How to act when I see him after 6 weeks

[blackorchid]

So my fiancé left 6 weeks ago. Split me completely and loved everything or if it apartment. He came to visit me once about 10 days ago and made it very clear that it was just as friends. And to see our dog.


This weekend he has been dogsitting as I’m visiting my mum who has flown out on holiday. He has messaged me today to say if I want he can pick me up tomorrow. And bring me home. I said. Ok if it’s not too much trouble.

He said he’ll get me after work about 9. He’ll let me know tmr. He has then messaged. Don’t understand wrong. I’m just helping you. Don’t say sorry in the car

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BeagleGirl]

Blackorchid,
I am so sorry.  This must be an incredibly painful and confusing time for you.

It sounds like he isn't leaving any room for reconciliation.  Is that accurate, or has he done anything that would indicate he's wavering?

Do you think that you could operate as "just friends"?  If so, what would that look like to you?  Do you have other friendships with men that would be a benchmark on friendship vs (post) relationship boundaries?

Do you feel like you are ready for a car ride with him?  If not, do you have alternative transportation?

 ,
BeagleGirl

[blackorchid]

Thanks BeagleGirl for replying. 

In the past when he’s been like this he does always go on about saying the just friends thing. Just need time he seems to be doing it longer and somehow colder.

When he first left it was because I treated his family badly ( I had done nothing and not even seen them in a year) 2 weeks ago  he was talking about how I controlled him. Last week he brought up the time in 2016 when he did this and left for a month or so and someone tried to set me up on date. Saying maybe I’m doing that again. And then today it was that I don’t listen to him.

I don’t know if that’s him wavering and then finding reasons to justify him leaving to himself? 


I have alt transport. But feel like this is my one chance to see him... .do I act aloof and like he’s lost me. Or act as a friend. I have no idea. Any ideas are welcome. Or if anyone’s been in a situation like this. He’s coming way out of his way to get me. 30 mins here then an hours drive and 30 mins back to where he lives. Can’t work out why

[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

I'm bringing over the text from your (nearly) duplicate post. I think it might help to have it here. I'll be deleting the other post.

"

So my fiancé left 6 weeks ago. Split me completely and loved everything or if it apartment. He came to visit me once about 10 days ago and made it very clear that it was just as friends. And to see our dog.


This weekend he has been dogsitting as I’m visiting my mum who has flown out on holiday. He has messaged me today to say if I want he can pick me up tomorrow. And bring me home. I said. Ok if it’s not too much trouble.

He said he’ll get me after work about 9. He’ll let me know tmr. He has then messaged. Don’t understand wrong. I’m just helping you. Don’t say sorry in the car and ask for a relationship again   He said I told you before that you should move home and we could have had a better life with better jobs ( im an expat) but you didn’t listen to me.

Anyone have a good idea of a SET message to answer to that?

And what do I do when I’m in the car tomorrow

I can’t make sense of why he’s helping. Every year for ) years I’ve done the bus journey. It will be a 30 min minimum drive here. And then a hour to my city and then 30 mins back to where he has moved into.


Thoughts and idea most appreciated. Thank you

take care, pearl.

[BeagleGirl]

Blackorchid,

I'm going to  this statement from you:

But feel like this is my one chance to see him.

It is rare that we are at our best when we feel like we are pulling a "hail Mary".  It's also been my experience (and that of others posting on these boards) that getting in a car with a pwBPD in a tense situation may not be wise.  While it does provide for some uninterrupted conversation, it can also provide for some uninterrupted dysregulation and that is NOT fun.  I think a conversation like this is better held in a location where you can exit if things get heated on either side.  If he's not willing to make time for that, this is not a bid for a renewed relationship. 

Obviously you know the situation better than I do, but as an outsider looking in it seems like he's sending mixed signals.  That may very well be because he's mixed up right now and his offer/restriction on conversation are reflections of his changing mood. 

The other important question that I'd like you to ask yourself is WHAT DO I WANT/NEED?  It's way easier to think about what he thinks/wants/needs and respond to that.  If you think he will want you if you are unavailable then you act aloof.  If you think he wants to be reassured that you are still there for him, you act attentive and caring.  The harder task is to determine what you want/need.  If you want him to know that you can live without him but would welcome him into that life, you talk about what you are doing and possibly extend an invitation to join an activity.  If you need more time to deal with the emotions you're experiencing after the break up, you thank him for the offer for the ride but say you think it might not be the right time to spend that much time alone together and maybe set a time for coffee at a later date when you might feel more ready.  If you are just incredibly confused/curious about why he is reaching out to you in this way you ask and see if he can explain. 

Do you think that you are ready for this time together? What would you need in order to be more ready?

BG

[blackorchid]

Thanks Pearl I hadn’t realized that it had posted twice. The one you copied was the finished post. Thank you


BeagleGirl thank you for your message. I can see why you red flagged it. I have asked him in the past month eg on messaging or when I saw him walking near our home and asked him for a drink and he flat out declined it. So I don’t think he would agree to that.

 I think I want him to see me and realize that this is me. White me. Not black painted me. That I’m still here for him. But I’m not going to beg him. Maybe if we just have a lighthearted convo and enjoy each other’s company he will remember the good real times rather than the bad fight?

He had had his WhatsApp profile for over a month with a pathetic T-shirt that said “no time for ex lovers” and he has changed it today. I mentioned in another post that despite him being 34 he was hanging around with a 15 year old work experience boy. He was with him when he bought the childish T-shirt.

I just want this all to be over. And him to come home and to continue with his medication. He started in feb but his family told him to come off it at the end of April/ Start of May after which he stared becoming more angry again regularly.

If that makes sense

[BeagleGirl]

Blackorchid,

I'm wondering how the interaction went on the drive back to your place.  Were you able to have that lighthearted conversation you were hoping for?

BG

[blackorchid]

Hi thanks for checking in BG


So it was ok to start with and then he asked me about 5 mins into the journey asking if I had told my mum that we had broken up. That flagged an alert in my head but I wasn’t quite sure why. So I just said she knew because she care to stay in the house and you weren’t there. And he asked what did she say. So I said she’s sad for us. She cares about you. She loves you too.

He replied saying everyone who loves me, does bad to me. I said what has my mum done? He said no not your mum. My dad, my friends, my mum, you. I said I’ve never tried to make problems for you I’ve onlt ever tried to help.


Then he went off on a rant about me thinking I’m perfect. And that my family is perfect and that I think badly of his family. I tried to respond and so I don’t think that. He used something that was said in a a fight before he left ( his family were supposed to pay back some of their debt to him pay year when we moved apartments, by buying us furniture. They didn’t. So we got in debt. It came up in a fight before he left and him saying no my sister paid for some pots. I was like oh great $40 it really helped. Also this was months after we moved and I was about to pay for them myself and he said he would ask the sister as she never bought the bedroom furniture as arranged). So he brought that up. I said I said things in the heat of the argument that I didn’t mean, which I’m sure you did too. He closed the convo and said I don’t want to talk about it I just want to listen to music and turned the radio up.


After I while I tried to make light hearted convo. Asking how’s he’s job was going.  Which was when he was like I LOVE it. I have a new life ( me internally groaning but not responding)

We spoke a bit. Then he started talking about his debt and how he has to pay it for 4 years. And that he has to give half his wage. And that if he didn’t have that he could have bought a car. I said I know and I will still help you. I’m using the furniture that the debt was for. You’re not alone. I’m always here for you  

He returned the rental car and we got a cab. Again he asked about my mum. And how long she’s here for. And what she thinks of us breaking up. He showed me his bank statement about the debt again. And reiterated that it’s our debt not just yours.


When he left the taxi he seemed quite worried that i would get home. He asked three times if I would be ok. And to call him when I get in.


He messaged me after saying was I really going to always help him. I said yes. He said friends help friends. I said yes. He said real friends help real friends. I responded. I’m real.


I don’t know. Money and family is always his trigger and I feel like he can’t split them so he splits me. As he mentioned his dad in not sure if something has happened that I’m unaware of. Every year he has a new debt which he asks his son to pay for.

[CryWolf]

that sounds like a pretty exhausting day, orchid 

How are you feeling and thinking now after this encounter? Are you okay with being just friends and pursuing a platonic friendship with him?

Another statement I have, is try not to always be there for him as this will put you in a “savior” role. It’s hard not to do this when you’re a good hearted person and genuinely care. Let him figure some things on his own. The whole financial situation must be taking a toll on him, but a  you mentioned was how every year he has new debt and has his son pay for. I bring this up, because I don’t want you to be someone who also pays his debt and this enables him more.

Just some cautions for you to ponder.

I also think BeagleGirl gave you sound advice and questions to ask yourself.

[blackorchid]

Maybe I wrote something misleading there. No his dad has debt and he has to pay it. There’s a bad system here. If his dad doesn’t pay it the courts/bailiffs will chase him so he usually pays it before that happens so that his credit rating isn’t affected.


Yes it was a really exhausting day. And the last few days have been since. He messaged me thurs night at 4:30am asking if I want to go out on Saturday to a bar and just hang out and have fun. Then yesterday he was messaging me to say he found a spa that does a good package and he will buy it and do I want one to. I asked where and it’s an hour away for me. So I said I couldn’t get there. He said he could collect me and we could go together. That you do the treatment every 15 days. But don’t think anything it’s just friends that he’s saying it. I used this communication to see if he really wanted to meet on sat night (tonight). He said sure why not. But just as friends... .


So today. NC. then at 21:15 he messaged and said hi where are you. I said walking the dog. You? Why? He said that’s hes really tired and that he is resting. And could I help him and buy football boots. I was confused. As they were a kids size. So said who for. And asked if we were meeting. He said no he’s too tired he will sleep early. And can I help him a hotel guests wants lessons but has no boots. Could I get them and bring them to him on his lunch tmr... .


Also when he left the taxi the other night. He asked if I could take a pair of trainers back to the shop  as he couldn’t get there ( living in other town now) i said ok my lesson is next to the mall anyway. When I looked there were a size bigger and his name wasn’t printed on the receipt. When the cashier asked me to confirm the phone number. I didn’t know it. So I messaged him to ask. Directly. I said are they not your shoes. He said no a friends. He can’t get to the city so asked me. (The name was the 15 year old boy he has somehow become friends with). I felt really angry that he asked me to do this. It’s one thing to use my time for his shoes. But for someone else... .

Leaving me even more confused. these are jobs I would do as girfriend not friend. But cry wolf. That would be me being “savior”

Today there’s been a lot of problems with family. ( well the last couple of days. But more so today)So I will reflect more on the other questions asked by BG and write in the morning.

But if anyone has any thoughts on these. Let me know.