off that he left a voicemail demanding I call him back with an apology for being such a b*****.

If this had been a few weeks ago I would have wanted to prove him wrong starting with "No, I'm not a b****!" And his response would be "But, you are. Let me count the ways... ." Hook, line, and sinker. Admittedly, I believed him each and every time.

Now I'm in a place where whatever he says and does is on him. I no longer am part of him. I am no longer responsible for him. I am no longer a reflection of him.

[Getoverit]

Hi Everyone!

I'm writing to provide an update on how I've been doing. After being very good about no contact I got to a point where I felt like both of us had found closure. I felt a weight lifted off of me as though I had overcome a withdrawal. I did have a couple of days where I obsessed about why he wasn't calling me (I'm embarrassed to admit this), but that passed with reminders of all the ways I need to take care of myself by myself.

He called and I have no regrets about taking the call. I am no longer under any spell and have become a more assertive and wise person. Oddly enough, it is only through interacting with him again that I have been able to confirm this. All his tricks and obnoxious ploys I detected immediately and I did not feel compelled to call him out. I did not challenge his phony excuses (pseudo apologies, sort of, kind of, not really). I listened to his boring "D'you know what happened the other day?" stories, and I did not express any agitation. What's interesting is that I wasn't holding back. I truly was not emotional and instead listened to him like an older sibling listens to a five year old babbling. I threw in the occasional "uh-huh". I used to feel that this sort of exchange was disgraceful and insulting. And felt nervous about not feeling genuinely interested.  But, I have learned to stop judging myself so harshly (I still do it but not as much), and be okay with protecting myself first before him.

I'm sure he thought he was off the hook misinterpreting my apathy for amnesia. I have changed for the better. Furthermore, what he doesn't recognize is that he is the same person, and I have a problem with that. For many people in my life, that consistency of character is what I cherish, but with him it is the reason why I will never go back. Indeed, he is consistently abusive, inconsiderate, and all other things I now have zero tolerance for.

I was polite and listened to his stories. He was saying affectionate things to me at the end and that's when I felt like I had to tell him that while I appreciated his taking time to reach out to me, I was not interested in working on a relationship. That's when he snapped. Everything he had just said was taken back and the mask was flung off. Nothing I haven't experienced before with him; As soon as he doesn't get his way or perhaps he feels rejected (I don't know which it is, I don't care anymore) I'm the one who is crazy and obsessed with him. ? When I pointed out that he's the one who called me he said, "Yeah and that's my fault for not learning over and over again that you are impossible. I should have known better than to give you another chance." (click)

3,2,1... .

Called me back and I didn't answer. He is so off that he left a voicemail demanding I call him back with an apology for being such a b*****.

If this had been a few weeks ago I would have wanted to prove him wrong starting with "No, I'm not a b****!" And his response would be "But, you are. Let me count the ways... ." Hook, line, and sinker. Admittedly, I believed him each and every time.

Now I'm in a place where whatever he says and does is on him. I no longer am part of him. I am no longer responsible for him. I am no longer a reflection of him.

[BasementDweller]

Yay! Way to go, getoverit! 

I am hoping to get there. Me and my ex are basically NC save for a few exchanges about dropping off property. Last time I saw him he was mostly civil. Prior to that, I got the 456789747769764 reasons why I am a horrible b*%$h too. It rattled me, but so be it. If there is a next outburst, I hope to feel a bit less, until eventually I get to where you are. "IDGAF". Where I am just unaffected by his childishness, and no longer feel protective or nostalgic.

That must have felt good. And the fact that he snapped and went right back to the same B.S. and rage, with the "coup de grace" of trying to make it look like he was discarding you... .is a good indicator that he KNEW he wasn't getting his way anymore. Congrats on the strength and cool-headedness that you showed. 

[Getoverit]

Thank you BasementDweller!

It hasn't been easy and I know I will struggle along the way, but I am more aware and accepting now of what the heck has been going on. I allowed it to continue and I let the guilt towards him, towards myself consume me. What did I feel guilty about? Being told that I was MAKING him unhappy, unwell, unsatisfied, etc. An apology would not suffice he demanded that I "fix it" and "make it up to him" and "do what it takes to make things right", etc. But I cannot fix him and the problems he has had for years well before knowing me. I cannot make a drug addict not feel the crash, I cannot go back in time decades ago and spare him from life experiences that have negatively impacted him. These examples are choices he makes--he chooses to abuse drugs just as he chooses to hold grudges and remain stuck on negative thoughts and narratives.

He is such a downer and a drag. I hate that I have to describe anyone like that, and I think for a long time I tried hard to see positive attributes, but they are not there when it comes to our relationship and how I see him. I mean it when I say that just because we didn't work out doesn't mean he's doomed. After all,  "One's man trash is another man's treasure." right?

[BasementDweller]

It hasn't been easy and I know I will struggle along the way, but I am more aware and accepting now of what the heck has been going on. I allowed it to continue and I let the guilt towards him, towards myself consume me. What did I feel guilty about? Being told that I was MAKING him unhappy, unwell, unsatisfied, etc. An apology would not suffice he demanded that I "fix it" and "make it up to him" and "do what it takes to make things right", etc. But I cannot fix him and the problems he has had for years well before knowing me. I cannot make a drug addict not feel the crash, I cannot go back in time decades ago and spare him from life experiences that have negatively impacted him. These examples are choices he makes--he chooses to abide drugs just as he chooses to hold a grudge and remain stuck on negative thoughts and narratives.

I'm sorry to hear about what you went through. It never ceases to amaze me how the BPD script is so similar with SO many people across so many cultures. The disorder is a spectrum, and everyone is different, but right down to the things that so many of them say. It's uncanny.

This totally resonated with me. Especially: Being told that I was MAKING him unhappy, unwell, unsatisfied, etc. An apology would not suffice he demanded that I "fix it" and "make it up to him" and "do what it takes to make things right", etc. But I cannot fix him and the problems he has had for years well before knowing me.

That was what was so frustrating and heartbreaking! I DID do everything a good partner does to love and support the other in crisis. Never was enough. Always was "my fault" that he felt so bad. He KNEW he had a BPD diagnosis, he knew his mother has BPD, was abusive, etc. He knew this was his history, and he had never been able to keep a relationship afloat, but this was "all my fault"... .sigh. You know the madness. What really sucks, is I got sucked in for a while believing I WAS the failure. Did I do everything right and always respond to has actions with utmost patience and validation? Of course not. I reacted badly a few times. But did I do pretty well, and absolutely the best I could? Definitely. It makes me sad that love wasn't enough, and a bit angry that a man who knew he had these issues managed to scapegoat me, who met him when he was 48... .as if his past never existed and I created the problem.

Mine was a drinker. No drugs, but plenty of drunken rages. I hear he has cleaned up his act, since social services got involved because he has kids that live with him 50% of the time. His last drunken rampage warranted a police presence that did not go over well with the kids' mother or the neighbors. He's in therapy for the BPD now too... .finally.

I hope like yours, he's not doomed. I don't wish him ill will, but he needs to fix himself, (as opposed to me or anyone else trying to do it which is futile) and I guess he needed to hit rock bottom to do that.

The good news is, you and I will recover and have normal relationships if we want to some day. They may not be able to do that, however. And they ultimately have to live with themselves and the consequences of their own actions, long after we detach.

[Getoverit]

Hi BasementDweller!

I agree with you that it's amazing to compare stories and find haunting utterances and behavior that cannot be easily forgotten. There have been many times where I've wondered if another member here was simultaneously dating my ex or was an ex, etc.! It doesn't help that people with BPD are known to be unfaithful.

About the blame game and "it's your fault" trick. I've accepted that he was saying that over and over again because it worked on me. Unlike him when he would express frustration I would do everything I could to make him feel better not realizing that a) I won't ever be able to make him feel better as he defines his existence as misery + more misery and b) It's all a test. I'm certain he was testing me and enjoyed watching me get flustered and anxious. This was his way of bonding with me. I believe that his inability to empathize coupled with his sense of entitlement fueled his power trip. And just like your quote from Elenor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I taught him how to treat me.

I applaud your recognition that you did your best and beyond. Never forget that and if you have moments of doubt, remind yourself that it takes two. No healthy relationship can exist without both parties working at it. You cannot carry his load and vice versa. I hope you can be at peace with the past and leave it in the past.

Hopefully, your ex will benefit from therapy so that someone else doesn't fall victim to his ways. It is so sad to think that this disorder brings upon so much grief to those around that even therapists and doctors will refuse to treat patients suspected to have BPD.

Thank you for your encouraging words and I hope to read more news about your progress.

[babyducks]

Hi Getoverit,

You nailed it.    People with BPD believe that their feelings are caused by others, by events outside themselves and that the way to change their feelings is to get others to change.   

Hence the blame.    My Ex told me once, "it's not enough to say you understand how I feel,... you need to do something about it".   

 

About the blame game and "it's your fault" trick. I've accepted that he was saying that over and over again because it worked on me.

It worked on me too.     the way I am wired is to be responsible, to be a caretaker, a caregiver, to try and fix things.     I kind of like that about myself honestly.    The problem in my relationship was we both ran to our limits,... .I went further into care giving than was good for me.     She went futher into demanding more care of 'her needs'.

It was very freeing to step back and say, not my job, not my responsibility, it's up to you to manage your feelings and you don't get to manage your feelings by screaming and swearing at me.      I think it is hard enough to be responsible for me and my emotions and my mental health.    I can't do it for another person.


'ducks

[BasementDweller]

Thank you, getoverit! I also look forward to hearing more about yours as well... .it sounds like you have a pretty good grip on it already.

I believe that his inability to empathize coupled with his sense of entitlement fueled his power trip. And just like your quote from Elenor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I taught him how to treat me.

I believe I did the same without even realizing it, because the process was so insidious. I don't have any kind of history with this kind of thing, and this was my first r/s with a disordered person. I will be sure to make it my last. I didn't know what I was getting myself into - but in the future - I will recognize it, and not let it develop.

I applaud your recognition that you did your best and beyond. Never forget that and if you have moments of doubt, remind yourself that it takes two. No healthy relationship can exist without both parties working at it. You cannot carry his load and vice versa. I hope you can be at peace with the past and leave it in the past.

Thank you! That is my hope too. Ironically, he once complained to me that his ex-wife, when she left him, told him "I can't carry you any longer". He said it made him angry at the time and he really hated it. I honestly had no idea what he or she was talking about when he first told me that because I thought she meant financially, or with the kids, or the housework or something.

Despite his BPD he has always worked hard, and kept up the house and was a good father. He was high functioning that way, for the most part. But NOW I finally get what she meant, and why it bothered him so much to hear it. She meant emotionally, mentally. Took me years to get that one. Now the truth hits me like a ton of bricks.