Sister with BPD may be harming children

[iamlost2]

Hello. I have read many of these posts over the years and they have helped a lot. My little sister was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago. Her boyfriend at the time told her she had to go to therapy or he was going to leave her. She went to dbt for a bit and it seemed to help her a lot. Her boyfriend left her and now she says she will never go to therapy again. She has since remarried and has two children. A 4 year old and a 2 year old. I think her husband may be NPD. They fight constantly in front of the kids. The fights get incredibly mentally abusive and physical. I am so worried about the damage it is doing to the kids. She is NC with all of our other family members. My family tells me that if I do not call cps then I am responsible for anything that may happen to the kids. I have no faith in cps. They have been called several times and nothing was done. The cops have also been called and nothing was done. I am also worried that if I call cps then she will know it was me and go NC with me also. Then I will never be able to help the kids or her.

[Turkish]

Who called CPS before, the family with whom they are NC? What about the cops, whose job it is to ensure everyone is safe in the moment, not formulate a long term strategy.

I'd stop sharing with the NC family to begin with as it puts unnecessary stress onto you. Are the kids ever physically hurt? That's usually the lowest hurdle to which CPS will react even if exposing children to DV is against the law.

[Harri]

Hi!  I went and read your last posts and you really have been lurking a long time!  I'm glad you posted though.  This is a very difficult and stressful time and you do not need to go through it alone.  The good news is that things can get better and you are in a good place to learn to help the kids and yourself.

I think The suggestion by Turkish to stop talking about the situation with the other family members is a good one.  In your previous posts you said that your sister has hit you and pulled your hair and even prevented you from leaving a room.  Is that still going on or did it get better with DBT?  Is she still suicidal?

I am sorry that cps and the police have been unhelpful in the past.  It is frustrating when you see the kids being affected by the emotional abuse and by witnessing domestic violence.  Is the 4 year old in school?  sometimes the school authorities will identify kids who are in 'troubled' homes including emotional abuse and DV.

How are you with establishing boundaries with your sister?  Do you ever get to take the kids out with just you?  How much time do you get to spend with them?  What seems to set off your sister?  Does she misunderstand things you say?

Sorry to hit you with so many questions.   I just want to get a better idea of your situation and see how we can best help you.

I hope to hear more from you soon and I am glad you are here.  We can help.

[zachira]

From my experience of working with CPS over many years, they only help in the very worst case scenarios. A worst case scenario is when the child has to be permanently removed from the home because the abuse is so bad. CPS has an unusually high overturn of staff because nobody wants a job taking people's children away from them. I went out of my way to find someone in the CPS office who was competent and had been there a long time to do my reporting.
Be there as much as you can for the children. I grew up with a BPD mother, and I can't tell you what a difference certain aunts and uncles, and other adults made in my life. Some adults only gave me five minutes of their time to show me that I mattered, and I still remember their kindness to this day. I would not be where I am today without those adults who valued me as a child. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can help.

[Learning2Thrive]

  iamlost2,

I’m so glad you posted here. I also mostly lurked on these boards for many years before I started posting regularly. It’s really scary sometimes, but good to reach out—YAY you for doing that! Posting more on the boards here has helped me learn so much.

Harri, Turkish and zachira have asked some excellent questions. I hope you’ll pop back in and update us so we may know how to best assist you.

Sending you positive energy and smiles,

  L2T

[Pilpel]

Iamlost2, it is difficult to know how to intervene with a BPD and their kids.  With most people it’s pretty straight forward.  But with a BPD, the most normal logic of raising a child is backwards and upside down.  I worry about my niece and nephews too.  I don’t worry too much because I know my brother is s good dad.  From all I know, he’s very nurturing and spends more time with his kids than his n/BPD wife does.  But at the same time he’s accepted his wife’s narcissism as normal. So that’s always going to be a problem.  Like Zacharia was saying I try to be a normal loving influence in the lives of the nephews and nieces.  In most cases that’s as much as you can do.  If you suspect that your sister is very unbalanced and could be a danger to herself or her kids, do what you can to keep the kids safe.  Maybe reach out to cps or the police.  Maybe rather than report her straight off, maybe you can ask for advice on things to watch for. At the least start to document things she does or things her kids say that are concerning.  I like to think that most situations like this a person can be troubled but they wouldn’t actually harm their kids. But it does happen sometimes that they do.   

[iamlost2]

Thank you all so much for responses it really means a lot. So the hospital called cps on my sister because her husband acted crazy during the birth of her second child and she tested positive for thc. I called the cops on her when she hit me and when she threatened suicide several times. My other family members,that she is NC with, I have had intense arguments with about her. I went through a phase where I told them I did not want to talk to them about her at all because it was to hard a ruining our relationship. They told me that it was dishonest and I was withholding information from them. I have always been the mediator in the family and I just don’t want to do it anymore because everyone ends up pissed off at me. My BPDsis no longer lives near me. When I visit she always lets me see the kids but will not let anyone else in the family see them. I have never witnessed the children directly being harmed and I truly do not feel there is any physical abuse. I do feel they are constantly being put through intense mental traumas. I know cps won’t do anything unless there is proof... .and there is none. Man just wish I knew how to help these kids.

[iamlost2]

I have worked so hard to establish boundaries with my BPDsis and I feel I have come so far in it. She knows if she ever touches me I will call the cops. She has not physically hurt me for years. She knows I will not put up with name calling and I simply will not talk to her if she is too angry. DBT helped her so much but she just can’t see it. I use the tools all the time with her and it has drastically changed our interactions. We rarely fight we just agree to disagree. I am told that when I do that I am just appeasing her so she won’t freak out. Everyone thinks I have this magical power to persuade her into sane thinking. Sometimes I am able to talk sense into her. Sometimes it takes years and sometimes it just might never happen. I just don’t want that role anymore. I can not control her. I can not cure her. Why the hell am I the one put into that role anyways. I am just trying really hard to be there for the kids when I can. Show them how much they are loved. Help them process when they are with me, which is like once a year.  The 4 year old just started school and I just pray that someone notices if she is having issues. Still do not have much faith in that. As for now I feel I am doing all I can. Being “there” for the kids as best as I can. Trying to talk my sister and her husband down when I can. Which I have done often. I still do not feel it is enough and just wish there was something more I could do to help. I know nothing will change until she chooses to get help herself. I don’t ever see that happening. I had her and her husband talked into therapy at one pont in time. We had therapists set up that I was going to pay for. child care set up that I was going to pay for and then last minute they backed out. Now they say they will never go to therapy. Yes  I am lost.

[Harri]

Hi iamlost,

I have always been the mediator in the family and I just don’t want to do it anymore because everyone ends up pissed off at me.

Being in the middle is a tough place to be.  I am glad you are choosing to end that. 

When I visit she always lets me see the kids but will not let anyone else in the family see them. I have never witnessed the children directly being harmed and I truly do not feel there is any physical abuse. I do feel they are constantly being put through intense mental traumas. I know cps won’t do anything unless there is proof... .and there is none. Man just wish I knew how to help these kids.

That you have worked so hard on communication skills to improve things with your sister is wonderful.  You being used as a way to keep your sister in line is wrong and is a huge burden for you.  Helping her is okay but not at the expense of you. 
The kids probably are being put through intense emotional stuff at home.  The only thing you can do is document, like Pilpel said, and be the validating, loving aunt that these kids need as you have been.  They need down time where they can relax and just be with someone who loves them unconditionally, accepts them and will also set boundaries with love.  Just one person doing this in their lives can make a difference and it does not ahve to be a constant presence.  For some of us it was a teacher, a friends parent, a priest/minister, a play group.  One for me was a lady who spoke up for me when I was standing in line with my parents and brother... .and got in trouble but it should have ben my brother.  i still remember this about 45 years later... .standing a bit taller when she spoke up. 

You are doing all that you can.  You are giving them a chance at a better life just by being who you are.  You are doing enough.

[iamlost2]

Wow Harri I do not think I have ever felt this validated about my feelings ever. Thank you! I have been told so many times that I do to much...
I have been told that I should do more. I have never ever been told that I do enough! I have to be honest I took about an hour break in responding so I could cry. I have never ever felt like I did enough until your post. I have always thought that the best thing I can do is be there for my niece and nephew when it is possible. Show them they are loved! Other than that I have no control over it. I have always hoped and prayed that the love they get from me is enough! Thank you for validating that!

[Harri]

Hi.  How are you today?  I am glad my words touched you in a positive way.  I hope they were healing tears. 

I have always thought that the best thing I can do is be there for my niece and nephew when it is possible. Show them they are loved! Other than that I have no control over it. I have always hoped and prayed that the love they get from me is enough! Thank you for validating that!

This is all you can do.  Learning this is so hard.  We place so many unrealistic expectations on ourselves, never mind what other people do. 

Just keep doing what you say here.  Sometimes the 'little things' matter so much more than the grand things.  I think what you are doing is great.  There have been several posters here in a similar position of trying to help nieces and nephews long distance.  Some suggestions were to : Keep a little treasure chest of things for them, small items, pictures, etc that you can give them when you visit.  As they get older this will mean more and more to them.  Have skype chats or facetime with them (not sure about this with their ages).  Just those things that say You are important to me and I am thinking of you.  Keep a memory book of experiences so you can share your life with them (I think that was a suggestion when people are estranged from the parent and can't see the kids, but it can still work here). 

Again, you are serving a very important role in their lives.  You are enough and the kids are very blessed to have you in their life.